And finally, let’s forget those last two games in Knoxville and get back to playing like we did in the previous three games there (’01, ’03, & ’05). Go Dawgs.
For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH. He aint the guy. The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham. Look, Richt has done his job. He hired Grantham. I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny. And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.
Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about. And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.
Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…
Last week we debuted the inaugural Celebrity Power Rankings as seen through the eyes of Ric Flair (and sponsored by Pemmican Beef Jerky). This week’s rankings are selected by the one-and-only Samuel L. Jackson!
1. Alabama Crimson Tide
This exclusively African-American team is going places!
2. LSU Tigers
Louisiana State gets my nod for the number two slot solely because they have an actual Honey Badger on the team.
3. Atlanta Falcons
I’m seriously hoping to see the Dirty Birds rise up this week against Wisconsin and their pretty boy QB, Aaron Rodgers.
4. Ohio State Buckeyes
These Buckeyes sure are a physical bunch. Their offense led by QB Todd Boeckman can put you to sleep at times, but they get the job done in the end.
5. Clemson Tigers
I’m sticking with a mostly deep south theme here, and it continues with the Clemson Tigers, clad in orange, which is the Genghis Khan of colors: it is compatible with nothing and it savagely rapes then murders anything it is paired with.
I wasn’t in this movie but I felt that I should have been. It was the inspiration behind Snakes on a Plane as well as Black Snake Moan.
7. Georgia Bulldogs
They once paid me to lead the team through a gauntlet of white band members so they will forever hold a perpetual space in my top ten.
8. West Virginia Mountaineers
Because they love saying FUCK as much as I do and I sure fucking love saying motherfucking fuck.
9. Leftist America
Without them we wouldn’t even have rankings, or American football, or air to breathe.
10. Oklahoma Sooners
Coach Stoops has that SMUG ASS LOOK down to a tee. Reminds me of Marsellus Wallace.
I refuse to list Boise State in my rankings because they do not have any black players. Are there even any black people in the state of Idaho, the Ireland of America? Those racist motherfuckers.
Who’s the man with the master plan? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man who will say you can (even if you can’t)? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man that takes too much time on Hardball with Chris Matthews to fully answer a question leading Chris to swap it back over to Harry Bellafonte? Alan…..Keyes! Here he is ladies and gentlemen! The legend, the myth, the greatest non Senator that ever lived! The 1998 Junior Leader’s Of America Sponsor Winner of the Annual Meeting Hotdog Eating Contest and Tire Roll, our friend, Mr. Alan ‘Don’t Call Me Babydoll’ Keyes!!!
Inspector G: You’re late
Keyes: It’s a relative term.
Inspector G: I’ve been waiting in front of this Build-a-Bear for 2 hours. I’ve seen more spoiled kids and MILFs than Tom Brady in his child’s car pool. You need to start requesting more normal meeting places.
Keyes: You don’t talk to the talent that way. You know, Obama talked to me like that and you know what happened to him…
Inspector G: Yeah, he beat you. He also became President, a pretty crappy one, but nevertheless.
Keyes: Well, we need a new contract with America. More jobs, less taxes, you know….progress. I’ve laid out this 43 step plan to reduce the deficit…
Inspector G: For God’s sake, on with it!
Keyes: I tell you. Was I right about everything but the score last week, or was I right? I WAS RIGHT. Almost spot on. This week is a little more puzzling. A little more complex, if you will. On one hand, UGA has better talent. One the other, that hasn’t always worked out for the Dawgs. I have 3 keys for the dawgs: Short Passing game to lure in a big play, keep Relf in the pocket and let him throw (no cheap first downs), and improve on special teams.
La Tech shredded…I mean absolutely shredded Miss St with the short passing game by a quarterback who can’t even vote for me (he really was 17). You know the Miss St Fake Bulldogs D wont allow that for long here and will be forced to ‘cheat up’ and abandon the zone with a variation of a zone/man/robber allowing a one-on-one matchup with King or Mitchell and if Murray can land the pass….oh baby! The running game should do well and I expect Crowell to finally have that brutal cut to send him on a 40 plus yard TD run. I also like the backs getting some passes thrown out of the backfield. This has been money all year, keep using it. And if UGA doesn’t involve the TEs, it will be a tough one tomorrow.
Relf has not been
a world beater better than subpar in the passing game all year. As a result, if we can contain him in the pocket, make correct reads in the option, I see a couple of picks, a sack or two, and a lot of 3rd and longs. If not, this could be a long day. Mullen has been kinda pissed with his O’s performance and has probably cooked up what he belives is a fine crawfish dinner, but so has Grantham. I’m actually really excited about that mind match-up.
