gambler

THE GAMBLER, CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION

The Gambler is back with his week 14 picks including the meaningful conference championship games. Saddle up but don’t put any real, actual cash on these picks because ol’ Kenny went a dismal 5-5 in his most recent choices. Shame on you, you old bearded bastard.

SOUTH FLORIDA +2.5 vs. #23 WEST VIRGINIA
LOL @ Big East.

HOLGO MAD

#9 OREGON -31.5 vs. UCLA
Beautiful Ricky Neuheisel is asking for your thoughts and prayers in this one because it’s going to be a SACRIFICIAL BLOOD BATH. UCLA is scoring (23.2 ppg) less points per game than it is giving up (30.8 ppg). That’s all you need to know. Nothing to see here move along, folks.

MACHO MADNESS RETURNS BROTHER

#17 BAYLOR -2.5 vs. #22 TEXAS
Texas is driving that overrated train off into Failville. Auburn and Florida are already there.

#3 OKLAHOMA STATE -3.5 vs. #10 OKLAHOMA
Just like Baylor ended its losing streak against the Sooners, so will Oklahoma State. Both of these teams committed uncharacteristic turnovers in their most recent games (both being against Iowa State… lol) with the lone loss for OSU coming in said game. OSU has a slight offensive edge and OU has the defensive edge, but this game is in Stillwater and Mike Gundy is less of a douchebag than Big Game Bob.

#13 MICHIGAN STATE +9.5 vs. #15 WISCONSIN
I think Wisky wins the rematch here but I’m not seeing where the 9+ points come from as the last meeting was so close. MSU’s defense forced 2 Russell Wilson INTs (out of 3 for the season) so it would be lucky for the Spartans to catch that kind of break again. Both teams are playing pretty well right now and one of them is going to end the other’s 4-game winning streak.

#5 VIRGINIA TECH -6.5 vs. #20 CLEMSON
Clemson’s downward spiral into Tommybowdendom continues this week as it looks to lose its 4th out of its previous 5 contests after starting out 8-0. With embarrassing losses to NC State and South Carolina over the last two weeks, they’ve appeared to have lost that it factor that they had early on. The Hokies couldn’t muster up much on offense in the first meeting between these two which left Clemson with good field position for nearly the entire game. Since then, however, Thomas and Wilson have emerged as dangerous and consistent while Boyd has regressed due to defenses picking up on his tendencies.

Packed the fuck out!

#14 GEORGIA +13.5 vs. #1 LSU
Not putting on the red homer glasses and filling myself with false hope here, but there certainly are many reasons to be optimistic as a Georgia fan, both defensively and offensively. In looking at only the six common opponents that both teams have faced this season, Georgia has held its own compared to LSU when it comes to yards gained and yielded. The big difference, however, has generally been the scores. LSU averaged a 38.3 – 7.3 score while the Bulldogs kept it a bit closer with a 26.5 – 12 average. This is the result of LSU being really damn good at finding all of that hidden yardage. If Georgia doesn’t punch itself in the face with poor ball control and lackluster special teams play, then LSU had better watch out for its cornhole, bud.

Common opponents comparison

I leave you with this.

And Go Dawgs.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 12

The 2011 college football season is winding down before our very eyes and Kenny Rogers is still COMIN’ AT YOU BRO with his weekly spread picks. Kenny went a meh 5-4-1 in last week’s picks so you’re probably better off not putting real, actual money on these picks, as it’s about as risky as hooking up with Magic Johnson. It’s slim pickin’s on the good matchups this week and instead we get a shit load of SEC vs. FCS games (LSU vs. Ole Miss included) and other Tom Foolery.

#16 NEBRASKA +3.5 vs. #18 MICHIGAN
This one is basically an elimination game in the Big 10 Legends (lol) Division. Both teams come in with identical 8-2 (4-2) records but trail Michigan State (5-1 B10) for the division lead. This one is a tough pick that truly could go either way since both of these teams are not very consistent on a week-to-week basis. Denard Robinson is playing with a sprained right wrist so Big Red gets the nod. Also, Bo Pelini threatened my family with a toothbrush whittled into a prison shank.

#17 WISCONSIN -14 vs. ILLINOIS
Because Ron Zook doesn’t give a shit anymore, that’s why.

#6 ARKANSAS -13 vs. MISSISSIPPI STATE
Mississippi State has a defense that can give any offense some fits as they’ve held LSU, Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama well below their season averages. On the flip side, their offense couldn’t score even if it managed to bring home a blacked out trainwreck of a whore from The Loft on Clayton Street after force-feeding her a shit ton of vodka Red Bulls.

