Celebrity Power Rankings: SEC Edition

Today, HailToThee brings to you the Celebrity Power Rankings courtesy of none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage! This time around he’ll be focusing on just the SEC… which is apparently all that matters, am I right? YAH YAH YAH

Well the SEC’s regular season is all wrapped up and OOH YEAH has it been a WILD RIDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEE. LSU has already been crowned the national champion, the Muschamp BOOM MF’er and Dooley eras have proved to be quite fruitful and DOMINANT, and Houston Nutt has died inside RIP BROTHER.

Lemme tell ya somethin’ MEAN GENE you may have heard me call into the Georgia Bulldogs post-game call in show from my heavenly cloud floating over that CESS POOL known as Bobby Dodd Stadium but now I’m here to give you the rundown on my SEC POWER RANKINGS OOOOOH YEAH SO MUCH POWER DIG IT BROTHER.

1. LSU (12-0, 8-0)
Nowhere to go but DOWN BROTHER and there’s a fightin’ chance in them BULLDOGS out of Georgia BROTHER. If LSU ends up 14-0 it will go down as one of the most impressive seasons in college football history. So far they’ve been like me, the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, in a world of Doink the Clowns.

2. GEORGIA (10-2, 7-1)
The two division winners deserve to be at the top here brother. Coach Richt has done a hell of a job getting the Dawgs back to the title game brother. Also I’d like to give a big F-U to Corso and Herbstreit who predicted a loss to the nerds in Atlanta. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN’ BROTHERS YOU GOT SOME BAD DAYS A-COMIN BROTHER.

3. ALABAMA (11-1, 7-1)
The Tide, brother, has had perhaps the safest route ever to back door into the national championship game, brother. Right now Coach Saban is icing up the champagne with his little manlet hands, brother.

4. ARKANSAS (10-2, 6-2)
Not of a fan of that PENCIL NECK PIPSQUEAK coach of theirs but you gotta give the Hogs credit brother for a fine season. Much like Georgia, they lost both games against the two best teams on their schedule, but in blowout fashion, brother. They remind me of one Mr. Perfect who was occasionally a tough opponent but didn’t make much noise in the big picture, brother.

5. SOUTH CAROLINA (10-2, 6-2)
Will this be the end of the road for OLD MAN SPURRIER so he can finally play at Augusta National on a daily basis? Not sure, brother, but he did a damn fine job preventing the Gamecocks from spiraling out of control like they normally do to end the season. ILLINOIS IS THE NEW SOUTH CAROLINA BROTHER.

6. AUBURN (7-5, 4-4)
The Auburn Tigers have done a 180-degree turn from last year’s magical season, brother.

7. FLORIDA (6-6, 3-5)
Hey you turkeyneck Charlie Weis, maybe resurrecting offenses is NOT YOUR CUP OF COFFEE BROTHER. YEAH WOW FREAKOUT.

8. MISSISSIPPI STATE (6-6, 2-6)
When your best win is against an 8-4 WAC squad you’re not doin’ it big, brother. CAN YA DIG IT?

9. VANDERBILT (6-6, 2-6)
The Commodores had some feistyness in them this year brother and so did their leader James Franklin but Mr. Franklin’s back-pedaling and passive-aggressive antics are NOTHING compared to the kind of physical hurting I put on The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase back at Wrestlemania IV, brother.

10. KENTUCKY (5-7, 2-6)
It looks like Kentucky is back to its old ways of wetting the bed, brother. Rebuilding the offense on this team is surely going to be a BIG TEST FROM THAT MACHO MAN UP IN THE SKY.

11. TENNESSEE (5-7, 1-7)
Back to back losing seasons for the Vols for the first time since 1911. Tennessee you are like a grain of sand in the Sahara Desert and I AM THE ENTIRE DESERT, BROTHER.

12. OLE MISS (2-10, 0-8)
NOTHIN’ BUT GARBAGE, BROTHER

MACHO MADNESS is on a roll brother and it can't be stopped, Mean Gene.

The Difference a Season Makes

Stickin' To The Nerds, 10 outta 11!