Special teams: Let’s just hope Walsh got laid this week.
Inspector G: That’s it?
Keyes: Yep, I wanna go make a Build-a-bear.
Inspector G: OK, well GO Dawgs!
He was my idol when I was a kid.
Hail to Thee debuts a new weekly feature starting right now. It is the Celebrity Power Rankings. Each week, we will interview a real life celebrity or sports personality and ask for his or her college football top 10 power rankings, as well as any comments or justifications if we give them a strong look of consternation for homer or retard picks.
In this inaugural edition, we bring you the official power rankings as chosen by none other than Ric “the Nature Boy” Flair!
1. LSU Tigers
Those cajuns get the top nod after defeating not only the Mountaineers, but an attack on their team buses by an actual, living, breathing flaming couch.
2. South Carolina Gamecocks
Because I love those Cocks.
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
Because I love Forrest Gump.
4. 1972 Plymouth Duster with a slant-6
The Charger’s little brother with an extra chromosome.
5. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Lou Holtz has this program on the right track.
6. Boise State Broncos
I’ll take a chance on the new kid just like I took a chance on Arn Anderson joining the Four Horsemen.
7. Nebraska Corn Shuckers
Their coach is so mad!
8. Wisconsin Badgers
This physique wouldn’t have been possible without cheese. Also because the honey badger doesn’t give a shit and does what it wants.
9. The Figure Four
Once I have it locked in, there is no escape… nor is there mercy.
10. Clemson Tigers
I like their coach and the intensity he brings to the game. He reminds me of a younger version of myself in the middle of a cocaine-fueled blur of a night featuring mixtures of uppers and downers.
The Nature Boy
No, this is really not going to be a review of the game, but a review of the fan experience in Oxford. I mean you all saw the game, right? You saw us compile 475 yards of total offense and only score 27 points. Our defense was lights out and the offense is one cylinder away from being really a high powered one.
Onto the Review:
Traffic/Traffic Control: F –
One cop on the entire exit. Took us nearly 35 minutes to go 500 ft to the parking lot. And if it wasn’t for a UGA fan letting us in, it would’ve taken longer. If I was a donor there, this issue would be addressed ASAP.
The parking lot we picked was close to the stadium, easy to get to (once we got off the exit), affordable (15.00), and had lots of portapottys.
Does it get better than The Grove? I don’t think so. If you’ve never been there, you owe it to yourself to go before you die. Ole Miss fans do it right and have the best tailgating in the world, BAR NONE.
Talent: Whats better than A++++++? Whatever that is.
This is the most diabolical collection of dime pieces in one place that the world have ever seen. It was spiritual.
Distance to Stadium (from tailgate): A
300 yards maybe? SWEET
The most kindhearted and genuine people (as a fan base) you’ll ever meet. Warm, talkative, and welcoming: these people are the epitome of Southern Hospitality and Class. Georgia fans take note.
Stadium Crowd Control/Entrance: F-
The worst and I mean WORST line I’ve ever had to wait in (even worse than Neyland and that’s saying something). The entrance gate was too narrow and only had 2 ticket takers and no line structure or control. It was awful. Almost a 20 minute wait in a 50 yard long line (and it grew). We thought we would actually miss the kickoff. It really made you appreciate Sanford and all the UGA fans were saying so.
Stadium Atmosphere: B+
Can’t give an A to a place that seats only 60,580 (although official attendance was only 58,000) and has a fan base that are not rivals with us. It was nice, but not spectacular. We traveled well. VERY well. I thought about 25% (or more) in the stadium were UGA fans.
Concessions: F- – – (that’s 3 minuses)
Last time we were there, I would have rated it a B, but before halftime they were out of everything save Coca cola and water. That was it. Uber fail.
Bathrooms: F -x10
The bathroom in our section went ‘out’ midway through the first quarter and we had to walk to the other side of damn-nation to relieve ourselves. It is inexcusable to have a bathroom fail and even worse when you can’t fix it. Also the amount of bathrooms is unacceptable given the amount of people that stadium sits. There has to be a line ALWAYS.
Stadium Music: B+
Apparently the Ole Miss Stadium Music Guy read HTT last week because this is what played during opening kickoff: P Diddy’s ‘Come With Me’ and then then came the Black Keys, ACDC, and LMFAO. BUT, they also played that Zombie Nation OOOoooOOOoooOOO bullshit. They’re fans don’t like it either…and it shows.
