Monthly Archives: October 2011
As I write this note, I am departing not for Jacksonville for the Cocktail Party, but for New Orleans for one of my good friend’s bachelor party. I know, I know, I know…I even received a call from another friend of mine who offered up a free ticket to the game. To make matters even worse, I may be the only real UGA fan that is going on this trip. One or two may be a supporter of UGA Athletics, but none match yours truly.
As a result, I’m sure I’ll get some sort of blowback when I advise them I will be MIA while watching the game from 3:30 to 6:30 tomorrow afternoon. Truth be told, I’ve become so accustomed to (much to my chagrin) losing this one, that although I may have hope, I can’t be confident or too excited about this game.
I was at home writing my “Keyes to the game” and I just deleted it. Not because it wasn’t funny or good, but because I’m just so tired of losing to Florida that I can’t bring myself to post something funny about the keys to the game.
Here are the keys to the game as simple and as honest as I can put it: Execute, hit them in the mouth, repeat. That’s a recipe for success in this game, period. Be man enough to win Georgia!
This sums up my feelings if we are man enough to win tomorrow: “I don’t know where I’ll be then, Rock”, he said – “but I’ll know about it – and I’ll be happy.” (from ‘Win One for the Gipper’)
NOTE: I’m not predicting a win for us until we actually do win, regardless of what we ‘should’ do.
Welcome kiddies to THE GAMBLER’S week 9 college football notable picks as selected by Kenny “Mountain Goat Balls” Rogers. Kenny’d like to apologize for his dismal 4-5 showing in last week’s picks and vows to help you earn back some of those gamblin’ losses this time around. Step aside Tony Barnhart and let the real Mr. College Football show you how it’s done.
#5 CLEMSON -4.5 vs. GEORGIA TECH
The Ramblin’ Wreck offense has been running on fumes over the past two games against two teams that it should have beaten (Virginia and Miami). All of the national pundits have this game pegged as a GT upset win over Clemson but MAGICAL DABO POWERS supersede the not so magical PAUL JOHNSON MEAN-MUG. However, Clemson has been suspect as shit in rushing defense and is without starting tailback Andre Ellington so this pick is likely as safe as running around in Afghanistan wearing nothing but a US flag as a cape and a massive black strap-on king dong. With that being said, Clemson is very 2010 Auburn-esque so ride the Tiger the rest of the way.
#11 MICHIGAN STATE +5.5 vs. #14 NEBRASKA
Michigan State > Wisconsin > Nebraska. Am I right? GUYS? That’s how it works RIGHT??? Denard Robinson and Russell Wilson couldn’t do it… GOOD LUCK TAYLOR MARTINEZ HAHAHAHA
VANDY +9 vs. #10 ARKANSAS
Not gonna take a chance here with Arkansas since they shit the bed last week in Oxford. The Commodes (heh) have a bit of confidence after scaring Georgia two weeks ago and putting up 344 rushing yards against Army last week. Take Vandy at home to cover here.
#3 OKLAHOMA STATE -14 vs. BAYLOR
The #2 and #3 total offenses meet in this one OH LOOK THE 2004 LIBERTY BOWL ALL OVER AGAIN YET STILL NOT A SINGLE FUCK IS BEING GIVEN
#9 OKLAHOMA -13 vs. #8 KANSAS STATE
Oklahoma matches up very well against pro-style and traditional offenses so this one should be a gimme for Bobby Stoops’ squad. Kansas State doesn’t have the passing prowess of Texas Tech to pull off the W in this one. EVERYONE LOL @ A WILLIE MARTINEZ COACHED SECONDARY! Also, the Wildcats have been outgained in every game so far this season with the exception of the Kansas game. But that doesn’t really count since Kansas fields a team with only two actual players and twenty mannequins.
#23 AUBURN -12.5 vs. OLE MISS
Hmm…. not sure if serious…
TENNESSEE +3.5 vs. #13 SOUTH CAROLINA
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
SOUTHERN CAL +7.5 vs. #6 STANFORD
Lane Kiffin has effectively moistened the panties of Andrew Luck with all of that gushing, oohing, and awwing about him in interviews over the past week. This will distract Stanford enough to somehow blow a game against a Lane Kiffin team (plz ignore UGA-TENN score from 2009).
