Keyes: One way or another
…brought to you today by none other than Alan Keyes. The failed Republican Senate candidate that ran against Premier Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate election. He was also featured in the smash vom-in-your-mouth hit, “Borat” (but I couldn’t find the clip…shit). Here are his keyes (if you will) to the game Saturday against the Cocks.
Inspector G: “Alan, thanks for being here.”
Keyes: “Glad to be here…uh…Inspector G is it?”
Inspector G: “Yes it is. These are prepared questions, so I hope you answered them.”
Keyes: “Oh yeah, I answered them, better than Obama answered his birthing issue. Or better than he answers teapartiers at townhall meetings. Or better than he can answer the question about reducing our debt. Or better than…”
Inspector G: “Please, get on with the questions…ok, great, thanks.”
Keyes: “Well, I will give you three keys to the Dawgs winning the game for offense and defense. Let’s start first with the defense. First off, we need a strong fiscal front. I would imagine that the ‘Cocks…hehe I said Cocks…would come out and try to exploit some underneath screens and crossing patterns over the middle much like the Boise St offense did last week. Although with a running back like Lattimore, I imagine the Visor will think about doing that, but won’t go to that look until UGA has proven they can stop first, Lattimore, and second get pressure on
Ashton Kutcher Garcia. Once the dawgs do so (and I think they will and probably cause at least one turnover) I see the Visor going to that underneath stuff. The question will be then is whether Grantham will put the D in a Nickel or Dime to stop it. Since we will not be out of our base 3-4 as much this week I think he will. I don’t know if Rambo’s return will mean a much better secondary, but who knows. I’ve been wrong before (see my Senate Campaign circa 2004)”
Inspector G: “That’s a pretty solid report on the D, Alan. I’m impressed.”
Keyes: “(in a STERN almost offended voice, yet quickly delivered) Why of course it was! This isn’t amateur hour! Now for the offense. I’m not sure what our destination was, but I look at part of this offense like Obama’s campaign slogan “Change You Can Believe In”. Keep that change. Although, Inspector G, I know we differ on part of the offense. You liked the no huddle idea. I don’t I would like to see them huddle, get their bearings, and then fire away. They took 78% of the snaps out of the shotgun and the run game was worse than an all-night coke-fest jam binger with Pelosi and Barbara Boxer with no rubbers. Hehe. Seriously, the I is a lost art and that is why the Dawgs have been so successful in this formation. Also, I want to tell Bobo to attack what the defense gives you. If they blitz their ass off, run a screen and make them pay. If their corners bail on every pass play, run something in the middle underneath, or a seamer. Look, if you breakdown the Boise game, each time UGA said, “Look her meow, I’m gonna match up one and one and tell you to beat me.” they scored a TD. Simple as that. Also, those receivers have to catch the ball. No excuses for dropped passes. Speaking of recievers, Orson Charles really shouldn’t leave the field. What did he have over 100 yards and a touchdown or two?”
Inspector G: “Actually it was 109 yards and one touchdown”
Keyes: “Whatever. Also, I would like to see Boykin and Smith take some snaps, just to see what happens. Fastest players, most explosive players, touching the football=good idea. Raising taxes, not cutting spending, masking additional “stimulus” to the tune of 450,000,000,000 (yep, that’s BILLION) by stating it is ‘job creation money’ = bad idea. You know, back when I was running for…”
Inspector G: “Ok, that’s all the time we have. Thanks Alan. We’ll see you next week…maybe.”
He’s taller in person.