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Summer Lovin’: Hailtothee.com’s Speed Coach Turns Activist…and Other UGA Preseason Developments…

Now, That’s A Spicy Chicken Biscuit: Hailtothee’s own Nicholas Davis and Scooter in a sweet moment of mayonnaise and pickle bliss!

 

So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis.  Maybe you don’t.  Here is an update to refresh your memory.

We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job.  What is he good at?  Who knows.  I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.

We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason.  So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect)  “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right?  I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”.  He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’.  He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work.  He should have known better.  You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.

So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)

“Ok may-yan.  Here is the deal.  We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball.  Let’s start with the DEFENSE.  Oh yeah!  Kickin’ names and takin’ ass!  Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks.  This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long.  Get Ready!  But, there is another.  Yes, another.  Just like in Star Wars.  He is also a JJ.  Jordan Jenkins that is.  He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.

Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok.  I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,

Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good.  It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason.  With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games.  But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.

Our running back situation is just like this:

That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile.  No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it.  Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.

Receivers look good.  Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.

Special teams?  Are you kidding?  After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:

You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.

So we now have a freshman punter and kicker.  Ehhh…we should be fine.

There you have it. ”

Well, here we are my friends.  Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.

-Inspector G

 

Nicholas Davis Game of The Century Breakdown

Nicholas Davis, Homo, Out of Work Speed Trainer

 

This game of the century brief breakdown is brought to you by “Davis Speed Training: Two Hours A Day, 2 Days A Week, and You Can Be a 2 Pump Chump Too!!”.

Here is the breakdown Nicholas sent me:

“So we all know that LSU and Bama are gearing up for a 1 vs 2 battle of the ages.  Oh really?  Well in my opinion the Wisconsin Badgers and Russel Wilson would butt-rape them harder than a 6′-4” Bear on an unsuspecting twink.  Let’s be honst…these teams are a direct result of a weak schedule and NOT because of their aptitude on offense, stellar coaching, supreme baby-eating talent, defense fortitude, or beast mode capabilities.  No.  These teams are just ranked that way because they are in the SEC.

Now, you see man, I went to UGA.  But I always bet against them.  I would argue with the Inspector all the time about how shitty Richt is or how bad David Green was.  The only 3 players in UGA history I ever liked were DJ Shockley, Knowshon Moreno, and Joe T III.  I’m a college football realist.  And that’s why I love Wisconsin.

But, back to the breakdown.  If I had to guess, I would say LSU wins this game, man.  They are battle hardened.  The quality of opponents they have played this year is much better than Alabama.  In fact let me make this easy for you in a chart breakdown:

LSU                                              BAMA

QB’s                                       X

RB                                                                                                  X

WR’s                                     X

DEF                                   PUSH                                             PUSH

COACHING                                                                                X

INTANGIBLES                 X

TEAM                                  X

 

So in other words, LSU is more battle tested and has the better overall offense.  I look for LSU to get a couple of scores early and let their defense try to contain Richardson.  The true battle for the game, however will be the battle between Bama’s O-Line and LSU’s D-Line.  If they can’t keep the LSU bigguns off of Mccarron, it is gonna be a long night Bama fans.

Score: 24-10 LSU.   Or better yet, I’ll post a picture that will graphically represent my thoughts on this game:

Growing Up in Alabama, I've Had Access to a Plethora of Chinese Buffets

 

So there……man.”

-Inspector G

 

‘Keyes’ To The Game: Big Sucking Orange Edition

“…Voice mail recording.  1 New Message…New Message from: ‘BIIIG DADDDY KEYES, BITCH!’ …30 seconds…’Inspector, it’s me Alan.  Alan Keyes…ha!  I’m drunk at a Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas!  I’m gonna be late for our interview tomorrow, but meet me at the Gymboree in Roswell Thursday at 9!  Oh and Inspector, inspect this (farts into the phone)!….end of messages.”

Cornelius Washington, We Are Brothers in Strife!

 

Inspector G: “Honestly I can’t seem to figure out why we meet in these places.  I feel uncomfortable here especially.  Gymboree?  You’re an odd man. AND you were drunk last night.”

