drunk sluts

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 12

The 2011 college football season is winding down before our very eyes and Kenny Rogers is still COMIN’ AT YOU BRO with his weekly spread picks. Kenny went a meh 5-4-1 in last week’s picks so you’re probably better off not putting real, actual money on these picks, as it’s about as risky as hooking up with Magic Johnson. It’s slim pickin’s on the good matchups this week and instead we get a shit load of SEC vs. FCS games (LSU vs. Ole Miss included) and other Tom Foolery.

#16 NEBRASKA +3.5 vs. #18 MICHIGAN
This one is basically an elimination game in the Big 10 Legends (lol) Division. Both teams come in with identical 8-2 (4-2) records but trail Michigan State (5-1 B10) for the division lead. This one is a tough pick that truly could go either way since both of these teams are not very consistent on a week-to-week basis. Denard Robinson is playing with a sprained right wrist so Big Red gets the nod. Also, Bo Pelini threatened my family with a toothbrush whittled into a prison shank.

#17 WISCONSIN -14 vs. ILLINOIS
Because Ron Zook doesn’t give a shit anymore, that’s why.

#6 ARKANSAS -13 vs. MISSISSIPPI STATE
Mississippi State has a defense that can give any offense some fits as they’ve held LSU, Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama well below their season averages. On the flip side, their offense couldn’t score even if it managed to bring home a blacked out trainwreck of a whore from The Loft on Clayton Street after force-feeding her a shit ton of vodka Red Bulls.

This might happen again

N.C. STATE +7.5 vs. #7 CLEMSON
The Clemson nose-dive starts this weekend against a shitty NC State team that should lose this one, but is 4-1 in Raleigh. Comments from Clemson players about this game all end up being about the game against South Carolina next week… hmm… looking ahead? The collective pot of luck for Tiger teams is starting to run out (see: Auburn & Missouri).

#21 PENN STATE +6.5 vs. OHIO STATE
Watching the offenses in this game is going to be like watching sloths mate – slow, methodical, and a 50-50 chance of either participant staying awake long enough to finish.

OLE MISS +30 vs. #1 LSU
Congrats Houston Nutt! Your final home game in Oxford is against the #1 team in all the land! Somehow, Coach Giggity is 2-1 against LSU during his Ole Miss tenure but this one should level him out to .500. The only reason LSU doesn’t cover here is because of the looming matchup against#6 Arkansas.

#22 BAYLOR +15 vs. #5 OKLAHOMA
Another case of looking ahead to a huge season-defining game for Oklahoma. OU is 20-0 all time (!) against Baylor so don’t expect Baylor to pull out the upset, but then again don’t count on an OU blowout, either. Landry Jones is still MIA searching for his truck wheels.

USC +14.5 vs. #4 OREGON
USC is one of those sneaky teams that may or may not show up to play, depending on how long Monte has Lane in timeout. The Trojans have the talent, and more importantly, speed, on defense to keep the Oregon offense in check. This one is being called “the Matt Barkley coming out game”. Coming out of what, exactly? The closet? USC will likely need some young receivers to show up big time with Robert Woods questionable status.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -26.5 vs. IOWA STATE
This one is here as an excuse to use the following GIF of Paul Rhoads rocking the fuck out to some Nickelback.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRURFFF ERRRR TIME I LOOK IT MAKES ME LURFFFFF

#14 GEORGIA -30.5 vs. KENTUCKY
Kentucky brings its 118th ranked total LOLffense to Athens in an attempt to gain a single yard against the nation’s #4 total defense of Georgia. Coach Richt has this team completely focused on the Wildcats because Georgia Tech isn’t good enough to warrant looking ahead to. Also, the team knows what happens if they’re caught with their pants down in this game. The Bulldogs will score enough points in the first quarter to win this one and prolong Joker Phillips’ losing streak in road SEC contests. Hop on board, Kentucky! There are no brakes on the RAPE TRAIN.

“The first thing (Sanders) said to me in film (study of Georgia) was ‘Max, throw it fast,’” Maxwell Smith said.