THE GAMBLER, WEEK 9

Welcome kiddies to THE GAMBLER’S week 9 college football notable picks as selected by Kenny “Mountain Goat Balls” Rogers. Kenny’d like to apologize for his dismal 4-5 showing in last week’s picks and vows to help you earn back some of those gamblin’ losses this time around. Step aside Tony Barnhart and let the real Mr. College Football show you how it’s done.

#5 CLEMSON -4.5 vs. GEORGIA TECH
The Ramblin’ Wreck offense has been running on fumes over the past two games against two teams that it should have beaten (Virginia and Miami). All of the national pundits have this game pegged as a GT upset win over Clemson but MAGICAL DABO POWERS supersede the not so magical PAUL JOHNSON MEAN-MUG. However, Clemson has been suspect as shit in rushing defense and is without starting tailback Andre Ellington so this pick is likely as safe as running around in Afghanistan wearing nothing but a US flag as a cape and a massive black strap-on king dong. With that being said, Clemson is very 2010 Auburn-esque so ride the Tiger the rest of the way.

JOIN ME ON THE TOKE TRAIN TO NEW ORLEANS BRO

#11 MICHIGAN STATE +5.5 vs. #14 NEBRASKA 
Michigan State > Wisconsin > Nebraska. Am I right? GUYS? That’s how it works RIGHT??? Denard Robinson and Russell Wilson couldn’t do it… GOOD LUCK TAYLOR MARTINEZ HAHAHAHA

VANDY +9 vs. #10 ARKANSAS
Not gonna take a chance here with Arkansas since they shit the bed last week in Oxford. The Commodes (heh) have a bit of confidence after scaring Georgia two weeks ago and putting up 344 rushing yards against Army last week. Take Vandy at home to cover here.

#3 OKLAHOMA STATE -14 vs. BAYLOR
The #2 and #3 total offenses meet in this one OH LOOK THE 2004 LIBERTY BOWL ALL OVER AGAIN YET STILL NOT A SINGLE FUCK IS BEING GIVEN

#9 OKLAHOMA -13 vs. #8 KANSAS STATE
Oklahoma matches up very well against pro-style and traditional offenses so this one should be a gimme for Bobby Stoops’ squad. Kansas State doesn’t have the passing prowess of Texas Tech to pull off the W in this one. EVERYONE LOL @ A WILLIE MARTINEZ COACHED SECONDARY! Also, the Wildcats have been outgained in every game so far this season with the exception of the Kansas game. But that doesn’t really count since Kansas fields a team with only two actual players and twenty mannequins.

#23 AUBURN -12.5 vs. OLE MISS
Hmm…. not sure if serious…

TENNESSEE +3.5 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

SOUTHERN CAL +7.5 vs. #6 STANFORD
Lane Kiffin has effectively moistened the panties of Andrew Luck with all of that gushing, oohing, and awwing about him in interviews over the past week. This will distract Stanford enough to somehow blow a game against a Lane Kiffin team (plz ignore UGA-TENN score from 2009).

OHIO STATE +7 vs. #15 WISCONSIN
Just because Wisconsin is mad doesn’t mean they’re going to win, Trevor Matich. BAUSER-POWER will prevail over the “buzzsaw” in this one.

COCKTAIL PARTY PICK AKA PISSFUCK UGA YOU BEST WIN

GEORGIA -2.5 vs. FLORIDA
Fuck Florida. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, both teams horribly need this win. Georgia needs it to keep Coach Richt and Florida needs it to prevent spiraling down the toilet like a tampon riddled with TSS.

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