So tonight we played: “The best Passing Offense in the nation. The Best QB in the Nation. The best WR’s in the Nation. The best ‘young defense’ in the Nation. The best short passing game in the Nation.” and we were “Suspect” for the win.
We here at HTT have something for you: EAT SHIT TENNESSEE FANS!
Guess fucking what? We won. We won. We won.
Somebody tell Derek.
Kenny Rogers is back with his week six college football notables. This edition is brought to you by doppelganger Kenny Rogers who may look almost identical to the old-school doesn’t give two fucks version of Kenny, but this man is a tried and true hard ass and is on par with the psychopathy of Josef Fritzl. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there so onto the picks.
GEORGIA -1.5 OVER TENNESSEE
No homer glasses on with this pick. Tennessee cannot run the ball. Minus 9 yards of rushing against Florida, which is tied with Georgia at #7 nationally in total defense, is not going to take the pressure off of Tyler Bray. If the Georgia offense can shore up some of their mistakes, mainly turnovers and inopportune penalties, then this game is Georgia’s for the taking.
#3 OKLAHOMA -10 OVER #11 TEJAS
Texas has played a few hockey teams as competition so far this year so their numbers and record are quite misleading. Once they take the field against a battle-tested OU team, then shit will hit the fan. Expect Manny Diaz to request a transfer along with Case McCoy after Landry Jones and company get up in dem guts and start putting up some crooked numbers.
KENTUCKY +21 OVER #18 SOUTH CAROLINA
So much offensive ineptitude in this game that only a GIF can sum up what you should expect:
#15 AUBURN +10 OVER #10 ARKANSAS
Both of these teams are coming off of huge victories against ranked teams last week so neither really has a momentum advantage. This one is sure to be a close game that could go either way really. Whichever team is the least gassed on defense in the 4th quarter will likely win this one. Also, Bobby Petrino pees pants.
OHIO STATE +10.5 OVER #14 NEBRASKA
We literally have no idea who is going to start at any offensive position for Ohio State anymore, but that really doesn’t matter because their defense has generally kept them in their games and will be the case again on Saturday night. Nebraska is similar to many other 0- and 1-loss teams around the country in that they’ve inflated their stats by eating lots of sugary cupcakes made by a blue whale of a woman named Nina but then experience a horrifying scene from SAW when they face actual, real competition. We’re not sold on Nebraska anymore this year after yes, just one game.
#2 ALABAMA -29.5 OVER THE LITTLE COMMODORE THAT COULD
This is another one of those games that can be explained with a GIF:
GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK
#1 LSU -10 OVER #17 FLORIDA
Prepare for the human sacrifices of Driskell and company atop the tiger’s eye in the center of the field in Baton Rouge. This is one of those games where you might have thought Florida could prepare and surprise LSU, but even Charlie Weis knows his fresh fish QB’s don’t stand a chance in this one so he has literally been eating non-stop at Golden Corral since brunch this past Monday.
We’d like to formally apologize for the Gambler’s absence last week leaving you betting junkies without any real insight or basic knowledge whatsoever of what was going to happen in the inaugural weekend’s college football games. Kenny was out there dove hunting using a slingshot made out of kitten intestines. He was also being fellated literally the entire time. I guess you could say he was a bit water-logged.
Anyways, cast your eyes upon Kenny’s metaphorical crystal ball where you will gaze in astonishment at otherworldly accurate picks as well as a photograph of Paul Johnson gettin’ it on with the male version of that thing from Splice.
Now, onto Kenny’s picks.
EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?
#8 WISKY BADGERS (-21) OVER OREGON STATE BEEVUHS
Normally we’d call Vegas’ bluff on this much of a spread, but Oregon State dun goofed against FCS powerhouse Sacramento State in their season opener. Beavers RB Malcolm Agnew rushed for a FBS-leading 233 yards and 3 TDs in a losing effort and he could cause some fits for a Wisconsin defense that looked sluggish at times in their opener against UNLV.
#16 MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS (-5.5) OVER AUBURN TIGERS
We feel like this one is a jackpot pick but there is a slim slim slim chance that Auburn could be sneaky good against its SEC brethren this season. Awww who are we kidding? Gus is going to need more than just QB pixie dust this year. This one is going to be a bloodbath to the tune of a plural touchdown victory for MSU.
EAST CAROLINA PIRATES (+17) OVER #11 VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES
Hold up bruh, not falling for this shit again. We’d rather stare at Frank Beamer’s goiter for two days than buy into VT beating by 17 on the road an ECU team that shat upon South Carolina for much of their matchup last week. ECU had problems stopping Lattimore (no shit) and VT RB David Wilson is no Marcus Lattimore. We’d like to give the Hokies the nod here because Beamer actually was quoted as saying, “There’s no question it’s going to be fast and furious,” which is pretty fucking awesome since Vin Diesel and the Rock are our idols but Kenny “Poundin Your Daughter” Rogers is making these picks, not us.
ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS (-8.5) OVER #21 MISSOURI TIGERS
This is definitely not a safe pick by any means since everyone associated with ASU is a mere sliver away from death. The blistering inferno due to a combination of it being Arizona and wearing all black probably doesn’t bode well for anyone not named Satan. I checked the weather and it’s apparently going to be over 2,400 degrees at field level for this one and wearing black is just fucking retarded so ASU gets Kenny’s sympathy pick.
KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like going down on a girl you met at Pink Pony South.
NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (-3) OVER MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
BRIAN KELLY WILL BUTTFUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH IF YOU EVER DROP A PASS LIKE THAT AGAIN IN HIS BEAUTIFULLY OILED OFFENSIVE MACHINE. All signs should point towards Michigan covering in this one with it being the first night game EVER in Ann Arbor as well as having Denard Robinson on their side, but then we remembered that it’s Michigan and Notre Dame of new and not Michigan and Notre Dame of old so this will turn out looking like two sloths playing leapfrog. Rich Rod will be observing the game from one of the Big House’s self-serve nacho condiment stations which he is now a supervis– EXCUSE ME, YES, YOU SIR, TWO SQUIRT LIMIT ON THE QUESO PLEASE. SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT A BUFFET. MAYBE ONE DAY UNICEF WILL GET INTO THE NACHO CONDIMENT INDUSTRY BUT UNTIL THEN PLEASE FOLLOW THE 2-SQUIRT LIMIT PER BAG OF TOSTITOS.
#2 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (-10) OVER #23 PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS
Expect the Tide to roll big over the Nittany Lions and kill Joe Paterno in the process. Wait, nope, he’s still alive and he’s just napping and his bowels just happened to evacuate oh GOD please let there be some wet wipes nearby this one looks like tub girl in real life. Also, rooting against Alabama means you hate America.
GEORGIA BULLDOGS (+3) OVER #12 SAKERLINA GAMECOCKS
Obligatory homer pick. Come at me bro.
#18 FLORIDA GATORS (-23.5) OVER UAB BLAZERS
We expect (with sadness and regret) Florida to actually be very good this season and their talent and coaching staff (on paper) is no match for UAB in this one. Also, Coach BOOM MOTHERFUCKER said he would kill us with a rusty spoon whittled into a prison shank if we said anything negative about his team.
CINCINNATI BEARCATS (+4.5) OVER TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS
Because fuck Tennessee.