This is what happened:
This is what he be thinking while he were doin’ it:
Step 1: Run the hell over fat offensive lineman
Step 2: Make that cut to my left
Step 3: Straight thug nasty stif arm that bitch to the turf
Step 4: Turn tha corner
Step 5: Throwin’ em offa me
Step 6: Run them shits
Step 7: Celebrate with my boys
Step 8: Snow Bunnies! (This step was not featured in the clip, but we can assure you there are some VERY disappointed Daddy’s out there)
This is how we do it.
So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis. Maybe you don’t. Here is an update to refresh your memory.
We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job. What is he good at? Who knows. I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.
We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason. So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect) “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right? I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”. He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’. He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work. He should have known better. You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.
So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)
“Ok may-yan. Here is the deal. We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball. Let’s start with the DEFENSE. Oh yeah! Kickin’ names and takin’ ass! Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks. This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long. Get Ready! But, there is another. Yes, another. Just like in Star Wars. He is also a JJ. Jordan Jenkins that is. He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.
Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok. I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,
Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good. It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason. With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games. But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.
Our running back situation is just like this:
That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile. No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it. Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.
Receivers look good. Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.
Special teams? Are you kidding? After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:
You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.
So we now have a freshman punter and kicker. Ehhh…we should be fine.
There you have it. ”
Well, here we are my friends. Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.
La la ladies and Gentleman! Welcome to the show. It’s a week before gameday kickoff 2012 and you know what that means: HTT is back! We’re here because we want to be here. We’re here because the chicks dig it. We’re here because no one else has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
And there you have it folks. Our new slogan: “Hey, we’re just saying what everyone else is thinking…”
This year there will be some of your favorites: my analysis, Captain’s whimsical innappropriateness, Jedi’s new bag (since breaking in his HTT cherry last year). Oh yeah, you’re favorite characters will be back as well: Kenny Rogers, Alan Keyes, The Macho Man…who knows, we may be adding some more.
Remember, we do this for fun and we do it for all of you who take the time to click here. We appreciate you.
Season starts in 10 days. Prepare your anus.
Maybe you wanted a ‘Keyes to the Game’? Maybe you wanted a post that linked the best breakdowns in the Dawg Nation Blog Roll. Well today, you just get me, Inspector G. Alone with my thoughts….delivering to you the most honest blue-print for success for UGA on Saturday. You may not agree and that’s ok.
I sit here at Midnight on the Eve of this game wondering about our chances. Hell, who hasn’t had a post this week about this game? Blutarsky (as usual) has pinned exactly all of my thoughts before I could even write them. The Georgia Sports Blog has even seen some Paul Westerdawg gems. Facebook has been riddled with so many posts about this game, it’s about to shut down and here is this little ‘ole blog quietly relishing getting picked up by the dawgbone.net that has led to the most hits we’ve ever had in a month. For that we thank you. Yay! (not so quiet anymore, huh?) But, back to business…
How many times have you heard this all week, “Well, LSU is the most dominant team in the country. They’re in the BCS Championship win or lose. However, who is UGA to summon up the nuts enough to play? How does UGA even prepare for LSU? They’re too fast. Too strong. Too good. UGA is just another walk in the park for them.” Huh? You’ve heard that? So have I. Surprisingly, there are a few little pockets of the contrary out there (outside of the UGA blog rolls) that have actually given UGA a punchers chance.
To be honest, I still don’t know exactly what to think about this game yet. On one hand, we are playing a team that I have watched no less than 6 times this year and I can say that this team would wipe the floor with ’06 Florida and ’10 Auburn. They are vicious, ruthless, unrelenting, poised, talented, and are well coached. What are we?
What are we, seriously? Are we a team that has improved constantly to a point where we are actually playing our best ball right now? Or are we, as most pundits pointed out, the recipients of the Miss Congeniality Award bestowed upon the SEC Team with the weakest schedule? I can answer that second question for sure: HELL NO. UGA has played 4 ranked teams. Lost to 2 top 10 teams and beat two top 20 teams. The team hasn’t backed in to shit…
What do we have to do to win? The question of the week. Maybe the question of the year. Here is my list of what we have to do and why…
1) Be patient, but take risks. Conflicting views? Maybe, but what I mean by this is that the last time we played a team of this caliber, we tried to force so many things we didn’t have to…talkin about Boise. We know what we do well and there is no reason why we should come out and immediately do a double reverse pass back toss flea-flicker throwdown. Although a couple of well-timed trick-plays would be nice.
