Do you wanna ride in the back seat of my caddy
So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis. Maybe you don’t. Here is an update to refresh your memory.
We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job. What is he good at? Who knows. I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.
We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason. So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect) “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right? I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”. He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’. He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work. He should have known better. You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.
So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)
“Ok may-yan. Here is the deal. We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball. Let’s start with the DEFENSE. Oh yeah! Kickin’ names and takin’ ass! Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks. This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long. Get Ready! But, there is another. Yes, another. Just like in Star Wars. He is also a JJ. Jordan Jenkins that is. He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.
Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok. I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,
Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good. It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason. With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games. But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.
Our running back situation is just like this:
That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile. No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it. Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.
Receivers look good. Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.
Special teams? Are you kidding? After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:
You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.
So we now have a freshman punter and kicker. Ehhh…we should be fine.
There you have it. ”
Well, here we are my friends. Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.
Reporting to you from the future, at exactly 3:43 PM on Saturday November 5, 2011 on site at Sanford Stadium where the scene here was nothing but straight domination. Nick Marshall rushed for 219 yards and 4 scores today as the Dawgs butt-rape the New Mexico St Aggies 64-7.
Marshall’s performance was quite unexpected, yet much appreciated as UGA’s regular tailbacks were suspended for
violating team rules smoking the sticky. While the entire UGA back field has more than 40 yards a piece (Harton 42, Murray 41, and Ogletree 43) it was Marshall with his 6 carry scoring-machine performance that sent the crowd into a very hyped-up impregnating fiesta frenzy.
Fueled by Marshall’s performance, the Dawgs Defense allowed 0 points, 4 interceptions, 10 tackles for a loss, and all of that was from Jarvis Jones alone.
Going forward, Mike Bobo has a tough choice to make in the coming weeks as to who to start. While Crowell has been quite the amazing freshman, Marshall has shown not only his ability to tote the rock, but also an ability not to give stupid as shit interviews, breaking team rules, and bitching about play calling.
Truth be told, much to my chagrin, I doubt Marshall will even get the ball or if he even can be a RB. But, something interesting and quite scary that you all should be thinking about is that Crowell is walking a razor thin line. Don’t mistake what I’m saying to be throwing this kid under the bus, but here are some glaring issues that could be tale-tale signs of a Washaun Ealey on steroids:
1) Has had discipline issues since pretty much day 1
2) Has been overheard chirping about Bobo’s play calling
3) Has made mention several times about how “difficult” school is
4) Can’t interview worth a damn.
5) This latest suspension
I know he’s young and he’s not probably been exposed to the finer things in etiquette, manners, and proper ways of doing things, but he has to realize that if this keeps up and he continues to put himself above the team he will become an Ealey and will be forgotten. Especially if Keith Marshall comes here. Who is Keith Marshall? The Nation’s no1 RB coming out of highschool right now who is heavily considering UGA.
I just hope that Crowell understands what being a student athlete means and what it is to be a Bulldawg. I just hope he learns his lesson sooner rather than later when he has to transfer to UT-Martin.
NOTE: When I say ‘Nick Marshall’, I mean Nick Marshall currently on the Dawgs squad. When I say ‘Keith Marhsall’, I mean Keith Marshall HS RB from Northkerlina.
Just for shits, Keith Marshall highlights:
For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH. He aint the guy. The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham. Look, Richt has done his job. He hired Grantham. I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny. And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.
Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about. And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.
Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…
Again brought to you by none other than the man himself, no 62 In the East Illinois State Fighting June Bugs circa 1968 program and no 1 in your hearts, the savior of brothers in conservative altruism…without further adieu: Mr. Alan Keyes!
Inspector G: So welcome back, Alan…
Keyes: Good to be here, Inspector….good to be here…I tell ya what. This crank Obama. He is seriously using bridges for props now? Shovel Ready? What does that even mean? I know that…
Inspector G: Sir, you do realize this is a Sports site, right?
Keyes: Of course I do. Who do you think I am? Anthony Weiner? Some pale faced fool without the chops?
Inspector G: No sir. Just give me your ‘keyes’ to the game so I can get the hell out of this Chinese Buffet. I find it rather appauling you insisted on meeting here.
Keyes: Look, this Moo Goo Gai Pan is the shiat. Hold on a sec…waiter! (Snaps fingers) Waiter?! (shakes empty glass with ice and a young man of oriental descent approaches). Look here, (while doing some weird hand motions and speaking to the waiter in a typical American assholish manner) Youuu make meee crab rangooonsss? (The waiter simply answers, with no accent, ‘Sure. I’ll be right back.) Hmm..that guy apparently spoke engrish….hahaha.
Anyways Inspector, I’ll get to the point. This Georgia team has been a confusing one to say the least. We have that debacle in the Dome. Then turn around and have a good showing against a very legit South Carolina team. It could’ve been great but we couldn’t take care of the ball. I honestly see a lot of promise in this team. I wont go on record to say they will be world beaters by the end of the season, but they might. This game really shouldn’t tell us too much overall (unless they lose). I’m kinda expecting a blowout, actually.