This might happen again

N.C. STATE +7.5 vs. #7 CLEMSON
The Clemson nose-dive starts this weekend against a shitty NC State team that should lose this one, but is 4-1 in Raleigh. Comments from Clemson players about this game all end up being about the game against South Carolina next week… hmm… looking ahead? The collective pot of luck for Tiger teams is starting to run out (see: Auburn & Missouri).

#21 PENN STATE +6.5 vs. OHIO STATE
Watching the offenses in this game is going to be like watching sloths mate – slow, methodical, and a 50-50 chance of either participant staying awake long enough to finish.

OLE MISS +30 vs. #1 LSU
Congrats Houston Nutt! Your final home game in Oxford is against the #1 team in all the land! Somehow, Coach Giggity is 2-1 against LSU during his Ole Miss tenure but this one should level him out to .500. The only reason LSU doesn’t cover here is because of the looming matchup against#6 Arkansas.

#22 BAYLOR +15 vs. #5 OKLAHOMA
Another case of looking ahead to a huge season-defining game for Oklahoma. OU is 20-0 all time (!) against Baylor so don’t expect Baylor to pull out the upset, but then again don’t count on an OU blowout, either. Landry Jones is still MIA searching for his truck wheels.

USC +14.5 vs. #4 OREGON
USC is one of those sneaky teams that may or may not show up to play, depending on how long Monte has Lane in timeout. The Trojans have the talent, and more importantly, speed, on defense to keep the Oregon offense in check. This one is being called “the Matt Barkley coming out game”. Coming out of what, exactly? The closet? USC will likely need some young receivers to show up big time with Robert Woods questionable status.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -26.5 vs. IOWA STATE
This one is here as an excuse to use the following GIF of Paul Rhoads rocking the fuck out to some Nickelback.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRURFFF ERRRR TIME I LOOK IT MAKES ME LURFFFFF

#14 GEORGIA -30.5 vs. KENTUCKY
Kentucky brings its 118th ranked total LOLffense to Athens in an attempt to gain a single yard against the nation’s #4 total defense of Georgia. Coach Richt has this team completely focused on the Wildcats because Georgia Tech isn’t good enough to warrant looking ahead to. Also, the team knows what happens if they’re caught with their pants down in this game. The Bulldogs will score enough points in the first quarter to win this one and prolong Joker Phillips’ losing streak in road SEC contests. Hop on board, Kentucky! There are no brakes on the RAPE TRAIN.

“The first thing (Sanders) said to me in film (study of Georgia) was ‘Max, throw it fast,’” Maxwell Smith said.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 11

It’s that time again kiddos for Kenny Fuckin’ Rogers’ college football notable picks. There are some good games on the docket for this week and also Kenny would like to send a BIG F YOU to Vegas in celebration of his 7-3 record in week 9’s picks. Kenny Fed-Ex’d in his picks today all the way from College Station, PA, where he is disguised as a student and is partaking in the rioting and other debauchery going on in that part of the world.

#19 NEBRASKA -3.5 vs. #12 PENN STATE
Gonna go ahead and get this obvious one outta the way here. There is no way that Penn State wins this game with all of the distractions that have been bombarding the team over these past few days. Nebraska rolls into College Station in FULL BLOWN RAGE MODE after losing 28-25 at home to powerhouse Northwestern (!). Not to mention Penn State’s awful 21.7 PPG (aka 100th ranked) scoring offense. Godspeed sweet JoePa.

GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE

#7 OREGON +3.5 vs. #4 STANFORD
In the Pac-12 there are these two and then there is everyone else. And by everyone else we mean a short bus full of AIDS with Lane Kiffin in the driver’s seat. It also appears that Andrew Luck has shaved his beard for the Oregon game and we all know Magic Johnson was never the same after he shaved his. Tsk tsk.

Just in case any of you weirdos want your own Andrew Luck beard.

FLORIDA +3 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
It’s about that time of the year when the Gamecocks somehow turn a 7-1 season into a 7-5 season. Don’t bet against history, folks. On the flip side, however, Florida has lost 8 straight against ranked teams. Excuse me, please remove that spotlight from Aaron Murray, sir.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -17 vs. TEXAS TECH
Just arbitrarily picking against Tuberville’s ears.

IOWA +2.5 vs. #17 MICHIGAN STATE
Just another one of those Big 10 roulette games where literally anyone can win. This one will probably be decided by a field goal echoing the excitement of the following clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsPNt6uBxBE

#5 BOISE STATE -15 vs. TCU
Outside of the opener against Georgia, Boise’s schedule has rapidly evolved into a crusty white piece of dog shit. DOG. SHIT. TCU is a long way removed from the team that upset Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl last year so don’t expect any additional love in the polls for the Broncos. Besides, even if TCU were ranked, would anyone still give Boise much credit for beating just another non-AQ team anyway?

