I Got 600 Suits

Your 2012 SEC team as a childhood wrestler

Today, HailToThee brings to you all of your SEC brethren as a classic wrestler. And by classic, we mean those dirtbag, steroid-infused coke head wrestlers from the 80’s and 90’s.

In no particular order, here we go…

South Carolina

Lucha libre and cockfighting go hand-in-hand, therefore it only makes sense that South Carolina is the La Parka of the SEC. Like the ‘cocks, La Parka was just sort of there, not winning any championships. Ever.

Alabama

Taste it, bro. Just the cheese.

Yokozuna sounds about right here. He was hated by anyone not a Yokozuna fan, and he took the conservative approach, just like the Crimson Tide, by merely sitting on his opponent. Imagine the smell! This 600-pound fat fuck was basically unbeatable in his prime. But eventually he died.

Tennessee

Fact: We’ve seen one of these in Knoxville. We’re talking about trannies, here.

Tennessee is Hillbilly Jim. There is no need to explain this nor can it be refuted.

Auburn

“How about you hold one half of the scissors so it reiterates how close we are bro.”

Little brother syndrome? Brutus Beefcake, come on down! Not too fast now, you don’t want to step out of the Hulkster’s shadow!

Both Mississippi Schools

What’s going on with those inner thigh regions?

Fattest state? Fattest tag-team! The Natural Disasters are a perfect fit here. If the Egg Bowl were really a match between these two behemoths, it would look like two sacks of potatoes trying to have sex with each other. No one here wants to see that.

Georgia

It’s the fucking ENFORCER to you, son!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Because Georgia is the most American school in the country. Plus, he looks like someone from the Macon-Warner Robins area. Goldberg would be most people’s logical choice, but we’re not very rational here.

Florida

This version…

Florida, you are Razor Ramon. However, you’re not the suave, Scarface-type Razor Ramon with all of the slick promo videos prowling the STD-riddled beaches of Miami. You’re the overweight, alcoholic with cirrhosis who wears 3XL button-up silk shirts paired with a nice set of black denim jorts.


Not this version.

Vanderbilt

Vandy, you are Virgil.

Missouri

We don’t really know anything about Missouri except that Gary Pinkel likes to get tanked off of skunked Miller High Life at the local Applebee’s and then go cruising. At first, Stone Cold Steve Austin comes to mind because of this insatiable thirst for terrible beer, but there’s no fucking way Missouri is that cool, so they get relegated down a few notches to Jake “the Snake” Roberts, a true alcoholic. Also, not really a threat unless a poisonous reptile is present.

Texas A&M

$5 to touch it, $10 for me to touch yours

The Aggies would be Shawn Michaels had he never exploded in popularity in the early 90’s. Just your everyday dude running around with a feathered out dirty blonde mullet.

Kentucky

Would not hit.

Poor ol’ UK, just plain terrible as of late, isn’t really good enough at football to warrant a male wrestler alias, so we’re going with Luna Vachon here. Kentucky would be beastly in the women’s division!

LSU

The Canadian Crippler is the choice that makes sense to us. Chris Beniot, like LSU, is volatile and unpredictable. Les Miles is one frustrating upset loss to a 2-10 team away from Crippler Crossfacing his entire family to death.

Arkansas

Cum in me bro! I mean… come at me bro!

Bobby Petrino would love to have a fling with this little lady… and this little lady is Goldust. Shhh, don’t pay any attention to what was poking you in the back on that motorcycle ride. Was it as magical for you as it was for me?

Summer Lovin’: Hailtothee.com’s Speed Coach Turns Activist…and Other UGA Preseason Developments…

Now, That’s A Spicy Chicken Biscuit: Hailtothee’s own Nicholas Davis and Scooter in a sweet moment of mayonnaise and pickle bliss!

 

So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis.  Maybe you don’t.  Here is an update to refresh your memory.

We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job.  What is he good at?  Who knows.  I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.

We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason.  So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect)  “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right?  I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”.  He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’.  He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work.  He should have known better.  You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.

So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)

“Ok may-yan.  Here is the deal.  We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball.  Let’s start with the DEFENSE.  Oh yeah!  Kickin’ names and takin’ ass!  Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks.  This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long.  Get Ready!  But, there is another.  Yes, another.  Just like in Star Wars.  He is also a JJ.  Jordan Jenkins that is.  He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.

Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok.  I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,

Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good.  It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason.  With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games.  But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.

Our running back situation is just like this:

That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile.  No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it.  Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.

