Burst Sausage: UK’s worst feature
So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis. Maybe you don’t. Here is an update to refresh your memory.
We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job. What is he good at? Who knows. I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.
We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason. So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect) “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right? I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”. He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’. He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work. He should have known better. You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.
So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)
“Ok may-yan. Here is the deal. We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball. Let’s start with the DEFENSE. Oh yeah! Kickin’ names and takin’ ass! Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks. This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long. Get Ready! But, there is another. Yes, another. Just like in Star Wars. He is also a JJ. Jordan Jenkins that is. He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.
Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok. I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,
Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good. It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason. With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games. But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.
Our running back situation is just like this:
That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile. No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it. Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.
Receivers look good. Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.
Special teams? Are you kidding? After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:
You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.
So we now have a freshman punter and kicker. Ehhh…we should be fine.
There you have it. ”
Well, here we are my friends. Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.
Reporting to you from the future, at exactly 3:43 PM on Saturday November 5, 2011 on site at Sanford Stadium where the scene here was nothing but straight domination. Nick Marshall rushed for 219 yards and 4 scores today as the Dawgs butt-rape the New Mexico St Aggies 64-7.
Marshall’s performance was quite unexpected, yet much appreciated as UGA’s regular tailbacks were suspended for
violating team rules smoking the sticky. While the entire UGA back field has more than 40 yards a piece (Harton 42, Murray 41, and Ogletree 43) it was Marshall with his 6 carry scoring-machine performance that sent the crowd into a very hyped-up impregnating fiesta frenzy.
Fueled by Marshall’s performance, the Dawgs Defense allowed 0 points, 4 interceptions, 10 tackles for a loss, and all of that was from Jarvis Jones alone.
Going forward, Mike Bobo has a tough choice to make in the coming weeks as to who to start. While Crowell has been quite the amazing freshman, Marshall has shown not only his ability to tote the rock, but also an ability not to give stupid as shit interviews, breaking team rules, and bitching about play calling.
Truth be told, much to my chagrin, I doubt Marshall will even get the ball or if he even can be a RB. But, something interesting and quite scary that you all should be thinking about is that Crowell is walking a razor thin line. Don’t mistake what I’m saying to be throwing this kid under the bus, but here are some glaring issues that could be tale-tale signs of a Washaun Ealey on steroids:
1) Has had discipline issues since pretty much day 1
2) Has been overheard chirping about Bobo’s play calling
3) Has made mention several times about how “difficult” school is
4) Can’t interview worth a damn.
5) This latest suspension
I know he’s young and he’s not probably been exposed to the finer things in etiquette, manners, and proper ways of doing things, but he has to realize that if this keeps up and he continues to put himself above the team he will become an Ealey and will be forgotten. Especially if Keith Marshall comes here. Who is Keith Marshall? The Nation’s no1 RB coming out of highschool right now who is heavily considering UGA.
I just hope that Crowell understands what being a student athlete means and what it is to be a Bulldawg. I just hope he learns his lesson sooner rather than later when he has to transfer to UT-Martin.
NOTE: When I say ‘Nick Marshall’, I mean Nick Marshall currently on the Dawgs squad. When I say ‘Keith Marhsall’, I mean Keith Marshall HS RB from Northkerlina.
Just for shits, Keith Marshall highlights:
For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH. He aint the guy. The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham. Look, Richt has done his job. He hired Grantham. I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny. And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.
Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about. And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.
Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…
About 4 Years ago, Captain introduced me to the Georgia Sports Blog. At the time, Paul Westerdawg and Company provided the wittiest and honest UGA sports blogging around. I mean these guys were on point. But, just like us here at Hailtothee, they have real lives (and apparently REAL wives, too) and their frequency of posts and content slipped. But, it lookes like they’re back in action with this latest one.
Sit back and relax: THIS is pure gold!
