There’s No Fantasy Like a Football Fantasy
NOT WORK SAFE!!!!
Gentlemen, adolescent boys, guys, mens, bears, power bottoms, and UGA lovin’ twinks:
Here is your Burrow Brackett Crystal ball. Yours truly will be transcribing this report, verbatim, from Mr. Brackett so remember: these are his words and not mine. Sorry for the alternative lifestyle opening, but Burrow advised that was the only way we could keep him on as a contributor (that and Captain owes him a slush puppy).
(Imagine your inner voice as a homosexual toddler pageant coordinator from Dothan, AL and it will be much funnier.)
“Heyy ya’ll!!!! It’s me, Burrow! Here for my season ending balls…I mean season ending crystal ball. Fore-casted for you, the fans! Because that’s what dudes do, and I’m kind of a dude and like dudes, so there.
Ok, Inspector G gave me these questions to answer and I took them home looked into my challenge XL 3000 butt plug, I ah-hem, I mean crystal ball and came up with these answers.
1) Will Mark Richt be back at UGA next year? A: Well I sure hope so! He is a dream boat and looks like he is could be the Kenny to my Loggins (I just love him!). But seriously, yes. I do believe not only will Richt be back, but he will not be lured to any other school, Miami, Colorado, etc. He has won nearly 100 games in 10 years, he deserves another year to try to get everything back under control. I feel that Richt really does a good job, but waited 1 year too late to pull the trigger on replacing his defensive staff. Next year will see if these major changes paid any dividends.
2) What about Bobo? A: What about Smooches that male prostitute on Spring and 14th? They both are increasingly adept at what they do and they both will be back next year in their respective professions. Bobo is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the Salami: he hits big, but then abandons what has been working to run some sort of inside RB screen or some off-tackle fail running play, mostly just for the sake of mixing it up and running it. I agree, you have to have some variety in play calling, but especially this year when your defense was unlikely to bail you out, you have to get your hand on the starter and your foot on the gas. I just hope that Bobo breaks this down, realizes that about himself and commits it to memory. But, I cannot argue that his pro-style philosophy works. We have scored tons of points this year.
3) What is our biggest weakness that needs to be fixed in the offseason? A: Easy, 2. First, we need to get a rock hard, rock toting monster from Carver-Columbus: Isaiah Crowell. And then we also need to get a baby-gobbler 6’2″ 350 pound JUCO stud nose guard to make Grantham’s scheme work. No 2, replace or current strength and conditioning coordinator, which I heard was done today. Scrap our program we are using, get with the times, and get the kids so far into shape that they can run wind sprints in a hurricane without getting tired.
4) Thoughts on the Chic-Fi-La Kickoff next year against Boise St? A: MMMMMM…MMMMM….MMMMM Kellen Moore, he really has some cute teeth, huh? I like the match-up, the atmosphere will be electric. I heard that the Inspector is selling his first born to buy tickets to that..haha. This could actually either be the best thing for UGA’s football team next year or the worst. Keeping VA Tech in mind, a UGA loss here would be everything short of devastating to start the season. However, if we win, it will put those no-talent ass-clowns in their place, get UGA national press coverage, and set a mighty strong tone for the season.
5) Give me a new breakout player on offense in 2011… A: Umm, first off, silly-goose, that is not a question, but my crystal ball says (not assuming Crowell is in the line-up) Marlon Brown. Hyped up, hyped down, whatever. I’m ready for him to prove it, next year he is a junior and either he has it or not. we shall see. I also like Wooten. Woot is explosive and now that Green will be gone, I see him demanding touches by his play-making ability, alone.
5) Same response, but for defense… A: I’m not a big fan of church, but I am a big fan of Christian Robinson. That play he made against UF when he went through that blocker alone was enough. But look for UGA to have the best, most athletic inside backers in the league next year. Jarvis Jones and Richard Samuel. Unleash the dragons. (I REALLY WANNA SEE 2 DRAGONS!!!).
6) Ok some quick hitters….several….go!!!
– Do you think UGA should have a throwback day next year with white pants, red jerseys and silver helmets? Yes, it would look good, kinda like The ohio state, but it would be cool.
-How about black out in the dome to start off ther season? Nope, let us wear our norms. No gimmicks needed.
-Joe T II to s and c director, good move? Yes. The ex-players really seem to like the move, that’s all we can judge by now until next season.
-Sexiest woman on the planet? Keith Evra.
-Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton, and Rosie Odonnell. You got to marry one, kill one, fuck one. Go! A: Umm…nervous….Mary Clinton, kill rosie, fuck Whoopi.
-Biggest disappointment on the season? being 6-6 while raping the turnover margin and increasing our offensive ppg buy over 11 per game.
-Biggest surprise? Aaron Murray…LIGHTS OUT.
-Who would you rather nail? Chad Scott or Stephen Scott? I exclude myself from this, since I’ve done them both.”
By now you know: Brett “Fantastic Phallice” Farve texts his dick to women….hell, who doesn’t?
Welcome to Week 6:
You know who to start, so I’m not going to go over anything you wouldn’t do…just more in depth.
QB’s With Weak Knees: “Halt, who goes there?, Why, it doth be Aaron Rodgers.” Take caution, I say. I have to make this decision myself, so (believe it or not) I picked up Joe Flacco. I know, I know. I have threw him under the bus so much, but he is projected high, plays a weak secondary and he is due. If not Flacco, then choose Matt Cassel. He is also due and plays a weak secondary.
Drew Brees, he’ll be fine, start him.
Big Ben…welcome back from “raping wet slits” from mine and Captain’s Alma Mater. Did she taste like Vegas but sweeter?…Start him.
Ride the Pine: D. Mcnabb, Kevin Kolb, Shaun Hill. If you have to ask, you don’t wanna know.
RB’s To Please: Jamal Charles, oh man, I am so glad I picked him up. He is the Chiefs best weapon and against a run susceptible defense, he might have a field day.
Michael Bush, I picked him up, destroyed my opponent. Even if Mcfadden plays, it will not be much. Look for Bush BIG.
Ryan Torain: If you were a Pierre Thomas or Thomas Jones or Clinton Protis Owner and did not pick him up, you dumb. He may not be great, but he will be better in RB 2 then someone named above or Ryan Matthews or Shonn Greene. Start him.
Ride the Pine: J. Best (no Calvin, or presumably no Calvin, monitor this one), Anyone as a Saints RB not named Bush or Thomas, Ronnie Brown…really?
WR’s to Card: Brandon Lloyd, I am starting him. I have regretted it for 2 weeks in a row and now let’s see if I regret it this week. At least it will definitively show if he is for real or not. Jacoby Jones, let’s see if the waiver wires were correct. Mark Thomas (Jax)…who? The Jax best and most targeted receiver.
Maybe’s: Deion Branch…its a gut feeling, but you have to feel it, i don’t.
TE Streaks: Only this: PICK UP A HERNANDEZ…Moss grows fast on a rolling stone, but he is not in NE no more. Especially if you lost J. Finley.
Week 6 is tough, it is gut check time. Start your starters, research the rest, take a gamble.
Ladies and gents, kids and adolescents: Welcome to the Inspector’s Week 5 fantasy Combo Breaker.
Was I right last week? On everything except John Kuhn (except the Pack just really didn’t run the ball, but he still had a good YPC) R. Mendenhall (but did you think I was serious?), and Matt Ryan, but the birds still one so I was happy.
Must starts: P. Manning, D. Brees, A. Rodgers, P. Rivers, M. Schaub
Bye-Week-Busters: Caution: These are risky, but could help you with potential big games on your QB’s bye week… E. Manning, M. Ryan, K. Orton.
Ride the Pine: J. Flacco…I’m still not buying it. Kevin Kolb…really? Why don’t you like DeSean Jackson? So until you throw it to him, I will keep you here.
Must Starts: F. Gore, P. Hillis (surprising, but he is getting it done on that crappy team, what makes you think he would stop?), A. Foster, M. Jones-Drew, A. Peterson.
Borderline: C. johnson…well, he won’t do what he did last year, but still could have a monster game. M. Forte…with Cutler out, look for more rushing, but no promises here. S. Jackson…is his groin hurt or not? who knows. P. Thomas…another injury doubting Thomas, but if he can play I project at least 11.
Pick Him Up: R. Torain (WSH)…with Portis out, look for Torain to take the bulk of the load and honestly he is explosive, elusive, and if given any space, he may surprise you. And for what it’s worth, I’m starting him on this bye-week. L. Blount…no sucker punches here, unless you mean the goaline…with the Head Coach in Tampa wanting him to get more carries (especially on the goalline) he might eak out 10 or so. But success here will result in more carries. Muy Bueno.
