Monthly Archives: September 2011

Celebrity Power Rankings

Hail to Thee debuts a new weekly feature starting right now. It is the Celebrity Power Rankings. Each week, we will interview a real life celebrity or sports personality and ask for his or her college football top 10 power rankings, as well as any comments or justifications if we give them a strong look of consternation for homer or retard picks.

In this inaugural edition, we bring you the official power rankings as chosen by none other than Ric “the Nature Boy” Flair!

 

1. LSU Tigers
Those cajuns get the top nod after defeating not only the Mountaineers, but an attack on their team buses by an actual, living, breathing flaming couch.

2. South Carolina Gamecocks
Because I love those Cocks.

3. Alabama Crimson Tide
Because I love Forrest Gump.

4. 1972 Plymouth Duster with a slant-6
The Charger’s little brother with an extra chromosome.

5. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Lou Holtz has this program on the right track.

6. Boise State Broncos
I’ll take a chance on the new kid just like I took a chance on Arn Anderson joining the Four Horsemen.

7. Nebraska Corn Shuckers
Their coach is so mad!

8. Wisconsin Badgers
This physique wouldn’t have been possible without cheese. Also because the honey badger doesn’t give a shit and does what it wants.

9. The Figure Four
Once I have it locked in, there is no escape… nor is there mercy.

10. Clemson Tigers
I like their coach and the intensity he brings to the game. He reminds me of a younger version of myself in the middle of a cocaine-fueled blur of a night featuring mixtures of uppers and downers.

Fuzzy regards,
The Nature Boy

Vaught-Hemingway Stadium/Ole Miss Review…

No, this is really not going to be a review of the game, but a review of the fan experience in Oxford.  I mean you all saw the game, right?  You saw us compile 475 yards of total offense and only score 27 points.  Our defense was lights out and the offense is one cylinder away from being really a high powered one.

If you stand under the stairs just right....

Onto the Review:

Traffic/Traffic Control:  F –

One cop on the entire exit.  Took us nearly 35 minutes to go 500 ft to the parking lot. And if it wasn’t for a UGA fan letting us in, it would’ve taken longer.  If I was a donor there, this issue would be addressed ASAP.

Parking: A

The parking lot we picked was close to the stadium, easy to get to (once we got off the exit), affordable (15.00), and had lots of portapottys.

Tailgating: A+

Does it get better than The Grove?  I don’t think so.  If you’ve never been there, you owe it to yourself to go before you die.  Ole Miss fans do it right and have the best tailgating in the world, BAR NONE.

Talent: Whats better than A++++++?  Whatever that is.

This is the most diabolical collection of dime pieces in one place that the world have ever seen.  It was spiritual.

Distance to Stadium (from tailgate): A

300 yards maybe?  SWEET

Fans: A+

The most kindhearted and genuine people (as a fan base) you’ll ever meet.  Warm, talkative, and welcoming: these people are the epitome of Southern Hospitality and Class.  Georgia fans take note.

Stadium Crowd Control/Entrance: F-

The worst and I mean WORST line I’ve ever had to wait in (even worse than Neyland and that’s saying something).  The entrance gate was too narrow and only had 2 ticket takers and no line structure or control.  It was awful.  Almost a 20 minute wait in a 50 yard long line (and it grew).  We thought we would actually miss the kickoff.  It really made you appreciate Sanford and all the UGA fans were saying so.

Stadium Atmosphere: B+

Can’t give an A to a place that seats only 60,580 (although official attendance was only 58,000) and has a fan base that are not rivals with us.  It was nice, but not spectacular.  We traveled well.   VERY well.  I thought about 25% (or more) in the stadium were UGA fans.

Concessions: F- – – (that’s 3 minuses)

Last time we were there, I would have rated it a B, but before halftime they were out of everything save Coca cola and water.  That was it.  Uber fail.

