Celebrity Power Rankings
Today, HailToThee brings to you the Celebrity Power Rankings courtesy of none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage! This time around he’ll be focusing on just the SEC… which is apparently all that matters, am I right? YAH YAH YAH
Well the SEC’s regular season is all wrapped up and OOH YEAH has it been a WILD RIDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEE. LSU has already been crowned the national champion, the Muschamp BOOM MF’er and Dooley eras have proved to be quite fruitful and DOMINANT, and Houston Nutt has died inside RIP BROTHER.
Lemme tell ya somethin’ MEAN GENE you may have heard me call into the Georgia Bulldogs post-game call in show from my heavenly cloud floating over that CESS POOL known as Bobby Dodd Stadium but now I’m here to give you the rundown on my SEC POWER RANKINGS OOOOOH YEAH SO MUCH POWER DIG IT BROTHER.
1. LSU (12-0, 8-0)
Nowhere to go but DOWN BROTHER and there’s a fightin’ chance in them BULLDOGS out of Georgia BROTHER. If LSU ends up 14-0 it will go down as one of the most impressive seasons in college football history. So far they’ve been like me, the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, in a world of Doink the Clowns.
2. GEORGIA (10-2, 7-1)
The two division winners deserve to be at the top here brother. Coach Richt has done a hell of a job getting the Dawgs back to the title game brother. Also I’d like to give a big F-U to Corso and Herbstreit who predicted a loss to the nerds in Atlanta. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN’ BROTHERS YOU GOT SOME BAD DAYS A-COMIN BROTHER.
3. ALABAMA (11-1, 7-1)
The Tide, brother, has had perhaps the safest route ever to back door into the national championship game, brother. Right now Coach Saban is icing up the champagne with his little manlet hands, brother.
4. ARKANSAS (10-2, 6-2)
Not of a fan of that PENCIL NECK PIPSQUEAK coach of theirs but you gotta give the Hogs credit brother for a fine season. Much like Georgia, they lost both games against the two best teams on their schedule, but in blowout fashion, brother. They remind me of one Mr. Perfect who was occasionally a tough opponent but didn’t make much noise in the big picture, brother.
5. SOUTH CAROLINA (10-2, 6-2)
Will this be the end of the road for OLD MAN SPURRIER so he can finally play at Augusta National on a daily basis? Not sure, brother, but he did a damn fine job preventing the Gamecocks from spiraling out of control like they normally do to end the season. ILLINOIS IS THE NEW SOUTH CAROLINA BROTHER.
6. AUBURN (7-5, 4-4)
The Auburn Tigers have done a 180-degree turn from last year’s magical season, brother.
7. FLORIDA (6-6, 3-5)
Hey you turkeyneck Charlie Weis, maybe resurrecting offenses is NOT YOUR CUP OF COFFEE BROTHER. YEAH WOW FREAKOUT.
8. MISSISSIPPI STATE (6-6, 2-6)
When your best win is against an 8-4 WAC squad you’re not doin’ it big, brother. CAN YA DIG IT?
9. VANDERBILT (6-6, 2-6)
The Commodores had some feistyness in them this year brother and so did their leader James Franklin but Mr. Franklin’s back-pedaling and passive-aggressive antics are NOTHING compared to the kind of physical hurting I put on The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase back at Wrestlemania IV, brother.
10. KENTUCKY (5-7, 2-6)
It looks like Kentucky is back to its old ways of wetting the bed, brother. Rebuilding the offense on this team is surely going to be a BIG TEST FROM THAT MACHO MAN UP IN THE SKY.
11. TENNESSEE (5-7, 1-7)
Back to back losing seasons for the Vols for the first time since 1911. Tennessee you are like a grain of sand in the Sahara Desert and I AM THE ENTIRE DESERT, BROTHER.
12. OLE MISS (2-10, 0-8)
NOTHIN’ BUT GARBAGE, BROTHER
The Celebrity Power Rankings are back after a week-long hiatus and we take you all the way out to Hollywood to get our celebrity guest rankings. Take it away, Mr. Zach Braff.
Hello there, fans. I want to thank Hail to Thee for bestowing this great honor upon me and I hope I don’t let any of my fans down! I’m an avid college football watcher so I’m sure my rankings won’t disappoint! Just post a comment if you’ve got any qualms with my choices!
These Trojans are a nasty bunch led by a dear friend of mine, Pete Carroll.
The Tigers own wins over five ranked teams (at the time played) already this season. This team is scalding heauxt right now!
I really like the Crimson Tide’s chances of winning the Super Bowl if they can get past LSU in two weeks.
HUGE fan of Cliff Harris. He’ll be enjoying a scooter soon, just like me!
5. GARDEN STATE
My character in this movie portrays a retarded quarterback so I feel that I should rank it.
6. BOSTON COLLEGE
What a beautiful city.