#8 ARKANSAS -14 vs. TENNESSEE
A Tennessee loss here likely sends the Vols home for the holidays as upcoming Vandy and Kentucky are not gimmes for this year’s Volunteers. I was rooting for Arkansas last week because it meant a loss for South Carolina, but now there is no more reason to ever root for that beady-eyed manlet Petrino. With that being said, Arky crushes UT.

#1 LSU -41.5 vs. WESTERN KENTUCKY
The collective head of all college football fans would explode if LSU fucked this one up.

MISSISSIPPI STATE +17 vs. #3 ALABAMA
Not sure how Alabama reacts after the heartbreaking loss last weekend. Let’s just hope this one doesn’t go into OT also, for the sake of not having to listen to Nick Saban whine about college football’s OT rules (wtf?).

#15 GEORGIA -12 vs. #20 AUBURN
Auburn is coming off of a bye week but as it’s been proven in the past in the SEC, that literally means nothing. The tune-up that Georgia got last week was much more productive than a bye week ever could be so you can reasonably expect the Dawgs to roll tomorrow afternoon, as long as the mental miscues and special teams problems are absent. This is going to be an exciting game with an electric atmosphere emanating from Sanford Stadium so don’t miss it.

this has nothing to do with anything in this post

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 7

It’s that time again, folks! The Original Silverback ™, Kenny Rogers, brings you his weekly college football notable picks. Kenny looks to improve on his hot streak after an impressive 5-2 record in last week’s picks. This week looks to be filled with some underdog picks but that’s mainly due to how shitty and biased the rankings are as of late – looking at you Texas A&M and Florida State. Now on to the picks – and Kenny’s ranting.

I WAS RAISED ON THE DAIRY, BITCH

#11 MICHIGAN +2.5 OVER #23 OVER MICHIGAN STATE
Spreads like this are the reason that rankings are shit. Might as well flip the ranking am I right or am I right? A MSU win keeps the PAUL BUNYAN Trophy in the Spartans’ possession for a 4th straight year.

IT'S NOT GONNA SUCK ITSELF

OHIO STATE +3.5 OVER #16 ILLINOIS
Last week Luke Fickell and the Buckeyes managed to fucking meltdown and blow a pretty impressive lead over Nebraska, bruh, but I don’t see Illinois having the testicular fortitude (aka HEAVY FUCKING BALLS) to pull off a similar feat if OSU jumps out ahead early. Ron Zook’s Illini team is 6-0, but has just one win against a BCS conference team with a winning record (17-14 over Arizona State). A loss here would send OSU to sub .500 land for the first time since 1999.

#6 OKLAHOMA STATE -7 OVER #22 TEXAS
Last week I picked OU to crush Texas and OH LOOK THAT JUST HAPPENED. Texas couldn’t get anything going on either side of the ball, especially offensively. Look for the same this time around.

Children = Texas, Steven Segal = OU

MISSISSIPPI STATE +3 OVER #15 SOUTH CAROLINA
MSU generally plays very tough in cowbell land and combine that with some off-the-field issues for USC[east] and we’re looking at a game that could really go either way if the Gamecocks show up lacking focus. Or if Connor Shaw starts rebelling like Stephen Garcia.

#20 BAYLOR +9.5 OVER #21 TEXAS A&M
Not really sure what to expect out of A&M here. They’re like the FSU of the Big 12, getting poll votes on name and not resume.

AUBURN +2 OVER FLORIDA
Jacoby Brissett starting for the second week in a row and Barrett Trotter (still) starting for Auburn means you can expect a game in which both teams may or may not attempt to play football. This game will look like a monkey fucking a coconut.

CAN IT BE BLOCKED PUNT TIEM PLZ GUISE?

GEORGIA -10 OVER VANDERBILT
Vandy has scored exactly THREE points combined in its two SEC losses (Alabama, South Carolina) and heads home to battle a streaking Georgia team. The Commodores’ ineptitude on offense combined with an injured starting QB Larry Smith as well as facing a red-hot Bulldog defense does not bode well for the home team. A 10-point spread seems very generous for Vandy. This is one of those gimme games that gives Georgia a chance to shore up some issues in every aspect of the game, rest some guys for Florida and beyond, and also get some reps for the backups.

