Monthly Archives: August 2012

THE GAMBLER, week one

Well, well, well… look who’s back… it’s the original Dirk Diggler himself, Kenny “Goat Nuts” Rogers.

After a long and desolate off-season, we’re back with Kenny’s gamblin’ picks. These picks arrived at the HTT headquarters early this morning via Kenny’s trusted carrier pigeon, Buford. They’re fresh out of Vegas, where Kenny is currently calling home. He’s sent us a few “souvenirs” over the course of the summer, but they hardly classify as such; seeing as a used condom sprinkled with cocaine and an empty bottle of El Toro are hardly mantle-worthy.

Anyways, enough with the babble about Kenny’s inner demons and onto his picks!

How bad do you wanna see it, baby?

Howdy folks, Kenny here. Let us put my past years’ picks in the rear view mirror and start with a clean slate. Sometimes, the world of sports doesn’t agree with my picks, but what can a man do?

N.C. STATE +3.5 over TENNESSEE (Neutral site)
This Friday night matchup showcases a Wolfpack team with potential to make some noise in the ACC Atlantic division assuming that FSU and Clemson will shit the bed per usual, and a thugged out and overrated Vol squad. NC State was previously favored in this game, and I have no clue why that changed, especially with the departure of Da’Rick Rogers. NC State returns most of its 2011 team in tact, minus all three starting linebackers. They were totally different teams if you look at first half vs. second half, but if you’re a believer in momentum being carried into the next season, then NC State is your pick. Realistically, there are only three “gimme” games on the Tennessee schedule. You can bet that Baby Dooley would be out the door in a second if that came to fruition, further fueling the dumpster fire that is the Tennessee football program lately.

Furthermore, I cannot in good conscience trust in a man with a tattoo like the one below.

not sure if serious…

(24) BOISE STATE +7 over (13) @MICHIGAN STATE
I’m sticking with the upset trend on this one. Michigan State has one of the most talented and deepest linebacking corps in the nation, but like Boise State, they’re breaking in a new QB.

@PENN STATE -6 over OHIO
This one is about as risky as sending the grandkids over to Sandusky for a conjugal visit. Penn State might wanna go ahead and slip on down to DII for a while.

LORD I WAS BORN A NAMBLIN’ MANNNN

MIAMI -2 over @BOSTON COLLEGE
LOL @ Miami only being favored by two over BC.

AUBURN +3.5 over (14) CLEMSON (Neutral site)
SO MUCH FUCKING ORANGE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

so inspiring…

@ (1) LSU -43 over NORTH TEXAS
LSU has won the last three games against the Mean Green by a combined score of 149-6. I think this one is a safe bet.

(2) ALABAMA -14 over (8) MICHIGAN (Neutral site)
Intriguing game here between the SEC’s best and the Big10’s best. Both teams are hoping to be in the MNC game conversation, but one of them will likely bow out of those talks after Saturday night. And by bow out I mean that Alabama is going to forcefully, and sexually, make the Wolverines to do things that no psychiatrist will ever be able to fix. Michigan and Denard Robinson rely heavily on big offensive plays, and Kirby Smart Nick Saban is really fucking good at not letting that happen. One of these has to give.

@ (16) VIRGINIA TECH -7.5 over GEORGIA TECH
Logan Thomas is Cam Newton without the drama and smarmyness and he will have a heyday with the Al Groh-led Yellow Jacket defense. And yes, Al Groh is still alive but he is at that stage where his diaper needs to be changed on the sidelines about 4-5 times per game.

@ (6) GEORGIA -38 over BUFFALO
I mean, seriously, it’s Buffalo. Plus the field is pretty.

Your 2012 SEC team as a childhood wrestler

Today, HailToThee brings to you all of your SEC brethren as a classic wrestler. And by classic, we mean those dirtbag, steroid-infused coke head wrestlers from the 80’s and 90’s.