Keyes: “Yes, I was.  I wanna give a huge shout out to Belinda Dobbs and the whole crew at Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas for setting me up nicely and not calling the cops when I puked in the salad bar.  But, moving on…

The dawgs have a tough test this week.  So many variables.  So many possible pitfalls.  Yet so much opportunity to have their first beat-down of a team all year.  Yep, you heard me right.  If some cards fall early for the dawgs and they control the turnovers on offense, I think they are poised for a rout of the Tennessee Volunteers Road-side workers.

Let’s start with the offense.  This group has not been stellar, but has been efficient.  Lately, points have come early yet efficiently.  I know everyone is worried about Murray and the turnovers, but he still is 17th nationally in passer efficiency and is on pace to throw more touchdowns than last year.  I know the turnovers hurt, but all you can really do is trust one of the best QB’s in the Nation to lead the offense down the field.  Also, it is just a matter of time until Crowell starts breaking them off:  30+ yards TD runs.  He was super close last week and honestly, with that much talent and the amount of carries he has been getting, you shouldn’t be surprised.  UGA’s offense is much better than UT’s defense.  Scores SHOULD come often.

Defense, well, here is the biggest key lies.  Yes, they have been playing lights out the past tow weeks, but the threat level midnight of this UT offense is much greater with Bray and Da’Rick than what the dawgs have faced since Boise.  With that being said, the defense has been tested and has so far come away much improved, disciplined, and more solid from last year.  Grantham has been getting pressure without having to dial-up exotic blitzes which has left our secondary to really cover without being undermanned. Washington being out does hurt.  But hey, when a door closes….welcome to the show, Ray Drew.  I really can’t say enough about the improved secondary play and I’m really interested to see how Commings, Boykin, Rambo, Smith, and Williams do against Tennessee’s all-world mildly overrated receiving corps.  If they can cover well, get a couple of early picks, count this game up to a circa 2005 style beat-down.  If not, I hope the offense can play enough mistake-free ball to put it away.

Special Teams:  Yeah, Walsh (again) still seems to have the shanks, but I’ll bet he might have received some tips from ol’ Kevin Butler.  Let’s see if he can pull out of it.  Speaking of Kevin, his son continues to punt with great effectiveness and it will be called upon again this game to continue.  One more thing: Boykin is due.  He has been several shoe string tackles away from breaking several.  Here’s to the hope that they kick it to him.

Ok, now it’s time to go play in the ball pit!”

Inspector G: “Well at least I didn’t have to remind you about what this interview was about this time.”

Keyes: “Ok, who farted? Was it you?”

*Note:   My one wish in the game (besides a victory) is to see Da’rick Rogers come over on a crossing route, catch it, be devastatingly hit by Rambo to which the ball comes loose, and Sanders Commings picking it into that checked bullshit end-zone.

-Inspector G

Burrow Brackett’s Crystal Ball…

 

NOT WORK SAFE!!!!

Gentlemen, adolescent boys, guys, mens, bears, power bottoms, and UGA lovin’ twinks:

Here is your Burrow Brackett Crystal ball.  Yours truly will be transcribing this report, verbatim, from Mr. Brackett so remember: these are his words and not mine.  Sorry for the alternative lifestyle opening, but Burrow advised that was the only way we could keep him on as a contributor (that and Captain owes him a slush puppy).

(Imagine your inner voice as a homosexual toddler pageant coordinator from Dothan, AL and it will be much funnier.) 

“Heyy ya’ll!!!!  It’s me, Burrow!  Here for my season ending balls…I mean season ending crystal ball.  Fore-casted for you, the fans!  Because that’s what dudes do, and I’m kind of a dude and like dudes, so there.

Ok, Inspector G  gave me these questions to answer and I took them home looked into my challenge XL 3000 butt plug, I ah-hem, I mean crystal ball and came up with these answers.

1) Will Mark Richt be back at UGA next year?   A: Well I sure hope so!  He is a dream boat and looks like he is could be the Kenny to my Loggins (I just love him!).  But seriously, yes.  I do believe not only will Richt be back, but he will not be lured to any other school, Miami, Colorado, etc.  He has won nearly 100 games in 10 years, he deserves another year to try to get everything back under control.  I feel that Richt really does a good job, but waited 1 year too late to pull the trigger on replacing his defensive staff.  Next year will see if these major changes paid any dividends.