#2 ALABAMA -25.5 OVER OLE MISS
With Ole Miss tailback Brandon Bolden, center AJ Hawkins, receiver Philander Moore and two others suspended for the game, Alabama is literally going to rape the Rebel Black Bears. No lube, all rape. It is going to be slow, methodical, and not enjoyed by anyone not named Nick Saban, who will be sporting a chub.

SIMPLE HOUSTON NUTT

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -16 OVER TENNESSEE
Impending demise OH LOOK OVER HERE AT OUR WIZARD OF POZ HALFTIME SHOW PLEASE GOD DON’T WATCH THE PLAYERS GETTING KILLED BY LSU OR DEREK DOOLEY CRYING ORANGE TEARS.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK SIX

Kenny Rogers is back with his week six college football notables. This edition is brought to you by doppelganger Kenny Rogers who may look almost identical to the old-school doesn’t give two fucks version of Kenny, but this man is a tried and true hard ass and is on par with the psychopathy of Josef Fritzl. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there so onto the picks.

GEORGIA -1.5 OVER TENNESSEE
No homer glasses on with this pick. Tennessee cannot run the ball. Minus 9 yards of rushing against Florida, which is tied with Georgia at #7 nationally in total defense, is not going to take the pressure off of Tyler Bray. If the Georgia offense can shore up some of their mistakes, mainly turnovers and inopportune penalties, then this game is Georgia’s for the taking.

#3 OKLAHOMA -10 OVER #11 TEJAS
Texas has played a few hockey teams as competition so far this year so their numbers and record are quite misleading. Once they take the field against a battle-tested OU team, then shit will hit the fan. Expect Manny Diaz to request a transfer along with Case McCoy after Landry Jones and company get up in dem guts and start putting up some crooked numbers.

KENTUCKY +21 OVER #18 SOUTH CAROLINA
So much offensive ineptitude in this game that only a GIF can sum up what you should expect:

#15 AUBURN +10 OVER #10 ARKANSAS
Both of these teams are coming off of huge victories against ranked teams last week so neither really has a momentum advantage. This one is sure to be a close game that could go either way really. Whichever team is the least gassed on defense in the 4th quarter will likely win this one. Also, Bobby Petrino pees pants.

OHIO STATE +10.5 OVER #14 NEBRASKA
We literally have no idea who is going to start at any offensive position for Ohio State anymore, but that really doesn’t matter because their defense has generally kept them in their games and will be the case again on Saturday night. Nebraska is similar to many other 0- and 1-loss teams around the country in that they’ve inflated their stats by eating lots of sugary cupcakes made by a blue whale of a woman named Nina but then experience a horrifying scene from SAW when they face actual, real competition. We’re not sold on Nebraska anymore this year after yes, just one game.

#2 ALABAMA -29.5 OVER THE LITTLE COMMODORE THAT COULD
This is another one of those games that can be explained with a GIF:

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -10 OVER #17 FLORIDA
Prepare for the human sacrifices of Driskell and company atop the tiger’s eye in the center of the field in Baton Rouge. This is one of those games where you might have thought Florida could prepare and surprise LSU, but even Charlie Weis knows his fresh fish QB’s don’t stand a chance in this one so he has literally been eating non-stop at Golden Corral since brunch this past Monday.

The Gambler, week 4

The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers, comes bearing gifts in the form of fail-proof fucking football picks. Without further adieu, Hailtothee.com brings you Kenny’s week 4 notables. There is quite a slew of good match-ups scheduled for Saturday so Kenny’s got a slew of picks to choose from.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

NORTH CAROLINA +7 OVER (25) GEORGIA TECH
The Jackets have literally played dogshit teams these first three weeks. They even wasted a bunch of cotton and materials on some shitty t-shirts commemorating a win over a Kansas team that’s actually weighing the pros and cons of re-hiring Mark Mangino. UNC will be bringing the most athletic defense in the ACC to Bobby Dodd stadium so expect Tech to fall quite short of its gaudy season averages for yards gained or points scored.

MASSACHUSETTS +10.5 OVER BOSTON COLLEGE (LOL)
Because BC is awful. Not Murmphis awful, but awful nonetheless. Back-to-back losses to UCF (30-3) and Duke (20-19) have the Eagles reeling and without momentum heading into this match-up which will likely be overlooked by BC with Wake Forest, Clemson, VT, Maryland, and FSU all looming ahead.

(15) FLORIDA -19.5 OVER KENTUCKY
Will COACH BOOM MOTHERFUCKER‘s Gators make it 25 in a row over Kentucky? Most likely. But by a 20 point margin? Probably so. In the world of analogies, the Wildcat offense is a kitten and the Gator defense is a residential wood chipper so this could get ugly real fast if UK doesn’t protect the ball.

