fuck Tennessee

THE GAMBLER, week one

Well, well, well… look who’s back… it’s the original Dirk Diggler himself, Kenny “Goat Nuts” Rogers.

After a long and desolate off-season, we’re back with Kenny’s gamblin’ picks. These picks arrived at the HTT headquarters early this morning via Kenny’s trusted carrier pigeon, Buford. They’re fresh out of Vegas, where Kenny is currently calling home. He’s sent us a few “souvenirs” over the course of the summer, but they hardly classify as such; seeing as a used condom sprinkled with cocaine and an empty bottle of El Toro are hardly mantle-worthy.

Anyways, enough with the babble about Kenny’s inner demons and onto his picks!

How bad do you wanna see it, baby?

Howdy folks, Kenny here. Let us put my past years’ picks in the rear view mirror and start with a clean slate. Sometimes, the world of sports doesn’t agree with my picks, but what can a man do?

N.C. STATE +3.5 over TENNESSEE (Neutral site)
This Friday night matchup showcases a Wolfpack team with potential to make some noise in the ACC Atlantic division assuming that FSU and Clemson will shit the bed per usual, and a thugged out and overrated Vol squad. NC State was previously favored in this game, and I have no clue why that changed, especially with the departure of Da’Rick Rogers. NC State returns most of its 2011 team in tact, minus all three starting linebackers. They were totally different teams if you look at first half vs. second half, but if you’re a believer in momentum being carried into the next season, then NC State is your pick. Realistically, there are only three “gimme” games on the Tennessee schedule. You can bet that Baby Dooley would be out the door in a second if that came to fruition, further fueling the dumpster fire that is the Tennessee football program lately.

Furthermore, I cannot in good conscience trust in a man with a tattoo like the one below.

not sure if serious…

(24) BOISE STATE +7 over (13) @MICHIGAN STATE
I’m sticking with the upset trend on this one. Michigan State has one of the most talented and deepest linebacking corps in the nation, but like Boise State, they’re breaking in a new QB.

@PENN STATE -6 over OHIO
This one is about as risky as sending the grandkids over to Sandusky for a conjugal visit. Penn State might wanna go ahead and slip on down to DII for a while.

LORD I WAS BORN A NAMBLIN’ MANNNN

MIAMI -2 over @BOSTON COLLEGE
LOL @ Miami only being favored by two over BC.

AUBURN +3.5 over (14) CLEMSON (Neutral site)
SO MUCH FUCKING ORANGE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

so inspiring…

@ (1) LSU -43 over NORTH TEXAS
LSU has won the last three games against the Mean Green by a combined score of 149-6. I think this one is a safe bet.

(2) ALABAMA -14 over (8) MICHIGAN (Neutral site)
Intriguing game here between the SEC’s best and the Big10’s best. Both teams are hoping to be in the MNC game conversation, but one of them will likely bow out of those talks after Saturday night. And by bow out I mean that Alabama is going to forcefully, and sexually, make the Wolverines to do things that no psychiatrist will ever be able to fix. Michigan and Denard Robinson rely heavily on big offensive plays, and Kirby Smart Nick Saban is really fucking good at not letting that happen. One of these has to give.

@ (16) VIRGINIA TECH -7.5 over GEORGIA TECH
Logan Thomas is Cam Newton without the drama and smarmyness and he will have a heyday with the Al Groh-led Yellow Jacket defense. And yes, Al Groh is still alive but he is at that stage where his diaper needs to be changed on the sidelines about 4-5 times per game.

@ (6) GEORGIA -38 over BUFFALO
I mean, seriously, it’s Buffalo. Plus the field is pretty.

We Were Supposed To Lose? Says Who…

So tonight we played: “The best Passing Offense in the nation.  The Best QB in the Nation.  The best WR’s in the Nation. The best ‘young defense’ in the Nation. The best short passing game in the Nation.” and we were “Suspect” for the win.

We here at HTT have something for you:  EAT SHIT TENNESSEE FANS!

Guess fucking what?  We won.  We won. We won.

Somebody tell Derek.

-Inspector G

THE GAMBLER, WEEK SIX

Kenny Rogers is back with his week six college football notables. This edition is brought to you by doppelganger Kenny Rogers who may look almost identical to the old-school doesn’t give two fucks version of Kenny, but this man is a tried and true hard ass and is on par with the psychopathy of Josef Fritzl. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there so onto the picks.

GEORGIA -1.5 OVER TENNESSEE
No homer glasses on with this pick. Tennessee cannot run the ball. Minus 9 yards of rushing against Florida, which is tied with Georgia at #7 nationally in total defense, is not going to take the pressure off of Tyler Bray. If the Georgia offense can shore up some of their mistakes, mainly turnovers and inopportune penalties, then this game is Georgia’s for the taking.

#3 OKLAHOMA -10 OVER #11 TEJAS
Texas has played a few hockey teams as competition so far this year so their numbers and record are quite misleading. Once they take the field against a battle-tested OU team, then shit will hit the fan. Expect Manny Diaz to request a transfer along with Case McCoy after Landry Jones and company get up in dem guts and start putting up some crooked numbers.

