Monthly Archives: October 2011
As I walk up the Bob’s Country Bunker in Nashville, TN I see this man taking tickets at the door. He is just singing the praises of the singer they have tonight. I look back at the sign which reads: “AK47 and the Hoochie Coochie Dip Spitting Pistol Whippin’ Ghetto Cheerleaders”. I thought to myself, “What in the hell has Alan got me into this time? What is this? Rap night?”.
I walk into Bob’s Country Bunker, and lo and behold, there is Alan Keyes singing George Straight’s classic hit, “You Better Baby Your Baby.” His back-up singers consisted of 1 black girl, 1 indian girl, and one white tranny (who had the best voice of them all if I’m being honest). It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The following transcript is what occured right after that song ended:
Keyes: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you! Thank you! We’re taking a break and we’ll be right back…
*We exit into a back room that honestly reminded me of a rape portal*
Inspector G: “So what to you have for me this week, Keyes?”
Keyes: “Well, well, well….isn’t it awful to know I’m right and you’re wrong?”
Inspector G: “What are you doing? You going ‘nanna nanna boo-boo’ on me right now? For real? Besides, I’ve been quite fond of your ‘Keyes’ to the game and have talked you up.”
Keyes: “Ha! I hear that. I also heard you actually half-way convinced some chick at Amici in Athens that these little chats we have were, in fact, real.”
Inspector G: “I know of the woman of which you speak. There is a possibility that this is true.”
Keyes: “Well, anyways here are my Keys To The Game: As you know, UGA’s offense (and its coordinator) have been heavily scrutinized as of late for their
underwhelming do-what-you-need-to-win-and-keep-the-points-differential-within-2-scores mantra. I think some fans and pundits need to take a step back and remember that there is no reason to push things down the field so much and score 50+ a game when your defense is manhandling absolutely monkey-stomping the fuck out of the opposition and leaving the wounded behind.
In such a scenario, there is no need to ‘go deep’ all the time, sustain short quick scoring drives for points that may or may not yield enough risk/reward for the cause. Look, Bobo called the deep shots several times, but Murray only hit on 2. And that’s ok. The point is to use up as much clock as possible and then that time on the scoreboard represents just as much of an enemy as a 20 point lead (although that, just for once, would be nice). I look for the offense to continue running the ball, setting up play action for a couple of deep balls. I have a sneaking suspicion that Murray will connect on a few and Vandy will be out of this game before they can get a touchdown on offense (which if you’ve been paying attention, their TD’s come FEW and VERY FAR between). I see Crowell getting the bulk of the carries in the first half, hopefully racking up close to a hundred and a score, then resting him for Samuel and Thomas. We need him 110% for Florida, you know.
As for the Defense: I shall sum this up in one picture and one only:
Special teams: Punt, Kick, Field, Return. No fumbles, no shanks, no muffs. NO BLOCKS IN THE BACKS. Blake Sailors for president.
That is all. It’s time to go back to my set. I’ll dedicate this one to you…
Inspector G: Really guy? Really?
This week’s special celebrity guest is Gay Robot! A MIT scientist created a robot that came out gay when a wine cooler was accidentally spilled onto Gay Robot’s circuits.
1. LSU Tigers
Hopefully the Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit about where he gets naked. Yummy!
2. Ryan Phillippe
His eyes shimmer like the Caribbean Sea and his hair is the color of the Grand Canyon filled with lispy whispers.
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
I feel obligated to put them here even though they don’t allow gays to enter the state. Shame on you, Alabama!
4. Brady Quinn and Jimmy Clausen
These two were the only ones who ever used the glory hole in the Notre Dame locker room. They hold a special place in my heart – and also in my butt cheeks.
5. Oklahoma Sooners
Just the name BIG Game Bob gets me all moist in the circuits! Mmmmmm!
6. Wisconsin Badgers
If all of that Wisconsin cheese is dick cheese, then consider me died and gone to heaven!
7. Cal Bears
Close to San Fran? Bears? Everything about this place is perfect! Yes, please!
