oh shit

The Gambler, week 4

The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers, comes bearing gifts in the form of fail-proof fucking football picks. Without further adieu, Hailtothee.com brings you Kenny’s week 4 notables. There is quite a slew of good match-ups scheduled for Saturday so Kenny’s got a slew of picks to choose from.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

NORTH CAROLINA +7 OVER (25) GEORGIA TECH
The Jackets have literally played dogshit teams these first three weeks. They even wasted a bunch of cotton and materials on some shitty t-shirts commemorating a win over a Kansas team that’s actually weighing the pros and cons of re-hiring Mark Mangino. UNC will be bringing the most athletic defense in the ACC to Bobby Dodd stadium so expect Tech to fall quite short of its gaudy season averages for yards gained or points scored.

MASSACHUSETTS +10.5 OVER BOSTON COLLEGE (LOL)
Because BC is awful. Not Murmphis awful, but awful nonetheless. Back-to-back losses to UCF (30-3) and Duke (20-19) have the Eagles reeling and without momentum heading into this match-up which will likely be overlooked by BC with Wake Forest, Clemson, VT, Maryland, and FSU all looming ahead.

(15) FLORIDA -19.5 OVER KENTUCKY
Will COACH BOOM MOTHERFUCKER‘s Gators make it 25 in a row over Kentucky? Most likely. But by a 20 point margin? Probably so. In the world of analogies, the Wildcat offense is a kitten and the Gator defense is a residential wood chipper so this could get ugly real fast if UK doesn’t protect the ball.

(21) CLEMSON -3 OVER (11) FLORIDA STATE
The injury bug looks to have hit FSU with QB EJ Manuel’s uncertainty and a visit to Death Valley is definitely not the cure. Clemson can assume the reins of the ACC Atlantic division with a win on Saturday. We asked Coach Dabo Swinney about the significance of a win over FSU, which hasn’t won at Clemson since 2001: “RAWRUGSRGOHGOISNJRGFVNR UNBELIEVEABLE HGYUSERGSF COOL COOL IIUHRGISUIRNG ICE WATER VEINS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like sending your credit card information over to that Nigerian gentleman who plans to send you the $10 million dollars that was willed to you by someone you’ve never heard of, sir and/or madam.

(2) LOUISIANA STATE -6 OVER (16) WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA
Unless fiery couches fall from the heavens onto the LSU sidelines, expect the Tigers to romp all over the squad coached by LORD HOLGOR. LSU should be considered the #1 team in the nation right now and they’ve played arguably the toughest schedule in the country thus far so they’re battle-tested and ready for what’s going to be a debaucherous night in Morgantown. A night filled with furniture being set ablaze, Sharpie-made West “Fuckin” Virginia t-shirts (since the school is buying them all back), and non-consenting intercourse.

VANDERBILT +15.5 OVER (12) SAKERLINA
James Franklin is getting the most out of this squad of over-achievers (s0 far). The Commodores lead the SEC with 12 forced turnovers and South Carolina has been playing like a steaming heap of jungly gorilla shit. A few balls bounce in Vandy’s favor and we could be looking at a completely different SEC East scenario.

ARIZONA STATE -1.5 OVER (23) SOUTHERN CAL
The Trojans are looking for their 12th consecutive win over ASU but Lane Kiffin will fuck it up somehow by going for (and failing to achieve) two-point conversions after each score. Also, Brock “Bill Brasky” Osweiler plays QB for the Sun Devils. He stands at an astounding 18 feet 3 inches tall and his jersey is made of tyrannosaurus rex foreskin.

GEORGIA -10 OVER OLE MISS
Mississippi is the worst team in the SEC and as a game progresses, they get shittier and shittier. We suspect that a fellow like Houston Nutt doesn’t command very much admiration and charisma from his players because we’ve seen some very uninspired football coming out of the Rebel Black Bears as of late. If Georgia doesn’t absolutely fucking maul Ole Miss then it’s going to raise some tempers in Athens. Don’t even speak of a loss to the Rebels.

(7) OKLAHOMA STATE +4.5 OVER (8) TEXAS A&M
The line here doesn’t really follow any logic or convention. Actually, wait, that’s backwards. The polls don’t follow any fucking logic or convention. Derp. This one will probably be decided by less than a TD so it’s a tough pick and the Gambler is just basing this one off of how much he admires Mike Gundy for being a fucking man who is 44.

(3) ALABAMA -11 OVER (14) ARKANSAS
Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, a relentless force on the line, is scratched from this week’s game with a hammy injury so the Tide’s slow and methodical ground game will eventually mount and penetrate the Arkansas D with resistance at first, followed by lethargic acceptance.

“Oh shit.”

COLORADO +16.5 OVER OHIO STATE
We watched a reply of the Miami/Ohio State game from last week and thought to ourselves (and screamed aloud), “what the fuck am I looking at here?” whenever Todd Boeckman Joe Bauserman was on the field. Luke Fickel has this shit under control though, bro, trust him. Affliction shirts for errbody!