Monthly Archives: October 2010

GATA BLISS…GO GATA…

If you have never seen or heard this and always wonder why I refer to Urban Meyer as “Corch Meyers” or Percy Harvin as “Percy Harvey”, then now you will know…

Told you we were pulling out all of the stops.  I like to sit back with about 4 fingers of Knobb Creek and just listen to this rumbling yet entertaining diatribe.  For our reader’s convenience, I have placed one without subtitles and one with.  If you have never sen this, watch the non subtitle one first (the one on top…easy Burrow):

I don’t know what’s worse: her being that stupid or her being that stupid on our taxpayer dime.  Jacksonville, you should be embarrassed for yourself.  How can you elect this woman?  Her and Hank Johnson should go off to Guam and maybe it will capsize.

Enjoy

-Inspector G

The Zooker Was a Nice Guy…

Let’s look at some numbers and seech:

From Boys of Old Florida Blog:

Coaching staff 2006 Florida Gators

• Urban Meyer – Head Coach
• Steve Addazio – Tackles/Tight Ends
• Stan Drayton – Running Backs
• Billy Gonzales – Wide Receivers
• Chuck Heater – Recruiting Coordinator/Cornerbacks
• John Hevesy – Centers/Guards
• John “Doc” Holliday – Associate Head Coach/Safeties
• Greg Mattison – Co-Defensive Coordinator/Defensive Line
• Dan Mullen – Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks
• Charlie Strong – Assistant Head Coach/Co-Defensive Coordinator/Linebackers

Three of those men are now head coaches in their own right, with Strong at Louisville, Mullen at Mississippi State and Holliday at Marshall. Gonzales is at LSU, and Mattison with the Baltimore Ravens. Hevesy went with Mullen to MSU.

That leaves Addazio, Drayton and Heater from a staff that won the BCS title only a couple of years ago. Only 3 of the 9 assistants remain.

The coaching core of the Florida 2006 and 2008 BCS Champions weren’t constructed by Meyer when he came to Florida in 2005 – it was formed at Bowling Green in 2001. Mullen, Gonzalez and Hevesy all followed Meyer from Bowling Green to Utah, and then to Florida. Meyer and Mullen were together even before that at Notre Dame, with Meyer as the special teams coach and Mullen a graduate assistant. The two traveled the country learning the foundations of what would become the spread option from names like Scott Linehan and Joe Tiller. Then at Bowling Green, and later Utah, the two perfected what would later be so successful at Florida.

In other words, its as much Mullen’s offense as Meyer’s and perhaps, because Mullen did the play calling, even more so.

Further, don’t underestimate the loss of Charlie Strong. The Gators won the BCS titles in 2006 and 2008 as much on defense as offense.

All that coaching talent – gone. What remains is Meyer and the coaches that, for whatever reason, haven’t been seen fit to be hired away by other programs. The coaching heart (Strong) and soul (Mullen) of the championship teams are gone.

It happens everywhere, whether at FSU in the ‘90s or USC in the early part of the century. The best assistants leave, leaving the rest. Programs decline.

So what I’d like to see this weekend is some sign IT isn’t over. That doesn’t necessarily mean a win, it means the ability to fight when you are down. It means that spark, that passion that seems to be missing. It wasn’t too long ago opposing fans were taunting us when Meyer cried after a loss. Well, Urban “Crier” has a couple of little crystal trophies that your less emotional coaches don’t.

I want that guy back.

Because if it’s over, let’s get on with what’s next.”

Yeah, and D coordinators don’t make a difference?  Which brings me to our guy, Grantham.  Who week 2 of being here said this, “If you want to kick Florida’s ass, you better start working now!”.  Do you think he takes this seriously?

Back and forth I have tried to think about how far us and UF have fallen.  We have done a gradual tail off since 2007, fired a bunch of D coaches and some O realignments are almost surely to come this year.   UF has lost almost all every damn on of their top assistants to head coaching.  Not only that, look at how well they are doing.  If we win this weekend, I finally think we all can say that winning a MNC is not about having Tebow and Percy Harvey, but also about having an assload of talent in the press box, too.

