The Gambler, week 6
This week’s Original Silverback ™ notable lines are brought to you by Pemmican’s fine assortment of beef jerky. Not because Pemmican actually sponsors anything, but because Kenny loves him some beef jerky (it was a staple of his youth) and he actually grinds it into a fine powder and smokes it in his favorite pipe, which is named “Steve”.
WTF ARE YOU THINKING?!?
(19) SOUTH CAROLINA +6.5 VS. (1) ALABAMA
Nick Saban just called me a bitch for making this pick but the Cocks have been marinating in rage for the past two weeks in anticipation of this game. After losing by 8 at Auburn at the expense of four post-halftime turnovers has to at least give SC some confidence. As per usual with most of our picks though, this will likely end in embarrassment and humiliation, much like Paul Johnson’s sex life.
(14) FLORIDA -6.5 VS. (12) LSU
Honestly this pick is about as risky as jamming your dick into an inhabited muskrat hole but we think ole Les used up his last ounce of pixie dust last week with the foreskin-thin escape against the Fightin’ Dooleys. Les Miles’ dumbassery can be overcome by talent advantages over teams like Tennessee, but dicking around on the sideline instead of actually coaching against Florida will result in a big red L.
KENNY’S SAFE BETS
(17) MICHIGAN STATE +4.5 @ (18) MICHIGAN
We’re not sold on ESPN’s latest sack riding victim’s (Denard Robinson) durability so this one should be a common sense easy pick. Michigan’s patsie fest comes to an end against the team that just dispatched Wisconsin and we don’t expect the Wolverine defense to progress out of shitty mode which it appears to be stuck in.
TENNESSEE -11 @ GEORGIA
We think Vegas was collectively high when favoring Georgia by 11. We’ve personally picked Georgia to win every game thus far this season but the fucking opponents just don’t want to cooperate. These picks all made while wearing Homer glasses and red pants, of course. We think Georgia wins (duh), but not this big. Tennessee comes out flat after experiencing PMS-like emotional swings last week.
“JUMP ON IT” Line of the Week
(8) AUBURN -6.5 @ KENTUCKY
After seeing Kentucky’s defense get shat upon two weeks in a row by Florida and Ole Miss, Cam Newton’s gotta be feeling like Chris Rainey in a room full of scantily clad snowbunnies. This pick is a no-brainer.
The “NO ONE CARES EXCEPT SWEET LOU AND MARCY MAY” Line of the Week
NOTRE DAME -7 VS. PITT
Rumor has it that winner of this bet will get to sleep with the other guy’s spouse. We expect Lou Holtz to be not-so-pleasantly surprised when he finds out that Mark May’s wife is his left hand. Lou’s left hand that is. Mark took an instant liking to it when he found that it had fallen off of Lou several years ago and was lying under the podium on the set of Thursday Night College Football. Lou’s left hand joins a growing list of missing objects which have yet to be turned in to ESPN’s lost & found. This includes but is not limited to Chris Berman’s wig, Stuart Scott’s eye, and Pam Ward’s dick.
There you have it. Take it to the bank. But don’t dare blame us when a couple blacked out Escalades show up at your house one night after not paying up.