I really am savoring this victory over Tech.  For one, it just felt good to beat them, but honestly I am just awe struck by how hard this team has worked to stay together despite the “Richt on the hot seat’ meme and those 2 devastating losses.

I’ll have some more in depth stuff for tomorrow….but for now these quick hitters will have to do:

– Murray is much more in sync with his footwork when he trusts his OL.

-Chris Conley is turning into one helluva receiver

-I have changed my vote for the biggest offseason acquisition from Crowell to Big John Jenkins.

-Garrison Smith really did a nice job in place of Deangelo Tyson.  After it gashed us a couple of times, he completely blew up those slant hand-offs.

-Todd Grantham for President

-Dick move by Johnson not letting the clock just run given 12 seconds left, but Paul Johnson is a dick.

-Speaking of dick moves, Johnson’s time-out ‘ice’ for that field goal sure did backfire didn’t it?

-Blair Walsh, I’m sorry buddy.  I still love you.

-Jarvis Jones got another sack.

-Murray still needs another year  to pick up the accuracy before I put him in the ‘lethal’ status.

-Orson Charles, best tight end in the Nation?  Anybody?

-If Aron White dropped that TD pass he should have kept right on running right out of the stadium.

-Is it just me (besides that one pass today) or is Sanders Commings our lock-down CB?

-Tech fans are butt hurt lillies when they lose.  The excuses on the blogosphere are deep, plentiful, and as usual lacking in the rational department

-Alec Ogletree looks like the defensive Megatron

I said it’s Great to Be A Georgia Bulldawg!

-Inspector G

Saturday Attire

Paul Westerdawg over at the Georgia Sports Blog had a very fitting tribute to Munson for this Saturday: Wear Black.  I myself will be in black for the Pure Old Fashioned Hate-Fest on Saturday.  You should, too.

Also, and I agree with Paul on this, it would not hurt my feelings if the team came out in black as well.  This will not be fake juice, but an appropriate gesture honoring Larry, his legacy, and his family.  I really would like to see at least a sticker on the helmets or something on the jerseys.

And for all of those idiots who have been commenting ‘Durrrr, you obviously don’t know Munson if you think he’d like us to wear black…durrrrr!’: You sirs, obviously should continue to wear your No. 8 jerseys and earrings to the games.  We sure love having you in our fan base.

Spread the word.

-Inspector G

My Memories of Munson

On a pretty wet and cold night on November, 16th 2002 my kids I coached just finished up winning the State Championship for the United Youth Football League.  I was savoring and celebrating the victory and was quietly patting myself on the back as I made the long trip from Roswell to Milledgeville.

I was so caught up in the win that I was mildly surprised to hear a familiar voice come over the radio.  Larry Munson was doing his best ‘hand-wringing’ to paint the picture of the dyer situation the Dawgs were in at Auburn.  Last drive, clock running out, down by 4, and we were driving.  I honestly found it hard to contain myself.

The drive continued and then I heard this:

I was shouting and screaming aloud in my truck and really didn’t hear all of the call, but it was a good one.  The 2002 team was one of my favorites of all time and that call is one of Larry’s best.  Some would probably argue that the Hobnail Boot or the Sugar Falling from the Sky, or countless others were the best.  However, for me, on that night it was my favorite.  The call was pure Munson and Bulldawg Gold wrapped in platinum.  As long as I live I will never forget that day.

As long as I live I will never forget Larry Munson and how he fueled my love for the dawgs.  His words, his style, and his ‘woe-is-me’ brand of UGA homerism sparked the kindling that lit one of the biggest burning fires in my life: my love of the Georgia Bulldogs.   Since I was a small little tyke in my ‘Future Bulldog Bib’; to going to the UGA games with my coaches and getting access to the locker rooms afterwards; to having Patrick Pass and Corey Robinson attend my football practices and sign my hats; to my year playing ball in college; and now to my adult life I have always loved Larry Munson.  He was always there, at every tailgate, pre-game, and event surrounding UGA.  He represented what the team, the University, and the Classic City meant to not only the Bulldawg Nation, but the SEC and the nation as well.  Who doesn’t remember turning the T.V. down and Munson up?