-Thanks BG

Look for Meyers, unlike Richt, to cowardly blame everything except his coaching style and bolt for retirement or the NFL next year.  Good riddance.

-Inspector G

IT’S FLORIDA WEEK!!!!!!!

This is the biggest game of the year and honestly, it really wasn’t 2 weeks ago.  That’s why we here at HTT are pulling out all the stops and posting not only informative and insightful material, but material that will hopefully make you make fun of, guffaw at, and hate hate hate on all things gator.

First things first;  for yet another year, I cannot attend the game.  I have to work this weekend. Foxtrot Mike Lima.

Next, I will warn all of you ladies and/or female significant others out there to stay away from this guy:

"Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus" AKA: Avg UF Fan

Jeanus Shortus Douchebagus is found in and around trailer parks, central florida dive bars, and anywhere Pall Malls are sold.  These  idiots crazy assholes run around, all nimbly bimbly like, meth’d out and want to talk about anything UF football, which normally revolves around how good Tebow is, why screwing Tebow is not gay, and why Tebow should start every NFL game.

Also these idiots crazy assholes like UGA girls.  Normally a pick up line would start like this: “Hey baby, you ever flossed with 100% pure cotton before?  No? Would you like a shot of Patron with crusties in it and a cigarette?  No?  Aw hell, I’m just kidding.”  But they are not.  They are 11ty Billion% serious.

These folks are to be the on receiving end of relentless, tenacious, and voracious attacks on their personal, physical, and emotional health.  No holds barred. No family member stricken with cancer on her death or a slow opaquely simpleton child should be spared.  Use all you can, crush them mercilessly and when you’re done and they are crying pour salt, gasoline, Turbo AIDS, dicks, and a flame thrower in their wounds.  Basically defecate in and or around their souls, their very essence.

In the spirit of this week and Hallows Eve, here is a lovely picture captured by a true Dawg fan who gets the point.  This fine gentleman actually dressed up as a Gator fan for Halloween and lo and behold, he got a plethora of these: “What are you supposed to be?  A Florida fan?”  Ah, the irony is palpable.

"Just call me Randy"

Moving right along, I really like our chances in this one.  I think we might have finally hit rock bottom enough to not care about the ‘Jax Jinx’ bullcrap.  It’s about time we just forget about all of that mojo and quit pissing ourselves when we cross the state line.  Mark my words: Attitude will be the difference in this game, not talent.

More to come later.  Register for our feed so you automatically get the updates.  As one loyal and valued reader told me recently, “[Inspector G], I wasted like a whole Friday at work reading your site.  It was the most productive thing I’d done all week.”  Now THAT’s what I’m talking about.  Invite your UGA savvy and UF friends, too.  Tell them about us! Invite them to visit HTT, register, and subscribe.

In all seriousness Captain and I want to thank all of you: friends, readers, subscribers, our two new Post Ready Members (who have yet to post anything, so get with it…)…I know some of you might deem this a little too ‘racy’ or ‘profanity laced’, but if you do, you obviously don’t know us very well or our friends.  But again, THANK YOU!

More to come this week…wow, EPICNESS…stay tuned…

-Inspector G

Afterburner, Kentucky Edition

First things first, let me start by saying that the game was not even close and the score doesn’t reflect the complete and utter demolition of Kentucky on both sides of the ball. Now, those two late TD’s that UK got were absolute garbage and still shows me that our defense is still not there yet…but, they are still BETTER.

From the opening kickoff, to the 3 Justin Houston sacks, to Ealey’s 5 (COUNT THEM 5!) TD’s the Dawgs showed why the Ol’ Ball Coach says we’re playing the best ball in the conference right now. I hate that man, but I listen when he speaks.

Here we go, Helmet Bones and Grades:

Offense: Kept it out of reach from the start, we ran the ball well, DOMINATED the line of scrimmage (finally) and Murray plays another solid game with no INTs. On those goal line plays, we literally were blocking their DL’s out of the endzone. I would like to see the tight ends get involved more, but I can’t complain to much with any victory we get, but to continue to get them, the tight ends are too good to just let them block.

