meth labs

Burrow Brackett’s Crystal Ball…

 

NOT WORK SAFE!!!!

Gentlemen, adolescent boys, guys, mens, bears, power bottoms, and UGA lovin’ twinks:

Here is your Burrow Brackett Crystal ball.  Yours truly will be transcribing this report, verbatim, from Mr. Brackett so remember: these are his words and not mine.  Sorry for the alternative lifestyle opening, but Burrow advised that was the only way we could keep him on as a contributor (that and Captain owes him a slush puppy).

(Imagine your inner voice as a homosexual toddler pageant coordinator from Dothan, AL and it will be much funnier.) 

“Heyy ya’ll!!!!  It’s me, Burrow!  Here for my season ending balls…I mean season ending crystal ball.  Fore-casted for you, the fans!  Because that’s what dudes do, and I’m kind of a dude and like dudes, so there.

Ok, Inspector G  gave me these questions to answer and I took them home looked into my challenge XL 3000 butt plug, I ah-hem, I mean crystal ball and came up with these answers.

1) Will Mark Richt be back at UGA next year?   A: Well I sure hope so!  He is a dream boat and looks like he is could be the Kenny to my Loggins (I just love him!).  But seriously, yes.  I do believe not only will Richt be back, but he will not be lured to any other school, Miami, Colorado, etc.  He has won nearly 100 games in 10 years, he deserves another year to try to get everything back under control.  I feel that Richt really does a good job, but waited 1 year too late to pull the trigger on replacing his defensive staff.  Next year will see if these major changes paid any dividends.

2) What about Bobo?  A: What about Smooches that male prostitute on Spring and 14th? They both are increasingly adept at what they do and they both will be back next year in their respective professions.  Bobo is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the Salami: he hits big, but then abandons what has been working to run some sort of inside RB screen or some off-tackle fail running play, mostly just for the sake of mixing it up and running it.  I agree, you have to have some variety in play calling, but especially this year when your defense was unlikely to bail you out, you have to get your hand on the starter and your foot on the gas.  I just hope that Bobo breaks this down, realizes that about himself and commits it to memory.  But, I cannot argue that his pro-style philosophy works.  We have scored tons of points this year.

3) What is our biggest weakness that needs to be fixed in the offseason?  A: Easy, 2.  First, we need to get a rock hard, rock toting monster from Carver-Columbus: Isaiah Crowell.  And then we also need to get a baby-gobbler 6’2″ 350 pound JUCO stud nose guard to make Grantham’s scheme work.   No 2, replace or current strength and conditioning coordinator, which I heard was done today.  Scrap our program we are using, get with the times, and get the kids so far into shape that they can run wind sprints in a hurricane without getting tired.

4) Thoughts on the Chic-Fi-La Kickoff next year against Boise St?  A: MMMMMM…MMMMM….MMMMM Kellen Moore, he really has some cute teeth, huh?  I like the match-up, the atmosphere will be electric.  I heard that the Inspector is selling his first born to buy tickets to that..haha.  This could actually either be the best thing for UGA’s football team next year or the worst.  Keeping VA Tech in mind, a UGA loss here would be everything short of devastating to start the season.  However, if we win, it will put those no-talent ass-clowns in their place, get UGA national press coverage, and set a mighty strong tone for the season.

5) Give me a new breakout player on offense in 2011… A: Umm, first off, silly-goose, that is not a question, but my crystal ball says (not assuming Crowell is in the line-up) Marlon Brown.  Hyped up, hyped down, whatever.  I’m ready for him to prove it, next year he is a junior and either he has it or not.  we shall see.  I also like Wooten.  Woot is explosive and now that Green will be gone, I see him demanding touches by his play-making ability, alone.

5) Same response, but for defense…  A: I’m not a big fan of church, but I am a big fan of Christian Robinson.  That play he made against UF when he went through that blocker alone was enough.  But look for UGA to have the best, most athletic inside backers in the league next year.  Jarvis Jones and Richard Samuel.  Unleash the dragons.  (I REALLY WANNA SEE 2 DRAGONS!!!).