There will never be another like him.  I remember listening to his last full season and I said several times (to myself and to my friends) that we better cherish this, because he will not be around for much longer.  Honestly, I never wanted to think about UGA football without Munson.  But when the inevitable happened, I never knew I’d miss his scratchy voice so much

Seems to me like so many of my favorite memories growing up and immersing myself in the Bulldawg Fandom include this man who I felt I knew so well, yet only met a handful of times.  I heard the legends, listened to the calls of old, but that one against Auburn will always be my favorite.

I couldn’t help but get a little misty-eyed on my way to work this morning.  Weeping for an end of a legend is not a sin.  It is an honor.  My Dad once told me that the memories of those you love keep them alive, but just in a different way.  I believe that is true.  And from what I’ve seen and talked about today, Larry Munson is alive and well.  Larry, Godspeed, good luck, and maybe God can give you a steel chair you won’t break when we win the SEC Championship in 2 weeks.

-Inspector G

 

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 12

The 2011 college football season is winding down before our very eyes and Kenny Rogers is still COMIN’ AT YOU BRO with his weekly spread picks. Kenny went a meh 5-4-1 in last week’s picks so you’re probably better off not putting real, actual money on these picks, as it’s about as risky as hooking up with Magic Johnson. It’s slim pickin’s on the good matchups this week and instead we get a shit load of SEC vs. FCS games (LSU vs. Ole Miss included) and other Tom Foolery.

#16 NEBRASKA +3.5 vs. #18 MICHIGAN
This one is basically an elimination game in the Big 10 Legends (lol) Division. Both teams come in with identical 8-2 (4-2) records but trail Michigan State (5-1 B10) for the division lead. This one is a tough pick that truly could go either way since both of these teams are not very consistent on a week-to-week basis. Denard Robinson is playing with a sprained right wrist so Big Red gets the nod. Also, Bo Pelini threatened my family with a toothbrush whittled into a prison shank.

#17 WISCONSIN -14 vs. ILLINOIS
Because Ron Zook doesn’t give a shit anymore, that’s why.

#6 ARKANSAS -13 vs. MISSISSIPPI STATE
Mississippi State has a defense that can give any offense some fits as they’ve held LSU, Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama well below their season averages. On the flip side, their offense couldn’t score even if it managed to bring home a blacked out trainwreck of a whore from The Loft on Clayton Street after force-feeding her a shit ton of vodka Red Bulls.

This might happen again

N.C. STATE +7.5 vs. #7 CLEMSON
The Clemson nose-dive starts this weekend against a shitty NC State team that should lose this one, but is 4-1 in Raleigh. Comments from Clemson players about this game all end up being about the game against South Carolina next week… hmm… looking ahead? The collective pot of luck for Tiger teams is starting to run out (see: Auburn & Missouri).

#21 PENN STATE +6.5 vs. OHIO STATE
Watching the offenses in this game is going to be like watching sloths mate – slow, methodical, and a 50-50 chance of either participant staying awake long enough to finish.

OLE MISS +30 vs. #1 LSU
Congrats Houston Nutt! Your final home game in Oxford is against the #1 team in all the land! Somehow, Coach Giggity is 2-1 against LSU during his Ole Miss tenure but this one should level him out to .500. The only reason LSU doesn’t cover here is because of the looming matchup against#6 Arkansas.

#22 BAYLOR +15 vs. #5 OKLAHOMA
Another case of looking ahead to a huge season-defining game for Oklahoma. OU is 20-0 all time (!) against Baylor so don’t expect Baylor to pull out the upset, but then again don’t count on an OU blowout, either. Landry Jones is still MIA searching for his truck wheels.