Grade A

Helmet Bone goes to Washaun Ealey. Again, 5 TD’s no fumbles, no further explanation necessary.

Defense: Had we not let up and allowed the Cats to score those last two garbage TD’s I would have given a higher grade, but then on the other hand Justin Houston was raping errrbody named Hartline, so it was a tough call. We are almost there now and I can at least say that we are much improved than a year ago and Alec Ogletree will be an absolute man-child in the near future.

Grade B+

Helmet Bone goes to Justin “Raping Errbody named Hartline” Houston. 3 sacks, 3 tackles for loss, absolutely a game changer.

Special Teams: Blair Walsh must have had a stomach flu, or found out he got hepatitis because nothing else explains him missing that field goal and PAT…hopefully whatever it is he can meditate enough to cure it. He lost the Groza last night.

But that was the only thing not ‘special’ about our special teams. As they kicked off to Boykin, I looked over at my father and said “Yeah, kick it to Boykin, he’s due” 8 seconds later he was in the endzone and I looked like Edgar Casey (famed psychic). Drew Butler punished the football like it was his bitch and kickoff coverage continues to be stellar.

Grade A

Helmet Bone goes to Brandon Boykin, and he is arguably the greatest kickoff returner in SEC history.

Coaching: As much as I’m sure some of you hate for me to say this, I’m still going to do it: We have a great coaching staff. Sure, Bobo looks hapless sometimes, but he didn’t have to do much last night because we were running the ball so well. Grantham finally has his defense clicking and it shows. Richt looks more fired up, more passionate, and under control.

Grade B+ because we still took one half of a year to get our shit together.

Helmet Bone goes to Warren Belin. He has his LB’s on a great track for success, is a smart coach, and is the reason why are special teams have improved so much on kick coverage.

So there you go. Sorry about the lack of posts this week, Captain and I are very busy this time of year and when you’re in the male escort business, you got to take it when and how you can.

Later in the week I will bombard you with info, quips, a funny video, and some more thoughts to ponder….IT’S FLORIDA WEEK!!!

– Inspector G

The Gambler, week 8

THIS HERE'S THE BAT FETCHER TRICK WITH MAH TEEEETH

After a 5-4-1 run last week (EXCUSE ME THAT’S BETTER THAN 50% SIR), Kenny serves up his notable week 8 college football spreads. Kenny would also like to remind everyone that he was raised on the dairy, bitch.

TENNESSEE +16.5 VS. #8 ALABAMA
The Fightin’ Doolies had an extra week to prepare for this one and they sure as shit kept it close on the road last year so I’m not buying into a spread that high with how tough these two teams generally play each other. Then again, relying on the past to make future predictions really bit me in the ass last week.

NORTH CAROLINA +6.5 @ MIAMI
Butch Davis is 3-0 against Miami since taking the reins at UNC and I expect him to remain perfect after visiting Joe Robbie Pro Player Sun Life JimmyBuffetLand what the fuck is this place called? FSU and THE OHIO STATE, SON won with explosive running offenses against the Hurricanes earlier this season and UNC does not have a consistent ground game to rely on, but expect several Hail Jacory’s to end up in the hands of the UNC secondary to make up for that. Straight-up may be a stretch, but definitely take UNC and the points.

GEORGIA -4.5 @ KENTUCKY
I actually feel very comfortable making this pick given the past two Georgia performances, especially on defense. Derrick Locke being out doesn’t hurt either because it removes that dimension from the Wildcat offense. This is combined with a statistical defensive and special teams advantage in Georgia’s favor. Kentucky may have “swagger” for the win last season but revenge and rage is on the minds of Georgia players not named Joe Cox. Expect the Dawgs to turn around their road woes tomorrow night. Phil Steele is big on Aaron Murray putting up a strong performance to boot.