I, too, am a supporter of Michelle Obama.
8. OHIO STATE
Always a mainstay here in the top 10.
9. DONALD FAISON
My best friend and former Scrubs co-worker sure looks like he could play college football, doesn’t he?
10. WEST VIRGINIA
My 10th spot is always reserved for an honorary team and this time around it is the West Virginia Mountaineers. Good luck to the Mountaineers after being adopted by the Big 12.
This week’s special celebrity guest is Gay Robot! A MIT scientist created a robot that came out gay when a wine cooler was accidentally spilled onto Gay Robot’s circuits.
1. LSU Tigers
Hopefully the Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit about where he gets naked. Yummy!
2. Ryan Phillippe
His eyes shimmer like the Caribbean Sea and his hair is the color of the Grand Canyon filled with lispy whispers.
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
I feel obligated to put them here even though they don’t allow gays to enter the state. Shame on you, Alabama!
4. Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen
These two were the only ones who ever used the glory hole in the Notre Dame locker room. They hold a special place in my heart – and also in my butt cheeks.
5. Oklahoma Sooners
Just the name BIG Game Bob gets me all moist in the circuits! Mmmmmm!
6. Wisconsin Badgers
If all of that Wisconsin cheese is dick cheese, then consider me died and gone to heaven!
7. Cal Bears
Close to San Fran? Bears? Everything about this place is perfect! Yes, please!
8. Challenger XL 3000 Buttplug
This guy has never left my side and never will until they create a bigger model and I upgrade.
9. Stephen Garcia
I enjoy trolling Craigslist for hot guys secretly needing a “release” and this shocked and flabbergasted bro is at the top of that list. Let Gay Robot help you out, Stephen.
10. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors
Last week we debuted the inaugural Celebrity Power Rankings as seen through the eyes of Ric Flair (and sponsored by Pemmican Beef Jerky). This week’s rankings are selected by the one-and-only Samuel L. Jackson!
1. Alabama Crimson Tide
This exclusively African-American team is going places!
2. LSU Tigers
Louisiana State gets my nod for the number two slot solely because they have an actual Honey Badger on the team.
3. Atlanta Falcons
I’m seriously hoping to see the Dirty Birds rise up this week against Wisconsin and their pretty boy QB, Aaron Rodgers.
4. Ohio State Buckeyes
These Buckeyes sure are a physical bunch. Their offense led by QB Todd Boeckman can put you to sleep at times, but they get the job done in the end.
5. Clemson Tigers
I’m sticking with a mostly deep south theme here, and it continues with the Clemson Tigers, clad in orange, which is the Genghis Khan of colors: it is compatible with nothing and it savagely rapes then murders anything it is paired with.
I wasn’t in this movie but I felt that I should have been. It was the inspiration behind Snakes on a Plane as well as Black Snake Moan.
7. Georgia Bulldogs
They once paid me to lead the team through a gauntlet of white band members so they will forever hold a perpetual space in my top ten.
8. West Virginia Mountaineers
Because they love saying FUCK as much as I do and I sure fucking love saying motherfucking fuck.
9. Leftist America
Without them we wouldn’t even have rankings, or American football, or air to breathe.
10. Oklahoma Sooners
Coach Stoops has that SMUG ASS LOOK down to a tee. Reminds me of Marsellus Wallace.
I refuse to list Boise State in my rankings because they do not have any black players. Are there even any black people in the state of Idaho, the Ireland of America? Those racist motherfuckers.
Hail to Thee debuts a new weekly feature starting right now. It is the Celebrity Power Rankings. Each week, we will interview a real life celebrity or sports personality and ask for his or her college football top 10 power rankings, as well as any comments or justifications if we give them a strong look of consternation for homer or retard picks.
In this inaugural edition, we bring you the official power rankings as chosen by none other than Ric “the Nature Boy” Flair!
1. LSU Tigers
Those cajuns get the top nod after defeating not only the Mountaineers, but an attack on their team buses by an actual, living, breathing flaming couch.
2. South Carolina Gamecocks
Because I love those Cocks.
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
Because I love Forrest Gump.
4. 1972 Plymouth Duster with a slant-6
The Charger’s little brother with an extra chromosome.
5. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Lou Holtz has this program on the right track.
6. Boise State Broncos
I’ll take a chance on the new kid just like I took a chance on Arn Anderson joining the Four Horsemen.
7. Nebraska Corn Shuckers
Their coach is so mad!
8. Wisconsin Badgers
This physique wouldn’t have been possible without cheese. Also because the honey badger doesn’t give a shit and does what it wants.
9. The Figure Four
Once I have it locked in, there is no escape… nor is there mercy.
10. Clemson Tigers
I like their coach and the intensity he brings to the game. He reminds me of a younger version of myself in the middle of a cocaine-fueled blur of a night featuring mixtures of uppers and downers.
The Nature Boy