(21) CLEMSON -3 OVER (11) FLORIDA STATE
The injury bug looks to have hit FSU with QB EJ Manuel’s uncertainty and a visit to Death Valley is definitely not the cure. Clemson can assume the reins of the ACC Atlantic division with a win on Saturday. We asked Coach Dabo Swinney about the significance of a win over FSU, which hasn’t won at Clemson since 2001: “RAWRUGSRGOHGOISNJRGFVNR UNBELIEVEABLE HGYUSERGSF COOL COOL IIUHRGISUIRNG ICE WATER VEINS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like sending your credit card information over to that Nigerian gentleman who plans to send you the $10 million dollars that was willed to you by someone you’ve never heard of, sir and/or madam.

(2) LOUISIANA STATE -6 OVER (16) WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA
Unless fiery couches fall from the heavens onto the LSU sidelines, expect the Tigers to romp all over the squad coached by LORD HOLGOR. LSU should be considered the #1 team in the nation right now and they’ve played arguably the toughest schedule in the country thus far so they’re battle-tested and ready for what’s going to be a debaucherous night in Morgantown. A night filled with furniture being set ablaze, Sharpie-made West “Fuckin” Virginia t-shirts (since the school is buying them all back), and non-consenting intercourse.

VANDERBILT +15.5 OVER (12) SAKERLINA
James Franklin is getting the most out of this squad of over-achievers (s0 far). The Commodores lead the SEC with 12 forced turnovers and South Carolina has been playing like a steaming heap of jungly gorilla shit. A few balls bounce in Vandy’s favor and we could be looking at a completely different SEC East scenario.

ARIZONA STATE -1.5 OVER (23) SOUTHERN CAL
The Trojans are looking for their 12th consecutive win over ASU but Lane Kiffin will fuck it up somehow by going for (and failing to achieve) two-point conversions after each score. Also, Brock “Bill Brasky” Osweiler plays QB for the Sun Devils. He stands at an astounding 18 feet 3 inches tall and his jersey is made of tyrannosaurus rex foreskin.

GEORGIA -10 OVER OLE MISS
Mississippi is the worst team in the SEC and as a game progresses, they get shittier and shittier. We suspect that a fellow like Houston Nutt doesn’t command very much admiration and charisma from his players because we’ve seen some very uninspired football coming out of the Rebel Black Bears as of late. If Georgia doesn’t absolutely fucking maul Ole Miss then it’s going to raise some tempers in Athens. Don’t even speak of a loss to the Rebels.

(7) OKLAHOMA STATE +4.5 OVER (8) TEXAS A&M
The line here doesn’t really follow any logic or convention. Actually, wait, that’s backwards. The polls don’t follow any fucking logic or convention. Derp. This one will probably be decided by less than a TD so it’s a tough pick and the Gambler is just basing this one off of how much he admires Mike Gundy for being a fucking man who is 44.

(3) ALABAMA -11 OVER (14) ARKANSAS
Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, a relentless force on the line, is scratched from this week’s game with a hammy injury so the Tide’s slow and methodical ground game will eventually mount and penetrate the Arkansas D with resistance at first, followed by lethargic acceptance.

“Oh shit.”

COLORADO +16.5 OVER OHIO STATE
We watched a reply of the Miami/Ohio State game from last week and thought to ourselves (and screamed aloud), “what the fuck am I looking at here?” whenever Todd Boeckman Joe Bauserman was on the field. Luke Fickel has this shit under control though, bro, trust him. Affliction shirts for errbody!

 

The Gambler, week 2

We’d like to formally apologize for the Gambler’s absence last week leaving you betting junkies without any real insight or basic knowledge whatsoever of what was going to happen in the inaugural weekend’s college football games. Kenny was out there dove hunting using a slingshot made out of kitten intestines. He was also being fellated literally the entire time. I guess you could say he was a bit water-logged.

Anyways, cast your eyes upon Kenny’s metaphorical crystal ball where you will gaze in astonishment at otherworldly accurate picks as well as a photograph of Paul Johnson gettin’ it on with the male version of that thing from Splice.

This fuckin' guy

Now, onto Kenny’s picks.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

#8 WISKY BADGERS (-21) OVER OREGON STATE BEEVUHS
Normally we’d call Vegas’ bluff on this much of a spread, but Oregon State dun goofed against FCS powerhouse Sacramento State in their season opener. Beavers RB Malcolm Agnew rushed for a FBS-leading 233 yards and 3 TDs in a losing effort and he could cause some fits for a Wisconsin defense that looked sluggish at times in their opener against UNLV.