Aaron Murray, Georgia-I used redshirt frosh Murray a couple of weeks ago against Tennessee and called for him to have a career day and he had 266 yds (68%) with a 2-0 ratio and added 41 rush yds (5.9) and 2 TD’s. The Bulldogs and Murray had 4 straight losses w/out WR AJ Green at full health but have outscored their last two opp’s by a combined 84-14 with him 100%. This week Murray faces a Kentucky pass defense that is drained from the come-from-behind win against South Carolina and I look for Murray to keep putting up solid numbers and he gets the Bulldogs back to .500. Murray is a surprise pick with the fact that he is only a frosh and Kentucky is off a huge upset over South Carolina last week.

NAVY +6.5 VS. NOTRE DAME
This is more of a spite pick because I hate leprechauns and Charlie Weis is fat. No shit he’s gone but the Doritos crumbs are still smeared into the carpet around what is now Brian Kelly’s desk and he’s pissed.

SAY 'YEAHHHHHHHHH'

#14 OKLAHOMA STATE +5.5 VS. #16 NEBRASKA
“HAHAHA good luck reading my hieroglyphics, Bo. Where’s my fucking hair product guys??” – Mike Gundy

WAT

#1 OKLAHOMA -3 @ #11 MISSOURI
I kind of expected this to be a higher spread but apparently someone in Vegas knows something the rest of us don’t. This should be clue #1 to take Mizzou and the points but I’m not that kinda guy. Scouts have said Blaine Gabbert gets antsy in the pocket when his target is blanketed and can morph into a Joe Coxian madman (without the purple chameleon skin), but this fact is null and void when confronted with a Willie Martinez coached secondary. I expect OU’s ground game to be the key to this game.

#6 LSU +6 @ #4 AUBURN
GAME OF THE YEAR OF WEEK 8. God loves Les Miles and his derpty-derp charisma so LSU will end up -4 in turnover margin yet will still manage to pull this one out.

CLEMSON -5.5 VS. GEORGIA TECH
This really could go either way because both teams either have it together or don’t. Pretty hard to figure them out due to horrible inconsistency, especially GT. In the past I’ve generally liked to see GT do well then get crushed in that last game in November because that’s what smart fans should want. However, my gut has recently been telling me to hope for GT to fail miserably. This all came to fruition when I saw a manatee of a bitch wearing a 6-XL GT hoodie adamantly cheering against Georgia during the Arkansas game this season. After getting a translation from a marine biologist, she was overheard saying, “I don’t even like Arkansas, but I hate Georgia.” Why were you even in Athens you disgusting mammoth whore? I apologize for the digression. Pick the ACC Tigers in this one.

WEAK GUYS. REAL FUCKING FUNNY GIVING ME THE MEXICAN BRICK WEED LACED WITH PCP. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Go Doggies!” – Burrow Bracket

Bobby Petrino Is A Piece of Horse Excriment

I knew this was the case when he literally, not proverbially mind you, f-d the Falcon players, fellow coaches, and management when he ‘midnight falconed’ his way to Fayetteville.


I just didn’t know it was this bad:  (From Get the Picture and the Senator who got it from Cincinnati.com) The quote is from Mike Zimmer, the former DC that Petrino had with the Falcons:

… Pretty good stuff, but it gets even better in his appraisal of Petrino:  “He is a coward. Put that in quotes. He ruined a bunch of people’s lives, a bunch of people’s families, kids, because he didn’t have enough nuts to stay there and finish the job. That’s the truth.”

When asked if he had seen a two days like that before, where the Falcons lost on Monday Night Football, a coach resigns and then is doing “Woo Pig Sooey” 24 hours later in front of Arkansas boosters, Zimmer said: “No, most people in football have enough courage about them and enough fight to stick through something and not quit halfway through the year. It is cowardly.

“He came in and said he resigned, he would talk to us all at a later date, walked out of the office and no one has ever talked to him since. Not that anybody wanted to.

“He’s a gutless b—–d. Quote that. I don’t give a s—.”

When told that we might might not be able to use the B word, Zimmer went one better: “How about this, gutless MF. You can use that.”

Piece of shit, told you.

