THE GAMBLER, WEEK 7

It’s that time again, folks! The Original Silverback ™, Kenny Rogers, brings you his weekly college football notable picks. Kenny looks to improve on his hot streak after an impressive 5-2 record in last week’s picks. This week looks to be filled with some underdog picks but that’s mainly due to how shitty and biased the rankings are as of late – looking at you Texas A&M and Florida State. Now on to the picks – and Kenny’s ranting.

I WAS RAISED ON THE DAIRY, BITCH

#11 MICHIGAN +2.5 OVER #23 OVER MICHIGAN STATE
Spreads like this are the reason that rankings are shit. Might as well flip the ranking am I right or am I right? A MSU win keeps the PAUL BUNYAN Trophy in the Spartans’ possession for a 4th straight year.

IT'S NOT GONNA SUCK ITSELF

OHIO STATE +3.5 OVER #16 ILLINOIS
Last week Luke Fickell and the Buckeyes managed to fucking meltdown and blow a pretty impressive lead over Nebraska, bruh, but I don’t see Illinois having the testicular fortitude (aka HEAVY FUCKING BALLS) to pull off a similar feat if OSU jumps out ahead early. Ron Zook’s Illini team is 6-0, but has just one win against a BCS conference team with a winning record (17-14 over Arizona State). A loss here would send OSU to sub .500 land for the first time since 1999.

#6 OKLAHOMA STATE -7 OVER #22 TEXAS
Last week I picked OU to crush Texas and OH LOOK THAT JUST HAPPENED. Texas couldn’t get anything going on either side of the ball, especially offensively. Look for the same this time around.

Children = Texas, Steven Segal = OU

MISSISSIPPI STATE +3 OVER #15 SOUTH CAROLINA
MSU generally plays very tough in cowbell land and combine that with some off-the-field issues for USC[east] and we’re looking at a game that could really go either way if the Gamecocks show up lacking focus. Or if Connor Shaw starts rebelling like Stephen Garcia.

#20 BAYLOR +9.5 OVER #21 TEXAS A&M
Not really sure what to expect out of A&M here. They’re like the FSU of the Big 12, getting poll votes on name and not resume.

AUBURN +2 OVER FLORIDA
Jacoby Brissett starting for the second week in a row and Barrett Trotter (still) starting for Auburn means you can expect a game in which both teams may or may not attempt to play football. This game will look like a monkey fucking a coconut.

CAN IT BE BLOCKED PUNT TIEM PLZ GUISE?

GEORGIA -10 OVER VANDERBILT
Vandy has scored exactly THREE points combined in its two SEC losses (Alabama, South Carolina) and heads home to battle a streaking Georgia team. The Commodores’ ineptitude on offense combined with an injured starting QB Larry Smith as well as facing a red-hot Bulldog defense does not bode well for the home team. A 10-point spread seems very generous for Vandy. This is one of those gimme games that gives Georgia a chance to shore up some issues in every aspect of the game, rest some guys for Florida and beyond, and also get some reps for the backups.

#2 ALABAMA -25.5 OVER OLE MISS
With Ole Miss tailback Brandon Bolden, center AJ Hawkins, receiver Philander Moore and two others suspended for the game, Alabama is literally going to rape the Rebel Black Bears. No lube, all rape. It is going to be slow, methodical, and not enjoyed by anyone not named Nick Saban, who will be sporting a chub.

SIMPLE HOUSTON NUTT

GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK

#1 LSU -16 OVER TENNESSEE
Impending demise OH LOOK OVER HERE AT OUR WIZARD OF POZ HALFTIME SHOW PLEASE GOD DON’T WATCH THE PLAYERS GETTING KILLED BY LSU OR DEREK DOOLEY CRYING ORANGE TEARS.

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