2) What about Bobo?  A: What about Smooches that male prostitute on Spring and 14th? They both are increasingly adept at what they do and they both will be back next year in their respective professions.  Bobo is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the Salami: he hits big, but then abandons what has been working to run some sort of inside RB screen or some off-tackle fail running play, mostly just for the sake of mixing it up and running it.  I agree, you have to have some variety in play calling, but especially this year when your defense was unlikely to bail you out, you have to get your hand on the starter and your foot on the gas.  I just hope that Bobo breaks this down, realizes that about himself and commits it to memory.  But, I cannot argue that his pro-style philosophy works.  We have scored tons of points this year.

3) What is our biggest weakness that needs to be fixed in the offseason?  A: Easy, 2.  First, we need to get a rock hard, rock toting monster from Carver-Columbus: Isaiah Crowell.  And then we also need to get a baby-gobbler 6’2″ 350 pound JUCO stud nose guard to make Grantham’s scheme work.   No 2, replace or current strength and conditioning coordinator, which I heard was done today.  Scrap our program we are using, get with the times, and get the kids so far into shape that they can run wind sprints in a hurricane without getting tired.

4) Thoughts on the Chic-Fi-La Kickoff next year against Boise St?  A: MMMMMM…MMMMM….MMMMM Kellen Moore, he really has some cute teeth, huh?  I like the match-up, the atmosphere will be electric.  I heard that the Inspector is selling his first born to buy tickets to that..haha.  This could actually either be the best thing for UGA’s football team next year or the worst.  Keeping VA Tech in mind, a UGA loss here would be everything short of devastating to start the season.  However, if we win, it will put those no-talent ass-clowns in their place, get UGA national press coverage, and set a mighty strong tone for the season.

5) Give me a new breakout player on offense in 2011… A: Umm, first off, silly-goose, that is not a question, but my crystal ball says (not assuming Crowell is in the line-up) Marlon Brown.  Hyped up, hyped down, whatever.  I’m ready for him to prove it, next year he is a junior and either he has it or not.  we shall see.  I also like Wooten.  Woot is explosive and now that Green will be gone, I see him demanding touches by his play-making ability, alone.

5) Same response, but for defense…  A: I’m not a big fan of church, but I am a big fan of Christian Robinson.  That play he made against UF when he went through that blocker alone was enough.  But look for UGA to have the best, most athletic inside backers in the league next year.  Jarvis Jones and Richard Samuel.  Unleash the dragons.  (I REALLY WANNA SEE 2 DRAGONS!!!).

6) Ok some quick hitters….several….go!!!

– Do you think UGA should have a throwback day next year with white pants, red jerseys and silver helmets?  Yes, it would look good, kinda like The ohio state, but it would be cool.

-How about black out in the dome to start off ther season?  Nope, let us wear our norms.  No gimmicks needed.

-Joe T II to s and c director, good move?   Yes.  The ex-players really seem to like the move, that’s all we can judge by now until next season.

-Sexiest woman on the planet?  Keith Evra.

-Whoopi Goldberg, Hillary Clinton, and Rosie Odonnell.  You got to marry one, kill one, fuck one. Go!   A: Umm…nervous….Mary Clinton, kill rosie, fuck Whoopi.

-Biggest disappointment on the season?  being 6-6 while raping the turnover margin and increasing our offensive ppg buy over 11 per game.

-Biggest surprise? Aaron Murray…LIGHTS OUT.

-Who would you rather nail?  Chad Scott or Stephen Scott?  I exclude myself from this, since I’ve done them both.”

-Inspector G

The Zooker Was a Nice Guy…

Let’s look at some numbers and seech:

From Boys of Old Florida Blog:

Coaching staff 2006 Florida Gators

• Urban Meyer – Head Coach
• Steve Addazio – Tackles/Tight Ends
• Stan Drayton – Running Backs
• Billy Gonzales – Wide Receivers
• Chuck Heater – Recruiting Coordinator/Cornerbacks
• John Hevesy – Centers/Guards
• John “Doc” Holliday – Associate Head Coach/Safeties
• Greg Mattison – Co-Defensive Coordinator/Defensive Line
• Dan Mullen – Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks
• Charlie Strong – Assistant Head Coach/Co-Defensive Coordinator/Linebackers

Three of those men are now head coaches in their own right, with Strong at Louisville, Mullen at Mississippi State and Holliday at Marshall. Gonzales is at LSU, and Mattison with the Baltimore Ravens. Hevesy went with Mullen to MSU.