8. Challenger XL 3000 Buttplug
This guy has never left my side and never will until they create a bigger model and I upgrade.
9. Stephen Garcia
I enjoy trolling Craigslist for hot guys secretly needing a “release” and this shocked and flabbergasted bro is at the top of that list. Let Gay Robot help you out, Stephen.
10. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors
A new feature on this site will be the “WTF?! Story of the Week” where we will feature a random WTF?! story found here on the interwebz. It wont be sports related (well I guess it can be) but will feature content that just makes you literally go, “What the fuck?”.
This weeks feature: Byron Christopher Jordan. Who is he? Well this little guy was charged with Bestiality in the fine city of Covington, GA.
A 37-year-old man was arrested Tuesday morning and charged with bestiality after several witnesses allegedly saw him having sexual intercourse with several horses.
Officers from the Covington Police Department were called to a home on Lunsford Circle at 8:58 a.m. When they arrived they met with the homeowner who was walking Byron Christopher Jordan toward the patrol car. When they spoke with the homeowner they learned he had witnessed Jordan having sex with one of his horses.
According to CPD Public Information Officer Lt. Wendell Wagstaff, Jordan was wearing only pajama bottoms which were extremely dirty and had the front fly opened. He also reportedly had a strong odor about his person.
Officers spoke with neighbors who had witnessed Jordan allegedly have sex with one horse, walk away from that one and go to a second horse and have sex with it before moving on to the third horse, which was in the corral, and begin having sex with that horse as well. They notified the owner, who had to physically pull him off the third horse.
“Witnesses said they figured if they called 911, dispatch operators would just think it was a prank,” said Wagstaff.
Jordan was charged with giving false name to an officer and bestiality and transferred to the Newton County Detention Center. He received a $3,500 bond and was bonded out on June 23, according to officials at the Newton County Detention Center. If convicted of bestiality Jordan could be sentenced to between one and five years of confinement.
I hear he was a Vols fan.
I’m not saying the Tennessee Volunteers are world-beaters. But Captain and I kept hearing and seeing how “awesome” UT was and how “Bray was going to shred” our defense. It almost made me wanna say: Well hell, why do we even have to play? Just take the loss and save our strength.
Good thing pundits are wrong. Good thing even my fellow UGA bloggers are sometimes
fair-weather pessimistic fans. It’s ok fellas. Maybe I’m just that big of a homer where (within reason) I look at the numbers, the match-up, and the intangibles for each game and feel that we should win, especially against UT and especially given our defense’s new rhythm.
I’m not completely drunk on the Kool-Aid yet, but this is definitely an improvement.
NOTE: If you didn’t already know this, Captain and I hate Tennessee more than any other rivalry we have. There is a million reasons why, but it has a lot to do with getting a bag of Lays K.C. Masterpiece (TM) dumped on me by their fans on my way out of Neyland 4 years ago. I know a lot of UT fans who are awesome, salt of the earth. But, as a whole, their fan-base represents the most diabolical collection of dirty-red, classless, clueless, and rude people I have ever bore witness to. East Tennessee is aesthetically beautiful, but a large portion of the people there should be sterilized, period. Trust me, I’ve lived there.
So tonight we played: “The best Passing Offense in the nation. The Best QB in the Nation. The best WR’s in the Nation. The best ‘young defense’ in the Nation. The best short passing game in the Nation.” and we were “Suspect” for the win.
We here at HTT have something for you: EAT SHIT TENNESSEE FANS!
Guess fucking what? We won. We won. We won.
Somebody tell Derek.
Kenny Rogers is back with his week six college football notables. This edition is brought to you by doppelganger Kenny Rogers who may look almost identical to the old-school doesn’t give two fucks version of Kenny, but this man is a tried and true hard ass and is on par with the psychopathy of Josef Fritzl. Anyways, that’s neither here nor there so onto the picks.
GEORGIA -1.5 OVER TENNESSEE
No homer glasses on with this pick. Tennessee cannot run the ball. Minus 9 yards of rushing against Florida, which is tied with Georgia at #7 nationally in total defense, is not going to take the pressure off of Tyler Bray. If the Georgia offense can shore up some of their mistakes, mainly turnovers and inopportune penalties, then this game is Georgia’s for the taking.