-Inspector G

The SEC’s Tummy is Rumbling…Will UGA Feed it?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we are back in the hunt.  Granted, we have to keep winning a couple of strategic losses have to help us along the way, but we are in the mix in the East, at least. After the Colorado game, if you would have told me this was even a scenario, I would have called you crazier than giving inmates power tools, but here we are.

Most of this is due to the stellar play of my new Man-Crush Aaron Murray.  I can’t believe that a Freshman is this polished, this poised, and that athletic.  Furthermore, a mere 6 months ago, I was clamoring for Mettenberger, I’m glad we’ve got Murray.  He is ranked 19th in the nation in passer rating, 3rd in the SEC in passing, and likes country music.  Might I add he is the only Freshman in those regards.

A few thoughts from Saturday:
Defense looked good.  Yes, I know Vandy dropped some passes but minus the one in the flats that would/might have gone for a long gain, they were pretty insignificant.  The play was consistent, but there were different starters.  Number one, Christian Robinson might winding up to be one of the better linebackers we have seen in forever.  The kid is instinctive, smart, quick, huge, and hell, gives a good well pronunciated interview.  Also I think Cummings and Boykin will see the starting corner roles for the rest of the year.  Watching Cummings climb the ladder for th INT was B-A-UTIFUL!

Offense looked like they finally had their shit together.  Bobo seemed to know when and when not to use Thomas, Ealey ran well, but far and away the OL finally delivered a dominating game.  Good for them, golly it only took firing a senior and starting a freshman to do it, but at least it is an open competition.  Give props to Searels. Murray was on point and honestly, watching how much respect defenses pay towards AJ this year is almost baffling…almost.

Right now I hope that the team is focused on Kentucky and Kentucky only.  We control our own destiny for the most part and can;t even get close to that unless we win on Saturday, which is no easy task.

A few keys to the game.
No 1) Run the F-ing Football!  Richt is like 67-9 when our one running back clears 100 yards.

No 2) We must block.  Kentucky gives up more red-zone TD’s than anyone in the SEC, but you still have to give Murray time and Ealey/Thomas holes.

No 3) Make returns count.  We have been excellent on kickoffs and punts, but our returns are more like pedestrians crossing the road.  A few flops in field position will not only lead to more points, but kentucky looks like this when opponents get on their side of the field:

So we should have a rape fest.

No 4) Keep our TOP up.

No 5) Knock Randall Cobb’s lights out.  I want him wishing he never put on the UK jersey Saturday night, which leads me to my fianl point…

No 6) Alec Ogletree, welcome to the show.  Now, make No 5 come true.

And for all of you pro-visually stimulated learners, this video represents exactly what we need to do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYKH5S93hT0

Go in there, don’t take any shiot at first, or ever.  Take random things from them.  Always relentlessly push forward.  Look scary as hell. Pull out moves they’ve never seen. And be big and bad enough to execute them, even if they have seen them.

Now gentlemen, go Techno Viking their ass!

GATA

-Inspector G

Southerner Visits L.A.; Saves 2 Horses, Rides 2 Cowboys…

Los Angeles:

We here at HTT got word of this heartwarming story featuring a strapping and consenting young man who not only loves the dawgs, but loves the dudes.  The name of this individual cannot be revealed due to copyright laws, but he is from Georgia and will refer to him here as ” Burrow Bracket”.

Burrow always knew he was different.  “Yeah, I always knew I was different.”, Burrow said in a recent interview with us here at HTT.  “I was always taking the roads less traveled. From one-on-one leg wrestling matches with my best friend Davis, to braiding hair with all of the girls at recess.  I always knew I was living the alternative lifestyle.”, he said.

However, living this lifestyle in the state of Georgia was tough for him.  After several felching sessions gone awry and a few break-up’s gone bad, Burrows decided to move to L.A.  “I got into the City, got on my knees, and thanked my luckiest of stars.” 

