pistol whippin’ ghetto cheerleaders

Faurot Field and Mizzou Review

1656 total miles driven through some of the prettiest country I’ve ever seen, but also I will never be driving there again because by the end of the trip, I was so tired of being in the car that I could scream.  I literally did a few times.

I can’t really tell you how proud I was of our team as I was leaving the stadium.  I know that we pissed the bed the first 2 quarters, but coming back like we did, how we did, and dominating all 3 aspects of the game (minus that one broken coverage breakdown) was glimpse into the world that could be the rest of the season.  I also landed several up close and personal seconds on ESPN during the broadcast.  Can’t lie, that was pretty great.

71,000 my ass…

The Review:

Traffic/Traffic Control:  A

Not much traffic to speak of.  The city is of decent size but even leaving the stadium was easy and without major delays.

Parking: A+

We were able to park on the first row of a deck less than a half mile from the stadium and a couple of blocks from downtown for 20.00.  Reasonable and close.  Loved it.

Tailgating: D

All I heard when we got there was how Gameday ready the fans would be.  How awesome and hard they tailgate, how technologically sound they all were.  Well news flash Mizzou fans, the only people that were up and tailgating the way it was supposed to be done at 8:30 AM were Dawgs fans. When you finally got up at noon and made an appearance, the Dawg nation had dominated most of your ‘prime tailgating spots’.  There is no wifi anywhere, no PA systems set up anywhere, the only TV set ups were Dawg fans and your best attempt at emulating us was some sort of parking lot that featured a spectacle of flailing arm flailing inflatable blow up tube guys.

These people are in for a culture shock when they get on a REAL SEC campus.

Talent: C+

It looks like the tree doesn’t have many branches and the apples don’t fall far from the tree.  Just like the UGA bloodline, these people are in desperate need of some new blood to round out their looks.  There were some pretty girls, but I dare say they were as hot as they looked because their overall appeal was inflated based on the status quo bridge trolls that were running around.

Maybe instead of wearing t-shirts as dresses and shitty jeans and flip flops and actually take notes of the REAL SEC coeds, they may have a chance to go to a B.

Downtown Area: B

Their fan base is proud of their town.  And I’m proud of mine, too.  But all I heard was how Columbia was just like Athens, only smaller and how ‘at-home’ I would feel.  One word for that noise: bullshit.  In no way, shape, form, smell, taste, sight, touch, feel, and atmosphere does there downtown area like Athens save narrow streets with trees surrounding them,

Distance to Stadium (from tailgate): A

We wound up at the furthest parking lot away from the stadium, but there was a shuttle.

Fans: A

The most kindhearted and genuine people (as a fan base) you’ll ever meet behind Ole Miss.  Warm, talkative, and welcoming: these people are the epitome of Southern Hospitality and Class.  I even received a gift of orange bitters from a very nice gentleman in Jefferson City.  Georgia fans take note.

However, I recommend that the younger generation of Mizzou fans step up their game.  They were all wearing stupid skinny jeans, hooped stretched ear-lobe bullshit and smoking pot out of a one hitter in public.  I’ve never seen so many college age people vomit at will and witness a very classy (and hot) coed walk up within 30 yards of me, go behind a tree (or so she thought) drop her jeans and take a steaming piss. Then stood up, bare ass for all to see, and cleaned up.  It was kinda gross yet kinda hot.  But it definitely wasn’t classy especially since a no-line pod of porta-pottys was in clear view from ground zero.

Stadium Crowd Control/Entrance: A

Easy as it gets.  Period.

Stadium Atmosphere: B++

No way that stadium holds 71,000 people.  I’m not buying it.  It was loud though, very loud.  And I was on the front row along with about 15 other Dawg fans in a sea of yellow.  Loved it.  Stadium was hyped up all game until it was decided.

Concessions: C

Eh…just so so.

Bathrooms: A

Nothing but old style urine troughs.  LOVED IT.  Easiest in and out job I’ve performed in while.

Stadium Music: C-

The same old same old.

Field Appearance/Play: A

I hate field turf, but the field played relatively fast and it had pretty colors. 😉

Traffic control on exiting: A

Super easy.  I was super happy.