OHIO STATE +7 vs. #15 WISCONSIN
Just because Wisconsin is mad doesn’t mean they’re going to win, Trevor Matich. BAUSER-POWER will prevail over the “buzzsaw” in this one.
COCKTAIL PARTY PICK AKA PISSFUCK UGA YOU BEST WIN
GEORGIA -2.5 vs. FLORIDA
Fuck Florida. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, both teams horribly need this win. Georgia needs it to keep Coach Richt and Florida needs it to prevent spiraling down the toilet like a tampon riddled with TSS.
The Celebrity Power Rankings are back after a week-long hiatus and we take you all the way out to Hollywood to get our celebrity guest rankings. Take it away, Mr. Zach Braff.
Hello there, fans. I want to thank Hail to Thee for bestowing this great honor upon me and I hope I don’t let any of my fans down! I’m an avid college football watcher so I’m sure my rankings won’t disappoint! Just post a comment if you’ve got any qualms with my choices!
These Trojans are a nasty bunch led by a dear friend of mine, Pete Carroll.
The Tigers own wins over five ranked teams (at the time played) already this season. This team is scalding heauxt right now!
I really like the Crimson Tide’s chances of winning the Super Bowl if they can get past LSU in two weeks.
HUGE fan of Cliff Harris. He’ll be enjoying a scooter soon, just like me!
5. GARDEN STATE
My character in this movie portrays a retarded quarterback so I feel that I should rank it.
6. BOSTON COLLEGE
What a beautiful city.
I, too, am a supporter of Michelle Obama.
8. OHIO STATE
Always a mainstay here in the top 10.
9. DONALD FAISON
My best friend and former Scrubs co-worker sure looks like he could play college football, doesn’t he?
10. WEST VIRGINIA
My 10th spot is always reserved for an honorary team and this time around it is the West Virginia Mountaineers. Good luck to the Mountaineers after being adopted by the Big 12.
As most of you who know my true identity, know that I have played this great game. I still do, in my head. That’s why I, of all authors here at HTT, have the chops to write this pep talk.
If I were on the UGA Football team, getting ready in Jax right before the game, this is what I would say:
“Get in here! Get your asses over here! Now listen you sons a bitches, I am sick and tired of all these people talking about ‘we’ve lost it’ and ‘we’re not good enough’ I’m tired of that shit. I’m tired of coming down here every year and getting our asses handed to us! I am tired of the bullshit ‘they’re better than we are’ mantra that goes around for this game. That shit is over! Do you hear me?!? That shit is over.
Today men, we’re gonna go out there, in our white jerseys, and we’re gonna kick the shit out of those piece of shit gators from whistle to whistle. We don’t need any gimmicks, new jerseys, or celebration penalties. Just go out there, stick your helmet on some poor son of a bitch and let him know, as he’s having trouble getting up, that you’ll be right back on the next play. Hit them in the mouth, again, and again, and again to where they want to quit. Make them tired! Make them lose contain! Make them throw a pick! Make them know that this is not the Georgia they’re used to. We’re not pussies tip toe’ing around any more. This is a new era! A new attitude! WE DO NOT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY ANY MORE! All that talk of ‘calculated risk’ and ‘just enough to get it done’: FUCK THAT SHIT. From snap one to snap 168 pound the guy in front of you and make him lament the fact that he even stepped on to the field today!!!
You have a chance to make all of our preseason goals come true. No wishing, no if’s. Let Sakerlina worry about themselves. Because today it is ass whooping time and each of you have sold all of your tickets. Cash them in on every single sorry piece of shit criminal they have in a blue uniform. All the talk is now over. All of these panty-waste pundits who couldn’t tackle out of wet paper bag can’t “analyze” the ‘what-ifs’ any more. This is gonna happen. Both teams are gonna step onto that field and play each other. It’s up to you now men, to decide if these nay-sayers and fairweather fans are correct. If they are, that means you just didn’t do what you were supposed to do and quit on yourselves and this team. But I know that’s not gonna happen.