Ok, are we over this Boise loss yet? I hope so. I was over Sunday after the first shot rang out of my 11-87 Sportsman and found its mark on an unsuspecting Dove. But let’s be honest, if you think Boise St was a ‘fake’ team and we should’ve just rolled all over them, you should go play in traffic.
Our defense seems much improved from last year. Even though they gave up 35 points, it wasn’t like Moore was just letting it fly and connecting on 30-40 yard passes. In fact, I didn’t see in the stats where he made a completion over 20 yards. We looked much more physical and under control. They nickled and dimed us to death and our Offense couldn’t amount much of anything so our defense seemed to be on the field with short field to their back most of the night.
Malcome Mitchell. Remember that name. He broke on that seam route and Boise’s safety looked like he was mucking around in swamp boots. He also was targeted a couple of more times (and he WAS wide open the, too) but Murray sailed those passes.
Drew Butler and the punt team. He averaged 48 yards on the night. If it wasn’t for Butler and this unit, we get blown out of the stadium.
Crowell. He had some of the greatest 3 yard runs in UGA history on Saturday night. If we can get back to non predicatble play-calling and run more out of the I, it will bode well for him.
Jarvis Jones. He was ALL OVER the place. He is amazing and looks like he has a bright future in at that OLB spot.
Murray. Although I hate to put him here, his game play wasn’t stellar. Although the multiple dropped passes didn’t help and neither did the play calling, and neither did the protection…I would really want to label this as ‘ok’ but I just can’t.
Offensive Line. If Bean Anderson jumps offsides one more time, they should soap blanket bludgeon him. Uncalled for and ridiculous. Also, it didn’t look like Friend made too many adjustments to stop no 92’s backside rampage that cost us 2 sacks and a 4th and 1.
Play calling. I get why everyone is so mad. I was too. You can ask Captain and this random guy that sat in front of us I called the first 6 plays we ran (even the Boykin end around, which was blocked BEAUTIFULLY I might add). If some ex-football and mildly inebriated fan in section 310 can call the first 6 plays, then I’m sure it was a gift-wrapped present for Boise’s D Coordinator. I’m not gonna second guess Bobo for the entire season based on one game, but it was abysmal. I’ll never understand why we didn’t use our 250 lb fullback to block in the I, or how Boise gave us the seam all night yet we only threw a pass for that once (which resulted in a Malcome Mitchell TD), or how we never ran a crossing pattern over the middle even though their DB’s bailed every time they saw pass. It’s unnerving and pathetic.
Dawgs Fans. I swear, I love our fan base but sometimes we take it to extremes. I mean some of the stuff I saw on Facebook and Twitter were inexcusable. Fire Richt! Fire Bobo! Fire Grantham! Fire Murray! Revoke Crowell’s Scholarship! Eat shit UGA, I’ll never go to another game again. That kind of whale squeeze doesn’t belong in our fan base. Go take your Stafford jersey, backwards G hat, earrings, gold chains, and your meth and go sit on a buzz saw. You don’t deserve Georgia games. As the season goes on and we don’t make any progress, then yes. I agree a change should be coming, but remember these kids can read what you post. Their psyche is fragile enough.
Look, we played a legit top 3 team who was well coached, well disciplined, seasoned, and resourceful. We on the other hand are a young inexperienced, and largely green team who is searching for an identity. Boise St is a great team. We played them somewhat close and even with our mistakes and miscues were still in the game at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Not great, but something is to be said for having a chance against that team. Let us not forget South Carolina had to make one hell of a comeback against a vastly weaker team in ECU. I like our chances on Saturday, as long as we come to play.
I never want to wear anything but our standard home or away jersey’s EVER. You could not even see what numbers we were wearing and I want the names on the back of the jersey. Nike flubbed on these and should be punished.
The Dome at the beginning of the game was the loudest sporting even I’ve ever heard. I’ve never been in a more exciting atmosphere for a game.