6) Ok some quick hitters….several….go!!!

– Do you think UGA should have a throwback day next year with white pants, red jerseys and silver helmets?  Yes, it would look good, kinda like The ohio state, but it would be cool.

-How about black out in the dome to start off ther season?  Nope, let us wear our norms.  No gimmicks needed.

-Joe T II to s and c director, good move?   Yes.  The ex-players really seem to like the move, that’s all we can judge by now until next season.

-Sexiest woman on the planet?  Keith Evra.

-Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton, and Rosie Odonnell.  You got to marry one, kill one, fuck one. Go!   A: Umm…nervous….Mary Clinton, kill rosie, fuck Whoopi.

-Biggest disappointment on the season?  being 6-6 while raping the turnover margin and increasing our offensive ppg buy over 11 per game.

-Biggest surprise? Aaron Murray…LIGHTS OUT.

-Who would you rather nail?  Chad Scott or Stephen Scott?  I exclude myself from this, since I’ve done them both.”

-Inspector G

IT’S FLORIDA WEEK!!!!!!!

This is the biggest game of the year and honestly, it really wasn’t 2 weeks ago.  That’s why we here at HTT are pulling out all the stops and posting not only informative and insightful material, but material that will hopefully make you make fun of, guffaw at, and hate hate hate on all things gator.

First things first;  for yet another year, I cannot attend the game.  I have to work this weekend. Foxtrot Mike Lima.

Next, I will warn all of you ladies and/or female significant others out there to stay away from this guy:

"Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus" AKA: Avg UF Fan

Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus is found in and around trailer parks, central florida dive bars, and anywhere Pall Malls are sold.  These  idiots crazy assholes run around, all nimbly bimbly like, meth’d out and want to talk about anything UF football, which normally revolves around how good Tebow is, why screwing Tebow is not gay, and why Tebow should start every NFL game.

Also these idiots crazy assholes like UGA girls.  Normally a pick up line would start like this: “Hey baby, you ever flossed with 100% pure cotton before?  No? Would you like a shot of Patron with crusties in it and a cigarette?  No?  Aw hell, I’m just kidding.”  But they are not.  They are 11ty Billion% serious.

These folks are to be the on receiving end of relentless, tenacious, and voracious attacks on their personal, physical, and emotional health.  No holds barred. No family member stricken with cancer on her death or a slow opaquely simpleton child should be spared.  Use all you can, crush them mercilessly and when you’re done and they are crying pour salt, gasoline, Turbo AIDS, dicks, and a flame thrower in their wounds.  Basically defecate in and or around their souls, their very essence.

In the spirit of this week and Hallows Eve, here is a lovely picture captured by a true Dawg fan who gets the point.  This fine gentleman actually dressed up as a Gator fan for Halloween and lo and behold, he got a plethora of these: “What are you supposed to be?  A Florida fan?”  Ah, the irony is palpable.

"Just call me Randy"

Moving right along, I really like our chances in this one.  I think we might have finally hit rock bottom enough to not care about the ‘Jax Jinx’ bullcrap.  It’s about time we just forget about all of that mojo and quit pissing ourselves when we cross the state line.  Mark my words: Attitude will be the difference in this game, not talent.

More to come later.  Register for our feed so you automatically get the updates.  As one loyal and valued reader told me recently, “[Inspector G], I wasted like a whole Friday at work reading your site.  It was the most productive thing I’d done all week.”  Now THAT’s what I’m talking about.  Invite your UGA savvy and UF friends, too.  Tell them about us! Invite them to visit HTT, register, and subscribe.

In all seriousness Captain and I want to thank all of you: friends, readers, subscribers, our two new Post Ready Members (who have yet to post anything, so get with it…)…I know some of you might deem this a little too ‘racy’ or ‘profanity laced’, but if you do, you obviously don’t know us very well or our friends.  But again, THANK YOU!