Here’s how they’ll do it: A very balanced attack on offense. I know that is kind of cliche when speaking of the offense lately, but I really feel that this will be one of those game where we will have 240 passing yards 200 rushing yards and score 42-48 points. I see Crowell getting the call for the corner several times early and if we can just slow down their OLB’s he should be off to the races. I can also see Murray letting it rip. He’s been above average this year, but not stellar. I think this game is primed for him to become that QB we all wanted to see.
Look, Ole Miss Rebel Hottie Bear Admiral Ackbars took one in the mouth last week against Vandy. They may be playing for the Nuttsters job, but whose to say the underclassmen even want him there anymore. He’s like Les Miles Lite: All the calories, half the flavor. I think this team is fragile and on the brink. This is quite an advantage for the dawgs in my opinion and I think they are just the team to push them off the ledge.
For the defense I anticipate another above average game. Maybe a turnover mid-way through, but I don’t see the defense pick 6-ing like Vandy did. Why you ask? Because poor QB play for the opposing team doesn’t seem to ever be the norm for UGA since Reggie Ball left Tech. I see very strong showings on third downs, as has been the case all year. But where I’m prediciting something new is in the sack department. This Quarterback Ole Miss has is
screwed up mind fucked after last weeks debacle. After throwing so many picks last week, he will be uber prone to hold hold hold onto the ball versus throwing it into the grasp of our safeties. I predict 6 sacks for the game a la a corner blitz, jones blitz, and John Jenkins bone crusher bullrush.
So there ya go.
Inspector G: Well, thanks Alan. That was great. Appreciate you taking the…
Keyes: Now for something super special: my talking points for meet the press tonight…
Inspector G: OK, cut.
By now you know: Brett “Fantastic Phallice” Farve texts his dick to women….hell, who doesn’t?
Welcome to Week 6:
You know who to start, so I’m not going to go over anything you wouldn’t do…just more in depth.
QB’s With Weak Knees: “Halt, who goes there?, Why, it doth be Aaron Rodgers.” Take caution, I say. I have to make this decision myself, so (believe it or not) I picked up Joe Flacco. I know, I know. I have threw him under the bus so much, but he is projected high, plays a weak secondary and he is due. If not Flacco, then choose Matt Cassel. He is also due and plays a weak secondary.
Drew Brees, he’ll be fine, start him.
Big Ben…welcome back from “raping wet slits” from mine and Captain’s Alma Mater. Did she taste like Vegas but sweeter?…Start him.
Ride the Pine: D. Mcnabb, Kevin Kolb, Shaun Hill. If you have to ask, you don’t wanna know.
RB’s To Please: Jamal Charles, oh man, I am so glad I picked him up. He is the Chiefs best weapon and against a run susceptible defense, he might have a field day.
Michael Bush, I picked him up, destroyed my opponent. Even if Mcfadden plays, it will not be much. Look for Bush BIG.
Ryan Torain: If you were a Pierre Thomas or Thomas Jones or Clinton Protis Owner and did not pick him up, you dumb. He may not be great, but he will be better in RB 2 then someone named above or Ryan Matthews or Shonn Greene. Start him.
Ride the Pine: J. Best (no Calvin, or presumably no Calvin, monitor this one), Anyone as a Saints RB not named Bush or Thomas, Ronnie Brown…really?
WR’s to Card: Brandon Lloyd, I am starting him. I have regretted it for 2 weeks in a row and now let’s see if I regret it this week. At least it will definitively show if he is for real or not. Jacoby Jones, let’s see if the waiver wires were correct. Mark Thomas (Jax)…who? The Jax best and most targeted receiver.
Maybe’s: Deion Branch…its a gut feeling, but you have to feel it, i don’t.
TE Streaks: Only this: PICK UP A HERNANDEZ…Moss grows fast on a rolling stone, but he is not in NE no more. Especially if you lost J. Finley.
Week 6 is tough, it is gut check time. Start your starters, research the rest, take a gamble.
Ladies and gents, kids and adolescents: Welcome to the Inspector’s Week 5 fantasy Combo Breaker.
Was I right last week? On everything except John Kuhn (except the Pack just really didn’t run the ball, but he still had a good YPC) R. Mendenhall (but did you think I was serious?), and Matt Ryan, but the birds still one so I was happy.
Must starts: P. Manning, D. Brees, A. Rodgers, P. Rivers, M. Schaub
Bye-Week-Busters: Caution: These are risky, but could help you with potential big games on your QB’s bye week… E. Manning, M. Ryan, K. Orton.
Ride the Pine: J. Flacco…I’m still not buying it. Kevin Kolb…really? Why don’t you like DeSean Jackson? So until you throw it to him, I will keep you here.
Must Starts: F. Gore, P. Hillis (surprising, but he is getting it done on that crappy team, what makes you think he would stop?), A. Foster, M. Jones-Drew, A. Peterson.
