Monthly Archives: September 2011

Things I Don’t Wanna See Today

Well, for the life of me, I can’t convince myself that we’re gonna win.  I know we can.  I know we have the tools, talent, coaching, conditioning, and will enough to win.  However, until we show that pre 2006 nastiness and finishing ability, I don’t think I can (even with my blatant homerism) automatically put a ‘W’ in the column.  Everyone here knows what we all WANT to see, but specifically I don’t wanna see this:

Any South Carolina colors wearing faggot and his methed out muffin-top date, who paid way-too-much on stubhub, cheering in my face if the worst happens.  I want all red and black around me.  I’ll talk shit going out the door and get satisfaction by saying, “Stephen Garcia’s mother can go fuck herself” win lose or draw.

Maybe I should’ve changed the title to ‘Thing’ I don’t wanna see today…

We are tailgating on East Campus, come by and partake in the fiesta.

Please, comment away…

-Inspector G

The Gambler, week 2

We’d like to formally apologize for the Gambler’s absence last week leaving you betting junkies without any real insight or basic knowledge whatsoever of what was going to happen in the inaugural weekend’s college football games. Kenny was out there dove hunting using a slingshot made out of kitten intestines. He was also being fellated literally the entire time. I guess you could say he was a bit water-logged.

Anyways, cast your eyes upon Kenny’s metaphorical crystal ball where you will gaze in astonishment at otherworldly accurate picks as well as a photograph of Paul Johnson gettin’ it on with the male version of that thing from Splice.

This fuckin' guy

Now, onto Kenny’s picks.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

#8 WISKY BADGERS (-21) OVER OREGON STATE BEEVUHS
Normally we’d call Vegas’ bluff on this much of a spread, but Oregon State dun goofed against FCS powerhouse Sacramento State in their season opener. Beavers RB Malcolm Agnew rushed for a FBS-leading 233 yards and 3 TDs in a losing effort and he could cause some fits for a Wisconsin defense that looked sluggish at times in their opener against UNLV.

#16 MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS (-5.5) OVER AUBURN TIGERS
We feel like this one is a jackpot pick but there is a slim slim slim chance that Auburn could be sneaky good against its SEC brethren this season. Awww who are we kidding? Gus is going to need more than just QB pixie dust this year. This one is going to be a bloodbath to the tune of a plural touchdown victory for MSU.

EAST CAROLINA PIRATES (+17) OVER #11 VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES
Hold up bruh, not falling for this shit again. We’d rather stare at Frank Beamer’s goiter for two days than buy into VT beating by 17 on the road an ECU team that shat upon South Carolina for much of their matchup last week. ECU had problems stopping Lattimore (no shit) and VT RB David Wilson is no Marcus Lattimore. We’d like to give the Hokies the nod here because Beamer actually was quoted as saying, “There’s no question it’s going to be fast and furious,” which is pretty fucking awesome since Vin Diesel and the Rock are our idols but Kenny “Poundin Your Daughter” Rogers is making these picks, not us.

ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS (-8.5) OVER #21 MISSOURI TIGERS
This is definitely not a safe pick by any means since everyone associated with ASU is a mere sliver away from death. The blistering inferno due to a combination of it being Arizona and wearing all black probably doesn’t bode well for anyone not named Satan. I checked the weather and it’s apparently going to be over 2,400 degrees at field level for this one and wearing black is just fucking retarded so ASU gets Kenny’s sympathy pick.

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like going down on a girl you met at Pink Pony South.

NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (-3) OVER MICHIGAN WOLVERINES
BRIAN KELLY WILL BUTTFUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH IF YOU EVER DROP A PASS LIKE THAT AGAIN IN HIS BEAUTIFULLY OILED OFFENSIVE MACHINE. All signs should point towards Michigan covering in this one with it being the first night game EVER in Ann Arbor as well as having Denard Robinson on their side, but then we remembered that it’s Michigan and Notre Dame of new and not Michigan and Notre Dame of old so this will turn out looking like two sloths playing leapfrog. Rich Rod will be observing the game from one of the Big House’s self-serve nacho condiment stations which he is now a supervis– EXCUSE ME, YES, YOU SIR, TWO SQUIRT LIMIT ON THE QUESO PLEASE. SERIOUSLY THIS IS NOT A BUFFET. MAYBE ONE DAY UNICEF WILL GET INTO THE NACHO CONDIMENT INDUSTRY BUT UNTIL THEN PLEASE FOLLOW THE 2-SQUIRT LIMIT PER BAG OF TOSTITOS.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK RAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

#2 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (-10) OVER #23 PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS
Expect the Tide to roll big over the Nittany Lions and kill Joe Paterno in the process. Wait, nope, he’s still alive and he’s just napping and his bowels just happened to evacuate oh GOD please let there be some wet wipes nearby this one looks like tub girl in real life. Also, rooting against Alabama means you hate America.

GEORGIA BULLDOGS (+3) OVER #12 SAKERLINA GAMECOCKS
Obligatory homer pick. Come at me bro.

#18 FLORIDA GATORS (-23.5) OVER UAB BLAZERS
We expect (with sadness and regret) Florida to actually be very good this season and their talent and coaching staff (on paper) is no match for UAB in this one. Also, Coach BOOM MOTHERFUCKER said he would kill us with a rusty spoon whittled into a prison shank if we said anything negative about his team.

CINCINNATI BEARCATS (+4.5) OVER TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS
Because fuck Tennessee.


‘Keyes’ to the game…

Run that I, You'll Be FINE!

…brought to you today by none other than Alan Keyes.  The failed Republican Senate candidate that ran against Premier Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate election. He was also featured in the smash vom-in-your-mouth hit, “Borat” (but I couldn’t find the clip…shit).  Here are his keyes (if you will) to the game Saturday against the Cocks.

Inspector G: “Alan, thanks for being here.”

Keyes: “Glad to be here…uh…Inspector G is it?”

Inspector G: “Yes it is.  These are prepared questions, so I hope you answered them.”

Keyes: “Oh yeah, I answered them, better than Obama answered his birthing issue.  Or better than he answers teapartiers at townhall meetings.  Or better than he can answer the question about reducing our debt. Or better than…”

Inspector G: “Please, get on with the questions…ok, great, thanks.”

Keyes: “Well, I will give you three keys to the Dawgs winning the game for offense and defense.  Let’s start first with the defense.  First off, we need a strong fiscal front.  I would imagine that the ‘Cocks…hehe I said Cocks…would come out and try to exploit some underneath screens and crossing patterns over the middle much like the Boise St offense did last week.  Although with a running back like Lattimore, I imagine the Visor will think about doing that, but won’t go to that look until UGA has proven they can stop first, Lattimore, and second get pressure on Ashton Kutcher Garcia.  Once the dawgs do so (and I think they will and probably cause at least one turnover) I see the Visor going to that underneath stuff.  The question will be then is whether Grantham will put the D in a Nickel or Dime to stop it.  Since we will not be out of our base 3-4 as much this week I think he will.  I don’t know if Rambo’s return will mean a much better secondary, but who knows.  I’ve been wrong before (see my Senate Campaign circa 2004)”

Inspector G: “That’s a pretty solid report on the D, Alan.  I’m impressed.”