More to come this week…wow, EPICNESS…stay tuned…

-Inspector G

Alright you bastards, now you know how I feel…Part 1 of 2

  “It’s easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you’re a winner, when you’re number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you’re not a winner.” – Vince Lombardi

What better way to begin a post about the direction of our program?  Richt hasn’t been here before and in my adult years (which is pretty much Richt’s tenure), neither have I. 

 I have a couple of points to present here, but before I get on with that, I want to make a statement about our fan base pitchfork wielding, retarded  asinine portion or our fan base.  To all of those calling for “heads to roll” and “fire everyone, including Aaron Murray!” you can go to hell.  I don’t have the power to send you there, but I have encountered your kind many times in my travels.  You all have a certain smell about you, wear backwards hats, have earrings, post rambling senseless diatribes on the AJC (ya’ll are the only ones who read that garbage anyway), and more than once have been at the receiving end of my fists (to great success I might add).  You are the bane of the my existence and honestly, I hope you are all sterile.  Bringing another meth smoking, trailer park wonder into the world should be outlawed. 

 So, now on to the real fan’s perspective:

 I see it out there.  The long faces, the nervous feeling in your gut, the thought of quicksand.  I feel it, too.  This part one of two will focus on what I believe our shortcomings are.  Post two will be about how to fix them.

 If football were a simplified equation, it might look like this: Coaches + Players x execution= Success.  So my post will follow this format…

 Coaches: Wow, the hottest topic of them all.  Are we to believe that this bunch of former Collegiate players really are so inept, that our team is 0-3 in our Conference because of their inability to call short passes over deep outs? Or cover 2 over man?  Or a flex blocking scheme over big on big?  I think not, but they sure haven’t been helping their case. 

 Being a former collegiate player myself, coaching means much more than most fans think.  Most coaching staffs have a synergy about them.  Having coaches filling different roles (beyond X’s and O’s).  Some are fiery some are calm.  Some are player’s coaches and some are reserved.  From what I can tell (or what I see on the field) the coaches do not have this cohesion yet.  I don’t know why, but I’ll bet it has to do with all of the changes, the media absolutely crucifying them, and us, the fans.  

Either way, at least on the surface, it is safe to say they aren’t all hitting on the cylinders.  I’m sure you can see it and an in depth look in to player and fellow coach’s quotes, you can read between the lines.

 Also, there is a confidence problem.  The players are not buying in, or so it seems, into the offense or the defense.  However, losing as many offensive leaders last year (including the Ginger Ninja) and not having Green in the lineup makes a huge difference, especially to the younger players.  Who has been outstanding on offense: Chris Durham. Confidence.  Tavarres King.  Confidence.   Not that I’m excusing the performance, but as a former player, I have experienced this happen, a year later, we were in the playoffs.

Players:  We, for the second year in a row, do not have a plethora of leaders, especially on defense.  We are young there, but still…no Curran’s, Pollack’s, or Allen’s.  We definitely do not have players who lead by example.  Besides Daryl Gamble, I have not seen a single player on Defense have a complete game yet (yes, that includes Justin Houston).  Inconsistency has lead to our early and late brain farts mental breakdowns, thus costing us chances to climb back into the game.

On offense, we are getting one of the best leaders back in the line-up.  I know, Green may not be a vocal leader, but I’ve seen him, by his play alone save 2 games for us single handedly (SEE: Arkansas, Arizona State 2009). His play inspires people, inspires players, inspires coaches.

One additional offensive note: Aaron Murray may be the most impressive Frosh I’ve ever seen in a UGA uniform.  I know David Greene was good, but his supporting cast was much better (especially his O line).  Murray is getting it done and on a personal note, is slowly but surely becoming Man-Crush material.

