hands off the merchandise
Today, HailToThee brings to you all of your SEC brethren as a classic wrestler. And by classic, we mean those dirtbag, steroid-infused coke head wrestlers from the 80’s and 90’s.
In no particular order, here we go…
Lucha libre and cockfighting go hand-in-hand, therefore it only makes sense that South Carolina is the La Parka of the SEC. Like the ‘cocks, La Parka was just sort of there, not winning any championships. Ever.
Yokozuna sounds about right here. He was hated by anyone not a Yokozuna fan, and he took the conservative approach, just like the Crimson Tide, by merely sitting on his opponent. Imagine the smell! This 600-pound fat fuck was basically unbeatable in his prime. But eventually he died.
Tennessee is Hillbilly Jim. There is no need to explain this nor can it be refuted.
Little brother syndrome? Brutus Beefcake, come on down! Not too fast now, you don’t want to step out of the Hulkster’s shadow!
Both Mississippi Schools
Fattest state? Fattest tag-team! The Natural Disasters are a perfect fit here. If the Egg Bowl were really a match between these two behemoths, it would look like two sacks of potatoes trying to have sex with each other. No one here wants to see that.
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Because Georgia is the most American school in the country. Plus, he looks like someone from the Macon-Warner Robins area. Goldberg would be most people’s logical choice, but we’re not very rational here.
Florida, you are Razor Ramon. However, you’re not the suave, Scarface-type Razor Ramon with all of the slick promo videos prowling the STD-riddled beaches of Miami. You’re the overweight, alcoholic with cirrhosis who wears 3XL button-up silk shirts paired with a nice set of black denim jorts.
Not this version.
Vandy, you are Virgil.
We don’t really know anything about Missouri except that Gary Pinkel likes to get tanked off of skunked Miller High Life at the local Applebee’s and then go cruising. At first, Stone Cold Steve Austin comes to mind because of this insatiable thirst for terrible beer, but there’s no fucking way Missouri is that cool, so they get relegated down a few notches to Jake “the Snake” Roberts, a true alcoholic. Also, not really a threat unless a poisonous reptile is present.
The Aggies would be Shawn Michaels had he never exploded in popularity in the early 90’s. Just your everyday dude running around with a feathered out dirty blonde mullet.
Poor ol’ UK, just plain terrible as of late, isn’t really good enough at football to warrant a male wrestler alias, so we’re going with Luna Vachon here. Kentucky would be beastly in the women’s division!
The Canadian Crippler is the choice that makes sense to us. Chris Beniot, like LSU, is volatile and unpredictable. Les Miles is one frustrating upset loss to a 2-10 team away from Crippler Crossfacing his entire family to death.
Bobby Petrino would love to have a fling with this little lady… and this little lady is Goldust. Shhh, don’t pay any attention to what was poking you in the back on that motorcycle ride. Was it as magical for you as it was for me?