Field Appearance/Play: B –
Field looked great (but it is field turf), but way too many slips given that is was field turf.
Traffic control on exiting: F – –
Again, poorly executed, not enough cops, waited in the parking lot way too long in a stale mate.
Ole Miss needs to say ‘thank you’ to their fans, the grove, and the talent because if that’s not there, this overall is definitely a ‘C-‘. Crowd control, traffic, and bathrooms are of utmost importance and you screwed those up royaly.
Thanks for the good time Oxford and The University of Mississippi.
The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers, comes bearing gifts in the form of fail-proof fucking football picks. Without further adieu, Hailtothee.com brings you Kenny’s week 4 notables. There is quite a slew of good match-ups scheduled for Saturday so Kenny’s got a slew of picks to choose from.
EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?
NORTH CAROLINA +7 OVER (25) GEORGIA TECH
The Jackets have literally played dogshit teams these first three weeks. They even wasted a bunch of cotton and materials on some shitty t-shirts commemorating a win over a Kansas team that’s actually weighing the pros and cons of re-hiring Mark Mangino. UNC will be bringing the most athletic defense in the ACC to Bobby Dodd stadium so expect Tech to fall quite short of its gaudy season averages for yards gained or points scored.
MASSACHUSETTS +10.5 OVER BOSTON COLLEGE (LOL)
Because BC is awful. Not Murmphis awful, but awful nonetheless. Back-to-back losses to UCF (30-3) and Duke (20-19) have the Eagles reeling and without momentum heading into this match-up which will likely be overlooked by BC with Wake Forest, Clemson, VT, Maryland, and FSU all looming ahead.
(15) FLORIDA -19.5 OVER KENTUCKY
Will COACH BOOM MOTHERFUCKER‘s Gators make it 25 in a row over Kentucky? Most likely. But by a 20 point margin? Probably so. In the world of analogies, the Wildcat offense is a kitten and the Gator defense is a residential wood chipper so this could get ugly real fast if UK doesn’t protect the ball.
(21) CLEMSON -3 OVER (11) FLORIDA STATE
The injury bug looks to have hit FSU with QB EJ Manuel’s uncertainty and a visit to Death Valley is definitely not the cure. Clemson can assume the reins of the ACC Atlantic division with a win on Saturday. We asked Coach Dabo Swinney about the significance of a win over FSU, which hasn’t won at Clemson since 2001: “RAWRUGSRGOHGOISNJRGFVNR UNBELIEVEABLE HGYUSERGSF COOL COOL IIUHRGISUIRNG ICE WATER VEINS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like sending your credit card information over to that Nigerian gentleman who plans to send you the $10 million dollars that was willed to you by someone you’ve never heard of, sir and/or madam.
(2) LOUISIANA STATE -6 OVER (16) WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA
Unless fiery couches fall from the heavens onto the LSU sidelines, expect the Tigers to romp all over the squad coached by LORD HOLGOR. LSU should be considered the #1 team in the nation right now and they’ve played arguably the toughest schedule in the country thus far so they’re battle-tested and ready for what’s going to be a debaucherous night in Morgantown. A night filled with furniture being set ablaze, Sharpie-made West “Fuckin” Virginia t-shirts (since the school is buying them all back), and non-consenting intercourse.
VANDERBILT +15.5 OVER (12) SAKERLINA
James Franklin is getting the most out of this squad of over-achievers (s0 far). The Commodores lead the SEC with 12 forced turnovers and South Carolina has been playing like a steaming heap of jungly gorilla shit. A few balls bounce in Vandy’s favor and we could be looking at a completely different SEC East scenario.
ARIZONA STATE -1.5 OVER (23) SOUTHERN CAL
The Trojans are looking for their 12th consecutive win over ASU but Lane Kiffin will fuck it up somehow by going for (and failing to achieve) two-point conversions after each score. Also, Brock “Bill Brasky” Osweiler plays QB for the Sun Devils. He stands at an astounding 18 feet 3 inches tall and his jersey is made of tyrannosaurus rex foreskin.
GEORGIA -10 OVER OLE MISS
Mississippi is the worst team in the SEC and as a game progresses, they get shittier and shittier. We suspect that a fellow like Houston Nutt doesn’t command very much admiration and charisma from his players because we’ve seen some very uninspired football coming out of the Rebel Black Bears as of late. If Georgia doesn’t absolutely fucking maul Ole Miss then it’s going to raise some tempers in Athens. Don’t even speak of a loss to the Rebels.
