Mother Trucker’s 10 Minute Oil Change and Income Tax Service
For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH. He aint the guy. The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham. Look, Richt has done his job. He hired Grantham. I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny. And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.
Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about. And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.
Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…
…brought to you today by none other than Alan Keyes. The failed Republican Senate candidate that ran against Premier Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate election. He was also featured in the smash vom-in-your-mouth hit, “Borat” (but I couldn’t find the clip…shit). Here are his keyes (if you will) to the game Saturday against the Cocks.
Inspector G: “Alan, thanks for being here.”
Keyes: “Glad to be here…uh…Inspector G is it?”
Inspector G: “Yes it is. These are prepared questions, so I hope you answered them.”
Keyes: “Oh yeah, I answered them, better than Obama answered his birthing issue. Or better than he answers teapartiers at townhall meetings. Or better than he can answer the question about reducing our debt. Or better than…”
Inspector G: “Please, get on with the questions…ok, great, thanks.”
Keyes: “Well, I will give you three keys to the Dawgs winning the game for offense and defense. Let’s start first with the defense. First off, we need a strong fiscal front. I would imagine that the ‘Cocks…hehe I said Cocks…would come out and try to exploit some underneath screens and crossing patterns over the middle much like the Boise St offense did last week. Although with a running back like Lattimore, I imagine the Visor will think about doing that, but won’t go to that look until UGA has proven they can stop first, Lattimore, and second get pressure on
Ashton Kutcher Garcia. Once the dawgs do so (and I think they will and probably cause at least one turnover) I see the Visor going to that underneath stuff. The question will be then is whether Grantham will put the D in a Nickel or Dime to stop it. Since we will not be out of our base 3-4 as much this week I think he will. I don’t know if Rambo’s return will mean a much better secondary, but who knows. I’ve been wrong before (see my Senate Campaign circa 2004)”
Inspector G: “That’s a pretty solid report on the D, Alan. I’m impressed.”
Keyes: “(in a STERN almost offended voice, yet quickly delivered) Why of course it was! This isn’t amateur hour! Now for the offense. I’m not sure what our destination was, but I look at part of this offense like Obama’s campaign slogan “Change You Can Believe In”. Keep that change. Although, Inspector G, I know we differ on part of the offense. You liked the no huddle idea. I don’t I would like to see them huddle, get their bearings, and then fire away. They took 78% of the snaps out of the shotgun and the run game was worse than an all-night coke-fest jam binger with Pelosi and Barbara Boxer with no rubbers. Hehe. Seriously, the I is a lost art and that is why the Dawgs have been so successful in this formation. Also, I want to tell Bobo to attack what the defense gives you. If they blitz their ass off, run a screen and make them pay. If their corners bail on every pass play, run something in the middle underneath, or a seamer. Look, if you breakdown the Boise game, each time UGA said, “Look her meow, I’m gonna match up one and one and tell you to beat me.” they scored a TD. Simple as that. Also, those receivers have to catch the ball. No excuses for dropped passes. Speaking of recievers, Orson Charles really shouldn’t leave the field. What did he have over 100 yards and a touchdown or two?”
Inspector G: “Actually it was 109 yards and one touchdown”
Keyes: “Whatever. Also, I would like to see Boykin and Smith take some snaps, just to see what happens. Fastest players, most explosive players, touching the football=good idea. Raising taxes, not cutting spending, masking additional “stimulus” to the tune of 450,000,000,000 (yep, that’s BILLION) by stating it is ‘job creation money’ = bad idea. You know, back when I was running for…”
Inspector G: “Ok, that’s all the time we have. Thanks Alan. We’ll see you next week…maybe.”
He’s taller in person.
Received several requests on Twitter (@REALInspectorG) and abroad to do a season preview about what I thought about the season and the first game. Get ready for some honest homerism.
I look around this unit and I see two things: Loads of Talent and Very Little Depth. On the plus side, Crowell seems to be as advertised. Murray may be the next Heisman to wear the red and black. Ben Jones eats grass and 1 techniques for brunch. From all of the reports I have read and heard (and trust me, I’ve looked at more than my fair share) that our core looks good. I’m hearing Samuel can still tote the rock. I’ve been told that the receivers have been stepping up, especially Marlon Brown. This scares me. Why? Because this is the same type of happy talk we hear every year and the average Chinese Buffet frequenting Georgia fan is main-lining it like fresh cut heroin. I’ll be skeptical on this unit as a whole until we put up 40+ on Boise and the ‘Cocks. I mean c’mon, I’ve been hearing about how awesome Marlon Brown is for the past two seasons and the only thing he’s been good for is giving humorous facebook status updates about slaying white girls. Don’t believe me? Go ‘friend’ him. I look at Murray, Charles, King, and the O-line and I feel like we can be efficient enough to keep us in every game, but unless all this ‘happy talk’ translates on the field, we won’t be world beaters this year. However, if these guys do step up and start producing on a high level (damn, I sound like a coach) the big O could be scary. I think Aaron Murray is the best QB in the SEC and if he can have some things fall his way, he may be considered one of the top 3 in the nation by the time this season ends.
Best Players/Impacts (in order of importance)
Aaron Murray- Absolute film rat, prepares better than probably every QB in the nation save Kellen Moore, will throw 27 TD’s run for 6 more, will still make more plays with his feet than our fan base will admit and Richt wants.
Ben Jones – ranked 1 or 2 best center (depending on what publication you read), was named the all out leader of the team by Murray and others (as reported by Radi Nabulsi), anchors the 2nd best o-line in the SEC should they all stay healthy.
Orson Charles: I would put him at no 2 but my lineman background wont let me, best TE in the nation, best TE in the nation, best TE in the nation, look for him to be flexed out in space 30-40% of the time as a full-time receiver.
MOST INTERESTED IN SEEING:
Richard Samuel: Why not Crowell?, because I honestly think he will do fine, but so much depends on Samuel from leadership, to blocking assignments, to actually toting the rock. UGA’s best running game in the past decade was a 2-headed monster featuring Thomas Brown and Knowshon Moreno. Moreno carried it more, but Brown laid the hammer down. I think these two need each other to be more than just ‘good’.
PLAYER THAT WILL BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME BY THE END OF THE YEAR
Malcome Mitchell. Just wait.
Tons to talk about, mostly negative. I’ve had to give myself a couple of days to think about what I wanted to say and analyze without burnin’ this mother down getting upset. So please excuse my lack of posting.
No words can take the sting away, but maybe some common sense punditry will reduce the duration…
Check back soon…like tomorrow.
-Inspector G (ok, so I went overboard with the tags, but read them, they’re funny….)