USC +14.5 vs. #4 OREGON
USC is one of those sneaky teams that may or may not show up to play, depending on how long Monte has Lane in timeout. The Trojans have the talent, and more importantly, speed, on defense to keep the Oregon offense in check. This one is being called “the Matt Barkley coming out game”. Coming out of what, exactly? The closet? USC will likely need some young receivers to show up big time with Robert Woods questionable status.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -26.5 vs. IOWA STATE
This one is here as an excuse to use the following GIF of Paul Rhoads rocking the fuck out to some Nickelback.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRURFFF ERRRR TIME I LOOK IT MAKES ME LURFFFFF

#14 GEORGIA -30.5 vs. KENTUCKY
Kentucky brings its 118th ranked total LOLffense to Athens in an attempt to gain a single yard against the nation’s #4 total defense of Georgia. Coach Richt has this team completely focused on the Wildcats because Georgia Tech isn’t good enough to warrant looking ahead to. Also, the team knows what happens if they’re caught with their pants down in this game. The Bulldogs will score enough points in the first quarter to win this one and prolong Joker Phillips’ losing streak in road SEC contests. Hop on board, Kentucky! There are no brakes on the RAPE TRAIN.

“The first thing (Sanders) said to me in film (study of Georgia) was ‘Max, throw it fast,’” Maxwell Smith said.

Pre-Season Myths / Current Season Realities

First off, sorry for the lack of posts.  Life happens.

I wanted to visit a couple of the pre-season outlooks that the Bulldawg Nation (and the Sports Nation in general) had for the team this year and compare them to what we’re experiencing now.

Myth No 1: UGA’s Passing Attack will be mediocre without AJ Green.

Reality: Yes, he was the most dominant player at his position in the Nation (and what a hell of a rookie season he’s having as well), but the passing attack has been spread around between TK and 3 other stellar Freshmen (Conley, Bennett, and Mitchell) which in my opinion makes it more lethal.  This can be seen through Murray’s stats: 2284 yards / 27 TDs / 8 INT.

 

Myth No 2:  Strength and conditioning changes were not good enough.

Reality:  Last scoring drive against Auburn last week.  All runs, getting 8 yards a clip.  Defense then holds all game.  You tell me…

 

Myth No 3: Fire Mike Bobo

Reality: Murray breaks single season TD passing record (passing UGA awesomeness Guru and Uber Hetero-Sexual Heart-throb Matthew Stafford). We will have a 1,000 yard rusher (Crowell, barring injury) by the end of the season.  Crowell is the 3rd leading rusher in the SEC, behind only Trent Richardson and Michael Dyer.  Murray leads in TDs and efficiency in the Conference.  Really?   I blame Bobo for all of this awfulness.

 

Myth No 4: Fire Richt

Reality: Not a Goddamned one of you who called for his head better be cheering or savoring a visit to the SEC Championship Game (if we get there, but we should) or in some strange twist of fate we win the SEC CG, not a peep.  Just update your facebook status with “Fire Richt”.

 

That is all.

-Inspector G

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 11

It’s that time again kiddos for Kenny Fuckin’ Rogers’ college football notable picks. There are some good games on the docket for this week and also Kenny would like to send a BIG F YOU to Vegas in celebration of his 7-3 record in week 9’s picks. Kenny Fed-Ex’d in his picks today all the way from College Station, PA, where he is disguised as a student and is partaking in the rioting and other debauchery going on in that part of the world.

#19 NEBRASKA -3.5 vs. #12 PENN STATE
Gonna go ahead and get this obvious one outta the way here. There is no way that Penn State wins this game with all of the distractions that have been bombarding the team over these past few days. Nebraska rolls into College Station in FULL BLOWN RAGE MODE after losing 28-25 at home to powerhouse Northwestern (!). Not to mention Penn State’s awful 21.7 PPG (aka 100th ranked) scoring offense. Godspeed sweet JoePa.

GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE

#7 OREGON +3.5 vs. #4 STANFORD
In the Pac-12 there are these two and then there is everyone else. And by everyone else we mean a short bus full of AIDS with Lane Kiffin in the driver’s seat. It also appears that Andrew Luck has shaved his beard for the Oregon game and we all know Magic Johnson was never the same after he shaved his. Tsk tsk.

Just in case any of you weirdos want your own Andrew Luck beard.

