Keyes: I Spit Fire
This will be a brief post as Alan has got some damage control to do on some occupy protestors straight Tawana Brawley style.
Without further adieu:
Inspector G: So we meet again, Alan. This time at a Shakey’s Pizza, oddly enough.
Keyes: Good to be back, Inspector. I love Shakey’s Pizza, fo sho. Haha. Get it? Fo Sho? No uncle Tom here!!!! Haha.
Inspector G: Ok, well since you’re crossing racial stereotypes like they are State lines, why not get on with the keys to the game.
Keyes: Surely. Georgia will dominate every facet of the game and will enforce their will upon the aggies like Magnus Ver Magnussen did to a coors light tall boy. Like a fat kid at Cici’s. Like Obama against me.
Let’s be honest, this game could probably be played by UGA’s practice squad and still be able to squeeze out a win. Even with the RB’s in a perpetual sate of suspension, this wont be close. Defense is too good. Offense will be good enough. Score 42-7
Inspector G: That’s it? No more than that?
Keyes: In the words of that gay kid from American Idol, What do you want from me? It’s New Mexico State. But I will leave you with this. I think Jarvis Jones is a special player, hell….I know he is. He will impose his force on the Aggies’ QB like a spider-moneky all jacked up on meth and steroids. Look for this QB to retire from football altogether and host social teparties with stuffed animals, much like this:
Inspector G: I don’t know how you put a South Park video in an interview, but somehow you found a way.
Keyes: I win again, I always do! Kind of like that Ram in a staring contest with Robert Goulet.
PS: Oh yeah, for your totally non football or UGA related hilarity:
As I walk up the Bob’s Country Bunker in Nashville, TN I see this man taking tickets at the door. He is just singing the praises of the singer they have tonight. I look back at the sign which reads: “AK47 and the Hoochie Coochie Dip Spitting Pistol Whippin’ Ghetto Cheerleaders”. I thought to myself, “What in the hell has Alan got me into this time? What is this? Rap night?”.
I walk into Bob’s Country Bunker, and lo and behold, there is Alan Keyes singing George Straight’s classic hit, “You Better Baby Your Baby.” His back-up singers consisted of 1 black girl, 1 indian girl, and one white tranny (who had the best voice of them all if I’m being honest). It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The following transcript is what occured right after that song ended:
Keyes: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you! Thank you! We’re taking a break and we’ll be right back…
*We exit into a back room that honestly reminded me of a rape portal*
Inspector G: “So what to you have for me this week, Keyes?”
Keyes: “Well, well, well….isn’t it awful to know I’m right and you’re wrong?”
Inspector G: “What are you doing? You going ‘nanna nanna boo-boo’ on me right now? For real? Besides, I’ve been quite fond of your ‘Keyes’ to the game and have talked you up.”
Keyes: “Ha! I hear that. I also heard you actually half-way convinced some chick at Amici in Athens that these little chats we have were, in fact, real.”
Inspector G: “I know of the woman of which you speak. There is a possibility that this is true.”
Keyes: “Well, anyways here are my Keys To The Game: As you know, UGA’s offense (and its coordinator) have been heavily scrutinized as of late for their
underwhelming do-what-you-need-to-win-and-keep-the-points-differential-within-2-scores mantra. I think some fans and pundits need to take a step back and remember that there is no reason to push things down the field so much and score 50+ a game when your defense is manhandling absolutely monkey-stomping the fuck out of the opposition and leaving the wounded behind.
In such a scenario, there is no need to ‘go deep’ all the time, sustain short quick scoring drives for points that may or may not yield enough risk/reward for the cause. Look, Bobo called the deep shots several times, but Murray only hit on 2. And that’s ok. The point is to use up as much clock as possible and then that time on the scoreboard represents just as much of an enemy as a 20 point lead (although that, just for once, would be nice). I look for the offense to continue running the ball, setting up play action for a couple of deep balls. I have a sneaking suspicion that Murray will connect on a few and Vandy will be out of this game before they can get a touchdown on offense (which if you’ve been paying attention, their TD’s come FEW and VERY FAR between). I see Crowell getting the bulk of the carries in the first half, hopefully racking up close to a hundred and a score, then resting him for Samuel and Thomas. We need him 110% for Florida, you know.
As for the Defense: I shall sum this up in one picture and one only:
Special teams: Punt, Kick, Field, Return. No fumbles, no shanks, no muffs. NO BLOCKS IN THE BACKS. Blake Sailors for president.
That is all. It’s time to go back to my set. I’ll dedicate this one to you…
Inspector G: Really guy? Really?
