Jimmy Clausen and his two first mates
Hail To Thee brings you week 5’s notable lines courtesy of The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers.
WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?
MISSISSIPPI -3 VS. KENTUCKY
This one could make us look bad in a hurry if the Ole Miss defense shits itself like it did last Saturday when it gave up 38 points at home to Fresno State. This is amplified if laptop liftin’ Masoli continues his trend as an interception machine.
(8) OKLAHOMA -3.5 VS. (21) TEXAS
Texas was caught looking ahead to the Red River Shootout and bent over and took it hard from the most beautiful man in the world, Lord Neuheisel, last weekend. Big Game Bob nearly blew it on the road against an over-matched Cincy team. It’s hard to gauge these two teams thus far so honestly neither pick is a good choice and this game will somehow end up in a push even with a 3.5pt line. However, you can bet that Bob Stoops and Mack Brown have been gettin’ up in them guts in practice all week.
(4) OREGON -7 VS. (9) STANFORD
If this line had appeared several years ago we would have taken out a business startup loan and dropped the whole shebang on this spread. My how the college football landscape has changed. Jim Harbaugh has his Stanford team in the top 10 and they have a legitimate shot at making it to the Rose Bowl if they show up each week. We don’t expect Andrew Luck to toss INTs like ASU’s Threet but Oregon handles business at home.
(7) FLORIDA +8 @ (1) ALABAMA
Gator rushing leader Demps missing practice all week (so far) because of das boot doesn’t bode well for Florida’s offense in this one. However, Trey Burton’s emergence may alleviate any worries. Matching up against Saban and Smart’s mad scientist defensive schemes, however, may not be very fruitful for Burton. On the flip side, Florida looks to deploy a “heavy package” in a futile attempt to stop Ingram and Richardson at the line. This is just a fancy name for a 5-2 scheme that will leave one unlucky Florida corner out there on an island with Alabama’s 6-foot-4 #8. This one is likely to be very close because of the even talent and athleticism, but a couple mistakes can completely skew the score. Chris Rainey has been texting Greg McElroy all week trying to rattle him.
KENNY’S SAFE BETS
FLORIDA STATE -7 @ VIRGINIA
“They are who we thought they were.” Virginia put a scare into Lane Kiffin’s Fighting Surfers a few weeks back, but then again, so did Minnesota and look where they are right now. We think 2010 Virginia is the same ole Virginia of yesteryear so FSU should have no problem dispatching the Cavaliers much like they did to Wake Forest last week in an impressive game for the Seminole defense.
VANDERBILT +7.5 @ CONNECTICUT
We’re honestly not sure what Vegas is thinking on this one. Vandy was screwed out of a win against 4-0 Northwestern and pulled a huge road upset on Ole Miss in a game where their offense seemed to actually have a pulse. UCONN was nearly doubled-up by Temple. Yes, the same Temple that was booted from the Big East in 2004. If you’re forced out of that conference for any reason at all, just quit. At the game and at life. We think Vandy covers and wins straight-up.
NOTRE DAME -2.5 @ BOSTON COLLEGE
We don’t give two shits for either of these teams, especially that has-been Notre Dame but we agree with Vegas that the Irish pull out a much needed win for Brian Kelly. Will Notre Dame ever be dominant again?
“JUMP ON IT” Line of the Week
(18) SOUTHERN CAL -10 VS. WASHINGTON
In no way, shape or form would we select Washington +10 in this game with Lane Kiffin going for two after each TD. USC is likely to put up 100+ total points on the two Washington patsies in consecutive weeks. At this point, the Sark is in over his head with the rebuilding Huskies and has a lot of work to do before fielding a legit team.
Georgia -4.5 @ Colorado missed the cut. We don’t want to jinx anything and we are in hiding after last week’s debacle.