Receivers look good.  Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.

Special teams?  Are you kidding?  After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:

You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.

So we now have a freshman punter and kicker.  Ehhh…we should be fine.

There you have it. ”

Well, here we are my friends.  Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.

-Inspector G

 

Welcome Back!

La la ladies and Gentleman!  Welcome to the show.  It’s a week before gameday kickoff 2012 and you know what that means: HTT is back!  We’re here because we want to be here.  We’re here because the chicks dig it.  We’re here because no one else has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.

And there you have it folks.  Our new slogan: “Hey, we’re just saying what everyone else is thinking…”

This year there will be some of your favorites: my analysis, Captain’s whimsical innappropriateness, Jedi’s new bag (since breaking in his HTT cherry last year).  Oh yeah, you’re favorite characters will be back as well: Kenny Rogers, Alan Keyes, The Macho Man…who knows, we may be adding some more.

Remember, we do this for fun and we do it for all of you who take the time to click here.  We appreciate you.

Season starts in 10 days.  Prepare your anus.

-Inspector G

Taking Care of Business…

Two Simple Words: Go Dawgs!

 

Maybe you wanted a ‘Keyes to the Game’?  Maybe you wanted a post that linked the best breakdowns in the Dawg Nation Blog Roll.  Well today, you just get me, Inspector G.  Alone with my thoughts….delivering to you the most honest blue-print for success for UGA on Saturday.  You may not agree and that’s ok.

I sit here at Midnight on the Eve of this game wondering about our chances.  Hell, who hasn’t had a post this week about this game?  Blutarsky (as usual) has pinned exactly all of my thoughts before I could even write them.  The Georgia Sports Blog has even seen some Paul Westerdawg gems.  Facebook has been riddled with so many posts about this game, it’s about to shut down and here is this little ‘ole blog quietly relishing getting picked up by the dawgbone.net that has led to the most hits we’ve ever had in a month.  For that we thank you.  Yay!  (not so quiet anymore, huh?) But, back to business…

How many times have you heard this all week, “Well, LSU is the most dominant team in the country.  They’re in the BCS Championship win or lose.  However, who is UGA to summon up the nuts enough to play?  How does UGA even prepare for LSU?  They’re too fast.  Too strong.  Too good.  UGA is just another walk in the park for them.”  Huh?  You’ve heard that?  So have I.  Surprisingly, there are a few little pockets of the contrary out there (outside of the UGA blog rolls) that have actually given UGA a punchers chance.

To be honest, I still don’t know exactly what to think about this game yet.  On one hand, we are playing a team that I have watched no less than 6 times this year and I can say that this team would wipe the floor with ’06 Florida and ’10 Auburn.  They are vicious, ruthless, unrelenting, poised, talented, and are well coached.  What are we?

What are we, seriously?  Are we a team that has improved constantly to a point where we are actually playing our best ball right now?  Or are we, as most pundits pointed out, the recipients of the Miss Congeniality Award bestowed upon the SEC Team with the weakest schedule?  I can answer that second question for sure: HELL NO.  UGA has played 4 ranked teams.  Lost to 2 top 10 teams and beat two top 20 teams.  The team hasn’t backed in to shit…

What do we have to do to win?  The question of the week.  Maybe the question of the year.  Here is my list of what we have to do and why…

Offense:

1) Be patient, but take risks.  Conflicting views?  Maybe, but what I mean by this is that the last time we played a team of this caliber, we tried to force so many things we didn’t have to…talkin about Boise.  We know what we do well and there is no reason why we should come out and immediately do a double reverse pass back toss flea-flicker throwdown.  Although a couple of well-timed trick-plays would be nice.

2) Make them have an answer for Orson.  No team has really had an answer for him all year.  Let’s see just how good Orson (or the LSU linebackers/DB’s) can be.  He may be the best TE in the country, try him a couple of times and see what happens.

3) Receivers play smarter.  Look, our freshmen “Triumvirate of Awesomeness” (Bennett, Mithcell, Conley) are good.  But, they are not going to out-athlete LSU’s DB’s.  They have to play smart and key on what they are giving us (just like those cut off routes against Auburn).  Don’t over do it.  Run clean routes and anticipate Murray having to scramble and hit you on an impromptu.

4) OL has to have their best game. Ever. In the History of Best Games.  You know why.  Everyone knows why.