#3 OKLAHOMA -10 OVER #11 TEJAS
Texas has played a few hockey teams as competition so far this year so their numbers and record are quite misleading. Once they take the field against a battle-tested OU team, then shit will hit the fan. Expect Manny Diaz to request a transfer along with Case McCoy after Landry Jones and company get up in dem guts and start putting up some crooked numbers.
KENTUCKY +21 OVER #18 SOUTH CAROLINA
So much offensive ineptitude in this game that only a GIF can sum up what you should expect:
#15 AUBURN +10 OVER #10 ARKANSAS
Both of these teams are coming off of huge victories against ranked teams last week so neither really has a momentum advantage. This one is sure to be a close game that could go either way really. Whichever team is the least gassed on defense in the 4th quarter will likely win this one. Also, Bobby Petrino pees pants.
OHIO STATE +10.5 OVER #14 NEBRASKA
We literally have no idea who is going to start at any offensive position for Ohio State anymore, but that really doesn’t matter because their defense has generally kept them in their games and will be the case again on Saturday night. Nebraska is similar to many other 0- and 1-loss teams around the country in that they’ve inflated their stats by eating lots of sugary cupcakes made by a blue whale of a woman named Nina but then experience a horrifying scene from SAW when they face actual, real competition. We’re not sold on Nebraska anymore this year after yes, just one game.
#2 ALABAMA -29.5 OVER THE LITTLE COMMODORE THAT COULD
This is another one of those games that can be explained with a GIF:
GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK
#1 LSU -10 OVER #17 FLORIDA
Prepare for the human sacrifices of Driskell and company atop the tiger’s eye in the center of the field in Baton Rouge. This is one of those games where you might have thought Florida could prepare and surprise LSU, but even Charlie Weis knows his fresh fish QB’s don’t stand a chance in this one so he has literally been eating non-stop at Golden Corral since brunch this past Monday.
“…Voice mail recording. 1 New Message…New Message from: ‘BIIIG DADDDY KEYES, BITCH!’ …30 seconds…’Inspector, it’s me Alan. Alan Keyes…ha! I’m drunk at a Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas! I’m gonna be late for our interview tomorrow, but meet me at the Gymboree in Roswell Thursday at 9! Oh and Inspector, inspect this (farts into the phone)!….end of messages.”
Inspector G: “Honestly I can’t seem to figure out why we meet in these places. I feel uncomfortable here especially. Gymboree? You’re an odd man. AND you were drunk last night.”
Keyes: “Yes, I was. I wanna give a huge shout out to Belinda Dobbs and the whole crew at Sonny’s BBQ in Dallas for setting me up nicely and not calling the cops when I puked in the salad bar. But, moving on…
The dawgs have a tough test this week. So many variables. So many possible pitfalls. Yet so much opportunity to have their first beat-down of a team all year. Yep, you heard me right. If some cards fall early for the dawgs and they control the turnovers on offense, I think they are poised for a rout of the Tennessee
Volunteers Road-side workers.
Let’s start with the offense. This group has not been stellar, but has been efficient. Lately, points have come early yet efficiently. I know everyone is worried about Murray and the turnovers, but he still is 17th nationally in passer efficiency and is on pace to throw more touchdowns than last year. I know the turnovers hurt, but all you can really do is trust one of the best QB’s in the Nation to lead the offense down the field. Also, it is just a matter of time until Crowell starts breaking them off: 30+ yards TD runs. He was super close last week and honestly, with that much talent and the amount of carries he has been getting, you shouldn’t be surprised. UGA’s offense is much better than UT’s defense. Scores SHOULD come often.
