Summer Lovin’: Hailtothee.com’s Speed Coach Turns Activist…and Other UGA Preseason Developments…
So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis. Maybe you don’t. Here is an update to refresh your memory.
We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job. What is he good at? Who knows. I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.
We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason. So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect) “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right? I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”. He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’. He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work. He should have known better. You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.
So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)
“Ok may-yan. Here is the deal. We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball. Let’s start with the DEFENSE. Oh yeah! Kickin’ names and takin’ ass! Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks. This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long. Get Ready! But, there is another. Yes, another. Just like in Star Wars. He is also a JJ. Jordan Jenkins that is. He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.
Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok. I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,
Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good. It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason. With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games. But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.
Our running back situation is just like this:
That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile. No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it. Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.
Receivers look good. Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.
Special teams? Are you kidding? After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:
You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.
So we now have a freshman punter and kicker. Ehhh…we should be fine.
There you have it. ”
Well, here we are my friends. Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.