5) Key on their aggressiveness.  The 6 times I’ve watched LSU they have played so aggressive in the secondary.  They feed on that aggressiveness.  Burn them with it.  If 3 and 4 are coming true and they start jumping routes, punish them with a pump and go.  Punish them with a screen.

6) Crowell/Malcome/Thomas do not have to carry the team on their shoulders.  Just be somewhat efficient.  If Crowell especially can get a few nice gains early, the play action will be much more effective.

7) Murray has to have his best game.  There has been much talk about Murray’s Nostradamus-esque prediction that UGA would be back to the dome. He’s a winner and leads those around him with poise, drive, and tenacity.  Now, he just has to be accurate.  You and I both know what happens when he gets pressured early: the footwork begins to weaken and the throws are all over the place. If he can trust Ben Jones and Co, it may get dangerous out there.

 

DEFENSE

1) Stop the run with pure athleticism.  And you’re all going “well no shit, Sherlock”…but wait.  WITH PURE ATHLETICISM?  Big John Jenkins, Geathers, Abry Jones, and Garrison Smith showed last week (and all year) they can take over a game and do some work.  LSU’s offense is not this juggernaut of excellence that everyone continues to say (and yes, I know there is a point to be made about their toughness, but I’m not buying it).  Get the penetration, make them stretch to the perimeter, and pass.

2) If no 1 comes true, then continue to force them to pass.  Let Jefferson put the entire game on his shoulders and he WILL crumble.  He will make a mistake or 3.

3) Stop that bullshit option thing they do and that inside give handoff.  They run this a ton, with lots of success.  Ask Alabama.  I don’t know how you could every time except play disciplined and man the f up.

4) Watch for the Mad Hatterness.  Don’t doubt for a second, at any point in the game, he wont run a double reverse pass back toss flea-flicker throwdown 3 plays in a row…with the Honey Badger….ridin’ a Zebra.

5) Force at least 2 turnovers.  I don’t know how or when, but if we can force 2 turnovers….mmmm…it would be beyond huge.

6) Jarvis Jones, introduce yourself to Jordan “Semper Fidelis” Jefferson early and often.

6) Don’t let up.  If they get up on us early, hunker it down and keep us in it.  If any unit on our side can, it is the Defense.  Save our asses if you have to.  If you don’t, it’s over and over quickly.

 

SPECIAL TEAMS

1) No mistakes. This includes a) missing field goals under 51 yards b) muffing a punt c) shanking a punt d) out kickin our coverage e) missing coverage assignments f) getting our punts blocked g) fumbling on a kickoff.

2) Basically our special teams have to be perfect.  Time and time again LSU has absolutely taken over a game with their special teams.  Fake punts, punt returns, etc…they GOOD.  If we can’t be perfect, we will probably lose.  Look, its honest, right?  I mean we’re not gonna just walk out there and win against the no 1 team in the land.

 

OVERALL TEAM

1) I know the guys aren’t scared, so come out loose.  Have some fun.  And feed off of each other.  We’ve seen it in the Auburn and Tech games.  We really took those over and everyone got involved: from Jarvis Jones to Zander Ogletree.

2) When they hit us (and they will) hit them right back.  Straight in the mouth.  This team hasn’t backed in to shit.  We are on the 10 game winning streak.  That is no fluke, especially in this league.  Play like you belong, because regardless of what Mark ‘I hate UGA’ May says, YOU DO.

 

I know this was long, but it is how I would plan around this team.  We have to pretty much do all of these to be successful tomorrow.  It is a tall order, but achievable.  Lady Luck’s tender caress won’t hurt either.  We will not be able to beat LSU unless we play our best game of the year, on all sides of the ball.  Period.

Larry, if you’re up there, see if you can send a couple of hobnail boots and see if we can’t just pull one more miracle out.  Just for you, old pal.  Just for you.

See you at the game.  Yellow lot.

Go Dawgs!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=twD4vTjZ1tQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=KBgh366drDs

-Inspector G

 

 

Pre-Season Myths / Current Season Realities

First off, sorry for the lack of posts.  Life happens.

I wanted to visit a couple of the pre-season outlooks that the Bulldawg Nation (and the Sports Nation in general) had for the team this year and compare them to what we’re experiencing now.

Myth No 1: UGA’s Passing Attack will be mediocre without AJ Green.

Reality: Yes, he was the most dominant player at his position in the Nation (and what a hell of a rookie season he’s having as well), but the passing attack has been spread around between TK and 3 other stellar Freshmen (Conley, Bennett, and Mitchell) which in my opinion makes it more lethal.  This can be seen through Murray’s stats: 2284 yards / 27 TDs / 8 INT.