2) Make them have an answer for Orson. No team has really had an answer for him all year. Let’s see just how good Orson (or the LSU linebackers/DB’s) can be. He may be the best TE in the country, try him a couple of times and see what happens.
3) Receivers play smarter. Look, our freshmen “Triumvirate of Awesomeness” (Bennett, Mithcell, Conley) are good. But, they are not going to out-athlete LSU’s DB’s. They have to play smart and key on what they are giving us (just like those cut off routes against Auburn). Don’t over do it. Run clean routes and anticipate Murray having to scramble and hit you on an impromptu.
4) OL has to have their best game. Ever. In the History of Best Games. You know why. Everyone knows why.
5) Key on their aggressiveness. The 6 times I’ve watched LSU they have played so aggressive in the secondary. They feed on that aggressiveness. Burn them with it. If 3 and 4 are coming true and they start jumping routes, punish them with a pump and go. Punish them with a screen.
6) Crowell/Malcome/Thomas do not have to carry the team on their shoulders. Just be somewhat efficient. If Crowell especially can get a few nice gains early, the play action will be much more effective.
7) Murray has to have his best game. There has been much talk about Murray’s Nostradamus-esque prediction that UGA would be back to the dome. He’s a winner and leads those around him with poise, drive, and tenacity. Now, he just has to be accurate. You and I both know what happens when he gets pressured early: the footwork begins to weaken and the throws are all over the place. If he can trust Ben Jones and Co, it may get dangerous out there.
1) Stop the run with pure athleticism. And you’re all going “well no shit, Sherlock”…but wait. WITH PURE ATHLETICISM? Big John Jenkins, Geathers, Abry Jones, and Garrison Smith showed last week (and all year) they can take over a game and do some work. LSU’s offense is not this juggernaut of excellence that everyone continues to say (and yes, I know there is a point to be made about their toughness, but I’m not buying it). Get the penetration, make them stretch to the perimeter, and pass.
2) If no 1 comes true, then continue to force them to pass. Let Jefferson put the entire game on his shoulders and he WILL crumble. He will make a mistake or 3.
3) Stop that bullshit option thing they do and that inside give handoff. They run this a ton, with lots of success. Ask Alabama. I don’t know how you could every time except play disciplined and man the f up.
4) Watch for the Mad Hatterness. Don’t doubt for a second, at any point in the game, he wont run a double reverse pass back toss flea-flicker throwdown 3 plays in a row…with the Honey Badger….ridin’ a Zebra.
5) Force at least 2 turnovers. I don’t know how or when, but if we can force 2 turnovers….mmmm…it would be beyond huge.
6) Jarvis Jones, introduce yourself to Jordan “Semper Fidelis” Jefferson early and often.
6) Don’t let up. If they get up on us early, hunker it down and keep us in it. If any unit on our side can, it is the Defense. Save our asses if you have to. If you don’t, it’s over and over quickly.
1) No mistakes. This includes a) missing field goals under 51 yards b) muffing a punt c) shanking a punt d) out kickin our coverage e) missing coverage assignments f) getting our punts blocked g) fumbling on a kickoff.
2) Basically our special teams have to be perfect. Time and time again LSU has absolutely taken over a game with their special teams. Fake punts, punt returns, etc…they GOOD. If we can’t be perfect, we will probably lose. Look, its honest, right? I mean we’re not gonna just walk out there and win against the no 1 team in the land.
1) I know the guys aren’t scared, so come out loose. Have some fun. And feed off of each other. We’ve seen it in the Auburn and Tech games. We really took those over and everyone got involved: from Jarvis Jones to Zander Ogletree.
2) When they hit us (and they will) hit them right back. Straight in the mouth. This team hasn’t backed in to shit. We are on the 10 game winning streak. That is no fluke, especially in this league. Play like you belong, because regardless of what Mark ‘I hate UGA’ May says, YOU DO.
I know this was long, but it is how I would plan around this team. We have to pretty much do all of these to be successful tomorrow. It is a tall order, but achievable. Lady Luck’s tender caress won’t hurt either. We will not be able to beat LSU unless we play our best game of the year, on all sides of the ball. Period.
Larry, if you’re up there, see if you can send a couple of hobnail boots and see if we can’t just pull one more miracle out. Just for you, old pal. Just for you.
See you at the game. Yellow lot.
I really am savoring this victory over Tech. For one, it just felt good to beat them, but honestly I am just awe struck by how hard this team has worked to stay together despite the “Richt on the hot seat’ meme and those 2 devastating losses.