#16 MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS (-5.5) OVER AUBURN TIGERS
We feel like this one is a jackpot pick but there is a slim slim slim chance that Auburn could be sneaky good against its SEC brethren this season. Awww who are we kidding? Gus is going to need more than just QB pixie dust this year. This one is going to be a bloodbath to the tune of a plural touchdown victory for MSU.

EAST CAROLINA PIRATES (+17) OVER #11 VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES
Hold up bruh, not falling for this shit again. We’d rather stare at Frank Beamer’s goiter for two days than buy into VT beating by 17 on the road an ECU team that shat upon South Carolina for much of their matchup last week. ECU had problems stopping Lattimore (no shit) and VT RB David Wilson is no Marcus Lattimore. We’d like to give the Hokies the nod here because Beamer actually was quoted as saying, “There’s no question it’s going to be fast and furious,” which is pretty fucking awesome since Vin Diesel and the Rock are our idols but Kenny “Poundin Your Daughter” Rogers is making these picks, not us.

ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS (-8.5) OVER #21 MISSOURI TIGERS
This is definitely not a safe pick by any means since everyone associated with ASU is a mere sliver away from death. The blistering inferno due to a combination of it being Arizona and wearing all black probably doesn’t bode well for anyone not named Satan. I checked the weather and it’s apparently going to be over 2,400 degrees at field level for this one and wearing black is just fucking retarded so ASU gets Kenny’s sympathy pick.

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like going down on a girl you met at Pink Pony South.

NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (-3) OVER MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
BRIAN KELLY WILL BUTTFUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH IF YOU EVER DROP A PASS LIKE THAT AGAIN IN HIS BEAUTIFULLY OILED OFFENSIVE MACHINE. All signs should point towards Michigan covering in this one with it being the first night game EVER in Ann Arbor as well as having Denard Robinson on their side, but then we remembered that it’s Michigan and Notre Dame of new and not Michigan and Notre Dame of old so this will turn out looking like two sloths playing leapfrog. Rich Rod will be observing the game from one of the Big House’s self-serve nacho condiment stations which he is now a supervis– EXCUSE ME, YES, YOU SIR, TWO SQUIRT LIMIT ON THE QUESO PLEASE. SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT A BUFFET. MAYBE ONE DAY UNICEF WILL GET INTO THE NACHO CONDIMENT INDUSTRY BUT UNTIL THEN PLEASE FOLLOW THE 2-SQUIRT LIMIT PER BAG OF TOSTITOS.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK RAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

#2 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (-10) OVER #23 PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS
Expect the Tide to roll big over the Nittany Lions and kill Joe Paterno in the process. Wait, nope, he’s still alive and he’s just napping and his bowels just happened to evacuate oh GOD please let there be some wet wipes nearby this one looks like tub girl in real life. Also, rooting against Alabama means you hate America.

GEORGIA BULLDOGS (+3) OVER #12 SAKERLINA GAMECOCKS
Obligatory homer pick. Come at me bro.

#18 FLORIDA GATORS (-23.5) OVER UAB BLAZERS
We expect (with sadness and regret) Florida to actually be very good this season and their talent and coaching staff (on paper) is no match for UAB in this one. Also, Coach BOOM MOTHERFUCKER said he would kill us with a rusty spoon whittled into a prison shank if we said anything negative about his team.

CINCINNATI BEARCATS (+4.5) OVER TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS
Because fuck Tennessee.


The Gambler, week 10

We’d like to formally apologize for the Gambler’s absence last week. He was in the wilderness thinning out the deer population using his controversial “drop outta the tree on top of him and snap his fucking neck” technique.

Anyways, Kenny is back this week with his notable week 10 college football wager lines. He’s also been sending taunts and threatening text messages to Josh Nesbitt.

I was raised on the dairy, bitch.

#17 OKLAHOMA STATE -7.5 VS. #21 BAYLOR
The Cowboys’ offense is nearly as impressive as Oregon’s WARP SPEED™ offense. OSU is averaging 526 yards per game which amounts to #3 nationally in points per game. I think the Bears are outmanned in this one.

CLEMSON -3.5 VS. #25 N.C. STATE
Is Dabo stock up or down? Sell, hold, or buy? Expect the ACC’s parity and unpredictability to claim its next victim: NC State.

#10 LSU +6.5 @ #6 ALABAMA
I said the same thing about Alabama-Tennessee a few weeks back and ended up eating my words, but I’ve got the same gut feel about this game. Close with lots of gambles, but only by Les Miles. One of these will pay off and the Tigers may pull of the upset because everyone associated with Alabama’s football program is too busy paying attention to the Cam Newton situation. Finebaum is actually circle-jerking on air RIGHT NOW with a caller from Talladega who is likely a laid off forklift operator with methamphetamine in his system.