“…Voice mail recording. 1 New Message…New Message from: ‘BIIIG DADDDY KEYES, BITCH!’ …30 seconds…’Inspector, it’s me Alan. Alan Keyes…ha! I’m drunk at a Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas! I’m gonna be late for our interview tomorrow, but meet me at the Gymboree in Roswell Thursday at 9! Oh and Inspector, inspect this (farts into the phone)!….end of messages.”
Inspector G: “Honestly I can’t seem to figure out why we meet in these places. I feel uncomfortable here especially. Gymboree? You’re an odd man. AND you were drunk last night.”
Keyes: “Yes, I was. I wanna give a huge shout out to Belinda Dobbs and the whole crew at Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas for setting me up nicely and not calling the cops when I puked in the salad bar. But, moving on…
The dawgs have a tough test this week. So many variables. So many possible pitfalls. Yet so much opportunity to have their first beat-down of a team all year. Yep, you heard me right. If some cards fall early for the dawgs and they control the turnovers on offense, I think they are poised for a rout of the Tennessee
Volunteers Road-side workers.
Let’s start with the offense. This group has not been stellar, but has been efficient. Lately, points have come early yet efficiently. I know everyone is worried about Murray and the turnovers, but he still is 17th nationally in passer efficiency and is on pace to throw more touchdowns than last year. I know the turnovers hurt, but all you can really do is trust one of the best QB’s in the Nation to lead the offense down the field. Also, it is just a matter of time until Crowell starts breaking them off: 30+ yards TD runs. He was super close last week and honestly, with that much talent and the amount of carries he has been getting, you shouldn’t be surprised. UGA’s offense is much better than UT’s defense. Scores SHOULD come often.
Defense, well, here is the biggest key lies. Yes, they have been playing lights out the past tow weeks, but the threat level midnight of this UT offense is much greater with Bray and Da’Rick than what the dawgs have faced since Boise. With that being said, the defense has been tested and has so far come away much improved, disciplined, and more solid from last year. Grantham has been getting pressure without having to dial-up exotic blitzes which has left our secondary to really cover without being undermanned. Washington being out does hurt. But hey, when a door closes….welcome to the show, Ray Drew. I really can’t say enough about the improved secondary play and I’m really interested to see how Commings, Boykin, Rambo, Smith, and Williams do against Tennessee’s
all-world mildly overrated receiving corps. If they can cover well, get a couple of early picks, count this game up to a circa 2005 style beat-down. If not, I hope the offense can play enough mistake-free ball to put it away.
Special Teams: Yeah, Walsh (again) still seems to have the shanks, but I’ll bet he might have received some tips from ol’ Kevin Butler. Let’s see if he can pull out of it. Speaking of Kevin, his son continues to punt with great effectiveness and it will be called upon again this game to continue. One more thing: Boykin is due. He has been several shoe string tackles away from breaking several. Here’s to the hope that they kick it to him.
Ok, now it’s time to go play in the ball pit!”
Inspector G: “Well at least I didn’t have to remind you about what this interview was about this time.”
Keyes: “Ok, who farted? Was it you?”
*Note: My one wish in the game (besides a victory) is to see Da’rick Rogers come over on a crossing route, catch it, be devastatingly hit by Rambo to which the ball comes loose, and Sanders Commings picking it into that checked bullshit end-zone.
Who’s the man with the master plan? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man who will say you can (even if you can’t)? Alan…..Keyes! Who’s the man that takes too much time on Hardball with Chris Matthews to fully answer a question leading Chris to swap it back over to Harry Bellafonte? Alan…..Keyes! Here he is ladies and gentlemen! The legend, the myth, the greatest non Senator that ever lived! The 1998 Junior Leader’s Of America Sponsor Winner of the Annual Meeting Hotdog Eating Contest and Tire Roll, our friend, Mr. Alan ‘Don’t Call Me Babydoll’ Keyes!!!
Inspector G: You’re late
Keyes: It’s a relative term.
Inspector G: I’ve been waiting in front of this Build-a-Bear for 2 hours. I’ve seen more spoiled kids and MILFs than Tom Brady in his child’s car pool. You need to start requesting more normal meeting places.
Keyes: You don’t talk to the talent that way. You know, Obama talked to me like that and you know what happened to him…
Inspector G: Yeah, he beat you. He also became President, a pretty crappy one, but nevertheless.
Keyes: Well, we need a new contract with America. More jobs, less taxes, you know….progress. I’ve laid out this 43 step plan to reduce the deficit…
Inspector G: For God’s sake, on with it!
Keyes: I tell you. Was I right about everything but the score last week, or was I right? I WAS RIGHT. Almost spot on. This week is a little more puzzling. A little more complex, if you will. On one hand, UGA has better talent. One the other, that hasn’t always worked out for the Dawgs. I have 3 keys for the dawgs: Short Passing game to lure in a big play, keep Relf in the pocket and let him throw (no cheap first downs), and improve on special teams.