That leaves Addazio, Drayton and Heater from a staff that won the BCS title only a couple of years ago. Only 3 of the 9 assistants remain.

The coaching core of the Florida 2006 and 2008 BCS Champions weren’t constructed by Meyer when he came to Florida in 2005 – it was formed at Bowling Green in 2001. Mullen, Gonzalez and Hevesy all followed Meyer from Bowling Green to Utah, and then to Florida. Meyer and Mullen were together even before that at Notre Dame, with Meyer as the special teams coach and Mullen a graduate assistant. The two traveled the country learning the foundations of what would become the spread option from names like Scott Linehan and Joe Tiller. Then at Bowling Green, and later Utah, the two perfected what would later be so successful at Florida.

In other words, its as much Mullen’s offense as Meyer’s and perhaps, because Mullen did the play calling, even more so.

Further, don’t underestimate the loss of Charlie Strong. The Gators won the BCS titles in 2006 and 2008 as much on defense as offense.

All that coaching talent – gone. What remains is Meyer and the coaches that, for whatever reason, haven’t been seen fit to be hired away by other programs. The coaching heart (Strong) and soul (Mullen) of the championship teams are gone.

It happens everywhere, whether at FSU in the ‘90s or USC in the early part of the century. The best assistants leave, leaving the rest. Programs decline.

So what I’d like to see this weekend is some sign IT isn’t over. That doesn’t necessarily mean a win, it means the ability to fight when you are down. It means that spark, that passion that seems to be missing. It wasn’t too long ago opposing fans were taunting us when Meyer cried after a loss. Well, Urban “Crier” has a couple of little crystal trophies that your less emotional coaches don’t.

I want that guy back.

Because if it’s over, let’s get on with what’s next.”

Yeah, and D coordinators don’t make a difference?  Which brings me to our guy, Grantham.  Who week 2 of being here said this, “If you want to kick Florida’s ass, you better start working now!”.  Do you think he takes this seriously?

Back and forth I have tried to think about how far us and UF have fallen.  We have done a gradual tail off since 2007, fired a bunch of D coaches and some O realignments are almost surely to come this year.   UF has lost almost all every damn on of their top assistants to head coaching.  Not only that, look at how well they are doing.  If we win this weekend, I finally think we all can say that winning a MNC is not about having Tebow and Percy Harvey, but also about having an assload of talent in the press box, too.

-Thanks BG

Look for Meyers, unlike Richt, to cowardly blame everything except his coaching style and bolt for retirement or the NFL next year.  Good riddance.

-Inspector G

IT’S FLORIDA WEEK!!!!!!!

This is the biggest game of the year and honestly, it really wasn’t 2 weeks ago.  That’s why we here at HTT are pulling out all the stops and posting not only informative and insightful material, but material that will hopefully make you make fun of, guffaw at, and hate hate hate on all things gator.

First things first;  for yet another year, I cannot attend the game.  I have to work this weekend. Foxtrot Mike Lima.

Next, I will warn all of you ladies and/or female significant others out there to stay away from this guy:

"Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus" AKA: Avg UF Fan

Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus is found in and around trailer parks, central florida dive bars, and anywhere Pall Malls are sold.  These  idiots crazy assholes run around, all nimbly bimbly like, meth’d out and want to talk about anything UF football, which normally revolves around how good Tebow is, why screwing Tebow is not gay, and why Tebow should start every NFL game.

Also these idiots crazy assholes like UGA girls.  Normally a pick up line would start like this: “Hey baby, you ever flossed with 100% pure cotton before?  No? Would you like a shot of Patron with crusties in it and a cigarette?  No?  Aw hell, I’m just kidding.”  But they are not.  They are 11ty Billion% serious.

These folks are to be the on receiving end of relentless, tenacious, and voracious attacks on their personal, physical, and emotional health.  No holds barred. No family member stricken with cancer on her death or a slow opaquely simpleton child should be spared.  Use all you can, crush them mercilessly and when you’re done and they are crying pour salt, gasoline, Turbo AIDS, dicks, and a flame thrower in their wounds.  Basically defecate in and or around their souls, their very essence.

In the spirit of this week and Hallows Eve, here is a lovely picture captured by a true Dawg fan who gets the point.  This fine gentleman actually dressed up as a Gator fan for Halloween and lo and behold, he got a plethora of these: “What are you supposed to be?  A Florida fan?”  Ah, the irony is palpable.