Borderline: C. johnson…well, he won’t do what he did last year, but still could have a monster game. M. Forte…with Cutler out, look for more rushing, but no promises here. S. Jackson…is his groin hurt or not? who knows. P. Thomas…another injury doubting Thomas, but if he can play I project at least 11.
Pick Him Up: R. Torain (WSH)…with Portis out, look for Torain to take the bulk of the load and honestly he is explosive, elusive, and if given any space, he may surprise you. And for what it’s worth, I’m starting him on this bye-week. L. Blount…no sucker punches here, unless you mean the goaline…with the Head Coach in Tampa wanting him to get more carries (especially on the goalline) he might eak out 10 or so. But success here will result in more carries. Muy Bueno.
Ride the Pine: Brandon Jackson…the most disappointing no 2 besides….Shonn Greene…awful. Chris Ivory…he bad.
Must Starts: D. Jackson, R. Wayne, R. White, C. Johnson (welcome back, kid), H. Nicks, A. Boldin, G. Jennings
Borderline: J Maclin, M. Colston, L. Moore (look, don’t put much stock into him now that he has been targeted so much for 2 straight weeks), S. Moss…wow, way to go D. Mcnabb. D. Driver…in the flex, good for 9-10 a game.
Pick Him Up: Brandon LLoyd, if you haven’t already. M. Thomas (JAX)…since Mike Sims-Walker is such a no count bum, this is Jax’s no 1 WR right now and if Gar-tard can get it to him, look for decent numbers.
Ride the Pine: Mike Sims-Walker (what is it wiht Jax and hyphenated names?). L. Evans…really Buffalo, really? P. Garcon…Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Must starts: Antonio Gates, Tony Gonzalez, Jermichael Finley, Dallas Clark, Dustin Keller.
Borderline: Z. Miller, G. Olsen, B. Celek. Are their teams good enough to get them the ball enough to make an impact? Maybe, Maybe not….
Ride the Pine: J. Shockey, V. Shiancoe, T. Heap.
Good luck and God’s Spead,
Big Pay league: 2-2 (but lost both by a combined 6 opts)
Small Pay League: 2-2 (I’m receiver heavy and Shonn Greene is killing me)
Welcome to week 4 of the Fantasy Football…week 3 showed us a couple of things: Cutler is lucky, Eli Manning is either hit big or miss even bigger…
Without further adieu:
Start ’em: P. Manning, A. Rodgers, M. Schaub, D. Brees, P. Rivers, T. Brady
Borderline: M. Vick (I know, but he’s played 2 cupcakes…), D. Mcnabb, M. Ryan
Ride the Pine: J. Flacco….and keep him there. If you have this guy as your starting QB 1 option, you are as convoluted as Obama’s reasoning skills. This goes for Shaun Hill too, who refuses to throw it to Calvin Johnson, which makes me very angry.
Start ’em: C. Benson, C. Johnson, M. Jones-Drew, M. Turner
Borderline: M. Forte…for whatever reason, they don’t want to run the ball there, but he is still lethal out of the backfield as a passing option so there is upside.
R. Mendenhall…maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s his play making abilities but I see a sub-par performance this week to which I have nothing more than a gut feeling and 3 trips to the men’s room as my “hunch”.
Ride the Pine: S. Greene…what a bust. Yes, he is on my roster…no, no one wants to trade, not even for Lee evans.
Pick him up: J Forsett…he looks to become the Seahawks emerging RB and since they play St Louis, maybe there is a monster day for him.
J. Kuhn…Yep, the Packers have a white, full-back type who just might get every goal line carry on Saturday. Enough said.
Start ’em: B. Marshall, D. Jackson, A. Johnson, R. White, R. Wayne, R. Moss, L. Fitzgerald / A. Gates, D. Clark, T. Gonzalez.
Borderline: H. Nicks…probably the best deep threat the Giants have continues to be wasted by Eli ‘I Couldn’t throw a Prom’ Manning. Who knows, but I am starting him because at some point, Eli has to hit him in stride…right?
Calvin Johnson…start at your own risk. Watch me say this and not start him and Shaun Hill finally gets the point: that this kid is a beast. You can Bet Matthew Stafford knows this…Matt’s so dreamy…
Ride The Pine: Steve Smith (Car)…they bad. Real Bad. Really bad. Really really bad. Lovin’ me some Jimmy Jimmy Clausen right now…
Pick Him Up: Some folks call me crazy, some folks call me Inspector G, either way Brandon Lloyd of Denver continues to impress. He had a monster game last week (and unlike Lance Moore of the Saints) and the Broncs aren’t exactly loaded at WR. Rumor has it that him and Orton share more than just fishing rods and footballs…but, it is just a rumor.
Inspector G’s Results for His Own Fantasy Leagues
1) BIG PAY League 2-1 (tied for first)
2) El Pequeno Dinero League 1-2 (Thanks Matt Forte) but on an 11ty billion way tie for 2nd.
3) No pay, no pay attention to league, although I have good players 0-3…time for some work…
Good luck, God’s Speed, Go Meat!