I want to pity these poor bastards on the opposite sidelines. That can happen when we cram the ball down their throat drive after drive and then make them turn the ball over or punish them to get 3 and outs over and over again. It’s time men. It’s time for you to dominate this team, this field, both sides of the ball. I want 60 minutes of smash-mouth football, no holds barred! Can you do that?! Let’s Go!”
So sue me if it sounds cheesy. If I heard Coach Richt or Grantham say that, I would cream my pants.
The Gambler rears his beautifully sculpted face again after another impressive 6-3 showing in last week’s picks. There are just three games on this week’s docket pitting ranked teams against each other so Kenny will tackle all of those, in addition to a few other notables. It’s a barren SEC schedule with UGA, USC, UF, and MSU all resting up on the couch this week. HERE WE GO.
NOTRE DAME -8.5 OVER USC
Lane Kiffin called this game Notre Dame’s Super Bowl. Not real sure what Kiffykins means there so we’ll just assume that he was time travelling from eating a gooball and still thinks he’s coaching the Raiders. As far as the game itself, a very rare night game in South Bend combined with USC’s horrific ground game equals bad news for the Trojans, who run a ton of bootlegs to mask the weakness on their OL.
#16 MICHIGAN STATE +8 OVER #6 WISCONSIN
MSU exploited Denard Robinson last week and took away the running aspect of his game. Expect much of the same with Russell Wilson vs. the Spartan D, although Wilson is a better game manager than Robinson and can make big plays with his arm. This game is in East Lansing which is the site of Wisconsin’s last regular season road loss so Sparty gets the nod to at least cover in this one.
#9 ARKANSAS -15 OVER OLE MISS
Houston Nutt has done a BANG UP JOB over in Oxford, MS hasn’t he?
NORTHWESTERN +4 OVER #21 PENN STATE
The Nittany Lions have looked like shit on the road with close wins over Temple and Indiana. Also, JoePa, you are old as fuck. Seriously bro.
#2 ALABAMA -29 OVER TENNESSEE
This game reminds me of a song I once wrote called “A Poem For My Little Lady” in that Nick Saban will be courting and wooing Derek Dooley just before he prolapses that anus.
MIAMI -2.5 OVER #22 GEORGIA TECH
Paul Johnson is mad as fuck about losing to Virginia (lol) last week but it isn’t going to do any good because he’s mad as fuck all of the time. Have you ever looked at that man’s hideous, dumpy mug and thought otherwise? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT
#20 AUBURN +22.5 OVER #1 LSU
No clue why the spread is this OUT OF CONTROL HIGH but I don’t see LSU manhandling Auburn tomorrow night with those suspensions in play.
#25 WASHINGTON +20.5 OVER #8 STANFORD
This could be a trap game for that fucking tree team. Seriously, the cardinal is a bird. Get your shit together bros I thought you were a smart school. Anyways, Keith Price has been a welcome surprise for Washington, putting up even better numbers than his now-in-the-NFL predecessor, Jake Locker. Stanford hasn’t played a team with a better than .500 record yet this season so this should be a test for them.
GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK
#10 OREGON -30.5 OVER COLORADO
Colorado is FUCKING AWFUL and by that I mean FUCKING AWFUL. In literally every aspect of being on the field. The Buffs are 114th in scoring offense and 95th in scoring defense. That will certainly not get the job done. The Pac-12 picking up Colorado is akin to the SEC inviting Memphis to the club.
Before we go, we’re hoping you got a chance to watch the Arizona-UCLA game last night. IT WAS AWESOME.
It’s Wednesday and while you’re
working hard wishing it was October 29, 2011, lets be honest any work that isn’t done already won’t get done until monday. I hope this tickles your fancy for the day while we all rationalize why Grantham didn’t rip that fucktard in Nashville a new one. Wait, he already did. James Franklin reminds me of that kid in class who would never give you that one answer for your homework and then got mad when no one picked him up for their team in P.E. (Ok, so I needed all the answers for homework, but you get it) Any who, I’ll be posting tweets that just made me feel warm, like your first Christmas sweater.
