gambler

THE GAMBLER, week one

Well, well, well… look who’s back… it’s the original Dirk Diggler himself, Kenny “Goat Nuts” Rogers.

After a long and desolate off-season, we’re back with Kenny’s gamblin’ picks. These picks arrived at the HTT headquarters early this morning via Kenny’s trusted carrier pigeon, Buford. They’re fresh out of Vegas, where Kenny is currently calling home. He’s sent us a few “souvenirs” over the course of the summer, but they hardly classify as such; seeing as a used condom sprinkled with cocaine and an empty bottle of El Toro are hardly mantle-worthy.

Anyways, enough with the babble about Kenny’s inner demons and onto his picks!

How bad do you wanna see it, baby?

Howdy folks, Kenny here. Let us put my past years’ picks in the rear view mirror and start with a clean slate. Sometimes, the world of sports doesn’t agree with my picks, but what can a man do?

N.C. STATE +3.5 over TENNESSEE (Neutral site)
This Friday night matchup showcases a Wolfpack team with potential to make some noise in the ACC Atlantic division assuming that FSU and Clemson will shit the bed per usual, and a thugged out and overrated Vol squad. NC State was previously favored in this game, and I have no clue why that changed, especially with the departure of Da’Rick Rogers. NC State returns most of its 2011 team in tact, minus all three starting linebackers. They were totally different teams if you look at first half vs. second half, but if you’re a believer in momentum being carried into the next season, then NC State is your pick. Realistically, there are only three “gimme” games on the Tennessee schedule. You can bet that Baby Dooley would be out the door in a second if that came to fruition, further fueling the dumpster fire that is the Tennessee football program lately.

Furthermore, I cannot in good conscience trust in a man with a tattoo like the one below.

not sure if serious…

(24) BOISE STATE +7 over (13) @MICHIGAN STATE
I’m sticking with the upset trend on this one. Michigan State has one of the most talented and deepest linebacking corps in the nation, but like Boise State, they’re breaking in a new QB.

@PENN STATE -6 over OHIO
This one is about as risky as sending the grandkids over to Sandusky for a conjugal visit. Penn State might wanna go ahead and slip on down to DII for a while.

LORD I WAS BORN A NAMBLIN’ MANNNN

MIAMI -2 over @BOSTON COLLEGE
LOL @ Miami only being favored by two over BC.

AUBURN +3.5 over (14) CLEMSON (Neutral site)
SO MUCH FUCKING ORANGE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

so inspiring…

@ (1) LSU -43 over NORTH TEXAS
LSU has won the last three games against the Mean Green by a combined score of 149-6. I think this one is a safe bet.

(2) ALABAMA -14 over (8) MICHIGAN (Neutral site)
Intriguing game here between the SEC’s best and the Big10’s best. Both teams are hoping to be in the MNC game conversation, but one of them will likely bow out of those talks after Saturday night. And by bow out I mean that Alabama is going to forcefully, and sexually, make the Wolverines to do things that no psychiatrist will ever be able to fix. Michigan and Denard Robinson rely heavily on big offensive plays, and Kirby Smart Nick Saban is really fucking good at not letting that happen. One of these has to give.

@ (16) VIRGINIA TECH -7.5 over GEORGIA TECH
Logan Thomas is Cam Newton without the drama and smarmyness and he will have a heyday with the Al Groh-led Yellow Jacket defense. And yes, Al Groh is still alive but he is at that stage where his diaper needs to be changed on the sidelines about 4-5 times per game.

@ (6) GEORGIA -38 over BUFFALO
I mean, seriously, it’s Buffalo. Plus the field is pretty.

THE GAMBLER, CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION

The Gambler is back with his week 14 picks including the meaningful conference championship games. Saddle up but don’t put any real, actual cash on these picks because ol’ Kenny went a dismal 5-5 in his most recent choices. Shame on you, you old bearded bastard.

SOUTH FLORIDA +2.5 vs. #23 WEST VIRGINIA
LOL @ Big East.

HOLGO MAD

#9 OREGON -31.5 vs. UCLA
Beautiful Ricky Neuheisel is asking for your thoughts and prayers in this one because it’s going to be a SACRIFICIAL BLOOD BATH. UCLA is scoring (23.2 ppg) less points per game than it is giving up (30.8 ppg). That’s all you need to know. Nothing to see here move along, folks.