(7) OKLAHOMA STATE +4.5 OVER (8) TEXAS A&M
The line here doesn’t really follow any logic or convention. Actually, wait, that’s backwards. The polls don’t follow any fucking logic or convention. Derp. This one will probably be decided by less than a TD so it’s a tough pick and the Gambler is just basing this one off of how much he admires Mike Gundy for being a fucking man who is 44.
(3) ALABAMA -11 OVER (14) ARKANSAS
Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, a relentless force on the line, is scratched from this week’s game with a hammy injury so the Tide’s slow and methodical ground game will eventually mount and penetrate the Arkansas D with resistance at first, followed by lethargic acceptance.
COLORADO +16.5 OVER OHIO STATE
We watched a reply of the Miami/Ohio State game from last week and thought to ourselves (and screamed aloud), “what the fuck am I looking at here?” whenever
Todd Boeckman Joe Bauserman was on the field. Luke Fickel has this shit under control though, bro, trust him. Affliction shirts for errbody!
Again brought to you by none other than the man himself, no 62 In the East Illinois State Fighting June Bugs circa 1968 program and no 1 in your hearts, the savior of brothers in conservative altruism…without further adieu: Mr. Alan Keyes!
Inspector G: So welcome back, Alan…
Keyes: Good to be here, Inspector….good to be here…I tell ya what. This crank Obama. He is seriously using bridges for props now? Shovel Ready? What does that even mean? I know that…
Inspector G: Sir, you do realize this is a Sports site, right?
Keyes: Of course I do. Who do you think I am? Anthony Weiner? Some pale faced fool without the chops?
Inspector G: No sir. Just give me your ‘keyes’ to the game so I can get the hell out of this Chinese Buffet. I find it rather appauling you insisted on meeting here.
Keyes: Look, this Moo Goo Gai Pan is the shiat. Hold on a sec…waiter! (Snaps fingers) Waiter?! (shakes empty glass with ice and a young man of oriental descent approaches). Look here, (while doing some weird hand motions and speaking to the waiter in a typical American assholish manner) Youuu make meee crab rangooonsss? (The waiter simply answers, with no accent, ‘Sure. I’ll be right back.) Hmm..that guy apparently spoke engrish….hahaha.
Anyways Inspector, I’ll get to the point. This Georgia team has been a confusing one to say the least. We have that debacle in the Dome. Then turn around and have a good showing against a very legit South Carolina team. It could’ve been great but we couldn’t take care of the ball. I honestly see a lot of promise in this team. I wont go on record to say they will be world beaters by the end of the season, but they might. This game really shouldn’t tell us too much overall (unless they lose). I’m kinda expecting a blowout, actually.
Here’s how they’ll do it: A very balanced attack on offense. I know that is kind of cliche when speaking of the offense lately, but I really feel that this will be one of those game where we will have 240 passing yards 200 rushing yards and score 42-48 points. I see Crowell getting the call for the corner several times early and if we can just slow down their OLB’s he should be off to the races. I can also see Murray letting it rip. He’s been above average this year, but not stellar. I think this game is primed for him to become that QB we all wanted to see.
Look, Ole Miss Rebel Hottie Bear Admiral Ackbars took one in the mouth last week against Vandy. They may be playing for the Nuttsters job, but whose to say the underclassmen even want him there anymore. He’s like Les Miles Lite: All the calories, half the flavor. I think this team is fragile and on the brink. This is quite an advantage for the dawgs in my opinion and I think they are just the team to push them off the ledge.
For the defense I anticipate another above average game. Maybe a turnover mid-way through, but I don’t see the defense pick 6-ing like Vandy did. Why you ask? Because poor QB play for the opposing team doesn’t seem to ever be the norm for UGA since Reggie Ball left Tech. I see very strong showings on third downs, as has been the case all year. But where I’m prediciting something new is in the sack department. This Quarterback Ole Miss has is
screwed up mind fucked after last weeks debacle. After throwing so many picks last week, he will be uber prone to hold hold hold onto the ball versus throwing it into the grasp of our safeties. I predict 6 sacks for the game a la a corner blitz, jones blitz, and John Jenkins bone crusher bullrush.
So there ya go.
Inspector G: Well, thanks Alan. That was great. Appreciate you taking the…
Keyes: Now for something super special: my talking points for meet the press tonight…
Inspector G: OK, cut.
I love the guts of this kid. I really do. He seems not only to have sticky fingers, but looks to be a tad faster than Durham. Kids like this make me excited about the rest of this season, especially Saturday.
Little hope fairies just runnin a muck in my heart.