OVERALL: A

This was probably the most fun that I have had on a road trip in some time.  The fans were so welcoming and so much fun to be around.  I really enjoyed the beautiful town and campus and atmosphere.  The game was nerve racking but ultimately loads of fun.  I will be going back.

Thanks for the good time Columbia and The University of Missouri.

-Inspector G

Todd Gurley: Progression In Ya Head

This is what happened:

This is what he be thinking while he were doin’ it:

Step 1: Run the hell over fat offensive lineman

Step 2: Make that cut to my left

Step 3: Straight thug nasty stif arm that bitch to the turf

Step 4: Turn tha corner

Step 5: Throwin’  em offa me

Step 6: Run them shits

Step 7: Celebrate with my boys

Step 8: Snow Bunnies! (This step was not featured in the clip, but we can assure you there are some VERY disappointed Daddy’s out there)

Why not, am I right?

 

This is how we do it.

-Inspector G

THIS JUST IN: Nick Marshall Runs Wild on the Aggies!!!

Reporting to you from the future, at exactly 3:43 PM on Saturday November 5, 2011 on site at Sanford Stadium where the scene here was nothing but straight domination.  Nick Marshall rushed for 219 yards and 4 scores today as the Dawgs butt-rape the New Mexico St Aggies 64-7.

Marshall’s performance was quite unexpected, yet much appreciated as UGA’s regular tailbacks were suspended for violating team rules smoking the sticky.  While the entire UGA back field has more than 40 yards a piece (Harton 42, Murray 41, and Ogletree 43) it was Marshall with his 6 carry scoring-machine performance that sent the crowd into a very hyped-up impregnating fiesta frenzy.

Fueled by Marshall’s performance, the Dawgs Defense allowed 0 points, 4 interceptions, 10 tackles for a loss, and all of that was from Jarvis Jones alone.

Going forward, Mike Bobo has a tough choice to make in the coming weeks as to who to start.  While Crowell has been quite the amazing freshman, Marshall has shown not only his ability to tote the rock, but also an ability not to give stupid as shit interviews, breaking team rules, and bitching about play calling.

MEANWHILE:

Truth be told, much to my chagrin, I doubt Marshall will even get the ball or if he even can be a RB.  But, something interesting and quite scary that you all should be thinking about is that Crowell is walking a razor thin line.  Don’t mistake what I’m saying to be throwing this kid under the bus, but here are some glaring issues that could be tale-tale signs of a Washaun Ealey on steroids:

1) Has had discipline issues since pretty much day 1

2) Has been overheard chirping about Bobo’s play calling

3) Has made mention several times about how “difficult” school is

4) Can’t interview worth a damn.

5) This latest suspension

I know he’s young and he’s not probably been exposed to the finer things in etiquette, manners, and proper ways of doing things, but he has to realize that if this keeps up and he continues to put himself above the team he will become an Ealey and will be forgotten.  Especially if Keith Marshall comes here.  Who is Keith Marshall?  The Nation’s no1 RB coming out of highschool right now who is heavily considering UGA.

I just hope that Crowell understands what being a student athlete means and what it is to be a Bulldawg.  I just hope he learns his lesson sooner rather than later when he has to transfer to UT-Martin.

NOTE: When I say ‘Nick Marshall’, I mean Nick Marshall currently on the Dawgs squad.  When I say ‘Keith Marhsall’,  I mean Keith Marshall HS RB from Northkerlina.

Just for shits, Keith Marshall highlights:

-Inspector G

 

‘Keyes’ to the Game: Dandy Vandy Edition

K- Keeping

E- Errbody

Y -Young

E- ‘En

S-Sexy

God Damn Right, I Love The Grand 'Ole Opry!

As I walk up the Bob’s Country Bunker in Nashville, TN I see this man taking tickets at the door.  He is just singing the praises of the singer they have tonight.  I look back at the sign which reads: “AK47 and the Hoochie Coochie Dip Spitting Pistol Whippin’ Ghetto Cheerleaders”.  I thought to myself, “What in the hell has Alan got me into this time?  What is this? Rap night?”.