MACHO MADNESS RETURNS BROTHER

#17 BAYLOR -2.5 vs. #22 TEXAS
Texas is driving that overrated train off into Failville. Auburn and Florida are already there.

#3 OKLAHOMA STATE -3.5 vs. #10 OKLAHOMA
Just like Baylor ended its losing streak against the Sooners, so will Oklahoma State. Both of these teams committed uncharacteristic turnovers in their most recent games (both being against Iowa State… lol) with the lone loss for OSU coming in said game. OSU has a slight offensive edge and OU has the defensive edge, but this game is in Stillwater and Mike Gundy is less of a douchebag than Big Game Bob.

#13 MICHIGAN STATE +9.5 vs. #15 WISCONSIN
I think Wisky wins the rematch here but I’m not seeing where the 9+ points come from as the last meeting was so close. MSU’s defense forced 2 Russell Wilson INTs (out of 3 for the season) so it would be lucky for the Spartans to catch that kind of break again. Both teams are playing pretty well right now and one of them is going to end the other’s 4-game winning streak.

#5 VIRGINIA TECH -6.5 vs. #20 CLEMSON
Clemson’s downward spiral into Tommybowdendom continues this week as it looks to lose its 4th out of its previous 5 contests after starting out 8-0. With embarrassing losses to NC State and South Carolina over the last two weeks, they’ve appeared to have lost that it factor that they had early on. The Hokies couldn’t muster up much on offense in the first meeting between these two which left Clemson with good field position for nearly the entire game. Since then, however, Thomas and Wilson have emerged as dangerous and consistent while Boyd has regressed due to defenses picking up on his tendencies.

Packed the fuck out!

#14 GEORGIA +13.5 vs. #1 LSU
Not putting on the red homer glasses and filling myself with false hope here, but there certainly are many reasons to be optimistic as a Georgia fan, both defensively and offensively. In looking at only the six common opponents that both teams have faced this season, Georgia has held its own compared to LSU when it comes to yards gained and yielded. The big difference, however, has generally been the scores. LSU averaged a 38.3 – 7.3 score while the Bulldogs kept it a bit closer with a 26.5 – 12 average. This is the result of LSU being really damn good at finding all of that hidden yardage. If Georgia doesn’t punch itself in the face with poor ball control and lackluster special teams play, then LSU had better watch out for its cornhole, bud.

Common opponents comparison

I leave you with this.

And Go Dawgs.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 12

The 2011 college football season is winding down before our very eyes and Kenny Rogers is still COMIN’ AT YOU BRO with his weekly spread picks. Kenny went a meh 5-4-1 in last week’s picks so you’re probably better off not putting real, actual money on these picks, as it’s about as risky as hooking up with Magic Johnson. It’s slim pickin’s on the good matchups this week and instead we get a shit load of SEC vs. FCS games (LSU vs. Ole Miss included) and other Tom Foolery.

#16 NEBRASKA +3.5 vs. #18 MICHIGAN
This one is basically an elimination game in the Big 10 Legends (lol) Division. Both teams come in with identical 8-2 (4-2) records but trail Michigan State (5-1 B10) for the division lead. This one is a tough pick that truly could go either way since both of these teams are not very consistent on a week-to-week basis. Denard Robinson is playing with a sprained right wrist so Big Red gets the nod. Also, Bo Pelini threatened my family with a toothbrush whittled into a prison shank.

#17 WISCONSIN -14 vs. ILLINOIS
Because Ron Zook doesn’t give a shit anymore, that’s why.

#6 ARKANSAS -13 vs. MISSISSIPPI STATE
Mississippi State has a defense that can give any offense some fits as they’ve held LSU, Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama well below their season averages. On the flip side, their offense couldn’t score even if it managed to bring home a blacked out trainwreck of a whore from The Loft on Clayton Street after force-feeding her a shit ton of vodka Red Bulls.

This might happen again

N.C. STATE +7.5 vs. #7 CLEMSON
The Clemson nose-dive starts this weekend against a shitty NC State team that should lose this one, but is 4-1 in Raleigh. Comments from Clemson players about this game all end up being about the game against South Carolina next week… hmm… looking ahead? The collective pot of luck for Tiger teams is starting to run out (see: Auburn & Missouri).