FLORIDA +3 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
It’s about that time of the year when the Gamecocks somehow turn a 7-1 season into a 7-5 season. Don’t bet against history, folks. On the flip side, however, Florida has lost 8 straight against ranked teams. Excuse me, please remove that spotlight from Aaron Murray, sir.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -17 vs. TEXAS TECH
Just arbitrarily picking against Tuberville’s ears.

IOWA +2.5 vs. #17 MICHIGAN STATE
Just another one of those Big 10 roulette games where literally anyone can win. This one will probably be decided by a field goal echoing the excitement of the following clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsPNt6uBxBE

#5 BOISE STATE -15 vs. TCU
Outside of the opener against Georgia, Boise’s schedule has rapidly evolved into a crusty white piece of dog shit. DOG. SHIT. TCU is a long way removed from the team that upset Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl last year so don’t expect any additional love in the polls for the Broncos. Besides, even if TCU were ranked, would anyone still give Boise much credit for beating just another non-AQ team anyway?

#8 ARKANSAS -14 vs. TENNESSEE
A Tennessee loss here likely sends the Vols home for the holidays as upcoming Vandy and Kentucky are not gimmes for this year’s Volunteers. I was rooting for Arkansas last week because it meant a loss for South Carolina, but now there is no more reason to ever root for that beady-eyed manlet Petrino. With that being said, Arky crushes UT.

#1 LSU -41.5 vs. WESTERN KENTUCKY
The collective head of all college football fans would explode if LSU fucked this one up.

MISSISSIPPI STATE +17 vs. #3 ALABAMA
Not sure how Alabama reacts after the heartbreaking loss last weekend. Let’s just hope this one doesn’t go into OT also, for the sake of not having to listen to Nick Saban whine about college football’s OT rules (wtf?).

#15 GEORGIA -12 vs. #20 AUBURN
Auburn is coming off of a bye week but as it’s been proven in the past in the SEC, that literally means nothing. The tune-up that Georgia got last week was much more productive than a bye week ever could be so you can reasonably expect the Dawgs to roll tomorrow afternoon, as long as the mental miscues and special teams problems are absent. This is going to be an exciting game with an electric atmosphere emanating from Sanford Stadium so don’t miss it.

this has nothing to do with anything in this post

Nicholas Davis Game of The Century Breakdown

Nicholas Davis, Homo, Out of Work Speed Trainer

 

This game of the century brief breakdown is brought to you by “Davis Speed Training: Two Hours A Day, 2 Days A Week, and You Can Be a 2 Pump Chump Too!!”.

Here is the breakdown Nicholas sent me:

“So we all know that LSU and Bama are gearing up for a 1 vs 2 battle of the ages.  Oh really?  Well in my opinion the Wisconsin Badgers and Russel Wilson would butt-rape them harder than a 6′-4” Bear on an unsuspecting twink.  Let’s be honst…these teams are a direct result of a weak schedule and NOT because of their aptitude on offense, stellar coaching, supreme baby-eating talent, defense fortitude, or beast mode capabilities.  No.  These teams are just ranked that way because they are in the SEC.

Now, you see man, I went to UGA.  But I always bet against them.  I would argue with the Inspector all the time about how shitty Richt is or how bad David Green was.  The only 3 players in UGA history I ever liked were DJ Shockley, Knowshon Moreno, and Joe T III.  I’m a college football realist.  And that’s why I love Wisconsin.

But, back to the breakdown.  If I had to guess, I would say LSU wins this game, man.  They are battle hardened.  The quality of opponents they have played this year is much better than Alabama.  In fact let me make this easy for you in a chart breakdown:

LSU                                              BAMA

QB’s                                       X

RB                                                                                                  X

WR’s                                     X

DEF                                   PUSH                                             PUSH

COACHING                                                                                X

INTANGIBLES                 X

TEAM                                  X

 

So in other words, LSU is more battle tested and has the better overall offense.  I look for LSU to get a couple of scores early and let their defense try to contain Richardson.  The true battle for the game, however will be the battle between Bama’s O-Line and LSU’s D-Line.  If they can’t keep the LSU bigguns off of Mccarron, it is gonna be a long night Bama fans.