 

Myth No 2:  Strength and conditioning changes were not good enough.

Reality:  Last scoring drive against Auburn last week.  All runs, getting 8 yards a clip.  Defense then holds all game.  You tell me…

 

Myth No 3: Fire Mike Bobo

Reality: Murray breaks single season TD passing record (passing UGA awesomeness Guru and Uber Hetero-Sexual Heart-throb Matthew Stafford). We will have a 1,000 yard rusher (Crowell, barring injury) by the end of the season.  Crowell is the 3rd leading rusher in the SEC, behind only Trent Richardson and Michael Dyer.  Murray leads in TDs and efficiency in the Conference.  Really?   I blame Bobo for all of this awfulness.

 

Myth No 4: Fire Richt

Reality: Not a Goddamned one of you who called for his head better be cheering or savoring a visit to the SEC Championship Game (if we get there, but we should) or in some strange twist of fate we win the SEC CG, not a peep.  Just update your facebook status with “Fire Richt”.

 

That is all.

-Inspector G

‘Keyes’ to the Game: Dandy Vandy Edition

K- Keeping

E- Errbody

Y -Young

E- ‘En

S-Sexy

God Damn Right, I Love The Grand 'Ole Opry!

As I walk up the Bob’s Country Bunker in Nashville, TN I see this man taking tickets at the door.  He is just singing the praises of the singer they have tonight.  I look back at the sign which reads: “AK47 and the Hoochie Coochie Dip Spitting Pistol Whippin’ Ghetto Cheerleaders”.  I thought to myself, “What in the hell has Alan got me into this time?  What is this? Rap night?”.

Bob's Country Bunker Circa 1978

I walk into Bob’s Country Bunker, and lo and behold, there is Alan Keyes singing George Straight’s classic hit, “You Better Baby Your Baby.”  His back-up singers consisted of 1 black girl, 1 indian girl, and one white tranny (who had the best voice of them all if I’m being honest).  It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  The following transcript is what occured right after that song ended:

Keyes: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you! Thank you!  We’re taking a break and we’ll be right back…

*We exit into a back room that honestly reminded me of a rape portal*

Inspector G: “So what to you have for me this week, Keyes?”

Keyes: “Well, well, well….isn’t it awful to know I’m right and you’re wrong?”

Inspector G: “What are you doing?  You going ‘nanna nanna boo-boo’ on me right now?  For real?  Besides, I’ve been quite fond of your ‘Keyes’ to the game and have talked you up.”

Keyes: “Ha!  I hear that.  I also heard you actually half-way convinced some chick at Amici in Athens that these little chats we have were, in fact, real.”

Inspector G: “I know of the woman of which you speak.  There is a possibility that this is true.”

Keyes: “Well, anyways here are my Keys To The Game:  As you know, UGA’s offense (and its coordinator) have been heavily scrutinized as of late for their underwhelming do-what-you-need-to-win-and-keep-the-points-differential-within-2-scores mantra.  I think some fans and pundits need to take a step back and remember that there is no reason to push things down the field so much and score 50+ a game when your defense is manhandling absolutely monkey-stomping the fuck out of the opposition and leaving the wounded behind.

In such a scenario, there is no need to ‘go deep’ all the time, sustain short quick scoring drives for points that may or may not yield enough risk/reward for the cause.  Look, Bobo called the deep shots several times, but Murray only hit on 2.  And that’s ok.  The point is to use up as much clock as possible and then that time on the scoreboard represents just as much of an enemy as a 20 point lead (although that, just for once, would be nice).  I look for the offense to continue running the ball, setting up play action for a couple of deep balls.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Murray will connect on a few and Vandy will be out of this game before they can get a touchdown on offense (which if you’ve been paying attention, their TD’s come FEW and VERY FAR between).  I see Crowell getting the bulk of the carries in the first half, hopefully racking up close to a hundred and a score, then resting him for Samuel and Thomas.  We need him 110% for Florida, you know.

As for the Defense: I shall sum this up in one picture and one only:

UGA=Goldberg, Vandy Offense=Asshat Schmuck

Special teams: Punt, Kick, Field, Return.  No fumbles, no shanks, no muffs.  NO BLOCKS IN THE BACKS.  Blake Sailors for president.

That is all.  It’s time to go back to my set.  I’ll dedicate this one to you…

Inspector G: Really guy?  Really?

Go Dawgs!

-Inspector G