#21 PENN STATE +6.5 vs. OHIO STATE
Watching the offenses in this game is going to be like watching sloths mate – slow, methodical, and a 50-50 chance of either participant staying awake long enough to finish.

OLE MISS +30 vs. #1 LSU
Congrats Houston Nutt! Your final home game in Oxford is against the #1 team in all the land! Somehow, Coach Giggity is 2-1 against LSU during his Ole Miss tenure but this one should level him out to .500. The only reason LSU doesn’t cover here is because of the looming matchup against#6 Arkansas.

#22 BAYLOR +15 vs. #5 OKLAHOMA
Another case of looking ahead to a huge season-defining game for Oklahoma. OU is 20-0 all time (!) against Baylor so don’t expect Baylor to pull out the upset, but then again don’t count on an OU blowout, either. Landry Jones is still MIA searching for his truck wheels.

USC +14.5 vs. #4 OREGON
USC is one of those sneaky teams that may or may not show up to play, depending on how long Monte has Lane in timeout. The Trojans have the talent, and more importantly, speed, on defense to keep the Oregon offense in check. This one is being called “the Matt Barkley coming out game”. Coming out of what, exactly? The closet? USC will likely need some young receivers to show up big time with Robert Woods questionable status.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -26.5 vs. IOWA STATE
This one is here as an excuse to use the following GIF of Paul Rhoads rocking the fuck out to some Nickelback.

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRURFFF ERRRR TIME I LOOK IT MAKES ME LURFFFFF

#14 GEORGIA -30.5 vs. KENTUCKY
Kentucky brings its 118th ranked total LOLffense to Athens in an attempt to gain a single yard against the nation’s #4 total defense of Georgia. Coach Richt has this team completely focused on the Wildcats because Georgia Tech isn’t good enough to warrant looking ahead to. Also, the team knows what happens if they’re caught with their pants down in this game. The Bulldogs will score enough points in the first quarter to win this one and prolong Joker Phillips’ losing streak in road SEC contests. Hop on board, Kentucky! There are no brakes on the RAPE TRAIN.

“The first thing (Sanders) said to me in film (study of Georgia) was ‘Max, throw it fast,’” Maxwell Smith said.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 11

It’s that time again kiddos for Kenny Fuckin’ Rogers’ college football notable picks. There are some good games on the docket for this week and also Kenny would like to send a BIG F YOU to Vegas in celebration of his 7-3 record in week 9’s picks. Kenny Fed-Ex’d in his picks today all the way from College Station, PA, where he is disguised as a student and is partaking in the rioting and other debauchery going on in that part of the world.

#19 NEBRASKA -3.5 vs. #12 PENN STATE
Gonna go ahead and get this obvious one outta the way here. There is no way that Penn State wins this game with all of the distractions that have been bombarding the team over these past few days. Nebraska rolls into College Station in FULL BLOWN RAGE MODE after losing 28-25 at home to powerhouse Northwestern (!). Not to mention Penn State’s awful 21.7 PPG (aka 100th ranked) scoring offense. Godspeed sweet JoePa.

GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE

#7 OREGON +3.5 vs. #4 STANFORD
In the Pac-12 there are these two and then there is everyone else. And by everyone else we mean a short bus full of AIDS with Lane Kiffin in the driver’s seat. It also appears that Andrew Luck has shaved his beard for the Oregon game and we all know Magic Johnson was never the same after he shaved his. Tsk tsk.

Just in case any of you weirdos want your own Andrew Luck beard.

FLORIDA +3 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
It’s about that time of the year when the Gamecocks somehow turn a 7-1 season into a 7-5 season. Don’t bet against history, folks. On the flip side, however, Florida has lost 8 straight against ranked teams. Excuse me, please remove that spotlight from Aaron Murray, sir.

#2 OKLAHOMA STATE -17 vs. TEXAS TECH
Just arbitrarily picking against Tuberville’s ears.