I’ll have some more in depth stuff for tomorrow….but for now these quick hitters will have to do:
– Murray is much more in sync with his footwork when he trusts his OL.
-Chris Conley is turning into one helluva receiver
-I have changed my vote for the biggest offseason acquisition from Crowell to Big John Jenkins.
-Garrison Smith really did a nice job in place of Deangelo Tyson. After it gashed us a couple of times, he completely blew up those slant hand-offs.
-Todd Grantham for President
-Dick move by Johnson not letting the clock just run given 12 seconds left, but Paul Johnson is a dick.
-Speaking of dick moves, Johnson’s time-out ‘ice’ for that field goal sure did backfire didn’t it?
-Blair Walsh, I’m sorry buddy. I still love you.
-Jarvis Jones got another sack.
-Murray still needs another year to pick up the accuracy before I put him in the ‘lethal’ status.
-Orson Charles, best tight end in the Nation? Anybody?
-If Aron White dropped that TD pass he should have kept right on running right out of the stadium.
-Is it just me (besides that one pass today) or is Sanders Commings our lock-down CB?
-Tech fans are butt hurt lillies when they lose. The excuses on the blogosphere are deep, plentiful, and as usual lacking in the rational department
-Alec Ogletree looks like the defensive Megatron
I said it’s Great to Be A Georgia Bulldawg!
Paul Westerdawg over at the Georgia Sports Blog had a very fitting tribute to Munson for this Saturday: Wear Black. I myself will be in black for the Pure Old Fashioned Hate-Fest on Saturday. You should, too.
Also, and I agree with Paul on this, it would not hurt my feelings if the team came out in black as well. This will not be fake juice, but an appropriate gesture honoring Larry, his legacy, and his family. I really would like to see at least a sticker on the helmets or something on the jerseys.
And for all of those idiots who have been commenting ‘Durrrr, you obviously don’t know Munson if you think he’d like us to wear black…durrrrr!’: You sirs, obviously should continue to wear your No. 8 jerseys and earrings to the games. We sure love having you in our fan base.
Spread the word.
As most of you who know my true identity, know that I have played this great game. I still do, in my head. That’s why I, of all authors here at HTT, have the chops to write this pep talk.
If I were on the UGA Football team, getting ready in Jax right before the game, this is what I would say:
“Get in here! Get your asses over here! Now listen you sons a bitches, I am sick and tired of all these people talking about ‘we’ve lost it’ and ‘we’re not good enough’ I’m tired of that shit. I’m tired of coming down here every year and getting our asses handed to us! I am tired of the bullshit ‘they’re better than we are’ mantra that goes around for this game. That shit is over! Do you hear me?!? That shit is over.
Today men, we’re gonna go out there, in our white jerseys, and we’re gonna kick the shit out of those piece of shit gators from whistle to whistle. We don’t need any gimmicks, new jerseys, or celebration penalties. Just go out there, stick your helmet on some poor son of a bitch and let him know, as he’s having trouble getting up, that you’ll be right back on the next play. Hit them in the mouth, again, and again, and again to where they want to quit. Make them tired! Make them lose contain! Make them throw a pick! Make them know that this is not the Georgia they’re used to. We’re not pussies tip toe’ing around any more. This is a new era! A new attitude! WE DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY ANY MORE! All that talk of ‘calculated risk’ and ‘just enough to get it done’: FUCK THAT SHIT. From snap one to snap 168 pound the guy in front of you and make him lament the fact that he even stepped on to the field today!!!
You have a chance to make all of our preseason goals come true. No wishing, no if’s. Let Sakerlina worry about themselves. Because today it is ass whooping time and each of you have sold all of your tickets. Cash them in on every single sorry piece of shit criminal they have in a blue uniform. All the talk is now over. All of these panty-waste pundits who couldn’t tackle out of wet paper bag can’t “analyze” the ‘what-ifs’ any more. This is gonna happen. Both teams are gonna step onto that field and play each other. It’s up to you now men, to decide if these nay-sayers and fairweather fans are correct. If they are, that means you just didn’t do what you were supposed to do and quit on yourselves and this team. But I know that’s not gonna happen.
I want to pity these poor bastards on the opposite sidelines. That can happen when we cram the ball down their throat drive after drive and then make them turn the ball over or punish them to get 3 and outs over and over again. It’s time men. It’s time for you to dominate this team, this field, both sides of the ball. I want 60 minutes of smash-mouth football, no holds barred! Can you do that?! Let’s Go!”
So sue me if it sounds cheesy. If I heard Coach Richt or Grantham say that, I would cream my pants.