Bathrooms: F -x10

The bathroom in our section went ‘out’ midway through the first quarter and we had to walk to the other side of damn-nation to relieve ourselves.  It is inexcusable to have a bathroom fail and even worse when you can’t fix it.  Also the amount of bathrooms is unacceptable given the amount of people that stadium sits.  There has to be a line ALWAYS.

Stadium Music: B+

Apparently the Ole Miss Stadium Music Guy read HTT last week because this is what played during opening kickoff: P Diddy’s ‘Come With Me’ and then then came the Black Keys, ACDC, and LMFAO.  BUT, they also played that Zombie Nation OOOoooOOOoooOOO bullshit.  They’re fans don’t like it either…and it shows.

Field Appearance/Play: B –

Field looked great (but it is field turf), but way too many slips given that is was field turf.

Traffic control on exiting: F – –

Again, poorly executed, not enough cops, waited in the parking lot way too long in a stale mate.

OVERALL: A

Ole Miss needs to say ‘thank you’ to their fans, the grove, and the talent because if that’s not there, this overall is definitely a ‘C-‘.  Crowd control, traffic, and bathrooms are of utmost importance and you screwed those up royaly.

Thanks for the good time Oxford and The University of Mississippi.

-Inspector G

The Gambler, week 4

The Original Silverback (™), Kenny Rogers, comes bearing gifts in the form of fail-proof fucking football picks. Without further adieu, Hailtothee.com brings you Kenny’s week 4 notables. There is quite a slew of good match-ups scheduled for Saturday so Kenny’s got a slew of picks to choose from.

EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN?

NORTH CAROLINA +7 OVER (25) GEORGIA TECH
The Jackets have literally played dogshit teams these first three weeks. They even wasted a bunch of cotton and materials on some shitty t-shirts commemorating a win over a Kansas team that’s actually weighing the pros and cons of re-hiring Mark Mangino. UNC will be bringing the most athletic defense in the ACC to Bobby Dodd stadium so expect Tech to fall quite short of its gaudy season averages for yards gained or points scored.

MASSACHUSETTS +10.5 OVER BOSTON COLLEGE (LOL)
Because BC is awful. Not Murmphis awful, but awful nonetheless. Back-to-back losses to UCF (30-3) and Duke (20-19) have the Eagles reeling and without momentum heading into this match-up which will likely be overlooked by BC with Wake Forest, Clemson, VT, Maryland, and FSU all looming ahead.

(15) FLORIDA -19.5 OVER KENTUCKY
Will COACH BOOM MOTHERFUCKER‘s Gators make it 25 in a row over Kentucky? Most likely. But by a 20 point margin? Probably so. In the world of analogies, the Wildcat offense is a kitten and the Gator defense is a residential wood chipper so this could get ugly real fast if UK doesn’t protect the ball.

(21) CLEMSON -3 OVER (11) FLORIDA STATE
The injury bug looks to have hit FSU with QB EJ Manuel’s uncertainty and a visit to Death Valley is definitely not the cure. Clemson can assume the reins of the ACC Atlantic division with a win on Saturday. We asked Coach Dabo Swinney about the significance of a win over FSU, which hasn’t won at Clemson since 2001: “RAWRUGSRGOHGOISNJRGFVNR UNBELIEVEABLE HGYUSERGSF COOL COOL IIUHRGISUIRNG ICE WATER VEINS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

KENNY’S RELATIVELY SAFE BETS
And by safe we mean safe like sending your credit card information over to that Nigerian gentleman who plans to send you the $10 million dollars that was willed to you by someone you’ve never heard of, sir and/or madam.

(2) LOUISIANA STATE -6 OVER (16) WEST FUCKIN’ VIRGINIA
Unless fiery couches fall from the heavens onto the LSU sidelines, expect the Tigers to romp all over the squad coached by LORD HOLGOR. LSU should be considered the #1 team in the nation right now and they’ve played arguably the toughest schedule in the country thus far so they’re battle-tested and ready for what’s going to be a debaucherous night in Morgantown. A night filled with furniture being set ablaze, Sharpie-made West “Fuckin” Virginia t-shirts (since the school is buying them all back), and non-consenting intercourse.