IOWA +2.5 vs. #17 MICHIGAN STATE
Just another one of those Big 10 roulette games where literally anyone can win. This one will probably be decided by a field goal echoing the excitement of the following clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsPNt6uBxBE

#5 BOISE STATE -15 vs. TCU
Outside of the opener against Georgia, Boise’s schedule has rapidly evolved into a crusty white piece of dog shit. DOG. SHIT. TCU is a long way removed from the team that upset Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl last year so don’t expect any additional love in the polls for the Broncos. Besides, even if TCU were ranked, would anyone still give Boise much credit for beating just another non-AQ team anyway?

#8 ARKANSAS -14 vs. TENNESSEE
A Tennessee loss here likely sends the Vols home for the holidays as upcoming Vandy and Kentucky are not gimmes for this year’s Volunteers. I was rooting for Arkansas last week because it meant a loss for South Carolina, but now there is no more reason to ever root for that beady-eyed manlet Petrino. With that being said, Arky crushes UT.

#1 LSU -41.5 vs. WESTERN KENTUCKY
The collective head of all college football fans would explode if LSU fucked this one up.

MISSISSIPPI STATE +17 vs. #3 ALABAMA
Not sure how Alabama reacts after the heartbreaking loss last weekend. Let’s just hope this one doesn’t go into OT also, for the sake of not having to listen to Nick Saban whine about college football’s OT rules (wtf?).

#15 GEORGIA -12 vs. #20 AUBURN
Auburn is coming off of a bye week but as it’s been proven in the past in the SEC, that literally means nothing. The tune-up that Georgia got last week was much more productive than a bye week ever could be so you can reasonably expect the Dawgs to roll tomorrow afternoon, as long as the mental miscues and special teams problems are absent. This is going to be an exciting game with an electric atmosphere emanating from Sanford Stadium so don’t miss it.

this has nothing to do with anything in this post

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 9

Welcome kiddies to THE GAMBLER’S week 9 college football notable picks as selected by Kenny “Mountain Goat Balls” Rogers. Kenny’d like to apologize for his dismal 4-5 showing in last week’s picks and vows to help you earn back some of those gamblin’ losses this time around. Step aside Tony Barnhart and let the real Mr. College Football show you how it’s done.

#5 CLEMSON -4.5 vs. GEORGIA TECH
The Ramblin’ Wreck offense has been running on fumes over the past two games against two teams that it should have beaten (Virginia and Miami). All of the national pundits have this game pegged as a GT upset win over Clemson but MAGICAL DABO POWERS supersede the not so magical PAUL JOHNSON MEAN-MUG. However, Clemson has been suspect as shit in rushing defense and is without starting tailback Andre Ellington so this pick is likely as safe as running around in Afghanistan wearing nothing but a US flag as a cape and a massive black strap-on king dong. With that being said, Clemson is very 2010 Auburn-esque so ride the Tiger the rest of the way.

JOIN ME ON THE TOKE TRAIN TO NEW ORLEANS BRO

#11 MICHIGAN STATE +5.5 vs. #14 NEBRASKA 
Michigan State > Wisconsin > Nebraska. Am I right? GUYS? That’s how it works RIGHT??? Denard Robinson and Russell Wilson couldn’t do it… GOOD LUCK TAYLOR MARTINEZ HAHAHAHA

VANDY +9 vs. #10 ARKANSAS
Not gonna take a chance here with Arkansas since they shit the bed last week in Oxford. The Commodes (heh) have a bit of confidence after scaring Georgia two weeks ago and putting up 344 rushing yards against Army last week. Take Vandy at home to cover here.

#3 OKLAHOMA STATE -14 vs. BAYLOR
The #2 and #3 total offenses meet in this one OH LOOK THE 2004 LIBERTY BOWL ALL OVER AGAIN YET STILL NOT A SINGLE FUCK IS BEING GIVEN

#9 OKLAHOMA -13 vs. #8 KANSAS STATE
Oklahoma matches up very well against pro-style and traditional offenses so this one should be a gimme for Bobby Stoops’ squad. Kansas State doesn’t have the passing prowess of Texas Tech to pull off the W in this one. EVERYONE LOL @ A WILLIE MARTINEZ COACHED SECONDARY! Also, the Wildcats have been outgained in every game so far this season with the exception of the Kansas game. But that doesn’t really count since Kansas fields a team with only two actual players and twenty mannequins.