La Tech shredded…I mean absolutely shredded Miss St with the short passing game by a quarterback who can’t even vote for me (he really was 17). You know the Miss St Fake Bulldogs D wont allow that for long here and will be forced to ‘cheat up’ and abandon the zone with a variation of a zone/man/robber allowing a one-on-one matchup with King or Mitchell and if Murray can land the pass….oh baby! The running game should do well and I expect Crowell to finally have that brutal cut to send him on a 40 plus yard TD run. I also like the backs getting some passes thrown out of the backfield. This has been money all year, keep using it. And if UGA doesn’t involve the TEs, it will be a tough one tomorrow.
Relf has not been
a world beater better than subpar in the passing game all year. As a result, if we can contain him in the pocket, make correct reads in the option, I see a couple of picks, a sack or two, and a lot of 3rd and longs. If not, this could be a long day. Mullen has been kinda pissed with his O’s performance and has probably cooked up what he belives is a fine crawfish dinner, but so has Grantham. I’m actually really excited about that mind match-up.
Special teams: Let’s just hope Walsh got laid this week.
Inspector G: That’s it?
Keyes: Yep, I wanna go make a Build-a-bear.
Inspector G: OK, well GO Dawgs!
Again brought to you by none other than the man himself, no 62 In the East Illinois State Fighting June Bugs circa 1968 program and no 1 in your hearts, the savior of brothers in conservative altruism…without further adieu: Mr. Alan Keyes!
Inspector G: So welcome back, Alan…
Keyes: Good to be here, Inspector….good to be here…I tell ya what. This crank Obama. He is seriously using bridges for props now? Shovel Ready? What does that even mean? I know that…
Inspector G: Sir, you do realize this is a Sports site, right?
Keyes: Of course I do. Who do you think I am? Anthony Weiner? Some pale faced fool without the chops?
Inspector G: No sir. Just give me your ‘keyes’ to the game so I can get the hell out of this Chinese Buffet. I find it rather appauling you insisted on meeting here.
Keyes: Look, this Moo Goo Gai Pan is the shiat. Hold on a sec…waiter! (Snaps fingers) Waiter?! (shakes empty glass with ice and a young man of oriental descent approaches). Look here, (while doing some weird hand motions and speaking to the waiter in a typical American assholish manner) Youuu make meee crab rangooonsss? (The waiter simply answers, with no accent, ‘Sure. I’ll be right back.) Hmm..that guy apparently spoke engrish….hahaha.
Anyways Inspector, I’ll get to the point. This Georgia team has been a confusing one to say the least. We have that debacle in the Dome. Then turn around and have a good showing against a very legit South Carolina team. It could’ve been great but we couldn’t take care of the ball. I honestly see a lot of promise in this team. I wont go on record to say they will be world beaters by the end of the season, but they might. This game really shouldn’t tell us too much overall (unless they lose). I’m kinda expecting a blowout, actually.
Here’s how they’ll do it: A very balanced attack on offense. I know that is kind of cliche when speaking of the offense lately, but I really feel that this will be one of those game where we will have 240 passing yards 200 rushing yards and score 42-48 points. I see Crowell getting the call for the corner several times early and if we can just slow down their OLB’s he should be off to the races. I can also see Murray letting it rip. He’s been above average this year, but not stellar. I think this game is primed for him to become that QB we all wanted to see.
Look, Ole Miss Rebel Hottie Bear Admiral Ackbars took one in the mouth last week against Vandy. They may be playing for the Nuttsters job, but whose to say the underclassmen even want him there anymore. He’s like Les Miles Lite: All the calories, half the flavor. I think this team is fragile and on the brink. This is quite an advantage for the dawgs in my opinion and I think they are just the team to push them off the ledge.
For the defense I anticipate another above average game. Maybe a turnover mid-way through, but I don’t see the defense pick 6-ing like Vandy did. Why you ask? Because poor QB play for the opposing team doesn’t seem to ever be the norm for UGA since Reggie Ball left Tech. I see very strong showings on third downs, as has been the case all year. But where I’m prediciting something new is in the sack department. This Quarterback Ole Miss has is
screwed up mind fucked after last weeks debacle. After throwing so many picks last week, he will be uber prone to hold hold hold onto the ball versus throwing it into the grasp of our safeties. I predict 6 sacks for the game a la a corner blitz, jones blitz, and John Jenkins bone crusher bullrush.
So there ya go.
Inspector G: Well, thanks Alan. That was great. Appreciate you taking the…
Keyes: Now for something super special: my talking points for meet the press tonight…
Inspector G: OK, cut.