Bob's Country Bunker Circa 1978

I walk into Bob’s Country Bunker, and lo and behold, there is Alan Keyes singing George Straight’s classic hit, “You Better Baby Your Baby.”  His back-up singers consisted of 1 black girl, 1 indian girl, and one white tranny (who had the best voice of them all if I’m being honest).  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  The following transcript is what occured right after that song ended:

Keyes: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you! Thank you!  We’re taking a break and we’ll be right back…

*We exit into a back room that honestly reminded me of a rape portal*

Inspector G: “So what to you have for me this week, Keyes?”

Keyes: “Well, well, well….isn’t it awful to know I’m right and you’re wrong?”

Inspector G: “What are you doing?  You going ‘nanna nanna boo-boo’ on me right now?  For real?  Besides, I’ve been quite fond of your ‘Keyes’ to the game and have talked you up.”

Keyes: “Ha!  I hear that.  I also heard you actually half-way convinced some chick at Amici in Athens that these little chats we have were, in fact, real.”

Inspector G: “I know of the woman of which you speak.  There is a possibility that this is true.”

Keyes: “Well, anyways here are my Keys To The Game:  As you know, UGA’s offense (and its coordinator) have been heavily scrutinized as of late for their underwhelming do-what-you-need-to-win-and-keep-the-points-differential-within-2-scores mantra.  I think some fans and pundits need to take a step back and remember that there is no reason to push things down the field so much and score 50+ a game when your defense is manhandling absolutely monkey-stomping the fuck out of the opposition and leaving the wounded behind.

In such a scenario, there is no need to ‘go deep’ all the time, sustain short quick scoring drives for points that may or may not yield enough risk/reward for the cause.  Look, Bobo called the deep shots several times, but Murray only hit on 2.  And that’s ok.  The point is to use up as much clock as possible and then that time on the scoreboard represents just as much of an enemy as a 20 point lead (although that, just for once, would be nice).  I look for the offense to continue running the ball, setting up play action for a couple of deep balls.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Murray will connect on a few and Vandy will be out of this game before they can get a touchdown on offense (which if you’ve been paying attention, their TD’s come FEW and VERY FAR between).  I see Crowell getting the bulk of the carries in the first half, hopefully racking up close to a hundred and a score, then resting him for Samuel and Thomas.  We need him 110% for Florida, you know.

As for the Defense: I shall sum this up in one picture and one only:

UGA=Goldberg, Vandy Offense=Asshat Schmuck

Special teams: Punt, Kick, Field, Return.  No fumbles, no shanks, no muffs.  NO BLOCKS IN THE BACKS.  Blake Sailors for president.

That is all.  It’s time to go back to my set.  I’ll dedicate this one to you…

Inspector G: Really guy?  Really?

Go Dawgs!

-Inspector G

 

Grantham > Mullen

For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH.  He aint the guy.  The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham.  Look, Richt has done his job.  He hired Grantham.  I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny.  And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.

Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about.   And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.

Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…

 

-Inspector G

 

Vaught-Hemingway Stadium/Ole Miss Review…

No, this is really not going to be a review of the game, but a review of the fan experience in Oxford.  I mean you all saw the game, right?  You saw us compile 475 yards of total offense and only score 27 points.  Our defense was lights out and the offense is one cylinder away from being really a high powered one.

If you stand under the stairs just right....

Onto the Review:

Traffic/Traffic Control:  F –

One cop on the entire exit.  Took us nearly 35 minutes to go 500 ft to the parking lot. And if it wasn’t for a UGA fan letting us in, it would’ve taken longer.  If I was a donor there, this issue would be addressed ASAP.

Parking: A

The parking lot we picked was close to the stadium, easy to get to (once we got off the exit), affordable (15.00), and had lots of portapottys.

Tailgating: A+

Does it get better than The Grove?  I don’t think so.  If you’ve never been there, you owe it to yourself to go before you die.  Ole Miss fans do it right and have the best tailgating in the world, BAR NONE.

Talent: Whats better than A++++++?  Whatever that is.