#23 AUBURN -12.5 vs. OLE MISS
Hmm…. not sure if serious…

TENNESSEE +3.5 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

SOUTHERN CAL +7.5 vs. #6 STANFORD
Lane Kiffin has effectively moistened the panties of Andrew Luck with all of that gushing, oohing, and awwing about him in interviews over the past week. This will distract Stanford enough to somehow blow a game against a Lane Kiffin team (plz ignore UGA-TENN score from 2009).

OHIO STATE +7 vs. #15 WISCONSIN
Just because Wisconsin is mad doesn’t mean they’re going to win, Trevor Matich. BAUSER-POWER will prevail over the “buzzsaw” in this one.

COCKTAIL PARTY PICK AKA PISSFUCK UGA YOU BEST WIN

GEORGIA -2.5 vs. FLORIDA
Fuck Florida. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, both teams horribly need this win. Georgia needs it to keep Coach Richt and Florida needs it to prevent spiraling down the toilet like a tampon riddled with TSS.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK 7

It’s that time again, folks! The Original Silverback ™, Kenny Rogers, brings you his weekly college football notable picks. Kenny looks to improve on his hot streak after an impressive 5-2 record in last week’s picks. This week looks to be filled with some underdog picks but that’s mainly due to how shitty and biased the rankings are as of late – looking at you Texas A&M and Florida State. Now on to the picks – and Kenny’s ranting.

I WAS RAISED ON THE DAIRY, BITCH

#11 MICHIGAN +2.5 OVER #23 OVER MICHIGAN STATE
Spreads like this are the reason that rankings are shit. Might as well flip the ranking am I right or am I right? A MSU win keeps the PAUL BUNYAN Trophy in the Spartans’ possession for a 4th straight year.

IT'S NOT GONNA SUCK ITSELF

OHIO STATE +3.5 OVER #16 ILLINOIS
Last week Luke Fickell and the Buckeyes managed to fucking meltdown and blow a pretty impressive lead over Nebraska, bruh, but I don’t see Illinois having the testicular fortitude (aka HEAVY FUCKING BALLS) to pull off a similar feat if OSU jumps out ahead early. Ron Zook’s Illini team is 6-0, but has just one win against a BCS conference team with a winning record (17-14 over Arizona State). A loss here would send OSU to sub .500 land for the first time since 1999.

#6 OKLAHOMA STATE -7 OVER #22 TEXAS
Last week I picked OU to crush Texas and OH LOOK THAT JUST HAPPENED. Texas couldn’t get anything going on either side of the ball, especially offensively. Look for the same this time around.

Children = Texas, Steven Segal = OU

MISSISSIPPI STATE +3 OVER #15 SOUTH CAROLINA
MSU generally plays very tough in cowbell land and combine that with some off-the-field issues for USC[east] and we’re looking at a game that could really go either way if the Gamecocks show up lacking focus. Or if Connor Shaw starts rebelling like Stephen Garcia.

#20 BAYLOR +9.5 OVER #21 TEXAS A&M
Not really sure what to expect out of A&M here. They’re like the FSU of the Big 12, getting poll votes on name and not resume.

AUBURN +2 OVER FLORIDA
Jacoby Brissett starting for the second week in a row and Barrett Trotter (still) starting for Auburn means you can expect a game in which both teams may or may not attempt to play football. This game will look like a monkey fucking a coconut.

CAN IT BE BLOCKED PUNT TIEM PLZ GUISE?

GEORGIA -10 OVER VANDERBILT
Vandy has scored exactly THREE points combined in its two SEC losses (Alabama, South Carolina) and heads home to battle a streaking Georgia team. The Commodores’ ineptitude on offense combined with an injured starting QB Larry Smith as well as facing a red-hot Bulldog defense does not bode well for the home team. A 10-point spread seems very generous for Vandy. This is one of those gimme games that gives Georgia a chance to shore up some issues in every aspect of the game, rest some guys for Florida and beyond, and also get some reps for the backups.