THE SLOW YA ROLE TWEET UH DA WEAK
So while you recover from what was surely just an amazing experience from the above content, let me take the time to say I think we have something special in Athens. This week’s bye week comes at a perfect time for such a young team, guys are banged up and now the “Dream Team” has experienced half of a season in the SEC. I know I know, with the exception of Sakerlina we didn’t exactly play the strongest SEC teams. But it isn’t like having the strongest schedule is necessarily a good thing, ask Florida. Looking back I am glad what happened in Nashville happened, Grantham and Co. are going to coach the guys up on defense. And you know after Grantham stood up for them, the defense is going to come out hotter than two rats fucking in a tube sock. Those guys have been playing out of their minds all year and with Alec Ogletree and Cornelius Washington back it is going to be interesting to see what Florida can do with injuries that have resulted in a one dimensional offense. And Bobo…. Well I don’t know what the fuck he is doing, but I hadn’t walked a day in the guys shoes and if Richt still has confidence in him then I am in like Flint. Florida’s defense is young upfront so I will be interested to see if they do some silent counts trying to draw guys offsides that is, of course, if the O-line shows discipline. (i.e. 3 and 57, Justin Anderson) Malcolm Mitchell getting healthy on the offensive side of the ball gives a legit deep threat again and arguably the best hands on the team. Crowell getting healthy, whether they admit he is banged up or not, is priceless. Yeah just like those credit card commercials. He is do for another big game after a few productive but not Crowell-like performances and all I can think about is Moreno going off in ’07 against Florida. The emergence of Marlon Brown couldn’t have come soon enough, it feels like he has been here forever and all you here is how good he is at practice. Practice? Oh yea thats where Shaq made free throws…
It is the off week, by the way, so we might as well have 2 stories today…
First up: A couple has sex with kids in the car. Don’t worry, the kids weren’t involved, just present.
Their faces alone have enough one liners to last a lifetime. Since that is the case, I am issuing a challenge on that. In the comment section here on this post, post your best one liner(s). The winner gets “The Ric Flair ‘I Got 600 Suits!’ Award of the week and a featured post that shows the award and your user handle. Please don’t let me down!
Next up are a couple of lesbians who have come up with a fucked up and perverted experiment to block their son’s testoterone to allow him to ‘decide’ his gender. Yep, and continuing to give atlernative lifestyle folks parenting rights is just swell. WTF?!
A lesbian couple in California who say their 11-year-old son Tommy who wants to be a girl named Tammy are giving their child hormone blockers that delay the onset of puberty — so that he can have more time that he can have more time to decide if he wants to change his gender.
The couple’s supporters say the Hormone Blocking Therapy has only minor side effects and is appropriate for a child who is unsure of his gender. “This is definitely a changing landscape for transgender youth,” said Joel Baum, director of education and training for Gender Spectrum, a California-based non-profit group. “This is about giving kids and their families the opportunity to make the right decision.”
And to sum this story up:
Well happy Monday to you all. Seriously, leave me the best one liners about the first story and you and Ric Flair will be one.
I have to agree with Tyler Dawgden over at the Georgia Sports Blog, but I’ll add a couple of more caveats.
1) All I ever hear from armchair Quarterbacks and other ‘UGA Fans’ is this exact statement, ‘With Richt all we get is plain Jane shit. No emotion. No fire. Just Christianity and mediocrity.” I don’t know what this whole ’emotion’ thing comes from, but Grantham provides that. We all want something from this team: WINS. What have we been getting, albeit not pretty: WINS.
I want it to be clear that we need to clean up some things on the team (but I really feel that most of it is just the youth of this team) for us to be lumped in the same category as Alabama and LSU, but I do see us moving in the right direction. But UGA fans who put blame and shame on Grantham from this incident need to go jump on any other team’s band wagon and go tell the world that life has made them a dripping wet pathetic vagina. If anything, you should start holding Grantham in a little warm place in your heart and start defending him just like he did for his own players. I may be a homer, but I’m also honest. This team and program needs Coaches like Grantham. Someone who is edgy, loud, excited, and extreme.
2) If you think, just because of a trap game performance, that our defense has suddenly ‘dropped-the-ball’ and ‘almost cost us the game’ think again. They might have not played lights out every play, but for the amount of injuries they’ve had lately, plus the amount of Freshman playing, and Washington being out they have done pretty well. Don’t forget that one of those scores was a kickoff return.