VANDERBILT +15.5 OVER (12) SAKERLINA
James Franklin is getting the most out of this squad of over-achievers (s0 far). The Commodores lead the SEC with 12 forced turnovers and South Carolina has been playing like a steaming heap of jungly gorilla shit. A few balls bounce in Vandy’s favor and we could be looking at a completely different SEC East scenario.

ARIZONA STATE -1.5 OVER (23) SOUTHERN CAL
The Trojans are looking for their 12th consecutive win over ASU but Lane Kiffin will fuck it up somehow by going for (and failing to achieve) two-point conversions after each score. Also, Brock “Bill Brasky” Osweiler plays QB for the Sun Devils. He stands at an astounding 18 feet 3 inches tall and his jersey is made of tyrannosaurus rex foreskin.

GEORGIA -10 OVER OLE MISS
Mississippi is the worst team in the SEC and as a game progresses, they get shittier and shittier. We suspect that a fellow like Houston Nutt doesn’t command very much admiration and charisma from his players because we’ve seen some very uninspired football coming out of the Rebel Black Bears as of late. If Georgia doesn’t absolutely fucking maul Ole Miss then it’s going to raise some tempers in Athens. Don’t even speak of a loss to the Rebels.

(7) OKLAHOMA STATE +4.5 OVER (8) TEXAS A&M
The line here doesn’t really follow any logic or convention. Actually, wait, that’s backwards. The polls don’t follow any fucking logic or convention. Derp. This one will probably be decided by less than a TD so it’s a tough pick and the Gambler is just basing this one off of how much he admires Mike Gundy for being a fucking man who is 44.

(3) ALABAMA -11 OVER (14) ARKANSAS
Arkansas DE Jake Bequette, a relentless force on the line, is scratched from this week’s game with a hammy injury so the Tide’s slow and methodical ground game will eventually mount and penetrate the Arkansas D with resistance at first, followed by lethargic acceptance.

“Oh shit.”

COLORADO +16.5 OVER OHIO STATE
We watched a reply of the Miami/Ohio State game from last week and thought to ourselves (and screamed aloud), “what the fuck am I looking at here?” whenever Todd Boeckman Joe Bauserman was on the field. Luke Fickel has this shit under control though, bro, trust him. Affliction shirts for errbody!

 

‘Keyes’ to the Game…Ole Miss Rebel Bear/Hottie Totti Edition

Again brought to you by none other than the man himself, no 62 In the East Illinois State Fighting June Bugs circa 1968 program and no 1 in your hearts, the savior of brothers in conservative altruism…without further adieu: Mr. Alan Keyes!

"The Hot-Seat Bowl? What, is Obama gonna be there?"

 

Inspector G: So welcome back, Alan…

Keyes: Good to be here, Inspector….good to be here…I tell ya what.  This crank Obama.  He is seriously using bridges for props now?  Shovel Ready?  What does that even mean?  I know that…

Inspector G:  Sir, you do realize this is a Sports site, right?

Keyes:  Of course I do.  Who do you think I am?  Anthony Weiner?  Some pale faced fool without the chops?

Inspector G:  No sir.  Just give me your ‘keyes’ to the game so I can get the hell out of this Chinese Buffet.  I find it rather appauling you insisted on meeting here.

Keyes: Look, this Moo Goo Gai Pan is the shiat.  Hold on a sec…waiter!  (Snaps fingers)   Waiter?! (shakes empty glass with ice and a young man of oriental descent approaches).  Look here, (while doing some weird hand motions and speaking to the waiter in a typical American assholish manner) Youuu make meee crab rangooonsss?  (The waiter simply answers, with no accent, ‘Sure.  I’ll be right back.)  Hmm..that guy apparently spoke engrish….hahaha.