#2 ALABAMA -25.5 OVER OLE MISS
With Ole Miss tailback Brandon Bolden, center AJ Hawkins, receiver Philander Moore and two others suspended for the game, Alabama is literally going to rape the Rebel Black Bears. No lube, all rape. It is going to be slow, methodical, and not enjoyed by anyone not named Nick Saban, who will be sporting a chub.

SIMPLE HOUSTON NUTT

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -16 OVER TENNESSEE
Impending demise OH LOOK OVER HERE AT OUR WIZARD OF POZ HALFTIME SHOW PLEASE GOD DON’T WATCH THE PLAYERS GETTING KILLED BY LSU OR DEREK DOOLEY CRYING ORANGE TEARS.

THE GAMBLER, WEEK SIX

Kenny Rogers is back with his week six college football notables. This edition is brought to you by doppelganger Kenny Rogers who may look almost identical to the old-school doesn’t give two fucks version of Kenny, but this man is a tried and true hard ass and is on par with the psychopathy of Josef Fritzl. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there so onto the picks.

GEORGIA -1.5 OVER TENNESSEE
No homer glasses on with this pick. Tennessee cannot run the ball. Minus 9 yards of rushing against Florida, which is tied with Georgia at #7 nationally in total defense, is not going to take the pressure off of Tyler Bray. If the Georgia offense can shore up some of their mistakes, mainly turnovers and inopportune penalties, then this game is Georgia’s for the taking.

#3 OKLAHOMA -10 OVER #11 TEJAS
Texas has played a few hockey teams as competition so far this year so their numbers and record are quite misleading. Once they take the field against a battle-tested OU team, then shit will hit the fan. Expect Manny Diaz to request a transfer along with Case McCoy after Landry Jones and company get up in dem guts and start putting up some crooked numbers.

KENTUCKY +21 OVER #18 SOUTH CAROLINA
So much offensive ineptitude in this game that only a GIF can sum up what you should expect:

#15 AUBURN +10 OVER #10 ARKANSAS
Both of these teams are coming off of huge victories against ranked teams last week so neither really has a momentum advantage. This one is sure to be a close game that could go either way really. Whichever team is the least gassed on defense in the 4th quarter will likely win this one. Also, Bobby Petrino pees pants.

OHIO STATE +10.5 OVER #14 NEBRASKA
We literally have no idea who is going to start at any offensive position for Ohio State anymore, but that really doesn’t matter because their defense has generally kept them in their games and will be the case again on Saturday night. Nebraska is similar to many other 0- and 1-loss teams around the country in that they’ve inflated their stats by eating lots of sugary cupcakes made by a blue whale of a woman named Nina but then experience a horrifying scene from SAW when they face actual, real competition. We’re not sold on Nebraska anymore this year after yes, just one game.

#2 ALABAMA -29.5 OVER THE LITTLE COMMODORE THAT COULD
This is another one of those games that can be explained with a GIF:

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -10 OVER #17 FLORIDA
Prepare for the human sacrifices of Driskell and company atop the tiger’s eye in the center of the field in Baton Rouge. This is one of those games where you might have thought Florida could prepare and surprise LSU, but even Charlie Weis knows his fresh fish QB’s don’t stand a chance in this one so he has literally been eating non-stop at Golden Corral since brunch this past Monday.

The Gambler, week 4

The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers, comes bearing gifts in the form of fail-proof fucking football picks. Without further adieu, Hailtothee.com brings you Kenny’s week 4 notables. There is quite a slew of good match-ups scheduled for Saturday so Kenny’s got a slew of picks to choose from.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

NORTH CAROLINA +7 OVER (25) GEORGIA TECH
The Jackets have literally played dogshit teams these first three weeks. They even wasted a bunch of cotton and materials on some shitty t-shirts commemorating a win over a Kansas team that’s actually weighing the pros and cons of re-hiring Mark Mangino. UNC will be bringing the most athletic defense in the ACC to Bobby Dodd stadium so expect Tech to fall quite short of its gaudy season averages for yards gained or points scored.

MASSACHUSETTS +10.5 OVER BOSTON COLLEGE (LOL)
Because BC is awful. Not Murmphis awful, but awful nonetheless. Back-to-back losses to UCF (30-3) and Duke (20-19) have the Eagles reeling and without momentum heading into this match-up which will likely be overlooked by BC with Wake Forest, Clemson, VT, Maryland, and FSU all looming ahead.

