lines

The Gambler, week 5

Hail To Thee brings you week 5’s notable lines courtesy of The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers.

WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?

MISSISSIPPI -3 VS. KENTUCKY
This one could make us look bad in a hurry if the Ole Miss defense shits itself like it did last Saturday when it gave up 38 points at home to Fresno State. This is amplified if laptop liftin’ Masoli continues his trend as an interception machine.

(8) OKLAHOMA -3.5 VS. (21) TEXAS
Texas was caught looking ahead to the Red River Shootout and bent over and took it hard from the most beautiful man in the world, Lord Neuheisel, last weekend. Big Game Bob nearly blew it on the road against an over-matched Cincy team. It’s hard to gauge these two teams thus far so honestly neither pick is a good choice and this game will somehow end up in a push even with a 3.5pt line. However, you can bet that Bob Stoops and Mack Brown have been gettin’ up in them guts in practice all week.

Mack Brown lost to THIS guy

(4) OREGON -7 VS. (9) STANFORD
If this line had appeared several years ago we would have taken out a business startup loan and dropped the whole shebang on this spread. My how the college football landscape has changed. Jim Harbaugh has his Stanford team in the top 10 and they have a legitimate shot at making it to the Rose Bowl if they show up each week. We don’t expect Andrew Luck to toss INTs like ASU’s Threet but Oregon handles business at home.

(7) FLORIDA +8 @ (1) ALABAMA
Gator rushing leader Demps missing practice all week (so far) because of das boot doesn’t bode well for Florida’s offense in this one. However, Trey Burton’s emergence may alleviate any worries. Matching up against Saban and Smart’s mad scientist defensive schemes, however, may not be very fruitful for Burton. On the flip side, Florida looks to deploy a “heavy package” in a futile attempt to stop Ingram and Richardson at the line. This is just a fancy name for a 5-2 scheme that will leave one unlucky Florida corner out there on an island with Alabama’s 6-foot-4 #8. This one is likely to be very close because of the even talent and athleticism, but a couple mistakes can completely skew the score. Chris Rainey has been texting Greg McElroy all week trying to rattle him.

KENNY’S SAFE BETS

FLORIDA STATE -7 @ VIRGINIA
“They are who we thought they were.” Virginia put a scare into Lane Kiffin’s Fighting Surfers a few weeks back, but then again, so did Minnesota and look where they are right now. We think 2010 Virginia is the same ole Virginia of yesteryear so FSU should have no problem dispatching the Cavaliers much like they did to Wake Forest last week in an impressive game for the Seminole defense.

VANDERBILT +7.5 @ CONNECTICUT
We’re honestly not sure what Vegas is thinking on this one. Vandy was screwed out of a win against 4-0 Northwestern and pulled a huge road upset on Ole Miss in a game where their offense seemed to actually have a pulse. UCONN was nearly doubled-up by Temple. Yes, the same Temple that was booted from the Big East in 2004. If you’re forced out of that conference for any reason at all, just quit. At the game and at life. We think Vandy covers and wins straight-up.

NOTRE DAME -2.5 @ BOSTON COLLEGE
We don’t give two shits for either of these teams, especially that has-been Notre Dame but we agree with Vegas that the Irish pull out a much needed win for Brian Kelly. Will Notre Dame ever be dominant again?

“JUMP ON IT” Line of the Week

(18) SOUTHERN CAL -10 VS. WASHINGTON
In no way, shape or form would we select Washington +10 in this game with Lane Kiffin going for two after each TD. USC is likely to put up 100+ total points on the two Washington patsies in consecutive weeks. At this point, the Sark is in over his head with the rebuilding Huskies and has a lot of work to do before fielding a legit team.

Georgia -4.5 @ Colorado missed the cut. We don’t want to jinx anything and we are in hiding after last week’s debacle.

The Gambler, week 4

Kenny Rogers himself gives you tips for week 4’s notable lines and how you can avoid looking like this guy:

WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?

OREGON STATE -17.5 @ (3) BOISE STATE
This is a nice line for those of you who enjoy skydiving with a parachute packed by a dyslexic person. Oregon State knows how big this game is not only for their program, but for all the Good Ole Boys out there hoping for Boise State to fall short of its BCS championship game goal.

KENTUCKY +14 @ (8) FLORIDA
Not the crazy pick that a Russian Roulette skydiver would gamble on, but also not for your Bodog elitist. The Cobb-Locke connection looks to be a potent weapon for Kentucky but UK’s zero-interception streak will end against a Gator defense that already has 10 picks on the year. We expect Kentucky to scare Florida early, but a late surge by the Gator offense will equal a loss for the Wildcats in the Swamp.

VIRGINIA TECH -4 @ BOSTON COLLEGE
If we were fans of either of these teams, frustration due to years of offensive ineptitude would have been noted in the suicide letter.

(21) WEST VIRGINIA +9 @ (12) LSU
Bill Stewart has the talent on his WVU squad to surprise LSU. WVU comes into Baton Rouge with the best skill position players that LSU sees all year until Oct 9 @ Florida. Both head coaches are skating by on a mixture of good talent and Lane Kiffin-esque coaching decisions so this could turn into a clusterfuck filled with questionable timeout calls and failed 2-point conversion attempts.

KENNY’S SAFE BETS

(9) OKLAHOMA -13.5 @ CINCINNATI
Cincy hasn’t shown it can hang with FBS teams since Brian Kelly’s departure, much less go toe-to-toe with a top 10 BCS team. Oklahoma owns two of the nation’s most impressive non-conference wins against FSU and Air Force. Reverse this bet if you see Bill Stewart roaming the Cincy sideline.

MISSISSIPPI -2.5 VS. FRESNO STATE
Houston Nutt should be able to lead the Rebels to victory at home over Pat Hill’s perennial underachieving Bulldogs. Of course we thought this would be the case in week one against FCS/D1-AA Jacksonville State so don’t underestimate the chances that the crazy college football gods smite Ole Miss for taking a chance on Jeremiah Masoli.

(1) ALABAMA -7 @ (11) ARKANSAS
This one may be better suited for a short-stock trader than for a fiscal conservative, but we think that Alabama has the tools on both sides of the ball, especially the lines, to stop Mallet the Punisher. The Tide’s running game will be simply too much for Arkansas to handle. Unlike Georgia’s dual-backs, Alabama’s are proven.

JUMP ON IT! Line of the Week

GEORGIA +1 @ MISSISSIPPI STATE
We would bet the house on this one, and then some. But would also keep a fake passport and plane ticket to Australia ready just in case. If Georgia manages to blow this, we will chalk it up to a cruel prank devised by God himself to punish the faction of UGA fans that run underground meth labs.