This is the most diabolical collection of dime pieces in one place that the world have ever seen.  It was spiritual.

Distance to Stadium (from tailgate): A

300 yards maybe?  SWEET

Fans: A+

The most kindhearted and genuine people (as a fan base) you’ll ever meet.  Warm, talkative, and welcoming: these people are the epitome of Southern Hospitality and Class.  Georgia fans take note.

Stadium Crowd Control/Entrance: F-

The worst and I mean WORST line I’ve ever had to wait in (even worse than Neyland and that’s saying something).  The entrance gate was too narrow and only had 2 ticket takers and no line structure or control.  It was awful.  Almost a 20 minute wait in a 50 yard long line (and it grew).  We thought we would actually miss the kickoff.  It really made you appreciate Sanford and all the UGA fans were saying so.

Stadium Atmosphere: B+

Can’t give an A to a place that seats only 60,580 (although official attendance was only 58,000) and has a fan base that are not rivals with us.  It was nice, but not spectacular.  We traveled well.   VERY well.  I thought about 25% (or more) in the stadium were UGA fans.

Concessions: F- – – (that’s 3 minuses)

Last time we were there, I would have rated it a B, but before halftime they were out of everything save Coca cola and water.  That was it.  Uber fail.

Bathrooms: F -x10

The bathroom in our section went ‘out’ midway through the first quarter and we had to walk to the other side of damn-nation to relieve ourselves.  It is inexcusable to have a bathroom fail and even worse when you can’t fix it.  Also the amount of bathrooms is unacceptable given the amount of people that stadium sits.  There has to be a line ALWAYS.

Stadium Music: B+

Apparently the Ole Miss Stadium Music Guy read HTT last week because this is what played during opening kickoff: P Diddy’s ‘Come With Me’ and then then came the Black Keys, ACDC, and LMFAO.  BUT, they also played that Zombie Nation OOOoooOOOoooOOO bullshit.  They’re fans don’t like it either…and it shows.

Field Appearance/Play: B –

Field looked great (but it is field turf), but way too many slips given that is was field turf.

Traffic control on exiting: F – –

Again, poorly executed, not enough cops, waited in the parking lot way too long in a stale mate.

OVERALL: A

Ole Miss needs to say ‘thank you’ to their fans, the grove, and the talent because if that’s not there, this overall is definitely a ‘C-‘.  Crowd control, traffic, and bathrooms are of utmost importance and you screwed those up royaly.

Thanks for the good time Oxford and The University of Mississippi.

-Inspector G

Someone Has Got Some ‘Splainin To Do Part II…

What the hell is going on with the music in Sanford Stadium???    What is this Zombie Nation OOOoooOOOoooOOO bullshit?  Are we GA Tech now?  What is this “Jump Around” nonsense from House of Pain?   I am perplexed.  Our stadium music was fine.  Or at least adequate. Now, just like our recent records, look of the field, and a part of our fan base it too is abysmal.

If you looked around the stadium when this garbage was being played (and sponsored by Academy which I will now be boycotting) fans were looking around with their hands up and I heard countless, “What is this shit?” exclamations.  It makes me sick.  Well I’m gonna list a couple of songs that I think we could utilize to not only ‘hype up’ the crowd, but also send a message that this Stadium is uniquely Georgia and that it is in the music capital of the state: ATHENS.  Home of the B-52s, REM, Drive By Truckers, Widespread Panic, etc.  We should act like it.  So besides The Who’s Baba O’Reiley, here is the list that I have compiled.  Some old, some new, some surprises.

Those can be used for kickoffs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMUgmU_Hsjc&feature=player_detailpage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWeAtLr8bX4&feature=player_detailpage

These can be used for warm ups…

I mean hell, anything other than that Zombie Nation horseshit.

I know this my seem trivial to some of you, but I feel like we’ve changed things just to change them…

*UPDATE:  I thought of some other traditions that are changed as well.  The spell GEORGIA cheer is now done at the beginning of the game and NOT at halftime.  And the band location has also moved and is right beside the other team’s band and they muddle together in this cluster of sounds.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Inspector G