(15) FLORIDA -19.5 OVER KENTUCKY
Will COACH BOOM MOTHERFUCKER‘s Gators make it 25 in a row over Kentucky? Most likely. But by a 20 point margin? Probably so. In the world of analogies, the Wildcat offense is a kitten and the Gator defense is a residential wood chipper so this could get ugly real fast if UK doesn’t protect the ball.

(21) CLEMSON -3 OVER (11) FLORIDA STATE
The injury bug looks to have hit FSU with QB EJ Manuel’s uncertainty and a visit to Death Valley is definitely not the cure. Clemson can assume the reins of the ACC Atlantic division with a win on Saturday. We asked Coach Dabo Swinney about the significance of a win over FSU, which hasn’t won at Clemson since 2001: “RAWRUGSRGOHGOISNJRGFVNR UNBELIEVEABLE HGYUSERGSF COOL COOL IIUHRGISUIRNG ICE WATER VEINS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like sending your credit card information over to that Nigerian gentleman who plans to send you the $10 million dollars that was willed to you by someone you’ve never heard of, sir and/or madam.

(2) LOUISIANA STATE -6 OVER (16) WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA
Unless fiery couches fall from the heavens onto the LSU sidelines, expect the Tigers to romp all over the squad coached by LORD HOLGOR. LSU should be considered the #1 team in the nation right now and they’ve played arguably the toughest schedule in the country thus far so they’re battle-tested and ready for what’s going to be a debaucherous night in Morgantown. A night filled with furniture being set ablaze, Sharpie-made West “Fuckin” Virginia t-shirts (since the school is buying them all back), and non-consenting intercourse.

VANDERBILT +15.5 OVER (12) SAKERLINA
James Franklin is getting the most out of this squad of over-achievers (s0 far). The Commodores lead the SEC with 12 forced turnovers and South Carolina has been playing like a steaming heap of jungly gorilla shit. A few balls bounce in Vandy’s favor and we could be looking at a completely different SEC East scenario.

ARIZONA STATE -1.5 OVER (23) SOUTHERN CAL
The Trojans are looking for their 12th consecutive win over ASU but Lane Kiffin will fuck it up somehow by going for (and failing to achieve) two-point conversions after each score. Also, Brock “Bill Brasky” Osweiler plays QB for the Sun Devils. He stands at an astounding 18 feet 3 inches tall and his jersey is made of tyrannosaurus rex foreskin.

GEORGIA -10 OVER OLE MISS
Mississippi is the worst team in the SEC and as a game progresses, they get shittier and shittier. We suspect that a fellow like Houston Nutt doesn’t command very much admiration and charisma from his players because we’ve seen some very uninspired football coming out of the Rebel Black Bears as of late. If Georgia doesn’t absolutely fucking maul Ole Miss then it’s going to raise some tempers in Athens. Don’t even speak of a loss to the Rebels.

(7) OKLAHOMA STATE +4.5 OVER (8) TEXAS A&M
The line here doesn’t really follow any logic or convention. Actually, wait, that’s backwards. The polls don’t follow any fucking logic or convention. Derp. This one will probably be decided by less than a TD so it’s a tough pick and the Gambler is just basing this one off of how much he admires Mike Gundy for being a fucking man who is 44.

(3) ALABAMA -11 OVER (14) ARKANSAS
Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, a relentless force on the line, is scratched from this week’s game with a hammy injury so the Tide’s slow and methodical ground game will eventually mount and penetrate the Arkansas D with resistance at first, followed by lethargic acceptance.

“Oh shit.”

COLORADO +16.5 OVER OHIO STATE
We watched a reply of the Miami/Ohio State game from last week and thought to ourselves (and screamed aloud), “what the fuck am I looking at here?” whenever Todd Boeckman Joe Bauserman was on the field. Luke Fickel has this shit under control though, bro, trust him. Affliction shirts for errbody!

 

The Gambler, week 2

We’d like to formally apologize for the Gambler’s absence last week leaving you betting junkies without any real insight or basic knowledge whatsoever of what was going to happen in the inaugural weekend’s college football games. Kenny was out there dove hunting using a slingshot made out of kitten intestines. He was also being fellated literally the entire time. I guess you could say he was a bit water-logged.