Ride the Pine: Brandon Jackson…the most disappointing no 2 besides….Shonn Greene…awful. Chris Ivory…he bad.
Must Starts: D. Jackson, R. Wayne, R. White, C. Johnson (welcome back, kid), H. Nicks, A. Boldin, G. Jennings
Borderline: J Maclin, M. Colston, L. Moore (look, don’t put much stock into him now that he has been targeted so much for 2 straight weeks), S. Moss…wow, way to go D. Mcnabb. D. Driver…in the flex, good for 9-10 a game.
Pick Him Up: Brandon LLoyd, if you haven’t already. M. Thomas (JAX)…since Mike Sims-Walker is such a no count bum, this is Jax’s no 1 WR right now and if Gar-tard can get it to him, look for decent numbers.
Ride the Pine: Mike Sims-Walker (what is it wiht Jax and hyphenated names?). L. Evans…really Buffalo, really? P. Garcon…Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Must starts: Antonio Gates, Tony Gonzalez, Jermichael Finley, Dallas Clark, Dustin Keller.
Borderline: Z. Miller, G. Olsen, B. Celek. Are their teams good enough to get them the ball enough to make an impact? Maybe, Maybe not….
Ride the Pine: J. Shockey, V. Shiancoe, T. Heap.
Good luck and God’s Spead,
Big Pay league: 2-2 (but lost both by a combined 6 opts)
Small Pay League: 2-2 (I’m receiver heavy and Shonn Greene is killing me)
Welcome to week 4 of the Fantasy Football…week 3 showed us a couple of things: Cutler is lucky, Eli Manning is either hit big or miss even bigger…
Without further adieu:
Start ’em: P. Manning, A. Rodgers, M. Schaub, D. Brees, P. Rivers, T. Brady
Borderline: M. Vick (I know, but he’s played 2 cupcakes…), D. Mcnabb, M. Ryan
Ride the Pine: J. Flacco….and keep him there. If you have this guy as your starting QB 1 option, you are as convoluted as Obama’s reasoning skills. This goes for Shaun Hill too, who refuses to throw it to Calvin Johnson, which makes me very angry.
Start ’em: C. Benson, C. Johnson, M. Jones-Drew, M. Turner
Borderline: M. Forte…for whatever reason, they don’t want to run the ball there, but he is still lethal out of the backfield as a passing option so there is upside.
R. Mendenhall…maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s his play making abilities but I see a sub-par performance this week to which I have nothing more than a gut feeling and 3 trips to the men’s room as my “hunch”.
Ride the Pine: S. Greene…what a bust. Yes, he is on my roster…no, no one wants to trade, not even for Lee evans.
Pick him up: J Forsett…he looks to become the Seahawks emerging RB and since they play St Louis, maybe there is a monster day for him.
J. Kuhn…Yep, the Packers have a white, full-back type who just might get every goal line carry on Saturday. Enough said.
Start ’em: B. Marshall, D. Jackson, A. Johnson, R. White, R. Wayne, R. Moss, L. Fitzgerald / A. Gates, D. Clark, T. Gonzalez.
Borderline: H. Nicks…probably the best deep threat the Giants have continues to be wasted by Eli ‘I Couldn’t throw a Prom’ Manning. Who knows, but I am starting him because at some point, Eli has to hit him in stride…right?
Calvin Johnson…start at your own risk. Watch me say this and not start him and Shaun Hill finally gets the point: that this kid is a beast. You can Bet Matthew Stafford knows this…Matt’s so dreamy…
Ride The Pine: Steve Smith (Car)…they bad. Real Bad. Really bad. Really really bad. Lovin’ me some Jimmy Jimmy Clausen right now…
Pick Him Up: Some folks call me crazy, some folks call me Inspector G, either way Brandon Lloyd of Denver continues to impress. He had a monster game last week (and unlike Lance Moore of the Saints) and the Broncs aren’t exactly loaded at WR. Rumor has it that him and Orton share more than just fishing rods and footballs…but, it is just a rumor.
Inspector G’s Results for His Own Fantasy Leagues
1) BIG PAY League 2-1 (tied for first)
2) El Pequeno Dinero League 1-2 (Thanks Matt Forte) but on an 11ty billion way tie for 2nd.
3) No pay, no pay attention to league, although I have good players 0-3…time for some work…
Good luck, God’s Speed, Go Meat!