HI THERE MISTER FINE-BAUUUUUM  LOVE YOU AND YOUR SHOW BY THE WAY THIS IS MARTY SKINNER FROM TALLADEGA. LONG TIME LISTENER FIRST TIME CALLER, HEH. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT YEW THANK BOUT THEM (redacted) CHICKEN-TIGER-EAGLES FROM AUBURN AND THEIR CHEATIN’ QUARTERBACK TAKIN ALL THAT MONEY FROM POOR OL’ COWBELLERS.

#18 ARKANSAS +4 @ #19 SAKERLINA
Both of these teams are coming off of victories over the SEC’s bottom feeders (aka the great state of Tennessee) with Arkansas clearly having the better day. Carolina has played the SEC west better than anyone from the east so far this season so this could go either way.

MID-MAJOR SHITSTORM:

#5 UTAH +4.5 VS. #3 TCU
Gary Patterson’s squad heads to Mormonland to take on the Utes without their starting NT Kelly Griffin who is out with a season-ending ankle injury. As Georgia fans well know, dominant play from the NT position goes a long way so this one could go the way of the Ute.

HAWAII +21 @ #4 BOISE STATE
This is the first of two stumbling blocks left on the Broncos’ schedule. It’s unlikely that Hawaii will win straight-up, but I can pray. Last night I was torn between rooting against GT (because their fans do it to us) and rooting against VT (to squash Boise’s BCS dreams). Such a catch-22.

The Gambler, week 8

THIS HERE'S THE BAT FETCHER TRICK WITH MAH TEEEETH

After a 5-4-1 run last week (EXCUSE ME THAT’S BETTER THAN 50% SIR), Kenny serves up his notable week 8 college football spreads. Kenny would also like to remind everyone that he was raised on the dairy, bitch.

TENNESSEE +16.5 VS. #8 ALABAMA
The Fightin’ Doolies had an extra week to prepare for this one and they sure as shit kept it close on the road last year so I’m not buying into a spread that high with how tough these two teams generally play each other. Then again, relying on the past to make future predictions really bit me in the ass last week.

NORTH CAROLINA +6.5 @ MIAMI
Butch Davis is 3-0 against Miami since taking the reins at UNC and I expect him to remain perfect after visiting Joe Robbie Pro Player Sun Life JimmyBuffetLand what the fuck is this place called? FSU and THE OHIO STATE, SON won with explosive running offenses against the Hurricanes earlier this season and UNC does not have a consistent ground game to rely on, but expect several Hail Jacory’s to end up in the hands of the UNC secondary to make up for that. Straight-up may be a stretch, but definitely take UNC and the points.

GEORGIA -4.5 @ KENTUCKY
I actually feel very comfortable making this pick given the past two Georgia performances, especially on defense. Derrick Locke being out doesn’t hurt either because it removes that dimension from the Wildcat offense. This is combined with a statistical defensive and special teams advantage in Georgia’s favor. Kentucky may have “swagger” for the win last season but revenge and rage is on the minds of Georgia players not named Joe Cox. Expect the Dawgs to turn around their road woes tomorrow night. Phil Steele is big on Aaron Murray putting up a strong performance to boot.

Aaron Murray, Georgia-I used redshirt frosh Murray a couple of weeks ago against Tennessee and called for him to have a career day and he had 266 yds (68%) with a 2-0 ratio and added 41 rush yds (5.9) and 2 TD’s. The Bulldogs and Murray had 4 straight losses w/out WR AJ Green at full health but have outscored their last two opp’s by a combined 84-14 with him 100%. This week Murray faces a Kentucky pass defense that is drained from the come-from-behind win against South Carolina and I look for Murray to keep putting up solid numbers and he gets the Bulldogs back to .500. Murray is a surprise pick with the fact that he is only a frosh and Kentucky is off a huge upset over South Carolina last week.

NAVY +6.5 VS. NOTRE DAME
This is more of a spite pick because I hate leprechauns and Charlie Weis is fat. No shit he’s gone but the Doritos crumbs are still smeared into the carpet around what is now Brian Kelly’s desk and he’s pissed.

SAY 'YEAHHHHHHHHH'

#14 OKLAHOMA STATE +5.5 VS. #16 NEBRASKA
“HAHAHA good luck reading my hieroglyphics, Bo. Where’s my fucking hair product guys??” – Mike Gundy

WAT

#1 OKLAHOMA -3 @ #11 MISSOURI
I kind of expected this to be a higher spread but apparently someone in Vegas knows something the rest of us don’t. This should be clue #1 to take Mizzou and the points but I’m not that kinda guy. Scouts have said Blaine Gabbert gets antsy in the pocket when his target is blanketed and can morph into a Joe Coxian madman (without the purple chameleon skin), but this fact is null and void when confronted with a Willie Martinez coached secondary. I expect OU’s ground game to be the key to this game.