Anyways, cast your eyes upon Kenny’s metaphorical crystal ball where you will gaze in astonishment at otherworldly accurate picks as well as a photograph of Paul Johnson gettin’ it on with the male version of that thing from Splice.

This fuckin' guy

Now, onto Kenny’s picks.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

#8 WISKY BADGERS (-21) OVER OREGON STATE BEEVUHS
Normally we’d call Vegas’ bluff on this much of a spread, but Oregon State dun goofed against FCS powerhouse Sacramento State in their season opener. Beavers RB Malcolm Agnew rushed for a FBS-leading 233 yards and 3 TDs in a losing effort and he could cause some fits for a Wisconsin defense that looked sluggish at times in their opener against UNLV.

#16 MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS (-5.5) OVER AUBURN TIGERS
We feel like this one is a jackpot pick but there is a slim slim slim chance that Auburn could be sneaky good against its SEC brethren this season. Awww who are we kidding? Gus is going to need more than just QB pixie dust this year. This one is going to be a bloodbath to the tune of a plural touchdown victory for MSU.

EAST CAROLINA PIRATES (+17) OVER #11 VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES
Hold up bruh, not falling for this shit again. We’d rather stare at Frank Beamer’s goiter for two days than buy into VT beating by 17 on the road an ECU team that shat upon South Carolina for much of their matchup last week. ECU had problems stopping Lattimore (no shit) and VT RB David Wilson is no Marcus Lattimore. We’d like to give the Hokies the nod here because Beamer actually was quoted as saying, “There’s no question it’s going to be fast and furious,” which is pretty fucking awesome since Vin Diesel and the Rock are our idols but Kenny “Poundin Your Daughter” Rogers is making these picks, not us.

ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS (-8.5) OVER #21 MISSOURI TIGERS
This is definitely not a safe pick by any means since everyone associated with ASU is a mere sliver away from death. The blistering inferno due to a combination of it being Arizona and wearing all black probably doesn’t bode well for anyone not named Satan. I checked the weather and it’s apparently going to be over 2,400 degrees at field level for this one and wearing black is just fucking retarded so ASU gets Kenny’s sympathy pick.

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like going down on a girl you met at Pink Pony South.

NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (-3) OVER MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
BRIAN KELLY WILL BUTTFUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH IF YOU EVER DROP A PASS LIKE THAT AGAIN IN HIS BEAUTIFULLY OILED OFFENSIVE MACHINE. All signs should point towards Michigan covering in this one with it being the first night game EVER in Ann Arbor as well as having Denard Robinson on their side, but then we remembered that it’s Michigan and Notre Dame of new and not Michigan and Notre Dame of old so this will turn out looking like two sloths playing leapfrog. Rich Rod will be observing the game from one of the Big House’s self-serve nacho condiment stations which he is now a supervis– EXCUSE ME, YES, YOU SIR, TWO SQUIRT LIMIT ON THE QUESO PLEASE. SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT A BUFFET. MAYBE ONE DAY UNICEF WILL GET INTO THE NACHO CONDIMENT INDUSTRY BUT UNTIL THEN PLEASE FOLLOW THE 2-SQUIRT LIMIT PER BAG OF TOSTITOS.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK RAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

#2 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (-10) OVER #23 PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS
Expect the Tide to roll big over the Nittany Lions and kill Joe Paterno in the process. Wait, nope, he’s still alive and he’s just napping and his bowels just happened to evacuate oh GOD please let there be some wet wipes nearby this one looks like tub girl in real life. Also, rooting against Alabama means you hate America.

GEORGIA BULLDOGS (+3) OVER #12 SAKERLINA GAMECOCKS
Obligatory homer pick. Come at me bro.

#18 FLORIDA GATORS (-23.5) OVER UAB BLAZERS
We expect (with sadness and regret) Florida to actually be very good this season and their talent and coaching staff (on paper) is no match for UAB in this one. Also, Coach BOOM MOTHERFUCKER said he would kill us with a rusty spoon whittled into a prison shank if we said anything negative about his team.

CINCINNATI BEARCATS (+4.5) OVER TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS
Because fuck Tennessee.