As I walk up the Bob’s Country Bunker in Nashville, TN I see this man taking tickets at the door. He is just singing the praises of the singer they have tonight. I look back at the sign which reads: “AK47 and the Hoochie Coochie Dip Spitting Pistol Whippin’ Ghetto Cheerleaders”. I thought to myself, “What in the hell has Alan got me into this time? What is this? Rap night?”.
I walk into Bob’s Country Bunker, and lo and behold, there is Alan Keyes singing George Straight’s classic hit, “You Better Baby Your Baby.” His back-up singers consisted of 1 black girl, 1 indian girl, and one white tranny (who had the best voice of them all if I’m being honest). It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The following transcript is what occured right after that song ended:
Keyes: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you! Thank you! We’re taking a break and we’ll be right back…
*We exit into a back room that honestly reminded me of a rape portal*
Inspector G: “So what to you have for me this week, Keyes?”
Keyes: “Well, well, well….isn’t it awful to know I’m right and you’re wrong?”
Inspector G: “What are you doing? You going ‘nanna nanna boo-boo’ on me right now? For real? Besides, I’ve been quite fond of your ‘Keyes’ to the game and have talked you up.”
Keyes: “Ha! I hear that. I also heard you actually half-way convinced some chick at Amici in Athens that these little chats we have were, in fact, real.”
Inspector G: “I know of the woman of which you speak. There is a possibility that this is true.”
Keyes: “Well, anyways here are my Keys To The Game: As you know, UGA’s offense (and its coordinator) have been heavily scrutinized as of late for their
underwhelming do-what-you-need-to-win-and-keep-the-points-differential-within-2-scores mantra. I think some fans and pundits need to take a step back and remember that there is no reason to push things down the field so much and score 50+ a game when your defense is manhandling absolutely monkey-stomping the fuck out of the opposition and leaving the wounded behind.
In such a scenario, there is no need to ‘go deep’ all the time, sustain short quick scoring drives for points that may or may not yield enough risk/reward for the cause. Look, Bobo called the deep shots several times, but Murray only hit on 2. And that’s ok. The point is to use up as much clock as possible and then that time on the scoreboard represents just as much of an enemy as a 20 point lead (although that, just for once, would be nice). I look for the offense to continue running the ball, setting up play action for a couple of deep balls. I have a sneaking suspicion that Murray will connect on a few and Vandy will be out of this game before they can get a touchdown on offense (which if you’ve been paying attention, their TD’s come FEW and VERY FAR between). I see Crowell getting the bulk of the carries in the first half, hopefully racking up close to a hundred and a score, then resting him for Samuel and Thomas. We need him 110% for Florida, you know.
As for the Defense: I shall sum this up in one picture and one only:
Special teams: Punt, Kick, Field, Return. No fumbles, no shanks, no muffs. NO BLOCKS IN THE BACKS. Blake Sailors for president.
That is all. It’s time to go back to my set. I’ll dedicate this one to you…
Inspector G: Really guy? Really?
“…Voice mail recording. 1 New Message…New Message from: ‘BIIIG DADDDY KEYES, BITCH!’ …30 seconds…’Inspector, it’s me Alan. Alan Keyes…ha! I’m drunk at a Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas! I’m gonna be late for our interview tomorrow, but meet me at the Gymboree in Roswell Thursday at 9! Oh and Inspector, inspect this (farts into the phone)!….end of messages.”
Inspector G: “Honestly I can’t seem to figure out why we meet in these places. I feel uncomfortable here especially. Gymboree? You’re an odd man. AND you were drunk last night.”
Keyes: “Yes, I was. I wanna give a huge shout out to Belinda Dobbs and the whole crew at Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas for setting me up nicely and not calling the cops when I puked in the salad bar. But, moving on…
The dawgs have a tough test this week. So many variables. So many possible pitfalls. Yet so much opportunity to have their first beat-down of a team all year. Yep, you heard me right. If some cards fall early for the dawgs and they control the turnovers on offense, I think they are poised for a rout of the Tennessee
Volunteers Road-side workers.
Let’s start with the offense. This group has not been stellar, but has been efficient. Lately, points have come early yet efficiently. I know everyone is worried about Murray and the turnovers, but he still is 17th nationally in passer efficiency and is on pace to throw more touchdowns than last year. I know the turnovers hurt, but all you can really do is trust one of the best QB’s in the Nation to lead the offense down the field. Also, it is just a matter of time until Crowell starts breaking them off: 30+ yards TD runs. He was super close last week and honestly, with that much talent and the amount of carries he has been getting, you shouldn’t be surprised. UGA’s offense is much better than UT’s defense. Scores SHOULD come often.