Defense, well, here is the biggest key lies. Yes, they have been playing lights out the past tow weeks, but the threat level midnight of this UT offense is much greater with Bray and Da’Rick than what the dawgs have faced since Boise. With that being said, the defense has been tested and has so far come away much improved, disciplined, and more solid from last year. Grantham has been getting pressure without having to dial-up exotic blitzes which has left our secondary to really cover without being undermanned. Washington being out does hurt. But hey, when a door closes….welcome to the show, Ray Drew. I really can’t say enough about the improved secondary play and I’m really interested to see how Commings, Boykin, Rambo, Smith, and Williams do against Tennessee’s
all-world mildly overrated receiving corps. If they can cover well, get a couple of early picks, count this game up to a circa 2005 style beat-down. If not, I hope the offense can play enough mistake-free ball to put it away.
Special Teams: Yeah, Walsh (again) still seems to have the shanks, but I’ll bet he might have received some tips from ol’ Kevin Butler. Let’s see if he can pull out of it. Speaking of Kevin, his son continues to punt with great effectiveness and it will be called upon again this game to continue. One more thing: Boykin is due. He has been several shoe string tackles away from breaking several. Here’s to the hope that they kick it to him.
Ok, now it’s time to go play in the ball pit!”
Inspector G: “Well at least I didn’t have to remind you about what this interview was about this time.”
Keyes: “Ok, who farted? Was it you?”
*Note: My one wish in the game (besides a victory) is to see Da’rick Rogers come over on a crossing route, catch it, be devastatingly hit by Rambo to which the ball comes loose, and Sanders Commings picking it into that checked bullshit end-zone.
And finally, let’s forget those last two games in Knoxville and get back to playing like we did in the previous three games there (’01, ’03, & ’05). Go Dawgs.
For all of you band-wagoneers out there who were so set on batting your eye-lashes at Dan Mullen like a two-bit HPV laden urbanite female of ill repute…NEWS FLASH. He aint the guy. The guy you should be looking at and batting your eyes at (while lusting incessantly for his proverbial defensive sack-man cover 3 baby eating man juice) is Todd Grantham. Look, Richt has done his job. He hired Grantham. I’m not sure if any of you remember but these type wins we’ve had the past two weeks are so Richt circa 2002 it’s not even funny. And before you say (in your best redneck-ass voice), “Well hell, we aint killing nobody like Saban.” Remember that you would certainly take those wins over a 3 point loss against Sakerlina.
Read ’em and weep, assholes…THIS is what I’m talking about. And don’t forget, this is with playing ONE cupcake….JUST ONE.
Also, he can never be acused of never showing emotion…
Last week we debuted the inaugural Celebrity Power Rankings as seen through the eyes of Ric Flair (and sponsored by Pemmican Beef Jerky). This week’s rankings are selected by the one-and-only Samuel L. Jackson!
1. Alabama Crimson Tide
This exclusively African-American team is going places!
2. LSU Tigers
Louisiana State gets my nod for the number two slot solely because they have an actual Honey Badger on the team.
3. Atlanta Falcons
I’m seriously hoping to see the Dirty Birds rise up this week against Wisconsin and their pretty boy QB, Aaron Rodgers.
4. Ohio State Buckeyes
These Buckeyes sure are a physical bunch. Their offense led by QB Todd Boeckman can put you to sleep at times, but they get the job done in the end.
5. Clemson Tigers
I’m sticking with a mostly deep south theme here, and it continues with the Clemson Tigers, clad in orange, which is the Genghis Khan of colors: it is compatible with nothing and it savagely rapes then murders anything it is paired with.
I wasn’t in this movie but I felt that I should have been. It was the inspiration behind Snakes on a Plane as well as Black Snake Moan.
7. Georgia Bulldogs
They once paid me to lead the team through a gauntlet of white band members so they will forever hold a perpetual space in my top ten.
8. West Virginia Mountaineers
Because they love saying FUCK as much as I do and I sure fucking love saying motherfucking fuck.
9. Leftist America
Without them we wouldn’t even have rankings, or American football, or air to breathe.
10. Oklahoma Sooners
Coach Stoops has that SMUG ASS LOOK down to a tee. Reminds me of Marsellus Wallace.
I refuse to list Boise State in my rankings because they do not have any black players. Are there even any black people in the state of Idaho, the Ireland of America? Those racist motherfuckers.