Perception:  Confidence is down, winning is down, big plays are down (unless you are our opponent), coaching synergy is down, fan enthusiasm is down, media love (except ESPN, they hate us and I am serious), we are seriously in the NCAA football BCS basement.  Don’t think for a second our players don’t read these things, here these pundits busting their chops, and here these “fringe fans” talk about how terrible they are.  Now compound that with the 1-3 record…wow.

Execution: I went through this week and reviewed every game we have played (every play, minus La-La).  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about 4 plays away from being 4-0.  “Inspector, have you lost your freaking mind?” Well, no.  Execution has been our worst enemy.  On almost every pivotal play of significance, we have either had a) a fumble, b) a penalty, or c) a coverage breakdown.  That’s not a sign of the coaches not coaching, but of the players not playing…just a FYI

In summation: Our major problems are: Coaching Synergy, Confidence, Perception issues, execution, some bad luck.

Yes, overly simplified, I know.  Yes, I am capable of going further in depth and writing a breakdown worthy of a “Doctorate Dissertation” but Football needs to be simplified, not more complex.

Tune in for my Part 2 on what I think will fix or ‘could’ fix these…

 -Inspector  G

The Gambler, week 4

Kenny Rogers himself gives you tips for week 4’s notable lines and how you can avoid looking like this guy:

WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?

OREGON STATE -17.5 @ (3) BOISE STATE
This is a nice line for those of you who enjoy skydiving with a parachute packed by a dyslexic person. Oregon State knows how big this game is not only for their program, but for all the Good Ole Boys out there hoping for Boise State to fall short of its BCS championship game goal.

KENTUCKY +14 @ (8) FLORIDA
Not the crazy pick that a Russian Roulette skydiver would gamble on, but also not for your Bodog elitist. The Cobb-Locke connection looks to be a potent weapon for Kentucky but UK’s zero-interception streak will end against a Gator defense that already has 10 picks on the year. We expect Kentucky to scare Florida early, but a late surge by the Gator offense will equal a loss for the Wildcats in the Swamp.

VIRGINIA TECH -4 @ BOSTON COLLEGE
If we were fans of either of these teams, frustration due to years of offensive ineptitude would have been noted in the suicide letter.

(21) WEST VIRGINIA +9 @ (12) LSU
Bill Stewart has the talent on his WVU squad to surprise LSU. WVU comes into Baton Rouge with the best skill position players that LSU sees all year until Oct 9 @ Florida. Both head coaches are skating by on a mixture of good talent and Lane Kiffin-esque coaching decisions so this could turn into a clusterfuck filled with questionable timeout calls and failed 2-point conversion attempts.

KENNY’S SAFE BETS

(9) OKLAHOMA -13.5 @ CINCINNATI
Cincy hasn’t shown it can hang with FBS teams since Brian Kelly’s departure, much less go toe-to-toe with a top 10 BCS team. Oklahoma owns two of the nation’s most impressive non-conference wins against FSU and Air Force. Reverse this bet if you see Bill Stewart roaming the Cincy sideline.

MISSISSIPPI -2.5 VS. FRESNO STATE
Houston Nutt should be able to lead the Rebels to victory at home over Pat Hill’s perennial underachieving Bulldogs. Of course we thought this would be the case in week one against FCS/D1-AA Jacksonville State so don’t underestimate the chances that the crazy college football gods smite Ole Miss for taking a chance on Jeremiah Masoli.

(1) ALABAMA -7 @ (11) ARKANSAS
This one may be better suited for a short-stock trader than for a fiscal conservative, but we think that Alabama has the tools on both sides of the ball, especially the lines, to stop Mallet the Punisher. The Tide’s running game will be simply too much for Arkansas to handle. Unlike Georgia’s dual-backs, Alabama’s are proven.

JUMP ON IT! Line of the Week

GEORGIA +1 @ MISSISSIPPI STATE
We would bet the house on this one, and then some. But would also keep a fake passport and plane ticket to Australia ready just in case. If Georgia manages to blow this, we will chalk it up to a cruel prank devised by God himself to punish the faction of UGA fans that run underground meth labs.