#6 LSU +6 @ #4 AUBURN
GAME OF THE YEAR OF WEEK 8. God loves Les Miles and his derpty-derp charisma so LSU will end up -4 in turnover margin yet will still manage to pull this one out.

CLEMSON -5.5 VS. GEORGIA TECH
This really could go either way because both teams either have it together or don’t. Pretty hard to figure them out due to horrible inconsistency, especially GT. In the past I’ve generally liked to see GT do well then get crushed in that last game in November because that’s what smart fans should want. However, my gut has recently been telling me to hope for GT to fail miserably. This all came to fruition when I saw a manatee of a bitch wearing a 6-XL GT hoodie adamantly cheering against Georgia during the Arkansas game this season. After getting a translation from a marine biologist, she was overheard saying, “I don’t even like Arkansas, but I hate Georgia.” Why were you even in Athens you disgusting mammoth whore? I apologize for the digression. Pick the ACC Tigers in this one.

WEAK GUYS. REAL FUCKING FUNNY GIVING ME THE MEXICAN BRICK WEED LACED WITH PCP. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Go Doggies!” – Burrow Bracket

The Gambler, week 6

This week’s Original Silverback ™ notable lines are brought to you by Pemmican’s fine assortment of beef jerky. Not because Pemmican actually sponsors anything, but because Kenny loves him some beef jerky (it was a staple of his youth) and he actually grinds it into a fine powder and smokes it in his favorite pipe, which is named “Steve”.

WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?

(19) SOUTH CAROLINA +6.5 VS. (1) ALABAMA
Nick Saban just called me a bitch for making this pick but the Cocks have been marinating in rage for the past two weeks in anticipation of this game. After losing by 8 at Auburn at the expense of four post-halftime turnovers has to at least give SC some confidence. As per usual with most of our picks though, this will likely end in embarrassment and humiliation, much like Paul Johnson’s sex life.

(14) FLORIDA -6.5 VS. (12) LSU
Honestly this pick is about as risky as jamming your dick into an inhabited muskrat hole but we think ole Les used up his last ounce of pixie dust last week with the foreskin-thin escape against the Fightin’ Dooleys. Les Miles’ dumbassery can be overcome by talent advantages over teams like Tennessee, but dicking around on the sideline instead of actually coaching against Florida will result in a big red L.

KENNY’S SAFE BETS

(17) MICHIGAN STATE +4.5 @ (18) MICHIGAN
We’re not sold on ESPN’s latest sack riding victim’s (Denard Robinson) durability so this one should be a common sense easy pick. Michigan’s patsie fest comes to an end against the team that just dispatched Wisconsin and we don’t expect the Wolverine defense to progress out of shitty mode which it appears to be stuck in.

TENNESSEE -11 @ GEORGIA
We think Vegas was collectively high when favoring Georgia by 11. We’ve personally picked Georgia to win every game thus far this season but the fucking opponents just don’t want to cooperate. These picks all made while wearing Homer glasses and red pants, of course. We think Georgia wins (duh), but not this big. Tennessee comes out flat after experiencing PMS-like emotional swings last week.

“JUMP ON IT” Line of the Week

(8) AUBURN -6.5 @ KENTUCKY
After seeing Kentucky’s defense get shat upon two weeks in a row by Florida and Ole Miss, Cam Newton’s gotta be feeling like Chris Rainey in a room full of scantily clad snowbunnies. This pick is a no-brainer.

"Haters gonna hate." - Gus Malzahn

The “NO ONE CARES EXCEPT SWEET LOU AND MARCY MAY” Line of the Week

NOTRE DAME -7 VS. PITT
Rumor has it that winner of this bet will get to sleep with the other guy’s spouse. We expect Lou Holtz to be not-so-pleasantly surprised when he finds out that Mark May’s wife is his left hand. Lou’s left hand that is. Mark took an instant liking to it when he found that it had fallen off of Lou several years ago and was lying under the podium on the set of Thursday Night College Football. Lou’s left hand joins a growing list of missing objects which have yet to be turned in to ESPN’s lost & found. This includes but is not limited to Chris Berman’s wig, Stuart Scott’s eye, and Pam Ward’s dick.

There you have it. Take it to the bank. But don’t dare blame us when a couple blacked out Escalades show up at your house one night after not paying up.