Keyes: “(in a STERN almost offended voice, yet quickly delivered) Why of course it was! This isn’t amateur hour! Now for the offense.  I’m not sure what our destination was, but I look at part of this offense like Obama’s campaign slogan “Change You Can Believe In”.  Keep that change.  Although, Inspector G, I know we differ on part of the offense. You liked the no huddle idea.  I don’t I would like to see them huddle, get their bearings, and then fire away.  They took 78% of the snaps out of the shotgun and the run game was worse than an all-night coke-fest jam binger with Pelosi and Barbara Boxer with no rubbers. Hehe. Seriously, the I is a lost art and that is why the Dawgs have been so successful in this formation.  Also, I want to tell Bobo to attack what the defense gives you.  If they blitz their ass off, run a screen and make them pay.  If their corners bail on every pass play, run something in the middle underneath, or a seamer.  Look, if you breakdown the Boise game, each time UGA said, “Look her meow, I’m gonna match up one and one and tell you to beat me.” they scored a TD.  Simple as that.  Also, those receivers have to catch the ball.  No excuses for dropped passes.  Speaking of recievers, Orson Charles really shouldn’t leave the field. What did he have over 100 yards and a touchdown or two?”

Inspector G: “Actually it was 109 yards and one touchdown”

Keyes: “Whatever.  Also, I would like to see Boykin and Smith take some snaps, just to see what happens.  Fastest players, most explosive players, touching the football=good idea.  Raising taxes, not cutting spending, masking additional “stimulus” to the tune of 450,000,000,000 (yep, that’s BILLION) by stating it is ‘job creation money’ = bad idea.  You know, back when I was running for…”

Inspector G: “Ok, that’s all the time we have.  Thanks Alan. We’ll see you next week…maybe.”

He’s taller in person.

-Inspector G

I Love the Interwebs…

About 4 Years ago, Captain introduced me to the Georgia Sports Blog.  At the time, Paul Westerdawg and Company provided the wittiest and honest UGA sports blogging around.  I mean these guys were on point.  But, just like us here at Hailtothee, they have real lives (and apparently REAL wives, too) and their frequency of posts and content slipped.  But, it lookes like they’re back in action with this latest one.

Sit back and relax: THIS is pure gold!

-Inspector G

The most honest UGA Preview In the World: Defense Edition

I am short on time getting ready…quick breakdown:

Strenths:

I look at our defense and I see probably top to bottom the most talented defense we’ve had since 2002.  I’m serious.  I see the fastest linebacking core in the SEC.

I think the game comes down to our front 3 taking up 2 holes a piece and letting the linebackers roam free looking for dinner.

I gotta go…GO DAWGS!

-Inspector G

Yes, I am THAT Inspector G…

“Hello,  I clicked on your website and thought it was pretty cool.  You need to update more.  But I take it you are the same Inspector G that trolls the AJC blogs about Matthew Stafford and Amicis in Athens?  I ask because I think they are pretty f$%&ing stupid yet pretty funny.  Is Amici’s good?  I’ve always wanted to try it.  -Nick the Accountant”

That is a real message that I got in my private message box in twitter (@REALInspectorG).  I messaged him back and told him I would post on this site for the answer.  So I guess if you read this Nick, between your W2’s and green visors, now you know.

How about the rest of you?  Surprised?  Shocked?  Have no idea what the hell I’m talking about?  Do me a favor: go to google type in ‘inspector G ajc’ and read the blog thread trolling that I’ve been doing.  I think you’ll like them.  For example (27th comment from the top, sometimes you’ve gotta search a little) the title of the Op-Ed is “Weiner to quit; Dems seek new excuse to ignore debt crisis”:

Matthew Stafford once met Rep. Weiner. That’s right, Matt had just been drafted by Detroit and went to New York with a lady friend of his to celebrate. Rep. Weiner recognized him on the street, came over and struck up a conversation. Matt, being the gentleman and international man of leisure he is, spoke with Rep. Weiner in a most accommodating manner. They discussed everything from football to politics. As the conversation went on, Matt noticed that Rep. Weiner kept looking at his lady friend with ‘meat-gazer’ style eyes and then asked her if she was on Twitter. Matt knew then that this Twittgergate would all go down, warned the congressman, but the warning fell on deaf ears. Matt is reported to have said, ‘If you keep staring at my lady friend, I’m gonna sock you one in the mouth.” It is also rumored that before he decided to resign, the good congressman called Matt (who was in Athens) for advice. Matt flew him down to Athens, where their conversation took place at Amici, in which the congressman was so overwhelmed by how delicious the buffalo chicken garcheemar was and by how many new lady friends Matt lined up for him, he wasn’t so much worried about this scandal as he was wiping that scrumptious garcheemar off of his face. He subsequently follows Matt on twitter at MattStafford9…he now addresses him as Mr. Stafford.
-Inspector G

So go view my offseason work and enjoy yourself.