Score: 24-10 LSU.   Or better yet, I’ll post a picture that will graphically represent my thoughts on this game:

Growing Up in Alabama, I've Had Access to a Plethora of Chinese Buffets

 

So there……man.”

-Inspector G

 

‘Keyes’ To The Game….Fake Aggies Edition

This will be a brief post as Alan has got some damage control to do on some occupy protestors straight Tawana Brawley style.

Without further adieu:

The Thinker, Not the Stinker

 

Inspector G: So we meet again, Alan.  This time at a Shakey’s Pizza, oddly enough.

Keyes: Good to be back, Inspector.  I love Shakey’s Pizza, fo sho.  Haha.  Get it? Fo Sho?  No uncle Tom here!!!!   Haha.

Inspector G: Ok, well since you’re crossing racial stereotypes like they are State lines, why not get on with the keys to the game.

Keyes: Surely.  Georgia will dominate every facet of the game and will enforce their will upon the aggies like Magnus Ver Magnussen did to a coors light tall boy.  Like a fat kid at Cici’s.  Like Obama against me.

Let’s be honest, this game could probably be played by UGA’s practice squad and still be able to squeeze out a win.  Even with the RB’s in a perpetual sate of suspension, this wont be close.  Defense is too good.  Offense will be good enough.  Score 42-7

Inspector G: That’s it?  No more than that?

Keyes: In the words of that gay kid from American Idol, What do you want from me?  It’s New Mexico State.   But I will leave you with this.  I think Jarvis Jones is a special player, hell….I know he is.  He will impose his force on the Aggies’ QB like a spider-moneky all jacked up on meth and steroids.  Look for this QB to retire from football altogether and host social teparties with stuffed animals, much like this:

Inspector G:  I don’t know how you put a South Park video in an interview, but somehow you found a way.

Keyes: I win again, I always do!  Kind of like that Ram in a staring contest with Robert Goulet.

You Win Again, You Always Do

 

-Inspector G

 

PS: Oh yeah, for your totally non football or UGA related hilarity:

Twitterverse Talk, Slow Ya Rolle

I hope you have had ample time to recover from the WTF Story Of The Week, cause that shit was flawless. It has been a an interesting week after the defense showed up and threw an old fashioned ass whooping last weekend in Florida. Speaking of which, Florida had one first down in the second half. One. And Kwame didn’t even play, could you tell? Me neither. Here are the tweets that put lead in my pencil.

Those two could make Cali an island if they pushed it, your Nemo if they choose.

Inspector G, didn't he play with "Scoop-in-scow?"

This kids hate for Fl is so deep he is ok breaking his leg for the "W"? I love it.

 

 

Your joking right? Knew this kid was special since Sakerlina game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now given the latest debacles we have had with our fashion friendly team, you would think that those ideas are cleared in the minds of Bulldawg Nation, that the streak of six wins, and the recent victory over in Jortsville would be enough to calm the sole. But oh hell no, of course not, shit like this shows up on my twitter time line and my head explodes for the

 

Slow ya rolle tweet uh da weak

Your fucking black Starter Walmart jersey will never match the player’s jeryseys on the field again, deal with it. Richt don’t be confused, just put your bullshit filters on. 

 

 

In closing I would like thank the the players who have spiked my interest in the game this weekend, a blow out and playing time for the second and third stringers would have just been too easy- totally not the UGA way. And what is even more sad is that I am nieve enough to think that the rushing game will be fine. If everything goes accordingly, I plan to see freshman (except LeMay and Rome) get some nice playing time, Mason do his thang thang, and I will even provide you with two players to watch: Connor Norman (the other 11) and Arthur Lynch (88). Lynch gets decent playing time as it is, but I see a nice play-action pass to him and at least a pick from Connor Norman. New Mexico State had like 9 interceptions against their last opponent, so that shouldn’t be a stretch right? (Ten minutes later I find their “clubhouse” on ESPN) It was three picks, against Nevada. Is that a city or state? Is Vegas near there? Wait, that can only mean on thing, Wayne Newton? Heck yes, honey where is my fanny pack and sunscreen? We’re heading west!