"Just call me Randy"

Moving right along, I really like our chances in this one.  I think we might have finally hit rock bottom enough to not care about the ‘Jax Jinx’ bullcrap.  It’s about time we just forget about all of that mojo and quit pissing ourselves when we cross the state line.  Mark my words: Attitude will be the difference in this game, not talent.

More to come later.  Register for our feed so you automatically get the updates.  As one loyal and valued reader told me recently, “[Inspector G], I wasted like a whole Friday at work reading your site.  It was the most productive thing I’d done all week.”  Now THAT’s what I’m talking about.  Invite your UGA savvy and UF friends, too.  Tell them about us! Invite them to visit HTT, register, and subscribe.

In all seriousness Captain and I want to thank all of you: friends, readers, subscribers, our two new Post Ready Members (who have yet to post anything, so get with it…)…I know some of you might deem this a little too ‘racy’ or ‘profanity laced’, but if you do, you obviously don’t know us very well or our friends.  But again, THANK YOU!

More to come this week…wow, EPICNESS…stay tuned…

-Inspector G

Bobby Petrino Is A Piece of Horse Excriment

I knew this was the case when he literally, not proverbially mind you, f-d the Falcon players, fellow coaches, and management when he ‘midnight falconed’ his way to Fayetteville.


I just didn’t know it was this bad:  (From Get the Picture and the Senator who got it from Cincinnati.com) The quote is from Mike Zimmer, the former DC that Petrino had with the Falcons:

… Pretty good stuff, but it gets even better in his appraisal of Petrino:  “He is a coward. Put that in quotes. He ruined a bunch of people’s lives, a bunch of people’s families, kids, because he didn’t have enough nuts to stay there and finish the job. That’s the truth.”

When asked if he had seen a two days like that before, where the Falcons lost on Monday Night Football, a coach resigns and then is doing “Woo Pig Sooey” 24 hours later in front of Arkansas boosters, Zimmer said: “No, most people in football have enough courage about them and enough fight to stick through something and not quit halfway through the year. It is cowardly.

“He came in and said he resigned, he would talk to us all at a later date, walked out of the office and no one has ever talked to him since. Not that anybody wanted to.

“He’s a gutless b—–d. Quote that. I don’t give a s—.”

When told that we might might not be able to use the B word, Zimmer went one better: “How about this, gutless MF. You can use that.”

Piece of shit, told you.

-Inspector G

Southerner Visits L.A.; Saves 2 Horses, Rides 2 Cowboys…

Los Angeles:

We here at HTT got word of this heartwarming story featuring a strapping and consenting young man who not only loves the dawgs, but loves the dudes.  The name of this individual cannot be revealed due to copyright laws, but he is from Georgia and will refer to him here as ” Burrow Bracket”.

Burrow always knew he was different.  “Yeah, I always knew I was different.”, Burrow said in a recent interview with us here at HTT.  “I was always taking the roads less traveled. From one-on-one leg wrestling matches with my best friend Davis, to braiding hair with all of the girls at recess.  I always knew I was living the alternative lifestyle.”, he said.

However, living this lifestyle in the state of Georgia was tough for him.  After several felching sessions gone awry and a few break-up’s gone bad, Burrows decided to move to L.A.  “I got into the City, got on my knees, and thanked my luckiest of stars.” 

Burrow now lives in a 203 sq ft loft in West Hollywood 3 blocks from Petey’s Paulinto Palace (a world renowned hang out for bears and power bottoms alike). He currently is employed as an extra with hopes in becoming an A-List actress. “I have the chops, the passion, and the fierceness to make this a career.  I can go high, low, horizontal, behind, in front, side to side, and bare back.  Wait, are we still talking about acting or something else?  Haha!” He wanted us to add a winking smiley face, but our editors advised that would not be possible despite our best efforts.

Burrow has been seen in such ground breaking shorts such as “The Girls Never Came.”, “Backdoor Man”, and “Summer Solstice: The Anderson Cooper Story.” 

From persecution and mishaps in Georgia to a blossoming career in West Hollywood, Burrows is a point in case of following the American Dream. 

When asked to give a shout out to his beloved bulldawgs he stated, “Go Doggies!”

Go doggies, indeed.

-Inspector G