PS- I’m watching the UK v WKU game and Kentucky looks like shit. 4th quarter and it’s a punter’s wet dream. Uk leading 7-3.

Oh and Nick, Amici’s is f-ing delicious.  Order either the buffalo chicken garcheemar (fried chicken, dipped in buffalo sauce, on top of a Italian bread with melted cheese, and Italian herbs)…get the honey hot with blue cheese.  Also, their wings are the best wings this side of Louisiana.  Try the honey 2X extra crispy.  Awesome place owned by awesome folks.

-Inspector G

 

 

The Most Honest UGA Preview in The World: Offense Edition

Received several requests on Twitter (@REALInspectorG) and abroad to do a season preview about what I thought about the season and the first game.  Get ready for some honest homerism.

OFFENSE:
I look around this unit and I see two things: Loads of Talent and Very Little Depth.  On the plus side, Crowell seems to be as advertised. Murray may be the next Heisman to wear the red and black.  Ben Jones eats grass and 1 techniques for brunch.  From all of the reports I have read and heard (and trust me, I’ve looked at more than my fair share) that our core looks good.  I’m hearing Samuel can still tote the rock.  I’ve been told that the receivers have been stepping up, especially Marlon Brown.  This scares me.  Why?  Because this is the same type of happy talk we hear every year and the average Chinese Buffet frequenting Georgia fan is main-lining it like fresh cut heroin.  I’ll be skeptical on this unit as a whole until we put up 40+ on Boise and the ‘Cocks.  I mean c’mon, I’ve been hearing about how awesome Marlon Brown is for the past two seasons and the only thing he’s been good for is giving humorous facebook status updates about slaying white girls.  Don’t believe me? Go ‘friend’ him.  I look at Murray, Charles, King, and the O-line and I feel like we can be efficient enough to keep us in every game, but unless all this ‘happy talk’ translates on the field, we won’t be world beaters this year.  However, if these guys do step up and start producing on a high level (damn, I sound like a coach) the big O could be scary.  I think Aaron Murray is the best QB in the SEC and if he can have some things fall his way, he may be considered one of the top 3 in the nation by the time this season ends.

QUICK HITTERS:

Best Players/Impacts (in order of importance)
Aaron Murray- Absolute film rat, prepares better than probably every QB in the nation save Kellen Moore, will throw 27 TD’s run for 6 more, will still make more plays with his feet than our fan base will admit and Richt wants.

Ben Jones – ranked 1 or 2 best center (depending on what publication you read), was named the all out leader of the team by Murray and others (as reported by Radi Nabulsi), anchors the 2nd best o-line in the SEC should they all stay healthy.

Orson Charles: I would put him at no 2 but my lineman background wont let me, best TE in the nation, best TE in the nation, best TE in the nation, look for him to be flexed out in space 30-40% of the time as a full-time receiver.

MOST INTERESTED IN SEEING:
Richard Samuel: Why not Crowell?, because I honestly think he will do fine, but so much depends on Samuel from leadership, to blocking assignments, to actually toting the rock.  UGA’s best running game in the past decade was a 2-headed monster featuring Thomas Brown and Knowshon Moreno.  Moreno carried it more, but Brown laid the hammer down.  I think these two need each other to be more than just ‘good’.

PLAYER THAT WILL BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME BY THE END OF THE YEAR
Malcome Mitchell.  Just wait.

-Inspector G