Anyways Inspector, I’ll get to the point.  This Georgia team has been a confusing one to say the least.  We have that debacle in the Dome.  Then turn around and have a good showing against a very legit South Carolina team.  It could’ve been great but we couldn’t take care of the ball.  I honestly see a lot of promise in this team.  I wont go on record to say they will be world beaters by the end of the season, but they might.  This game really shouldn’t tell us too much overall (unless they lose).  I’m kinda expecting a blowout, actually.

Here’s how they’ll do it: A very balanced attack on offense.  I know that is kind of cliche when speaking of the offense lately, but I really feel that this will be one of those game where we will have 240 passing yards 200 rushing yards and score 42-48 points.  I see Crowell getting the call for the corner several times early and if we can just slow down their OLB’s he should be off to the races.  I can also see Murray letting it rip.  He’s been above average this year, but not stellar.  I think this game is primed for him to become that QB we all wanted to see.

Look, Ole Miss Rebel Hottie Bear Admiral Ackbars took one in the mouth last week against Vandy.  They may be playing for the Nuttsters job, but whose to say the underclassmen even want him there anymore.  He’s like Les Miles Lite: All the calories, half the flavor.  I think this team is fragile and on the brink.  This is quite an advantage for the dawgs in my opinion and I think they are just the team to push them off the ledge.

For the defense I anticipate another above average game.  Maybe a turnover mid-way through, but I don’t see the defense pick 6-ing like Vandy did.  Why you ask?  Because poor QB play for the opposing team doesn’t seem to ever be the norm for UGA since Reggie Ball left Tech.  I see very strong showings on third downs, as has been the case all year.  But where I’m prediciting something new is in the sack department.  This Quarterback Ole Miss has is screwed up mind fucked after last weeks debacle.  After throwing so many picks last week, he will be uber prone to hold hold hold onto the ball versus throwing it into the grasp of our safeties.  I predict 6 sacks for the game a la a corner blitz, jones blitz, and John Jenkins bone crusher bullrush.

So there ya go.

Inspector G:  Well, thanks Alan.  That was great.  Appreciate you taking the…

Keyes: Now for something super special: my talking points for meet the press tonight…

Inspector G: OK, cut.

-Inspector G

Tonight’s Freshman Spotlight…Michael Bennett

I love the guts of this kid.  I really do.  He seems not only to have sticky fingers, but looks to be a tad faster than Durham.  Kids like this make me excited about the rest of this season, especially Saturday.

Little hope fairies just runnin a muck in my heart.

-Inspector G

Someone Has Got Some ‘Splainin To Do Part II…

What the hell is going on with the music in Sanford Stadium???    What is this Zombie Nation OOOoooOOOoooOOO bullshit?  Are we GA Tech now?  What is this “Jump Around” nonsense from House of Pain?   I am perplexed.  Our stadium music was fine.  Or at least adequate. Now, just like our recent records, look of the field, and a part of our fan base it too is abysmal.

If you looked around the stadium when this garbage was being played (and sponsored by Academy which I will now be boycotting) fans were looking around with their hands up and I heard countless, “What is this shit?” exclamations.  It makes me sick.  Well I’m gonna list a couple of songs that I think we could utilize to not only ‘hype up’ the crowd, but also send a message that this Stadium is uniquely Georgia and that it is in the music capital of the state: ATHENS.  Home of the B-52s, REM, Drive By Truckers, Widespread Panic, etc.  We should act like it.  So besides The Who’s Baba O’Reiley, here is the list that I have compiled.  Some old, some new, some surprises.

Those can be used for kickoffs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMUgmU_Hsjc&feature=player_detailpage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWeAtLr8bX4&feature=player_detailpage

These can be used for warm ups…

I mean hell, anything other than that Zombie Nation horseshit.