3) Wait until we play Florida and then make a call on how this team has performed. I think sometimes we as fans forget that all this will be played out on the field. We have to play them, so let’s make that assessment once it happens.
P.S. If you’re looking for someone to put some blame on or call out, go tell James Franklin to shut the fuck up.
This doesn’t happen often, but today Captain and I are happy to announce that we have added a new contributer to HTT. His name is Jedi Drew and while he doesn’t contain the destructive mind tricks of the Branch Davidians, he does align with mine and Captain’s insanely debauchery-induced humor, demeanor, and all out craziness.
Follow him on twitter: @REALJediDrew
NOTE: Don’t worry, I’ll have my afterburner post later today and we will have plenty of material for all of you during this bye week.
It’s that time again, folks! The Original Silverback ™, Kenny Rogers, brings you his weekly college football notable picks. Kenny looks to improve on his hot streak after an impressive 5-2 record in last week’s picks. This week looks to be filled with some underdog picks but that’s mainly due to how shitty and biased the rankings are as of late – looking at you Texas A&M and Florida State. Now on to the picks – and Kenny’s ranting.
#11 MICHIGAN +2.5 OVER #23 OVER MICHIGAN STATE
Spreads like this are the reason that rankings are shit. Might as well flip the ranking am I right or am I right? A MSU win keeps the PAUL BUNYAN Trophy in the Spartans’ possession for a 4th straight year.
OHIO STATE +3.5 OVER #16 ILLINOIS
Last week Luke Fickell and the Buckeyes managed to fucking meltdown and blow a pretty impressive lead over Nebraska, bruh, but I don’t see Illinois having the testicular fortitude (aka HEAVY FUCKING BALLS) to pull off a similar feat if OSU jumps out ahead early. Ron Zook’s Illini team is 6-0, but has just one win against a BCS conference team with a winning record (17-14 over Arizona State). A loss here would send OSU to sub .500 land for the first time since 1999.
#6 OKLAHOMA STATE -7 OVER #22 TEXAS
Last week I picked OU to crush Texas and OH LOOK THAT JUST HAPPENED. Texas couldn’t get anything going on either side of the ball, especially offensively. Look for the same this time around.
MISSISSIPPI STATE +3 OVER #15 SOUTH CAROLINA
MSU generally plays very tough in cowbell land and combine that with some off-the-field issues for USC[east] and we’re looking at a game that could really go either way if the Gamecocks show up lacking focus. Or if Connor Shaw starts rebelling like Stephen Garcia.
#20 BAYLOR +9.5 OVER #21 TEXAS A&M
Not really sure what to expect out of A&M here. They’re like the FSU of the Big 12, getting poll votes on name and not resume.
AUBURN +2 OVER FLORIDA
Jacoby Brissett starting for the second week in a row and Barrett Trotter (still) starting for Auburn means you can expect a game in which both teams may or may not attempt to play football. This game will look like a monkey fucking a coconut.
GEORGIA -10 OVER VANDERBILT
Vandy has scored exactly THREE points combined in its two SEC losses (Alabama, South Carolina) and heads home to battle a streaking Georgia team. The Commodores’ ineptitude on offense combined with an injured starting QB Larry Smith as well as facing a red-hot Bulldog defense does not bode well for the home team. A 10-point spread seems very generous for Vandy. This is one of those gimme games that gives Georgia a chance to shore up some issues in every aspect of the game, rest some guys for Florida and beyond, and also get some reps for the backups.
#2 ALABAMA -25.5 OVER OLE MISS
With Ole Miss tailback Brandon Bolden, center AJ Hawkins, receiver Philander Moore and two others suspended for the game, Alabama is literally going to rape the Rebel Black Bears. No lube, all rape. It is going to be slow, methodical, and not enjoyed by anyone not named Nick Saban, who will be sporting a chub.
GAMBLER’S “EASY AS A GIRL WITH THE COVINGTON CUT” PICK OF THE WEEK
#1 LSU -16 OVER TENNESSEE
Impending demise OH LOOK OVER HERE AT OUR WIZARD OF POZ HALFTIME SHOW PLEASE GOD DON’T WATCH THE PLAYERS GETTING KILLED BY LSU OR DEREK DOOLEY CRYING ORANGE TEARS.