Defense, well, here is the biggest key lies. Yes, they have been playing lights out the past tow weeks, but the threat level midnight of this UT offense is much greater with Bray and Da’Rick than what the dawgs have faced since Boise. With that being said, the defense has been tested and has so far come away much improved, disciplined, and more solid from last year. Grantham has been getting pressure without having to dial-up exotic blitzes which has left our secondary to really cover without being undermanned. Washington being out does hurt. But hey, when a door closes….welcome to the show, Ray Drew. I really can’t say enough about the improved secondary play and I’m really interested to see how Commings, Boykin, Rambo, Smith, and Williams do against Tennessee’s
all-world mildly overrated receiving corps. If they can cover well, get a couple of early picks, count this game up to a circa 2005 style beat-down. If not, I hope the offense can play enough mistake-free ball to put it away.
Special Teams: Yeah, Walsh (again) still seems to have the shanks, but I’ll bet he might have received some tips from ol’ Kevin Butler. Let’s see if he can pull out of it. Speaking of Kevin, his son continues to punt with great effectiveness and it will be called upon again this game to continue. One more thing: Boykin is due. He has been several shoe string tackles away from breaking several. Here’s to the hope that they kick it to him.
Ok, now it’s time to go play in the ball pit!”
Inspector G: “Well at least I didn’t have to remind you about what this interview was about this time.”
Keyes: “Ok, who farted? Was it you?”
*Note: My one wish in the game (besides a victory) is to see Da’rick Rogers come over on a crossing route, catch it, be devastatingly hit by Rambo to which the ball comes loose, and Sanders Commings picking it into that checked bullshit end-zone.
Who’s the man with the master plan? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man who will say you can (even if you can’t)? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man that takes too much time on Hardball with Chris Matthews to fully answer a question leading Chris to swap it back over to Harry Bellafonte? Alan…..Keyes! Here he is ladies and gentlemen! The legend, the myth, the greatest non Senator that ever lived! The 1998 Junior Leader’s Of America Sponsor Winner of the Annual Meeting Hotdog Eating Contest and Tire Roll, our friend, Mr. Alan ‘Don’t Call Me Babydoll’ Keyes!!!
Inspector G: You’re late
Keyes: It’s a relative term.
Inspector G: I’ve been waiting in front of this Build-a-Bear for 2 hours. I’ve seen more spoiled kids and MILFs than Tom Brady in his child’s car pool. You need to start requesting more normal meeting places.
Keyes: You don’t talk to the talent that way. You know, Obama talked to me like that and you know what happened to him…
Inspector G: Yeah, he beat you. He also became President, a pretty crappy one, but nevertheless.
Keyes: Well, we need a new contract with America. More jobs, less taxes, you know….progress. I’ve laid out this 43 step plan to reduce the deficit…
Inspector G: For God’s sake, on with it!
Keyes: I tell you. Was I right about everything but the score last week, or was I right? I WAS RIGHT. Almost spot on. This week is a little more puzzling. A little more complex, if you will. On one hand, UGA has better talent. One the other, that hasn’t always worked out for the Dawgs. I have 3 keys for the dawgs: Short Passing game to lure in a big play, keep Relf in the pocket and let him throw (no cheap first downs), and improve on special teams.
La Tech shredded…I mean absolutely shredded Miss St with the short passing game by a quarterback who can’t even vote for me (he really was 17). You know the Miss St Fake Bulldogs D wont allow that for long here and will be forced to ‘cheat up’ and abandon the zone with a variation of a zone/man/robber allowing a one-on-one matchup with King or Mitchell and if Murray can land the pass….oh baby! The running game should do well and I expect Crowell to finally have that brutal cut to send him on a 40 plus yard TD run. I also like the backs getting some passes thrown out of the backfield. This has been money all year, keep using it. And if UGA doesn’t involve the TEs, it will be a tough one tomorrow.
Relf has not been
a world beater better than subpar in the passing game all year. As a result, if we can contain him in the pocket, make correct reads in the option, I see a couple of picks, a sack or two, and a lot of 3rd and longs. If not, this could be a long day. Mullen has been kinda pissed with his O’s performance and has probably cooked up what he belives is a fine crawfish dinner, but so has Grantham. I’m actually really excited about that mind match-up.
Special teams: Let’s just hope Walsh got laid this week.
Inspector G: That’s it?
Keyes: Yep, I wanna go make a Build-a-bear.
Inspector G: OK, well GO Dawgs!