I know this my seem trivial to some of you, but I feel like we’ve changed things just to change them…

*UPDATE:  I thought of some other traditions that are changed as well.  The spell GEORGIA cheer is now done at the beginning of the game and NOT at halftime.  And the band location has also moved and is right beside the other team’s band and they muddle together in this cluster of sounds.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Inspector G

 

 



 

 

Someone Has Got Some ‘Splainin To Do…Part I

There was a time, not too long ago, when going to a UGA game was more than a game.  It was more than a crowd, or an event, or a win.  It was an EXPERIENCE.  An experience that was uniquely Georgia.  An experience that was not only entertaining, but (In my opinion) was an experience that rivaled every other SEC Stadium’s experience bar none.

Sitting in Sanford Stadium on last Saturday night, looking at our field and listening to whale-squeeze for music, longing for 2005 didn’t just extend to our record.  That poor pitiful field (grass and hedges not included).  It has been stripped down to a vanilla, pathetic, former version of what we all want it to be.  In 2008, they removed the red outline.  In 2009, they removed the red outline from the numbers on the field.  In 2010, they made the field numbers and hash marks thinner.  In 2011, THEY REMOVED THE ‘G’ SYMBOL on the goal line!  I know I wasn’t the only one to notice this because I heard the bitching from every corner of the stadium.

The red outlines, the larger lines, and for God’s sake the ‘G’ goal line symbol were all pieces of a sacred and ultimate game experience.  Now they are gone.  Chipping away at all of these things have left me and my game going buddies I sit with not only yearning for the past, but also lamenting the present and dreading the future.

This is what it SHOULD look like on Saturdays...

Where does it stop? Does it even stop.  This all may sound trivial to some of you, but it really strikes a chord with me.  If you take away all of the things that make that Stadium and our football team uniquely Georgia, then what do we become?  Answer: Another mediocre team, with mediocre fans, playing and sobbing together in a mediocre stadium.

Please write, as I have Greg McGarity on this issue.  Maybe some traction can be gained, who knows.  Mark my words, if McGarity ever comes to speak at any of the East Metro Bulldog Club meetings, I will ask him this question.  In the meantime, please email or write the athletic office if you are as concerned as I am.

*I will be posting a Part II on the horid bullshit Zombie Nation trash, music played before kickoffs.

Please feel free to opine in the comments section…

-Inspector G

 

Just Simple ‘Ole Me, Just Asking a Simple ‘Ole Favor

I’ve got 7 followers on twitter.  7…

I need a favor. Can you and would you faithful HTT followers give a couple of shoutouts or tell your friends to follow me @REALInspectorG?  The reason I ask is that Captain and I have had some traction here over the past couple of days and we are going try to start selling be-bop finagling ads/ ad-banners.

For what it’s worth, we did appreciate the views guys and gals.

One more thing.  If you feel like it, please use the comments to make any suggestions or what you want more or less of.  We do this for bragging rights, but lately our hits have spiked something serious.

-Inspector G

The Nothing Spreads…

Sometimes I hate it when I’m right about my hunches.  I felt that we COULD win.  I felt that we WOULD play well.  I felt that we SHOULD’VE had almost every advantage playing at home.  But I THOUGHT we would still find a way to lose.  And truth be told, I hate that it happened.  Especially late in the fourth quarter, when I started to feel that rush of winning come over me.  Then came the worst. And I sat there, in Section 115 staring out into the nothing-ness that was previously one of the best games I’ve ever seen in Sanford that UGA did not win. Kind of like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBebPeoUbJA&feature=player_detailpage

Except in our case, our native American, purple buffalo hunting, man children lost. G’mork and the Visor got lucky enough breaks to sink their teeth into us one last time.

As funny as it sounds, G’mork’s little speech here has direct parralels with our fan base’s feeling right now.

The way I see it, maybe Mark Richt can find a shard of rock Crowell and Murray and kill that son-of-a-bitch.  But, I’ve been wrong before.

I do want it to be clear, I was really impressed the way the guys stayed in the game, even with their backs against the wall.  That brings some hope.  I was very proud of that.

– Inspector G