Burrow now lives in a 203 sq ft loft in West Hollywood 3 blocks from Petey’s Paulinto Palace (a world renowned hang out for bears and power bottoms alike). He currently is employed as an extra with hopes in becoming an A-List actress. “I have the chops, the passion, and the fierceness to make this a career.  I can go high, low, horizontal, behind, in front, side to side, and bare back.  Wait, are we still talking about acting or something else?  Haha!” He wanted us to add a winking smiley face, but our editors advised that would not be possible despite our best efforts.

Burrow has been seen in such ground breaking shorts such as “The Girls Never Came.”, “Backdoor Man”, and “Summer Solstice: The Anderson Cooper Story.” 

From persecution and mishaps in Georgia to a blossoming career in West Hollywood, Burrows is a point in case of following the American Dream. 

When asked to give a shout out to his beloved bulldawgs he stated, “Go Doggies!”

Go doggies, indeed.

-Inspector G

The Gambler, week 7

Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase Kenny Rogers brings you his week 7 college football notables sprinkled with the confetti of millions of dollars of Monopoly cash. Kenny went 3-3 with last week’s picks (which is better than normal) so he anticipates an upswing in luck for this weekend’s games.

OLE MISS +20.5 @ (8) ALABAMA
Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed. Nick Saban is pissed.

After the game, expect Jeremiah Masoli to take Greg McElroy’s sister out on a date.

Giggity.

(1) THE OHIO STATE -4 @ (18) WISCONSIN
I’m not buying this bullshit trap game talk. Wisconsin habitually shits the bed against top 10 teams and hasn’t come within 2 TD’s of one dating back to 2003. Despite being +3 in turnovers, the Badgers managed to fuck up and lose the game by 10 against Michigan State last weekend. This game should seal a Capital One or Outback bowl bid for an eventual 3-loss Wisconsin team.

GEORGIA -15 VS. VANDY
Maybe I’m just blinded by the literal butt-fucking that Georgia administered to Tennessee last weekend, but when things are clicking for the Dawgs they look like world beaters. Vandy gets some defensive help with a few injured players returning, but it won’t be enough to prevent the onslaught.

Dooley after his first 6 games as UT's head coach.

(15) IOWA -3 @ MICHIGAN
Same ol’ Michigan. Same corn-fed Iowa. We expect Iowa to keep Denard Robinson in check much like they did against GT in last year’s Orange Bowl.

(7) AUBURN -3.5 VS. (12) ARKANSAS
Auburn leads the SEC in rushing offense (276 ypg). Arkansas leads the SEC in passing offense (354 ypg). Auburn has bad pass defense. Arkansas has bad run defense. Yep, impending clusterfuck.

CAL +2.5 @ USC
I don’t really have a reason for this pick, I just hate Lane Kiffykins and my life would be fulfilled if I ever witnessed Ed “Big O” Orgeron having a mental breakdown on the sideline, complete with human sacrificing.

(24) OREGON STATE +1 @ WASHINGTON
Look, ESPN can hype the shit out of Jake Locker all they want, but no one is buying into Washington as a team. He really isn’t even that impressive. Washington still sucks and they still lose to the Beavers. It’s going to take a lot to erase the memory of 0-12.

(22) FLORIDA -7.5 VS. MISS STATE
If any head coach around the country knows the Gators as well as Urban Meyer does, it’s Dan Mullen. Unfortunately for Mullen, Steve Addazio has completely FUBAR’d any resemblance of the competent offense that Mullen left behind so it will be tricky for MSU to figure out what’s up Addazio’s sleeves (Hint: NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS).

(10) SAKERLINA -5 @ KENTUCKY
I’m still picking the Gamecocks even though Coach Spurrier quietly retired after beating Alabama last weekend.

THIS IS JUST LAUGHABLE…

PITT +1 @ SYRACUSE
You read that correctly: Syracuse is favored to beat someone. This is a combination of Syracuse being “better” and Pitt being shitty.  Pitt owns exactly zero wins over BCS teams and the Orange’s victories have come at the expense of perennial powerhouses Akron, Maine, Colgate and USF. Trying to pick a winner in this game is like trying to divide by zero.