In no particular order, here we go…

South Carolina

Lucha libre and cockfighting go hand-in-hand, therefore it only makes sense that South Carolina is the La Parka of the SEC. Like the ‘cocks, La Parka was just sort of there, not winning any championships. Ever.

Alabama

Taste it, bro. Just the cheese.

Yokozuna sounds about right here. He was hated by anyone not a Yokozuna fan, and he took the conservative approach, just like the Crimson Tide, by merely sitting on his opponent. Imagine the smell! This 600-pound fat fuck was basically unbeatable in his prime. But eventually he died.

Tennessee

Fact: We’ve seen one of these in Knoxville. We’re talking about trannies, here.

Tennessee is Hillbilly Jim. There is no need to explain this nor can it be refuted.

Auburn

“How about you hold one half of the scissors so it reiterates how close we are bro.”

Little brother syndrome? Brutus Beefcake, come on down! Not too fast now, you don’t want to step out of the Hulkster’s shadow!

Both Mississippi Schools

What’s going on with those inner thigh regions?

Fattest state? Fattest tag-team! The Natural Disasters are a perfect fit here. If the Egg Bowl were really a match between these two behemoths, it would look like two sacks of potatoes trying to have sex with each other. No one here wants to see that.

Georgia

It’s the fucking ENFORCER to you, son!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. Because Georgia is the most American school in the country. Plus, he looks like someone from the Macon-Warner Robins area. Goldberg would be most people’s logical choice, but we’re not very rational here.

Florida

This version…

Florida, you are Razor Ramon. However, you’re not the suave, Scarface-type Razor Ramon with all of the slick promo videos prowling the STD-riddled beaches of Miami. You’re the overweight, alcoholic with cirrhosis who wears 3XL button-up silk shirts paired with a nice set of black denim jorts.


Not this version.

Vanderbilt

Vandy, you are Virgil.

Missouri

We don’t really know anything about Missouri except that Gary Pinkel likes to get tanked off of skunked Miller High Life at the local Applebee’s and then go cruising. At first, Stone Cold Steve Austin comes to mind because of this insatiable thirst for terrible beer, but there’s no fucking way Missouri is that cool, so they get relegated down a few notches to Jake “the Snake” Roberts, a true alcoholic. Also, not really a threat unless a poisonous reptile is present.

Texas A&M

$5 to touch it, $10 for me to touch yours

The Aggies would be Shawn Michaels had he never exploded in popularity in the early 90’s. Just your everyday dude running around with a feathered out dirty blonde mullet.

Kentucky

Would not hit.

Poor ol’ UK, just plain terrible as of late, isn’t really good enough at football to warrant a male wrestler alias, so we’re going with Luna Vachon here. Kentucky would be beastly in the women’s division!

LSU

The Canadian Crippler is the choice that makes sense to us. Chris Beniot, like LSU, is volatile and unpredictable. Les Miles is one frustrating upset loss to a 2-10 team away from Crippler Crossfacing his entire family to death.

Arkansas

Cum in me bro! I mean… come at me bro!

Bobby Petrino would love to have a fling with this little lady… and this little lady is Goldust. Shhh, don’t pay any attention to what was poking you in the back on that motorcycle ride. Was it as magical for you as it was for me?

Summer Lovin’: Hailtothee.com’s Speed Coach Turns Activist…and Other UGA Preseason Developments…

Now, That’s A Spicy Chicken Biscuit: Hailtothee’s own Nicholas Davis and Scooter in a sweet moment of mayonnaise and pickle bliss!

 

So, hopefully you all remember our previously out of work speed coach, Nicholas Davis.  Maybe you don’t.  Here is an update to refresh your memory.

We’re all about charity here at HTT and when this beatuiful man came to us begging on hands and knees (mostly knees, though) we were happier than Sandusky in game room at a Shakey’s Pizza to give him a job.  What is he good at?  Who knows.  I’ve heard he’s been known to impersonate Bono from U2, sing a beautiful rendition of Garth Brooks ‘Calling Baton Rouge’, eat at unconventional hours, lose mercilessly to everyone else in his fantasy football league, bitches harder than Lindsey Lohan when she’s out of blow, and loves the word ‘May-yan’.