KENTUCKY +21 OVER #18 SOUTH CAROLINA
So much offensive ineptitude in this game that only a GIF can sum up what you should expect:

#15 AUBURN +10 OVER #10 ARKANSAS
Both of these teams are coming off of huge victories against ranked teams last week so neither really has a momentum advantage. This one is sure to be a close game that could go either way really. Whichever team is the least gassed on defense in the 4th quarter will likely win this one. Also, Bobby Petrino pees pants.

OHIO STATE +10.5 OVER #14 NEBRASKA
We literally have no idea who is going to start at any offensive position for Ohio State anymore, but that really doesn’t matter because their defense has generally kept them in their games and will be the case again on Saturday night. Nebraska is similar to many other 0- and 1-loss teams around the country in that they’ve inflated their stats by eating lots of sugary cupcakes made by a blue whale of a woman named Nina but then experience a horrifying scene from SAW when they face actual, real competition. We’re not sold on Nebraska anymore this year after yes, just one game.

#2 ALABAMA -29.5 OVER THE LITTLE COMMODORE THAT COULD
This is another one of those games that can be explained with a GIF:

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -10 OVER #17 FLORIDA
Prepare for the human sacrifices of Driskell and company atop the tiger’s eye in the center of the field in Baton Rouge. This is one of those games where you might have thought Florida could prepare and surprise LSU, but even Charlie Weis knows his fresh fish QB’s don’t stand a chance in this one so he has literally been eating non-stop at Golden Corral since brunch this past Monday.

‘Keyes’ To The Game: Big Sucking Orange Edition

“…Voice mail recording.  1 New Message…New Message from: ‘BIIIG DADDDY KEYES, BITCH!’ …30 seconds…’Inspector, it’s me Alan.  Alan Keyes…ha!  I’m drunk at a Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas!  I’m gonna be late for our interview tomorrow, but meet me at the Gymboree in Roswell Thursday at 9!  Oh and Inspector, inspect this (farts into the phone)!….end of messages.”

Cornelius Washington, We Are Brothers in Strife!

 

Inspector G: “Honestly I can’t seem to figure out why we meet in these places.  I feel uncomfortable here especially.  Gymboree?  You’re an odd man. AND you were drunk last night.”

Keyes: “Yes, I was.  I wanna give a huge shout out to Belinda Dobbs and the whole crew at Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas for setting me up nicely and not calling the cops when I puked in the salad bar.  But, moving on…

The dawgs have a tough test this week.  So many variables.  So many possible pitfalls.  Yet so much opportunity to have their first beat-down of a team all year.  Yep, you heard me right.  If some cards fall early for the dawgs and they control the turnovers on offense, I think they are poised for a rout of the Tennessee Volunteers Road-side workers.

Let’s start with the offense.  This group has not been stellar, but has been efficient.  Lately, points have come early yet efficiently.  I know everyone is worried about Murray and the turnovers, but he still is 17th nationally in passer efficiency and is on pace to throw more touchdowns than last year.  I know the turnovers hurt, but all you can really do is trust one of the best QB’s in the Nation to lead the offense down the field.  Also, it is just a matter of time until Crowell starts breaking them off:  30+ yards TD runs.  He was super close last week and honestly, with that much talent and the amount of carries he has been getting, you shouldn’t be surprised.  UGA’s offense is much better than UT’s defense.  Scores SHOULD come often.

Defense, well, here is the biggest key lies.  Yes, they have been playing lights out the past tow weeks, but the threat level midnight of this UT offense is much greater with Bray and Da’Rick than what the dawgs have faced since Boise.  With that being said, the defense has been tested and has so far come away much improved, disciplined, and more solid from last year.  Grantham has been getting pressure without having to dial-up exotic blitzes which has left our secondary to really cover without being undermanned. Washington being out does hurt.  But hey, when a door closes….welcome to the show, Ray Drew.  I really can’t say enough about the improved secondary play and I’m really interested to see how Commings, Boykin, Rambo, Smith, and Williams do against Tennessee’s all-world mildly overrated receiving corps.  If they can cover well, get a couple of early picks, count this game up to a circa 2005 style beat-down.  If not, I hope the offense can play enough mistake-free ball to put it away.

Special Teams:  Yeah, Walsh (again) still seems to have the shanks, but I’ll bet he might have received some tips from ol’ Kevin Butler.  Let’s see if he can pull out of it.  Speaking of Kevin, his son continues to punt with great effectiveness and it will be called upon again this game to continue.  One more thing: Boykin is due.  He has been several shoe string tackles away from breaking several.  Here’s to the hope that they kick it to him.

Ok, now it’s time to go play in the ball pit!”

Inspector G: “Well at least I didn’t have to remind you about what this interview was about this time.”

Keyes: “Ok, who farted? Was it you?”

*Note:   My one wish in the game (besides a victory) is to see Da’rick Rogers come over on a crossing route, catch it, be devastatingly hit by Rambo to which the ball comes loose, and Sanders Commings picking it into that checked bullshit end-zone.

-Inspector G