“Hello, I clicked on your website and thought it was pretty cool. You need to update more. But I take it you are the same Inspector G that trolls the AJC blogs about Matthew Stafford and Amicis in Athens? I ask because I think they are pretty f$%&ing stupid yet pretty funny. Is Amici’s good? I’ve always wanted to try it. -Nick the Accountant”
That is a real message that I got in my private message box in twitter (@REALInspectorG). I messaged him back and told him I would post on this site for the answer. So I guess if you read this Nick, between your W2’s and green visors, now you know.
How about the rest of you? Surprised? Shocked? Have no idea what the hell I’m talking about? Do me a favor: go to google type in ‘inspector G ajc’ and read the blog thread trolling that I’ve been doing. I think you’ll like them. For example (27th comment from the top, sometimes you’ve gotta search a little) the title of the Op-Ed is “Weiner to quit; Dems seek new excuse to ignore debt crisis”:
Matthew Stafford once met Rep. Weiner. That’s right, Matt had just been drafted by Detroit and went to New York with a lady friend of his to celebrate. Rep. Weiner recognized him on the street, came over and struck up a conversation. Matt, being the gentleman and international man of leisure he is, spoke with Rep. Weiner in a most accommodating manner. They discussed everything from football to politics. As the conversation went on, Matt noticed that Rep. Weiner kept looking at his lady friend with ‘meat-gazer’ style eyes and then asked her if she was on Twitter. Matt knew then that this Twittgergate would all go down, warned the congressman, but the warning fell on deaf ears. Matt is reported to have said, ‘If you keep staring at my lady friend, I’m gonna sock you one in the mouth.” It is also rumored that before he decided to resign, the good congressman called Matt (who was in Athens) for advice. Matt flew him down to Athens, where their conversation took place at Amici, in which the congressman was so overwhelmed by how delicious the buffalo chicken garcheemar was and by how many new lady friends Matt lined up for him, he wasn’t so much worried about this scandal as he was wiping that scrumptious garcheemar off of his face. He subsequently follows Matt on twitter at MattStafford9…he now addresses him as Mr. Stafford.
So go view my offseason work and enjoy yourself.
PS- I’m watching the UK v WKU game and Kentucky looks like shit. 4th quarter and it’s a punter’s wet dream. Uk leading 7-3.
Oh and Nick, Amici’s is f-ing delicious. Order either the buffalo chicken garcheemar (fried chicken, dipped in buffalo sauce, on top of a Italian bread with melted cheese, and Italian herbs)…get the honey hot with blue cheese. Also, their wings are the best wings this side of Louisiana. Try the honey 2X extra crispy. Awesome place owned by awesome folks.
Seriously…this has got to stop. I don’t know what in the hell is happening in the development of these dawgs, but they look weak and out of shape all the time. They need a new strength and conditioning coach. Seiler is now officially off of the bun warmer and onto the hotseat. One more season like this and he’s gone. If he doesn’t make the right off-season moves, all of the scorn of the fans will be upon him.
Seiler is now on the recruiting trail, evaluating several prospects who look good out of Savannah and Macon. We shall see.
If you have never seen or heard this and always wonder why I refer to Urban Meyer as “Corch Meyers” or Percy Harvin as “Percy Harvey”, then now you will know…
Told you we were pulling out all of the stops. I like to sit back with about 4 fingers of Knobb Creek and just listen to this rumbling yet entertaining diatribe. For our reader’s convenience, I have placed one without subtitles and one with. If you have never sen this, watch the non subtitle one first (the one on top…easy Burrow):
I don’t know what’s worse: her being that stupid or her being that stupid on our taxpayer dime. Jacksonville, you should be embarrassed for yourself. How can you elect this woman? Her and Hank Johnson should go off to Guam and maybe it will capsize.
Tons to talk about, mostly negative. I’ve had to give myself a couple of days to think about what I wanted to say and analyze without burnin’ this mother down getting upset. So please excuse my lack of posting.
No words can take the sting away, but maybe some common sense punditry will reduce the duration…
Check back soon…like tomorrow.
-Inspector G (ok, so I went overboard with the tags, but read them, they’re funny….)