We sent this buxom bottom out to UGA’s training camp to get the scoop on the happenings of preseason.  So did he pass the test? (You have to read this out loud and in the style of a gay pageant coordinator from Dothan, Alabama for it to have its full effect)  “Sure may-yan.” He says, ” Hepatitus test, right?  I passed that I think. 2 A’s a B and a C”.  He apparently met up with one of the comment handles here, Scooter, during ‘Chick-fi-la Gate 2012’ or what we like to call ‘Nuggets and Nom Noms’.  He thought old ‘shirt over your head’ disguise would work.  He should have known better.  You can’t disguise a Grade-A piece of he-pussy of that quality….no sir…no way.

So here we go, on with the preseason break down: (Keep reading this in the voice)

“Ok may-yan.  Here is the deal.  We got a lot of depth comin’ bay-yack on both sides of the ball.  Let’s start with the DEFENSE.  Oh yeah!  Kickin’ names and takin’ ass!  Check it out: Jarvis Jones, gonna walk all over folks.  This all-america, all-sec, all-stud will be wreaking havoc all season long.  Get Ready!  But, there is another.  Yes, another.  Just like in Star Wars.  He is also a JJ.  Jordan Jenkins that is.  He will probably make a big splash in the Mizzou game, but from what I hear that kid is gonna be something special.

Looking further into the defense, as long as we can keep our guys on the field and have them not smoke the weed and drive drunk, then we should be ok.  I’m really excited to see ol’ Corni Washington (he let’s me call him that because he is cornier than a fall parade in Iowa) with his hand on the ground rushing (and demolishing) slow, man-titted lineman,

Looking at the offense: Murray will never be as good as ANY QB who has ever played for the illustrious Wisconsin Badgers, but he is pretty good.  It looks like he has been taking the advice from the knowledgeable and football gurus over in the AJC’s comment section and this 35 td, record breaking, all SEC QB will be taking lessons from the greatest QB of all time, Mr. Hutson Mason.  With his footwork much improved from a season earlier, look for Murray to have a good year and be impressive in good games.  But look to Mason to burn that red-shirt and become the GREATEST QB the world has ever seen with a 51% completion rate and 13 TD’s.

Our running back situation is just like this:

That’s right…fuckin’ in a pile.  No one knows who is gettin’ it and know one knows who is takin’ it.  Look for Ken Malcome to get the initial starting nod, but Gurley and Marshall should get some looks early and often.

Receivers look good.  Chris Conley may one day be the first black President that I would actually vote for.

Special teams?  Are you kidding?  After Blair Walsh girlfriends did one of these to him:

You can’t hit the broad side of a barn when your girl fucks with your video games stuff. Apparently Starcraft 2 Beta Key Shit is for real.

So we now have a freshman punter and kicker.  Ehhh…we should be fine.

There you have it. ”

Well, here we are my friends.  Close to kickoff…less than 9 days away now.

-Inspector G

 

Welcome Back!

La la ladies and Gentleman!  Welcome to the show.  It’s a week before gameday kickoff 2012 and you know what that means: HTT is back!  We’re here because we want to be here.  We’re here because the chicks dig it.  We’re here because no one else has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.

And there you have it folks.  Our new slogan: “Hey, we’re just saying what everyone else is thinking…”

This year there will be some of your favorites: my analysis, Captain’s whimsical innappropriateness, Jedi’s new bag (since breaking in his HTT cherry last year).  Oh yeah, you’re favorite characters will be back as well: Kenny Rogers, Alan Keyes, The Macho Man…who knows, we may be adding some more.

Remember, we do this for fun and we do it for all of you who take the time to click here.  We appreciate you.

Season starts in 10 days.  Prepare your anus.

-Inspector G